Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Sharing

Remus had never been very good at relationships, not that he could remember. Neither his family nor his friends could say that they knew him particularly well. It wasn't that he didn't like them – he loved them – but he had never liked to share his thoughts and feelings and that was what love was all about, or so he assumed.

Sharing something as intimate as his thoughts seemed vulgar to Remus and just not right. He was quite sure that nobody would actually like what was going on inside his head. Anger, fear, despair…sometimes he didn't want to know either, wanted to run as far away as he could from everything that was Remus Lupin. He didn't need to talk to anyone to know that he didn't work properly, was damaged goods. No, he liked to keep to himself and that was that.

Unfortunately, most people who knew him showed an avid interest in these things, these feelings, despite his lycanthropy. Remus suspected that it was something typically human he had lost the day Greyback took revenge on his father but he couldn't be sure. After all, who could he ask?

Lisa tried to understand. She was his first girlfriend; a Hufflepuff and in his year. He liked her auburn tresses, though Sirius teased him that it made her look like Lily Spoilsport Evans. It didn't. She had freckled skin and eyes that were almost black. Her hair smelled like lavender and youth, although he didn't recognise the latter until years later. She never pried but, naturally, she volunteered information that required secrets and explanations in return. Remus offered bits and pieces, reluctant and uncomfortable, always careful not to say too much, and she gradually lost her smile whenever he was near. After a few months she accepted that he was a rock she could not crack or wear down with pleasantries and timid vows of love. He missed her kisses and the smell of her hair.

None of his friends were prone to prying after they found out his most important secret in second year. Sirius was too caught up in his never-ending rebellion against the world in general and his parents in particular, James was busy with pranks and Quidditch and Peter was wholly engaged in his efforts to please James. They never noticed when he started seeing Meredith.

Remus was convinced of being in love with her at the time. Her sparkling grey eyes, her giggly, pearl-like laughter and the dimples on her cheeks were endearing. She wasn't a beauty but he couldn't take his eyes off her. He found that she had a wicked mouth, which made fifth year both enlightening and diversified. Now Remus understood better what was expected of him and he told her stories, some of them true, some of them lies. She felt empowered by these little secrets and the smile lasted longer than it had on Lisa's face. She broke up with him when Sirius, unaware of their relationship, kissed her behind Greenhouse four. When she confessed, Sirius threw a tantrum and never talked to her again. Remus was relieved and didn't look back.

He started worrying as he caught himself staring at Sirius. Grown tall very quickly, Sirius was gangly but handsome, always handsome. His eyes were darker than Meredith's and full of mischief and a curious, natural arrogance. Remus liked watching the pale skin on his neck when he sat before him in Transfiguration and he couldn't help admiring how his hard boyish body moved on the Quidditch field. He found that he wouldn't mind sharing a few secrets with Sirius, though he didn't have talking in mind. The thought surprised and scared him but when Sirius kissed Remus in the shower, sloppy and greedy, steam all around them, he let his hands roam and his mind go blank, allowing himself to enjoy intimacy rather than dreading it.

Yet, he couldn't speak his mind with Sirius either, this time because too much was at stake. He didn't need an excuse because sixth year brought a lot of pain and his friends watched silently as he retreated into himself once more. They resumed their relationship six months later, more careful and wary of the other's response. Sirius seemed content with being mates during the day and lovers at night, though a small part of Remus suspected that he didn't dare demand more.

After two years, it dawned on Remus that they were very much exclusive and that Sirius told him things not even James knew. The realisation was sudden and sharp and it made him panic. The very next day he went into a club and pulled a bloke, making sure that Sirius smelled him that night. It hurt to see empty spaces where Sirius' belongings had been, though he had always complained about his untidiness. In the end, he had never been good at sharing, so it was for the best. Remus' infidelity seemed insignificant in the light of the war and other, more horrible betrayals. They didn't talk about it until the end and, when Remus finally broke down at Christmas 1981, he didn't cry any tears for Sirius. He mostly succeeded to convince himself, though on more than one night, he woke from a dream about a black-haired man with a dashing smile.

Marcus was a Muggle he met two years later, tall and blond with big, strong hands. Remus loved those hands because they weren't long-fingered and elegant and had never held a wand. They shared a bed for a couple of months but Remus made sure that they shared nothing else. Marcus left one night after a big row or rather, after he accused Remus loudly of being a cold-hearted bastard while Remus was staring blindly into the room. When Marcus knocked two days later, Remus didn't open the door.

Another Meredith turned up some time later. She was blind and always wore dark glasses. Her voice was the most beautiful thing about her, rich and melodious, and Remus loved to make her scream his name at night. She fell for him, hard, and it was the first time Remus had to leave. He stayed away from women he may have found interesting for years afterwards.

John was the bloke he was seeing when Sirius broke out. When he read the news in the Daily Prophet that morning, Remus packed his trunk and left his small flat helter-skelter. He stopped running two days later at a train station in Surry, lost and guilt-ridden. But it was near Birmingham that Dumbledore found him.

It wasn't difficult to keep Harry at bay since he had been taught not to ask too many questions. It felt strange to see Lily's eyes looking out of the boy's face, all-knowing and kind. He remembered warm summer afternoons filled with Lily's laughter and her delicious apple cake, remembered her unobtrusive kindness, and he hurt inside like he hadn't hurt in over seven years. And then he was face to face with Sirius and he remembered all too much.

Sirius was different; grim and strangely focussed on the people around him, as if craving the contact badly. But he was not as fond of physical touch as he used to be and he didn't like to talk about the last twelve years.

Strangely enough, Remus felt closer to him than ever before because now they were equally damaged, equally broken. Very quickly, however, he found that he didn't like seeing the haunted look in Sirius' eyes, didn't like listening to his screams at night, and he was determined to make up for his behaviour many years before. The thought that he felt remorse was disconcerting. Sirius saved him because he didn't care for apologies. When Remus once mentioned that their younger selves wouldn't recognise them in the streets, Sirius let out a bitter laugh and told Remus that he hadn't changed all that much. He tried to shrug it off but it occupied his thoughts for days, leaving him confused as to whether Sirius was right or wrong. Surprisingly, it did matter.

They fell easily back into something that resembled their old pattern, ignoring anything too personal, too hurtful. This time, however, Remus suffered and the discovery that he needed more than friendly companionship, wanted more, seemed too alien to acknowledge even to himself. He had never learned how to say things that mattered and after a while he accepted his failure with all too familiar resignation. It was too late to change.

It tore him apart when Sirius fell and too late was suddenly filled with a terrible all-consuming meaning. It was too late to do and say all the things he had never been able to do and say. Sirius had left him again, the only one to do so twice, but there was no salvation, no comfort. Remus felt more alone than ever before.

Nymphadora was everything he wasn't and had probably never been. She was pretty and vivacious; she was whole. He liked her wit and how stubborn she was about catching his attention. The spark in her eyes was nothing like his and he enjoyed the way she made him feel. One day, she would leave too, disillusioned and wiser. Until then he would let her believe that he had something to offer. In his dreams, the dark-haired man laughed and waved, self-assured that nothing could come between them.

Fin

Feedback makes Remus happy, so please take a minute and review!