A/N: A humorous look into the miserable life of Dracula's new minion. And yes, the poor grammer is on purpose.
Halloween Night- 1887
Dear Journal,
Today, Igor checked his eHarmony account. I was shocked to see that I still have no matches. This makes Igor sad. Is there no one out there for poor Igor. Igor knows he is short…and pale…and covered with warts…(smiling) I do have five of my original teeth…and then, there's the hump on my back…I do not believe in bathing…and I live in my master's basement and have an annual income of $0.00, but, surely, there is somebody out there who does not mind all that. After all, did not a wise man once say that "it is not what is outside, but what is inside that matters?"
(Igor flushes the toilet and continues writing.)
But Dr. Frankenstein has always been kind to me. I remember the day we met. He did not even call the police when Igor tried to steal his carriage. Instead, he brought me to live with him in his castle, and gave me food. He is such a good man. I almost feel bad that I am going to be stabbing him in the back tonight. After he finishes his great experiment, I am telling him that I going to work for the great Count Dracula. Dr. Frankenstein has always given me kindness, even when Igor did not deserve it, but what is kindness? I cannot spend kindness. Count Dracula says he would pay me real money to betray my master and join him. Igor is no dummy, Igor took the money.
(Later that night)
Igor has done it. Igor has told master that he is leaving master for money. I was surprised that the doctor did not yell at me. But he may have been busy trying to stop Count Dracula from drinking his blood. I wonder if he will still let me have is gramophone. After Dracula finished with Dr. Frankenstein, the doctor's creature attacked him. I ran up to the monster and told him to leave the master alone. He threw me against a wall. Next time Igor has to face the creature, he will get someone else to do it.
As Igor runs from the castle, he sees Dr. Frankenstein's monster running ahead, carrying the master's lifeless body. I called to him, but even Igor knew the doctor could not hear him. After all, he's dead! Just then, I heard thunder. I looked up, but I saw no storm clouds. They had all passed. I felt the ground shake. An earthquake? No, even Igor knows there are no earthquakes in Romania. I turned around. GREAT GOOSEBERRIES! There are hundreds of Transylvanian, torch-throwing, peasants coming my way. I tried to run, but Igor is not so fast. Poor Igor get trampled by every single peasant…and one fat horse.
Tonight, I will look ahead to the future, and my new life working for the great Count Dracula. But tonight, I will take some aspirin and try healing the injuries received from my encounter with the peasants.