Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to JK Rowling!
Saying Goodbye
I paced around in my dorm, parchment and quill in hand. I had long ago learned to stop biting my quill since I always ended up with a mouthful of distasteful feathers. The summer heat seemed more stifling than usual tonight, and it certainly did not help the predicament I was in. My dark red hair, which had previously been quite neat and orderly, was now a massive beehive atop my head. I was probably quite a spectacle, but all my dorm mates had gone to the graduation party, so thankfully, no one was here to comment on my atrocious appearance.
I surveyed the parchment again and tapped the quill against my head. I had drawn a line that cut the parchment in half. The left side was dedicated to the reasons why I should say yes to James' question and go out with him; the right side insisted why I shouldn't. Currently, there were only two positive comments to battle out the eight negative ones that I had written.
Adamant that I ought to give James a bit more credit, I crossed out 'easy to talk to' and placed it in the left column. But no, that wasn't right. It was because he was easy to talk to that he was so popular, and as a result, so arrogant. 'Easy to talk to' certainly couldn't have been a good thing.
Throughout my seven years at Hogwarts, I had never felt so helpless and confused as I felt at the moment. I'd rather face N.E.W.T Transfiguration again than attempt to sort out the cobwebbed jumble that was my mind. I banged my tortured head against a pillow and let out a strangled scream of frustration. The cotton muffled the sound well and I angled my head so that I could glimpse the clock on my nightstand.
12:01 AM.
Oh great. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. If there were someone to blame, it would have to be Sirius and his stupid bet. It had been Sunday, which meant that we had no classes. All the Gryffindors were lounging in the common room, doing whatever tickled their fancies at the moment. Unfortunately, Sirius just had to get bored, and he just had to find something that would entertain him for a lengthy period of time. But the most unfortunate of all was that I just happened to be there when all these unfortunate things occurred.
Sirius let out a massive yawn that practically shook the entire common room and tipped his head back against the couch so that he was staring at the ceiling. He looked bored to tears. Remus sat quietly in the loveseat, his eyes straying from his book occasionally to observe Sirius' hopelessness. James and Peter were engaged in a mindless game of Exploding Snap.
One thing was perfectly clear. The Marauders, troublemakers extraordinaire, were bored.
"Prongs," Sirius drawled, breaking the quiet atmosphere. Quite a few heads turned in his direction, mine included.
James looked up from his cards. "What?"
"I'm bored," he whined.
"I think we've established that already."
Sirius glared. "And you're bored too," he accused.
I rolled my eyes impatiently and attempted to return to the Arithmancy problems that Professor Vector had assigned. Like she had warned us, they were extremely challenging, and I found myself frowning slightly as I went through them. Usually, I would've discussed the theorems and problems with Remus, but seeing as he was currently caught up in Marauder Melodrama, I decided to push my questioning to a later date.
Peter chose this moment to slam down a card, which he probably assumed to be the winning one by the triumphant grin on his face. Not two seconds later, the entire deck suddenly combusted, showering the players in a fine layer of ash and burnt cards. James coughed loudly and jumped away from Peter, who had received the brunt of the explosion.
Remus lifted an eyebrow, and with an exasperated sigh, set down his book and went to help Peter in his hopeless state. James threw himself on the couch next to the bored Sirius, though by now, he looked equally as bored, if not more.
"You're right," he finally said, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his shirt. "I am bored."
"Let's do something then."
James snorted and placed his feet on the table in front of him. I was tempted to tell him to take his dirty shoes off the table that others used to work on, but decided against it at the last minute. I was too tired to engage in another verbal battle with the two self-proclaimed Masters of Wit and Wisecracks.
Minutes of silence dragged on by, only to be broken once or twice when Peter or Remus let out loud exclaims or hushed sighs. I surveyed the situation and was just about to return to my homework when Sirius abruptly jumped up onto the table, sending items scattering in all directions.
He jabbed his right index finger at James. "Let's have a bet!"
There were excessive groans and mutters of distaste that rippled through the Gryffindors. Sirius ignored them all; his attention was focused solely on James. Their bets were legendary as were their pranks, and it wasn't exaggerated when I said that no one wanted to be anywhere close to them when they performed either. The last time a girl had foolishly agreed to participate in their ultimate end-of-year scheme, she had landed in the Hospital Wing for three weeks straight, and had only been let out when the end of the year feast came around. No one knew what really happened to her and both she and the Marauders had kept mum. Rumors were excessive, however, and none were very praise-worthy.
I waited with baited breath like everyone else in the room for James' reply. While the chances were slim, I still had hope. James had, in fact, denied one of Sirius' bets once when he realized that it was potentially harmful towards Hogwarts and the students. It had been good to know that he still possessed some morals, despite the fact that there was only a strip left in him.
But when James' lips turned up and his hazel eyes brightened, I knew all hope was lost, and I could practically see the rest of the students' shoulders sag. Here we go again.
"I accept," he responded grandly. "What's the bet?"
Sirius smirked. "Patience is a virtue, mate."
By this time, Remus had managed to fix Peter up, and the two emerged from behind the armchair. From the looks on their faces, it was apparent that they had heard the conversation between James and Sirius.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Remus said skeptically, returning to his original seat. "You received a month's detention for the last one you pulled."
Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "We won't be destroying any school property, Moony. Don't worry. Besides, even if we do, we'll be sure to leave your name out of it."
Remus snorted disbelievingly. "I doubt that's possible, but you're welcome to try."
I had partially counted on Remus to completely shoot the bet down on the account that he was a prefect. Still, it didn't help much that the Head Boy himself was accepting the bet in the first place.
"All right," Sirius bellowed. He gestured towards all the students in the common room to huddle closer to where he stood. They obliged, some because they were curious, others because there was simply nothing else to do. "Gather around, gather around. So…" He paused, waiting for the anticipation to build. "Who wants to hear about the bet?"
A general chorus of 'me' drifted around the room. Sirius smiled appreciatively and turned his attention to James, who by now, had already partially fallen asleep. He blinked open his eyes when Sirius yelled at him and regarded his best mate with a bland look.
"Are you done holding court yet?"
Sirius scowled but brushed the question aside. "So Prongs, since you're Head Boy this year, I doubt Dumbledore or McGonagall would be very pleased if we went around ruining school property." He nodded, as if to congratulate himself on the brilliant conclusion. "As a result, I've decided to make this bet perfectly harmless."
Peter blinked. "So what's the bet?"
"I'm getting there," Sirius said irritably. His face brightened immediately. "You'll be given the entire year, starting now and lasting all the way till the day of our graduation, to get a girl to fall in love with you."
The common room was quiet. I struggled to hide back a snigger. That was a horrible topic. How did Sirius even think of such ridiculous bets anyway?
Apparently, I was the only one who thought so. James considered it for a moment, before a wide smirk broke out on his face and he nodded. "Sounds good." He glanced around the room at all the females. "So I can pick any girl I want?"
Sirius clucked his tongue. "Of course not. That would be way too easy. Moony, Wormtail and I will choose for you."
James only shrugged, not the least bit perturbed. "All right. I'll hand it to you, mate. Take your pick." He made a sweeping gesture around the room.
Sirius, Remus and Peter exchanged shrewd glances and looked around the room. I went back to my work when I realized that nothing else of importance was going to happen. They would pick a girl, James would seduce her, pretend he loved her, sleep with her, and in the end, dump her. It was a typical route, one that the Marauders took so often that I didn't quite understand what was so special about this one.
"I suggest we pick one from Slytherin," Peter said loudly, no doubt attempting to pass for a whisper.
Remus thought for a moment. "That would be tricky, but I think Prongs can pull it off. He's a pureblood after all. They aren't completely averse to him."
"Absolutely right, Moony boy," Sirius said, snapping his fingers to emphasize his words. "We need someone who hates Prongs' arse and would rather date someone like… oh, the Giant Squid, instead of him."
Peter frowned and scratched his head. "Is there someone like that in Hogwarts?"
"Snape," Remus said, and they all glared in disgust.
"I meant a girl," Peter said again, slightly put out.
"We know, mate," Sirius replied.
I looked up when I felt a tap on my shoulder and saw Arabella Figg tilting her head curiously towards the three Marauders. She had just entered the common room and was attempting to figure out why everyone was huddled together, deep in thought.
I shrugged in response.
James had placed his head back against the couch again, and if it weren't for the occasional movements, I would've assumed that he had fallen asleep already. I let out a particularly loud snort at his inattentiveness and immediately regretted it when I realized that I had attracted quite a bit of attention from the students. The room had been too silent for that little sound to go unnoticed.
Sirius stopped his chatter with Remus and Peter and turned his attention to me. I saw his eyes calculating me, as if I were some Arithmancy equation waiting to be solved. Something in his dark eyes shifted, and the next second later, he let out a loud whoop and clapped James rather forcefully on the shoulder, jerking the boy out of la-la land.
"What?" he muttered, partially disoriented. "What happened?"
"We found your girl, Prongs. I swear you'll like her."
James lifted an eyebrow and sat up. I narrowed my eyes at the gleam in his eyes and looked disdainfully away. How could someone be so exuberant about breaking someone else's heart? Sadly, even I wasn't stupid enough to not understand that most girls in Hogwarts lacked backbones, and as a result, hardly any could stand being in the presence of the Marauders without their legs turning into jelly. And now when it came to James Potter, things were even more extreme.
"Well?" James prompted again.
Sirius' grin slowly turned into a smirk. "Lily Evans."
The common room burst into loud screeches. Students hurriedly passed information to each other and even a few ran out of the room to tell their friends in the other houses. James Potter was going to attempt to seduce Lily Evans! It was news… it was big news.
I had expected James to jump out and refuse; I had expected Remus to comment that they shouldn't have been doing this; I had expected Peter to blink confusedly and ask why it was Lily Evans and not any other girl. I hadn't expected that I would jump up in a fit of rage, storm over, and deck Sirius Black right in the jaw.
I shook my head again in an attempt to rid myself of that horrible memory and instead, focused on the task at hand. Now, it was officially our graduation day, and I was still as confused as ever. To be truthful, I had expected the days I spent with James to be hell, considering this was the loathsome toe-rag Potter I was talking about. Strangely though, it hadn't turned out so bad. We did have our off days, however, but it was safe to say that James and I had formed something similar to – dare I say it – a friendship.
The end came sooner than expected, and as required by the terms of the bet, I had to announce my decision the first thing I saw him tomorrow morning. It was agreed between James and Sirius that the loser would have to take a naked dive into the Black Lake amidst the professors, students and parents on graduation day.
In the beginning, I had thought that sorting out my feelings would be easy. Truth be told, I had never thought that I would consider James as something more than an aggravating partner. Still, miracles never ceased to exist, and as we got closer, I began to realize –gradually, of course – that my feelings towards James were not purely platonic. There was something hidden under the teasing banter and laughter… something that I wasn't too eager to explore. But I knew what that strange emotion was. How could I not?
I liked James Potter.
Yes, I said the big bad word. I liked James Potter, but liking him was one thing and loving was another. I enjoyed spending time with him, but to devote all my attention and give all my love to the one guy who I used to hate with a passion?
It was hardly possible.
I distinctly remembered the conversation that we had three days prior to today, the one that would be forever known as the day I realized that James Potter was no longer the troublemaker who knew of nothing but snog, shag and prank.
I headed down the corridor, the textbooks in my hand sending searing jolts of pain up my arms every few minutes or so. I had never been what was considered strong, and I was certainly lacking in muscles. I turned the corner, still concentrating on the alarming weight in my hands, when I suddenly crashed head-on into someone. I let out a shriek of alarm when my arms weakened and my books toppled to the ground. Imagine my surprise when a mob of dark hair popped into my view and rescued my precious books before they made contact with the dirty floor.
James straightened up, books in hand, and smiled at my bewildered expression. "Lookin' good, Lily."
I feverishly attempted to straighten by thoughts and forced my mouth to say something coherent. "Thanks for that," I finally muttered.
His smile widened. "After all that I've just done for you, that's all you have to say to me?" He clucked his tongue. "I'm ashamed of you, Lily. I thought you had more manners than that."
I immediately stiffened at his words and scowled. "What would you have me do then? Get on all fours and praise your holy presence?" I couldn't help it. James always managed to rile me up with the simplest of words.
"Kidding, kidding," he amended, grin still present. "I think I'm liking the new you, sarcasm and all."
"Well there's still a lot about me you don't know," I retorted and gestured for my books. He handed them to me without a word and I juggled them so that both arms would receive equal pressure from the heavy texts. "I should get going," I told him. "I promised Bella that I would help her look over her last Charms essay."
James nodded slowly, mutely. It seemed as if his mind was elsewhere, but a moment later, he smiled and leaned down so that he was level with me. "Lily…" His voice was soft, cajoling. I blinked. "No pressure, all right? Say what you believe. Don't let anyone else influence your decision."
It took me a moment to register what he was referring to, and when it finally clicked, I flushed slightly. Even though we both knew of the bet, it was still a difficult subject to talk about, especially when we broached the topic of my feelings.
"Yeah. Okay," I said quietly.
James straightened and ruffled my hair affectionately. "Catch you later. I promised the guys that we'd plan our last prank for the feast on graduation day."
I perked up immediately. "Don't you dare ruin the feast! It's our last one."
"We know, we know." He rolled his eyes. "It'll be memorable, trust me. I think Sirius may actually be getting sentimental for this one." He winked and headed down the corridor, leaving me with my books and my thoughts.
I blew out another sigh when I realized that sleep would never come to me if I continued obsessing. Perhaps the common room would provide a better place for my musings? I stepped into my slippers and tossed my cloak over my pajamas. I was pretty sure the Marauders hadn't returned yet, which meant I had the common room for at least another hour or two. They'd probably be out till four in the morning, putting the final touches to their last prank in Hogwarts. I slowly walked down the circular stairs, trudging each step as I went. I had finally reached the second landing when the portrait hole suddenly opened.
I froze in place.
Were my eyes deceiving me? Was this all a trick? How in the world…
The Marauders made their way in, one by one, all laughing at an undoubtedly humorous comment that someone had made. I felt my jaw crash to the floor. How could they be back so soon? I had expected them to return at four, not twelve! That was a three-hour difference, for Merlin's sake!
I needed to get out of there. I wasn't ready to face any of them yet, much less him.
Sadly, my legs seemed to have a mind of their own, and had somehow managed to detach themselves from the rest of my body. I remained immobile, my eyes focused on the four boys who had slumped down onto the various couches and armchairs that adorned the room.
Perhaps Lady Luck would be on my side tonight and I could leave without them noticing me? But of course, why would Lady Luck pick me when there were perfectly dashing guys right there? Even she knew a handsome fellow when she saw one. And so, by fate – or was it karma? – Remus tilted his head at the perfect angle and caught sight of me. His smile widened and he gestured for me to come down and join them. I was about to politely decline when Sirius jumped out of his seat and waved jubilantly at me.
"Oi, Lily!"
I smiled in what I hoped to be a good imitation of a cheerful one. "Hey. What are you guys doing back so soon?" At least my voice hadn't cracked in the middle of that.
James laughed… and my stomach fluttered. I had to restrain myself from punching it. It wasn't supposed to flutter! I was supposed to be resolute in my decision… not that I had one in the first place. Oh Merlin. Why did I have to realize that James wasn't as bad as I thought? Why did I have to admit that he was an attractive person?
He shot me a roguish grin. "We decided to save up all our energy for the graduation ceremony tomorrow."
Was my heart rate soaring? Yes, it was. I was going to die any second from high blood pressure. James grinning should've been outlawed, especially at such an important time.
Despite this, I still managed to sound stern. "I thought I warned you guys not to ruin it for the rest of us?" I raised my hands exasperatedly. "How many times do I have to say that graduation is an important time and should be treated seriously?"
Sirius waved me off as if I were only a pesky little fly. "We got it, Professor Evans."
I huffed indignantly at the mockery but let it go. It was too late to get into an argument on such a petty topic when we were all going to graduate tomorrow… no, today. The room lapsed into silence. It seemed that none of us really knew what to say, and once again, I contemplated just racing up the steps. I was only on the second landing. I would've been able to rush back to my dorm and lock the door before any of them could catch up to me.
As if sensing the strangely calm atmosphere, Peter let off a huge yawn. "I think I'm going to bed now. Night mates, night Lily." He trudged up the flight of stairs and gave me a brief smile before he disappeared into his dorm.
James glanced up at me, his smile ever present. "Where were you going? It's half past twelve."
I blinked. Oh Merlin, caught in the act. I cast around for a suitable excuse, and after finding none, I simply smiled and waved my hands in the air, feeling very ridiculous as I did. "I guess I just wanted to see the common room empty for the last time." What kind of excuse was that?
Sirius seemed to agree with me because he made a face and shook his head. "You make no sense whatsoever, Lily." He leaned back into the couch and draped an arm on the back of it. James and Remus remained silent. I shifted slightly on the landing and wondered if I ought to just join them, since it was apparent that they had no intention of going off to bed anytime soon. I had just made my decision when Sirius casually glanced over at the clock in the common room… and promptly froze.
Oh dear. I was sincerely afraid now. Was he detecting what I thought he was?
"Ahh…" he said, dragging the syllable out slowly. He turned back to look at the rest of us. "It's thirty minutes into graduation day."
From the crooked grin on James' face and the amused glint in Remus' eyes, it was clear that they had caught onto his meaning. Now I was really preparing to make a run for it.
Sirius turned his dark eyes to me. "You know what this means, Lily?" he asked playfully.
I smiled as innocently as possible. "No… what does that mean?"
Remus laughed and swatted Sirius on the head. "Come on, Padfoot. Leave her be. She still gets tonight."
Sirius groaned and puffed out his lower lip in a slight pout. "That's no fair," he whined. "It's been a year already. I can't wait that long!"
James snorted. "Weren't you the one who told me that patience is a virtue?"
Sirius shot his friend a reproachful look and stuck his tongue out. My eyes widened in amazement. Even after seven years at Hogwarts, I still couldn't get used to the fact that the Marauders could be so childish.
He eventually sighed and marched up the steps, muttering something about 'unfair punishment' and 'stupid rules' under his breath. He gave me a meaningful look as he passed and turned up towards the boys' dorms. Remus came up a minute later, his smile wide as he squeezed my shoulder and followed Sirius to the dorms. I had expected James to follow his friends' examples and go to bed as well, which was why I was faintly alarmed when I realized that he was still down in the common room, with no intention of leaving until I joined him down there.
Dramatic music anyone?
I let out a light squeak when I saw James standing at the base of the stairs, smiling up at me. "You know, Lily, it's kind of hard for me to talk to you like this. Care to join me in the lower realms of the common room, your highness?" He smoothly swept his robes aside in a deep bow and kneeled on his left knee with his right hand held out in a serious manner.
Despite the tense atmosphere, I had to laugh. He raised an eyebrow in amusement at my outburst and I slowly descended the steps. I slapped his hand rudely away once I reached him, and he stood up, shooting me a look of mock horror.
I made a face at him, he rolled his eyes, and we both burst out laughing. A few seconds later, my grin slowly faded. He seemed to sense the change in atmosphere as well because he smiled slightly and led the way to the couches.
I slumped into one and glanced fleetingly at him. Even now, I had no idea what I was going to say, and I was sitting right in front of him. Talk about being prepared.
James leaned forward. "So… it's been a year."
I nodded slowly. "Yeah… a year."
He tilted his head slightly. I looked at him. His dark hair fell casually into his hazel eyes, and he just looked… good. He straightened and rested against the back of the couch.
"Maybe I should wait till tomorrow to ask you, but right now, you don't have an audience. I thought you'd be more comfortable this way."
I was more comfortable, but I was hardly ready.
"Or do you want to wait? It's fine with me."
Of course it was fine with him. He never pushed anyone to talk unless they were ready, and even then, he was always a gentleman about it. How could I have overlooked this for six years?
James stared back at me, his eyes wide and rather innocent-looking. He had always been good at determining what people were thinking just by looking at their facial expressions. But I knew without a doubt that this time, he had no idea what the verdict would be. I contemplated my answer for the last time.
There was one question that always came back to my mind. What if this was only a bet to him? The mere words 'I love you' would mean nothing to him, save for a game of amusement and another trophy to add to his past winnings. Sadly though, it would mean everything to me. I couldn't do this to myself. I couldn't afford to be weak now.
"Lily?" His voice was soft, hesitant.
I slowly shook my head, and as I did this, I finally understood the choice I was making. My voice came out in a faint whisper. "No James, I don't." I sucked in a deep breath. "I don't love you."
I waited for his reaction. One second, two seconds, and then he blinked. He tilted his head towards the floor for a moment so I couldn't see his reaction, but when he glanced back at me, he was smiling. The smile was faint, but it was there.
"All right."
I stared at him. All right? Was that even a proper reaction? Out of all the outbursts I had expected, I certainly hadn't expected a one-word answer.
I leaned forward. "You're not mad?"
He seemed slightly surprised. "Mad? No, of course not. I knew this bet was impossible from the very beginning, ever since he mentioned your name. Any other girl would've been easy… but not you." He sighed, but that smile was still there. It seemed to be permanently etched into his face. "But it didn't hurt to try, right?"
"Right," I murmured.
He leaned over and brushed his lips against my cheek. "Bye, Lily."
I sucked in a breath as I watched him walk up the stairs. I was sure I had made the right decision… but why did I feel a pit of despair when he said that word. Why did it feel as if he would leave my life forever? Why did I suddenly feel so… empty?
The graduation ceremony was certainly a cause for uproar. The Marauders had pulled off their last prank well, but like James had assured me, it wasn't much of a prank at all. They had charmed memory bubbles to appear out of the tables whenever someone touched them, and the bubbles relived some of the best memories a person had at Hogwarts. To my great shock and amusement, the professors seemed to be enjoying it as much as the rest of us. From a brief glance around, I saw that most students were in high sprits, save for a few who were bawling their eyes out.
I sympathized with them. I was known for sprouting fountains during occasions like these, but I had managed to keep my emotions in check so far. Still, I carried a handkerchief in my pocket, just in case.
We should've already been dressed in our casual wear, but it seemed that no one wanted to change out of his or her Hogwarts robes. As a result, we were still clad in our skirts and trousers, waiting for the right moment to toss our hats into the air and yell: "We're free!"
As of now, I stood next to James behind the podium, waiting till he finished his Head Boy parting speech. I had already stuttered through mine, and it would've been lying to say that I wasn't amazed by James' oratory abilities. This was why so many students looked up to him, despite his troublemaking tendencies.
This was probably the first time since last night that I was within close proximity to James. We had been too preoccupied with our respective roles during the ceremony to really talk to one another. Things were still rather awkward between us, but we had learned to push it aside for the graduation ceremony. This was our last day at Hogwarts and we had to make it a lasting experience.
"After years of toil and hard work, you've finally earned your salvation. It's time to cheer, guys! We made it!"
I jumped and tossed my hat into the air along with the rest of the students and let out a loud whoop that was rather uncharacteristic of me. I whirled around, and in an ecstatic moment, threw my arms around James' neck. I felt him jerk, clearly surprised, before he wrapped his arms around my waist and completed the embrace. I held on for a few moments, cherishing the feeling until I felt him pull away. I released my hold and gave him a huge grin, temporarily forgetting our awkwardness around each other. He only had time to smile before our friends suddenly bombarded us.
Arabella and I grasped onto one another as if this were the last moment we'd ever be together, and followed the stream of graduates out the double doors of the Great Hall. I glimpsed the professors on the sides, waving and occasionally exchanging a few words with some of the students who passed. McGonagall had a handkerchief in her hand, alternating between blotting her eyes and blowing her nose.
I waved goodbye to casual acquaintances as Arabella and I searched for our respective parents. I saw my mum and dad standing off on the far side, chatting with Mr. and Mrs. Figg. All the students around us were talking boisterously, making summer plans and exchanging addresses. I saw a few with cameras in their hands, snapping last pictures of Hogwarts and the professors. I smiled. Now that we were leaving, even Mr. Filch didn't seem so bad.
The Blacks were gathered on one side with the Slytherins while Sirius hung out with James and his parents. I didn't miss the nasty glares he received from his relatives, but he didn't seem disturbed at all. Remus and Peter stood next to James, talking with the Potters about something that elicited loud guffaws from Sirius.
I attempted to catch James' eye as we walked by, but he didn't look at me, either because he hadn't realized I was there or because he was purposefully avoiding me.
"…remember her? The girl who you said was rather pretty," Mrs. Potter was saying. She smiled lovingly at James. "She's staying for a few weeks this summer."
I blinked and blinked again. Nice girl? Pretty girl?
I breezed on by, though I still saved an ear for their conversation.
Sirius indiscreetly nudged James. "Have you snogged her before? Is she sexy?"
James let out a snort and shoved his best mate. "Head out of the gutter, Padfoot. Marlene's a nice girl. Don't insult her."
My step faltered slightly. James was sticking up for her? He was a gentleman, sure, but it seemed as if he really believed what he was saying. Did this mean that…
"Better than Apple Of Your Eye Evans?" Sirius asked. There was a smirk tugging at his lips. I paused to hear James' answer. I knew I had no right to hear this, but curiosity was getting the better of me.
Mr. Potter spoke up. "Oh right, James. What's going on with this Evans girl? Are the two of you together yet?"
I was shocked. James' parents knew about me? Just how much did they know? I wasn't even aware that James had even mentioned me. I heard the other Marauders chuckle, but James remained passive. "Our nonexistent relationship is done and over with."
I felt a wrench in my gut as I heard the words. Why was I so affected? I felt a tug on my arm and saw Arabella running towards her parents. She just happened to be pulling me with her. I prepared my smile before I reached the adults and it came out picture-perfect.
"It's good to see you again, Bella," my dad was saying. He said something else, but I didn't hear it. My mind was concentrated fully on James' conversation.
Remus patted James on the arm sympathetically. "He's still suffering a little from heartbreak."
James scowled and swatted his arm away. His parents laughed at his childish behavior and they switched topics.
I laughed half-heartedly at a joke that Arabella's mum had just told, but inside, something very close to my heart was screaming out in protest about the newfound information. There was a girl going to James' house over the summer, and he had said that he was done with me.
And that's when I felt it: the pain. I choked back a sudden onslaught of tears and bit my lip forcefully to keep them from leaking out of my eyes. So this is what it felt like to be heartbroken, and being heartbroken could only mean one thing.
I was in love with my former arch nemesis, James Potter.
But still, what good would it do? The bet was over, the decision made. I didn't have the means to turn back time and redo our conversation again, as much as I desperately wanted to. I had no one to blame but myself. How could I have been so ignorant about my feelings? How could I have overlooked it?
By now, all the students were heading towards the Hogwarts Express and the parents were all transported back to Muggle England to pick us up once we arrived at the station. I numbly followed Arabella onto the train and into a compartment. I vaguely heard the sound of the compartment door sliding shut and only realized that Arabella was looking concernedly at me when she reached out and touched my hand.
"Lily, are you all right?"
I wanted to simply nod my head, but when I felt another surge of emotion, I couldn't hide it anymore. I blew out a shaky breath and covered my face with my hands. "I don't know, Bella," I said dejectedly. "I don't know what's going on anymore."
Her brows furrowed even further and her forehead was creased. "Do you want to share?"
I nodded. "But I don't know where to start."
She was silent for a moment. "The beginning would be a good place."
And so I started from the beginning, and even though she already knew about the bet, I told her everything again, from start to finish, finally ending with my realization that I was in love with James and that I had foolishly thrown away the only chance I had.
Arabella listened loyally, only interrupting when she didn't understand something I had said through my jumbled words. When my tale had ended, she looked thoughtful. When she observed me again, there was a faint smile on her face. "And do you want him? Do you really want him to be your boyfriend?"
How could she ask such a question now, especially after everything I had said? "Of course."
"It's not hard, you know," she said, her eyes twinkling. "You just have to grow some guts and talk to the guy."
"You make it sound so easy," I muttered. "He won't talk to me anymore. He told everyone that he was done with me."
Arabella shrugged. "It's what he said, Lily, not what he thinks. Boys tend to be stubborn like that. They don't say what's on their mind."
I sighed and slumped into my seat. "It's hopeless. I'll just try to forget him. Auror training is coming up and I heard the course is pretty rigorous."
"Nuh-uh." She shook her head resolutely. "You aren't getting out of this one that easily. Give me a moment." Before I could protest or ask where she was going, she had flown out of the compartment, the door sliding shut with a bang.
A few minutes later, she returned… with Sirius, Remus and Peter in tow. I stared, gobsmacked, at the scene before me. What had she done?
Arabella smirked at them and gave me a look. "It's your game now, Lily. Don't disappoint me." With one final wink, she pushed me out the compartment and locked the door behind me.
I thought up a dozen curses that I would throw at her if I ever got out of this alive and ducked away from the curious stares I received. From what I had heard when I had first gotten on the train, the Marauders had situated themselves in the very last compartment.
A walk that would've been considered long under normal circumstances was amazingly short in my situation. I found myself standing in front of James' compartment, my breathing labored and my heart thudding painfully against my chest. This was it, the final, final verdict.
I sucked in one last breath and shoved open the door. James' eyes snapped up to me and he blinked.
I licked my lips. "Could I talk to you for a moment?"
He stared at me for another second before his hazel eyes narrowed slightly. "Is this why Arabella came and dragged them all away?"
I nodded sheepishly. "Yeah, it was her idea." I cleared my throat. "So can I come in?"
He shrugged. "Why not?"
I smiled briefly before stepping into the compartment. I sat opposite of him, and for the life of me, could not figure out how I was supposed to start this conversation. I could feel my hands clamming up again and berated myself. Why was I always so flustered around him?
I opened my mouth. "I guess I just wanted to… you know… talk to you about um… the…"
He raised an eyebrow. "The bet?" When my eyes widened, he continued: "You want to know why I didn't jump into the lake."
I blinked and slowly shook my head. "It has to do with the bet… but not that. I heard your parents forbade you to do it, so Sirius had to call it off."
He nodded. "Yeah."
I glanced down at my clenched hands. "Uh, well, I guess I just wanted to say… well technically… technically Sirius… he lost."
James stared at me blankly as if not comprehending what I was saying. I bit my lip and attempted to revise my statement. "I mean I… I lied."
His eyes widened slightly. "What?" he breathed.
I mentally cursed again. "I… I um… I love you."
The compartment was deathly still. It was like déjà vu from the night before. James seemed to have a terribly difficult time accepting the words that I had just said.
I fidgeted uncomfortably, feeling my cheeks turn redder by the minute. "I do love you, James. I deluded myself earlier. I didn't want to believe it, because I was afraid that I would get hurt. I just…"
He held up a hand and I closed my mouth. He seemed to be struggling with something, and when he finally looked at me, he didn't look all that happy. My heart plummeted.
"Thank you, Lily, for telling me that. It's nice to know you… that I won the bet." He offered me a faint smile, but his heart clearly wasn't into it. "And I don't deny that I did like you before, Lily, really I did. But now… I don't really know what I feel anymore."
I swallowed.
"It's not that I don't like you, but after you said no… I guess I just… I had to rearrange my feelings. I didn't expect you to tell me you loved me, but from the time we spent together, I thought… I thought you'd at least like me." His eyes held mine. "I need time, Lily. You just rejected me yesterday, but today you're here professing your love for me. I don't know what to think anymore."
I stared at him for a long time, my brain slowly taking everything in. Well, it served me right. I had so callously ignored my own feelings, and as a result, James didn't want me anymore. I blew out a shaky breath and ran a hand through my tangled hair. Of course things would turn out like this. Why had I let Arabella convince me that I would get a fairytale romance? This was reality.
"All right," I whispered. "I understand."
James clenched his teeth. "I don't understand you, Lily," he finally snapped. His eyes were wide, confused and angry. "How can an emotion like this change within one day… no, one night? It's just not possible!"
I pushed down the urge to cry and steadied my breathing. "It didn't change within one night. I… I knew I loved you, or at least, liked you. It's just… you don't exactly have a favorable reputation when it comes to girls, James. What if you hurt me? What if this is all just a game to you? I couldn't rule that out."
His eyes narrowed drastically. "You think I'm going to cheat on you. Is that it?"
The words sounded so terrible when they came from him. "No," I stammered. "Not exactly cheat, but I was scared that you'd get bored of me and toss me aside like all the other girls you've been with."
"Are you any other girl, Lily?"
I shifted my gaze from the window to his face for a brief second. "I… don't know." A pause. "Am I?"
He cursed and ran a hand agitatedly through his hair. "What do you think?" he asked furiously. "After all that I told you… you're not stupid, Lily."
"But you never said anything!" I protested.
"Did I have to?" he retorted. "Did I not make it blatant enough with everything I said?" He let out a bitter chuckle. "Everything just comes down to trust. You just don't trust me."
I shook my head hurriedly at that. "Of course I trust you!"
"Then why didn't you give me a chance? Why didn't you give me the benefit of doubt and let me prove myself to you?" His expression was condescending. "You just went right on ahead and automatically assumed that I'd cheat on you."
I sighed. There was no refuting that anymore. It was true. It had been a severe doubt of mine, one that had altered my reply.
James leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. "Just go, Lily." His voice was tired. "Thanks for telling me everything."
It took everything I had not to burst out into tears right on the spot. I didn't need James pitying me. I headed towards the compartment door and slid it open without a sound. He still didn't open his eyes.
I took in a breath and said quietly: "I'm sorry for doubting you, James." And then I stepped out into the hall and let the compartment door shut behind me.
It was nearly dark when the Hogwarts Express pulled into Kings Cross. Arabella and I waited till the train had come to a complete stop before making our way off the train… for the last time. My vision became blurry. I ran a hand along the compartments as I passed, my eyes taking in the glorious structure and compound. It was beautiful.
Arabella was right beside me, her blue eyes watery. I glanced at her… and the waterworks started. I couldn't help it. I threw my arms around her and felt her pull me into a tight hug. We were both sobbing our hearts out. It was strange. I knew I would see Arabella again, as we were both interested in becoming Aurors, but things just wouldn't be the same anymore. We wouldn't be carefree seventeen-year-olds by the time we saw each other again.
I knew Arabella would change and I knew I would change. I was just unwilling to let go of everything.
After what felt like forever, we finally broke apart and she gave me a watery smile. "Don't cry, Lily. We'll see each other again. I'll Floo to your house and we'll keep in contact with our owls. Besides, it won't be long before Auror training starts."
I smiled and wiped away my tears. "I know. See you, Bella." She gave me one last squeeze before she walked away with her parents. I stared at her retreating figure. I hadn't said much once I had returned to our compartment. The rest of the Marauders were ushered away and Arabella just murmured comforting words to me the rest of the way.
I released a sigh and scanned the crowd for my own parents. They were always prompt individuals, which was why I was a little surprised when I didn't see them in the mob. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and was prepared to throw myself into the person's arms – I figured that it'd be either Mum, Dad or Petunia – and stopped mid-motion when I saw James standing before me.
My jaw slackened. "James?" I asked in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"
His smile was crooked. "Going home."
I scoffed at his remark and rolled my eyes. For a moment, it felt like old times, but I couldn't block out the loud thumping of my heart and the intensity of his gaze on me.
"Listen, my parents are already here and Sirius is getting impatient," he said. "But… I did some thinking after you left, and I realized that…"
His speech was suddenly cut off by a loud voice that sounded immensely like Sirius. "Oi, Prongs! Get your fat arse over here!"
James looked highly flustered and his words quickened. "I realized that you were right about many things. I don't have the best reputation when it comes to girls and I know that it was a major deciding factor in your choice." He suddenly grabbed my hand and pressed a note into it. I felt the scratchy surface of parchment but I didn't look down at it. "Just… come visit me this summer, will you? I…"
Sirius's voice came again, only louder. "Prongs! Where the hell are you? We're all waiting on you!"
"I'm coming!" he shouted. He averted his attention back to me, his hazel eyes imploring. "I would really like it if you came. So please… try to make time?" He smiled hopefully and I couldn't help the curve of my lips.
"I'll see if I can fit you into my busy schedule," I said as nonchalantly as possible, but my huge smile gave me away.
James grinned, and in a flash, bent down and pressed his lips to mine briefly. He pulled away and winked. "See you soon."
"Bye," I murmured.
He waved cheerfully and was gone, lost in the crowd of people leaving the station. I glanced down at the torn piece of parchment in my hand and practically burst into a fit of giggles. James had hastily scrawled his address onto the paper.
I clutched the note tightly in my hand. I was so happy that I seriously could've done an Irish jig. And that was how Petunia found me, spinning giddily around in circles.
Her eyebrow was faintly arched and she was giving me a look of exasperation. "What's wrong with you now?" she muttered. "Do you have to attend summer school or something?"
I smiled brightly and threw my arms around her neck. Petunia let out a grunt of disgust and meant to push me away, but I held on too tightly. Finally, she sighed and returned the hug.
I finally pulled away and flashed another brilliant smile. Petunia just shook her head and muttered 'freak,' though her voice lacked conviction.
"Are you finished with your spaz attack?" she said. When I nodded, she blew out a breath of relief. "Well come on then. Mum and Dad are waiting in the car."
I grabbed my trunk and followed her towards the parking lot, my face still glowing brightly.
Life was good.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I know this is a tad long, so props for sticking it through. Please review and let me know what you think - I'd love to hear from you :)
xox KRS