The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off somewhere. This is a sequel to Catfights and Cat Stampedes. Just more madness in my tiny brain that needed to get out.
More Like Square Zero
"Well I hope you are happy with yourself Baroness," Tomax grumbled as the Cobra High Command entered the war room.
"I am," The Baroness smirked.
"Thanks to you, Cadet Deming is in the hospital wing!" Xamot bristled as they sat in the war room.
"She has two broken ribs, a broken leg and her jaw is wired shut!" Tomax snapped.
"Which means she won't be able to talk for quite a while," The Baroness scoffed. "You should be thanking me."
"What do you care anyway?" Mindbender asked. "She dumped the two of you when she found out you were broke."
"Who could have seen that coming?" The Baroness asked sarcastically.
"Just because we have split up…" Xamot began.
"Doesn't mean we still don't have feelings her," Tomax bristled. "She is still a very special woman."
"Special is not the word I would describe for her," The Baroness scoffed. "Gold digging tramps like that are a dime a dozen."
"Oh and I suppose you would be the expert in that subject now wouldn't you Baroness?" Xamot snapped.
"Why you…" The Baroness made a fist.
"Aren't we forgetting the purpose of this meeting?" Destro asked in a tired voice."Can we get back on track to finding Cobra Commander before things get
violent? Again?"
"What were we talking about before?" Mindbender asked. Destro gave him a look. "Oh right. Cobra Commander is missing."
"Have you been inhaling your own chemical fumes again?" Destro sighed.
"Probably," Mindbender shrugged. "Hey those cat scratches were very painful!"
"And the fifth of scotch on your breath?" Destro asked.
"I thought since Cobra Commander wasn't around I'd celebrate a little," Mindbender shrugged.
"Okay I buy that," Destro admitted. "If we can't find him I know I'd celebrate a lot!"
"Did everyone check his quarters and all the labs?" The Baroness asked.
"We looked everywhere," Tomax grumbled.
"No Cobra Commander," Xamot agreed.
"Well its official," The Baroness sighed. "Cobra Commander is nowhere to be found on base."
"Which means he's somewhere off base," Mindbender frowned as he folded his arms.
"Personally I have always found Cobra Commander to be a tad off base, but that is neither here nor there," Destro remarked as he leaned against the wall. "The question is what are we going to do?"
"Besides throw a party?" Mindbender asked.
"Cobra Commander despite his flaws…" Xamot spoke as he sat down.
"His many, many flaws…" Tomax added.
"Is still leader of Cobra and therefore is vital to our operation," Xamot finished.
"Seriously? He is?" Mindbender asked. "Didn't we once create an emperor for the sole purpose of getting rid of that jerk?"
"Yes but if you recall, it didn't work out that well," Destro sighed.
"Oh right," Mindbender sighed.
"You don't think that he's been captured do you?" The Baroness asked.
"I doubt it for two reasons," Destro said. "First if he was captured by the Joes or any authorities we'd have been attacked by now. Cobra Commander would sell out his mother at the drop of a hat if he thought it would help his situation."
"That's true," Mindbender nodded.
"And secondly there hasn't been anything in the news describing any latest terrorist captures for the past twenty four hours," Destro added. "No, wherever Cobra Commander is I'm fairly certain that he isn't in custody."
"Who isn't in custody?" Zartan walked into the room.
"Cobra Commander, we think," Mindbender said.
"Why don't you know?" Zartan asked.
"Because he's been missing for at least two days and possibly four," Destro asked.
"Possibly four?" Zartan asked.
"We haven't exactly been keeping track," Destro explained.
"Too busy partying?" Zartan asked.
"Haven't gotten around to that yet," The Baroness said. "We just kind of noticed he was missing and we were trying to figure out the timeframe."
"MEOW!" A cat's cry was in the hallway.
"HEY! GET OFF MY LEG YOU STUPID CAT!" Buzzer was heard yelling in the hallway.
"Oh damn there's still more stupid cats out there!" The Baroness closed her eyes in frustration. "I thought we got rid of all of them!"
"No, most of them escaped," Mindbender sighed. "There is a difference."
"We were all nearly mauled by a bunch of cats!" Ripper snapped as he and Monkeywrench walked into the room.
"Really angry cats," Monkeywrench nursed a fresh batch of scars on his hand.
"You'd be angry too if you were milked every day for pseudo dairy drink in a low budget restaurant," Destro sighed. "But enough about that. Zartan when was the last time you and your Dreadnoks saw Cobra Commander?"
"Before we left five days ago," Zartan said.
"Where did you lot go anyway?" The Baroness asked.
"Oh we were on a recon mission," Zartan said.
"Boy that was a great vacation!" Torch walked in with Mickey Mouse ears on his head.
"I'll say!" Buzzer smiled as he walked in carrying a stuffed Donald Duck toy.
"So much fun!" Road Pig spoke as he walked also wearing Mickey Mouse ears and speaking in his Donald Voice.
Then Road Pig took over. "Y-Yeah that was a b-blast!"
"All right you caught me," Zartan sighed. "I took the lot to Disney World for a few days. Happy?"
"Do I want to know why?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow.
"I lost a bet. I am not going into any more detail than that," Zartan sighed as he sat down at the table.
"I don't think we want to know any more details than that," Destro sighed. "I take it now the state of Florida is now on fire?"
"Well maybe but not because of them," Zartan said. "For once these jackals actually behaved themselves. Well until we went to Epcot and they decided to sample the drinks in each country."
"I see," Destro sighed.
"We started off in France and by the time we got all the way around to Mexico they were pretty sloshed," Zartan said. "But even after that all they did was throw up a little. And jump on the daily parade floats, did some embarrassing dance steps and mooned Goofy."
"Yeah we had so much fun on the rides and stuff we didn't even get a chance to steal much," Torch smiled. "Okay we took one of those bushes that's in the shape of one of the Seven Dwarfs and Road Pig stole a Royal Doulton teapot from Great Britain but other than that…"
"Unbelievable. For you lot that is well behaved," Destro was stunned.
"Wow, it really is a magic kingdom after all," Mindbender remarked.
"Let's get back on track," The Baroness sighed. "Zartan when was the last time you and your Dreadnoks saw Cobra Commander?"
"Just before we left he was in his office," Zartan said. "He was beating up some flunky because we were out of coffee or something."
"And then he shot him," Torch snickered. "But then Snake Face realized that he shot a Synthoid and he was really ticked off that he didn't get to kill a person."
"Last we saw him he stormed out of his office screaming for a cleaning crew and looking for a real person to shoot," Ripper nodded.
"Well that's nothing out of the ordinary," Tomax blinked.
"Pretty mild behavior for the Commander," Xamot agreed.
"At least we know he wasn't suicidal," Mindbender shrugged.
"Homicidal definitely but not suicidal," Destro sighed. "Which leads us right back to where we started."
"And where's that?" Torch asked. "Seriously what were we talking about again?"
"Focus Torch," Zartan sighed. "I know it's difficult but please try to keep up."
"I hate it when he goes on one of his selfish rants and binges," Destro grumbled. "Doesn't he realize that Cobra is in enough trouble without him going out and causing more?"
"The man hasn't had a decent scheme to take over the world in over a year," The Baroness agreed. "We spend more time trying to make money and then cleaning up the messes when we fail."
"Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn," Road Pig spoke using his Donald Persona. "But why are we staying with Cobra anyway? We are no closer to our goal of worldwide domination than when we started. If anything we couldn't be any further."
"Y-yeah it's like you guys are back to Square One," Road Pig spoke next.
"Further back than Square One," Donald spoke again. "More like Square Zero."
"I hate to say this but they do have a point," Tomax sighed.
"Business wise our stock has certainly plummeted," Xamot agreed.
"In more ways than one," Tomax agreed. "Perhaps we need…?"
"A new approach?" Xamot finished.
"You mean using a more business like model instead of a terrorist one?" Donald spoke.
"Cobra needs something if it is going to survive," Destro frowned. "And leadership is definitely a quality we are lacking at the moment."
"Who says we want Cobra to survive?" Zartan frowned. "Quite frankly I'm wondering if it's time that we all went our separate ways. I know I can make twice as much money as what I'm making now if I just took my Dreadnoks and went back to being a freelance mercenary."
"I know for certain I'd be happier if you did take your Dreadnoks away and I'd never see you again," Destro glared at Zartan. "I'd definitely have more time to focus on my business and rebuild it if I didn't have to worry about Cobra's finances and other matters."
"I guess our lives could go better if we all went our separate ways," Mindbender sighed. "Some days I wonder if my life would have been better if I stayed a humble dentist instead of becoming a mad scientist capable making weapons of mass destruction and creatures of unbelievable power and chaos? Who am I kidding? I may have been richer but I'd be bored to tears."
"Wait I'm confused," Monkeywrench frowned. "Do we want him back or not?"
"Maybe," The Crimson Twins shrugged.
"The problem is that it's not that simple to just simply walk away from Cobra," The Baroness sighed. "For one thing there is the little matter of us all being wanted by the authorities."
"Which ones?" Torch asked.
"For starters the Joes, the FBI, the CIA…" Destro counted. "NATO, Interpol, Scotland Yard, the Kremlin…"
"They're still mad about that whole Alaska thing we did back in the 80's?" Buzzer asked.
"That and the shipment of counterfeit blue jeans filled with itching powder which half of Moscow bought," Destro shrugged. "It's said to this day there are those that still itch in uncomfortable places."
"Let's not forget the other people who would like to see Cobra annihilated that are on the other side of the law…" Xamot pointed out.
"Like all those mob bosses we've stolen money and territory from over the years," Tomax nodded.
"The Arashikage and other ninja clans we've crossed paths with," Xamot added.
"Some more than others," Tomax smirked. "Right Zartan?"
"Don't remind me," Zartan groaned.
"The Mexican Drug Lord Cartels from that time we blew up one of their hiding places and stole all the money that was inside," Mindbender added. "Not to mention that polygamist leader we double crossed and kidnapped some of his wives in order to hold them hostage."
"That was a bloody disaster too," Zartan groaned.
"Not for us," Ripper smiled. "We had a bloody good time."
"And you say my memory is toast!" Torch gave him a look. "I still have bruises when those bloody broads beat us black and blue!"
"For Ripper that's foreplay," Buzzer snorted.
"Hey any time any broad touches me no matter how hard or painful it's still action all right?" Ripper snapped.
"Well if I ever get any action like that again I'd be in a wheelchair for life!" Monkeywrench moaned.
"My point is…" The Baroness sighed. "Cobra has made more than enough enemies that would be more than happy to bring us down one way or another. Our best strategy for survival is sticking together."
"Especially if those damn polygamist broads come after us again," Torch moaned.
"My second point," The Baroness pressed on. "Is that we have all invested way too much time and energy into Cobra to see it fail. Plus do you really want to give our enemies the satisfaction of Cobra falling apart?"
"Nothing sticks a group together like revenge," Zartan admitted.
"And my final point, sooner or later Cobra Commander would resurface from whatever hole he's currently hiding under and ruin whatever new lives we would make for ourselves," The Baroness sighed.
"The annoying self-absorbed serpent does seem to have a knack for showing up when he's least wanted," Destro grumbled. "Or expected."
"Fine. We won't disband Cobra," Mindbender groaned. "So now what do we do?"
"We need to find Cobra Commander," Destro said. "That's what we need to do even if we have to search every nook and cranny from here to Timbuktu."
"Oh great," Monkeywrench grumbled. "There goes my weekend."
"What about his phone? Doesn't he still have that?" Torch asked.
"I don't know, why?" Destro asked.
"Well if you call him and he answers you can trace his location," Torch said. "Or you could just use that tracking chip CC has in his personal phone anyway. You know? The one he has in case he was captured or something?"
Everyone looked at each other in shock. "Is it just me or did that actually sound like an intelligent sensible idea?" The Baroness asked.
"It is. Scary isn't it?" Zartan asked.
"I can't believe we didn't think of that ourselves!" Mindbender threw up his hands.
"See? I'm not the only one whose brain doesn't work sometimes!" Torch said smugly.
"Considering the fact that your brain only works one percent of the time that is not something to boast about, Torch," Destro said as he used his cell phone to call Cobra Commander. "It's ringing."
"I hope this works…" The Baroness said.
"You do? Seriously?" Zartan asked. "I mean if it really doesn't work we can always go out and have a party or something."
"Zartan!" The Baroness snapped.
"I'm just saying that if for some reason we can't find the Commander it's not exactly the end of the world," Zartan shrugged. "I'm sure he'll turn up somewhere."
"Shh! Commander! Commander! It's Destro!" Destro said into the phone. "Destro. Your second in command. Yes the one with the metal head! Commander where are you?"
"I have no idea…" Cobra Commander looked around his surroundings. "But wherever I am I believe the decorator must have been inspired by the movie 'The Hangover'. Which coincidentally is what I have. Oohhhh…"
"I'm putting you on speaker! Baroness! Activate the tracker program!" Destro ordered. "Commander I need you to stay on the line! Tell me what you see."
"I see…" Cobra Commander said blearily. "I see a chicken."
"Buckaww!"
"Buckawww! Buck-kawww!"
"Make that several chickens!" Cobra Commander moaned. "There are chickens all around me! OW! Knock it off! Ow! Stop pecking me you stupid overgrown feather duster! OW!"
"You got drunk again and wandered off didn't you?" Destro moaned.
"Destro now is…OW! Not the time for incriminations and lectures!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Now is the time to get me some barbecue sauce and a deep fryer! AHHHH!"
"BUCKAWWW! BUCKAWWW! BUCKAWWWW!"
"Got him!" The Baroness checked the computer in the room. "According to his tracking device the Commander is…right under us?"
"How is that possible?" Destro asked.
"Oh right! I just remembered!" Torch hit his head. "On one of the lower levels we got a chicken coop of some kind."
"A chicken coop? In a secret terrorist base?" Destro gave him an incredulous look.
"A secret terrorist base underneath a fast food restaurant," Torch corrected. "Apparently it cuts down on the overhead."
"BUCKAAWWWWWW!"
"GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BLOODY BIRD!" Cobra Commander was heard yelling. "AND WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANTS? DID YOU CHICKENS STEAL MY PANTS?"
"You mean to tell me that Fang Face was right here all this time and we were running around like idiots for nothing because Destro didn't bother to look in a chicken coop for our not so fearless leader?" Zartan snapped.
"I thought you said you looked everywhere!" The Baroness snapped at the Twins.
"We did! Well everywhere we thought he would be!" Xamot protested.
"Who looks in a chicken coop for their commander?" Tomax barked. "On the other hand, who looks for a chicken coop in a terrorist base?"
"We have a cat milking facility and a squirrel meat processing plant! Why wouldn't we have a chicken coop?" Zartan snapped. "In fact the chicken coop does make more sense than all the other stuff we have! You wasted all our time for this?"
"OWWW! HEY! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BIRD BRAINS!" Cobra Commander snapped. "THAT IS NOT A WORM! OWWWWWWW!"
"Your time? You just got here!" Tomax snapped.
"We were the ones on the search committee while you and the Dimwit Brigade were having a ball in Disneyworld!" Xamot snapped.
"All you did was sit here and take up space for ten minutes!" Tomax agreed.
"Yeah well it was my Dimwit Brigade that found Cobra Commander, something you two geniuses couldn't do!" Zartan snapped.
"Ha! Now who's the stupid ones?" Torch laughed. He leaned back in his seat a bit too far and fell over. "Ooof!"
"Still you…" Tomax began.
"By a mile," Xamot folded his arms.
"AAAAH! STUPID BIRDS! YOU BIRDS WILL SUFFER FOR THIS! AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming.
"I know we are already suffering," Destro groaned.
"I gave up a weekend trying to create a date from leftover DNA for this?" Mindbender asked.
"On the other hand…" The Baroness sighed. "Maybe splitting up isn't such a bad idea after all?"