"My tum tum aches for honey…" moaned Banjo as he tearfully checked the cupboards. No sign of honey for days.
It was the honey apocalypse. Gruntilda the evil witch had stolen all of Spiral Mountain's honey and hid it all in an indestructible vault. No one could break in, let alone find it.
Kazooie sighed at Banjo's idiotic yearnings. "Banjo, you'll live. You'll just have to go on a berry diet instead."
"No, I cannot…" Banjo groaned. He ripped his own arms off, revealing his robotic infrastructure.
"Oh great…" grumbled Kazooie. It was time once again to tame the horrid beast.
"HONEY!" screeched Banjo at such high frequencies that even Lord Woo Fak Fak heard the sonic vibrations rattle his stinkin' locker.
Kazooie leapt upon the table and pulled out her grenade launcher. She swallowed the grenade launcher and spat out wicked explosives at her cyborg comrade.
Banjo caught the lethal eggs with his bare robot hands and crushed them with his sheer force of will and determination. He lunged forwards and delivered a sick nasty kick to his Breegull buddie's bottom beak.
Mumbo charged into the room, suspecting unholy chaos with his mighty shaman powers. He saw the turmoil spilling from Banjo's honey cravings and screamed. "Bear! You must cease this madness!"
"You're not my dad!" cried Banjo and he grew a third arm from his back and charged a laser cannon using it.
"No, I am not your father…" said Mumbo sagely. He took out his Black Shield and deflected the harmful blast into Boggy's igloo. Now he had to move again or suffer the consequences of marriage.
"Wait a tic!" said Kazooie. "Mumbo, why can you use the Black Shield? Only robots can use that!"
Mumbo sighed and shed his outer shell. He was actually… Mingy Jongo!
"Why?" said Kazooie amazed.
"I am fighting for good because the future needs it…" said Mingy Jongo with the essence of futuristic diplomacy and survival. He took out a giant ninja star and threw it at Banjo.
Banjo swallowed the ninja star whole. Within him, the ninja star battled with Banjo's mighty organs.
"We will destroy you!" Banjo's pancreas said to the star.
"Aye, come get a lickin'!" said banjo's gallbladder.
The fight was explosive and deadly and made Banjo had dangerous belches that could melt even liquid hot magma.
"Dang, life is an abundance of inglorious rage!" quoted Mingy Jongo from the Tablet of the Ancients (circa 950 AD).
Kazooie was determined to restore Banjo to himself. She switched to ice eggs and baby-birded Banjo such that his infernal gullet would cease the spewing of harmful toxins into the holy atmosphere.
Mingy Jongo pulled out a mean rifle and fired bullets of benevolence at Banjo's shorts, destroying them.
"You've activated my trap!" said Banjo slyly as he revealed his steel underwear. They had lasers, rockets, and everything.
"This is the worst!" said Bottles as he spied the battle from his spyglass from afar.
Jamjars was next to him and was giving a bouquet of peonies to Gobi. "You listen here… We belong together as a heroic team of glory, sir!" said the grand military mole.
Gobi was shocked by Jamjar's speech. "You are a decent individual, soldier!" said Gobi with a smile of hope. Jamjars was so passionate about his duty to the America.
Jamjars gave a bouquet to Bottles, Mr. Vile, Boggy, Lord Woo Fak Fak, Snorkel, Snacker, and Eyrie. His love for duty was so abundant and noteworthy; it would surely make a patriot cry in a teary salute to the brilliant flag of Lady Liberty.
"Hey, guys!" said Banjo as he landed in the pile of patriot friends with his teeth clenched tightly on Mingy Jongo's futuristic iron tutu.
"Holy buttz, broseph!" said Bottles. He and the others whipped out their plasma cannons and cheese whiz launchers.
"Do not fight him! He's too strong!" said Mingy Jongo, wearing a pair of cybernetic overalls in lieu of his tutu.
"This is a bad omen…" said Jamjars. He handed one last bouquet to a Jinjo named Kevin.
Kevin could understand the power of patriotism and how America had liberty and justice for all. He could sense the wisdom of George Washington and Kevin Bacon.
"PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM!" screeched Kevin as he charged forward and blasted Banjo with the Spiritual Jinjo Cannon of Justice.
"Dang! I have been ouched!" cried Banjo. His underwear deactivated and his robot arms were no longer working. Banjo's underwear batteries had finally been drained. Banjo fell to the ground. He was buried in the Netherlands alongside his true father: Alex the Lion.
Kazooie was sad, but didn't weep. She went to the hospital and studied to become a nurse. She made lots of money and acted in several Hollywood films alongside Zazu whom she married three years later.
Mingy Jongo became the CEO of Silph Co. and had eleven children all named Roberto.
Jamjars and Gobi went to Jamaica together and won the lottery, donating all of their winnings to American charities and none to any other country because they were too American.
Boggy got a new igloo and his wife gave him a high-five for his honourable polar bear decisions. Their son Moggy became a professional carrot farmer.
Lord Woo Fak Fak knows your father.
Bottles got elected prime minister of Spiral Mountain and ate twelve separate hoagies on twelve separate occasions.
Mr. Vile sold illegal chickens to Gruntilda and was thrown into prison for 50 years.
Snorkel and Snacker realised the truth about climate change and saved the planet through their righteous biceps which pounded icebergs into oblivion. The Titanic sailed once again thanks to these two benevolent sea-dwellers.
Eyrie went back to school and became a professor in eagle medicine. He saved every eagle known to America.
And lastly, Kevin the Jinjo was crowned king of all of Nova Scotia.
THE END