A/N: Hello again!
I know the show has been over for a while now, but I'm also aware that Sarp&Mert/Umut will always be there with us.
For me, this fiction is a timestamp for my previous İçerde one: As We Fall. You don't have to read the other one in order to understand this, it stands alone as a oneshot all the same. Maybe this will be the first and last timestamp, maybe others will follow and create a verse, I'm not quite sure. But I'd like to think that there might be more in the future.
They are not mine, but all mistakes unfortunately are.
#1
- Finally Together -
"Where are we going?" Umut almost slurred, his eyes were closing on their own accord with exhaustion but he refused to let them stay closed long enough to drag him into blissful unconsciousness. He didn't want to go to sleep anytime soon in case he woke up and found it all gone the second he opened his eyes—much like all the dreams he used to have when he was a kid.
Although his heart was finally at peace at the new revelation, his head was still playing catch up and trying to process the fact that Sarp, of all people, was his brother.
That he and Sarp belonged to the same family; the same mother; Fusun Teza.
"We need somewhere safe where we can sit and talk." And where you can get some rest. Sarp told Umut, opting to keep the second reason to himself, and turned soft eyes in his brother's direction before they were back on the road again. "So, your apartment."
Willingly giving up control, Umut just nodded. Any energy he had left was seeping fast out of his body and he let his head roll against the headrest of Sarp's car, keeping his brother in his line of vision all the time.
They made their trip in comfortable silence, each giving himself the chance to recover from the emotional onslaught of the long awaited news. They let the warmth of the other's presence chase away any negative feelings they had ever had in each other's company before and let themselves soak into it for the first time since they had been introduced to each other as foes. It wasn't long before they reached their distention and Sarp was standing in the open passenger's door and gently shaking Umut awake.
He woke up with a start, his eyes blinked open and went wide with not little fear as he realized that his body had succumbed to exhaustion after all.
"We're here," Sarp was saying and Umut let out a stuttering breath when he saw the look in his eyes. He was still looking at him and seeing Umut, not Mert.
He wasn't dreaming.
This was real.
"Think you can give me a hand here?" Not as oblivious to the torrent of mixed emotions assaulting his little brother as he was pretending to be, Sarp patted Umut's slightly shaking shoulders, trying to anchor him to the here and now.
A sense of déjà vu hit them both with such a force as Umut took Sarp's offered hand and allowed him to help him out of his seat and the car. A completely reversed memory of what seemed to be another lifetime; of Mert helping Sarp out of the same car, both their hands slick and painted with Sarp's blood.
"Umut," Sarp said his name like a prayer, just like he had called for the long-lost boy in the car's backseat when he'd been fighting a losing battle with unconsciousness back then.
And just like it had that night, something inside Umut broke again—for a whole different reason this time.
"You took a bullet for me," Umut whispered and realized that his right hand was settled against Sarp's shoulder where he had shot himself. "You took a bullet for me and I still tried to kill you." He took his hand away and closed his fingers into a fist, afraid if he looked at them he would see his brother's blood covering his hand all over again.
"Hey, look at me."
But he couldn't, his eyes were glued to his shoes and he felt himself sway a little. The hand Sarp kept on his arm tightened and Umut turned watery eyes upwards to look at Sarp.
"You weren't the only one, we both did horrible things to each other but it wasn't our fault. How would we have known? Huh? Stop it. No more blaming, no more crying. I found you, and that's the only thing that matters right now, you got me?"
And Umut could only nod as more tears slipped from his tired eyes.
"Come on, brother." Sarp moved with him towards the building, his hand not leaving Umut's elbow, intent on supporting him all the way—figuratively as much as literally.
When they entered the apartment, Sarp was taken aback by the sight that met them. He stopped in his tracks while Umut sighed loudly beside him. The younger man had completely forgotten about the mess that was currently his apartment.
"What is this? What happened here?" Sarp asked worriedly, cautiously moving around Umut and towards what could only be described as destruction.
"It's nothing," Umut replied immediately, instantly going for deflection, the everlasting part of his defense mechanism. "I'll clean it up later."
Sarp was looking at him now, eyes narrowed with worry and realization and Umut shifted his weight uncomfortably from one leg to another under his stare. He didn't know how to feel about the fact that Sarp seemed able to see right through him so easily now, and more importantly, how he didn't feel the need or desire to take action in return.
"It's just," Umut squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, trying in vain to ease the throbbing pain behind his eyes. "It's been a hard couple of days, you know," His hand fell next his body and he lifted a shoulder helplessly. "It's been a hard couple of years." Not able to hold the thought back, Umut said on what was meant to be a chuckle but came out as a whimper instead.
Before he could feel his legs moving, Sarp was in Umut's space again, wrapping his arms around him and tugging him towards his chest. Umut's fingers clutched at his back immediately and Sarp felt a warm dampness spreading on his shoulder almost instantly as Umut cried silently in his arms.
Umut hadn't had the nerve to stay around after that night, let alone clean after his own mess. He had dropped by only once, picked up a bag and blindly shoved several mismatched clothes into it as fast as he could and fled. He just hadn't been able to handle being there at the time. "I just couldn't bear the thought of even being here, all by myself." Umut's words were muffled against Sarp's shoulder.
"Shh, it's gonna be okay. We're together now." Even though he didn't understand half the things Umut must have gone throughout all these years, Sarp felt his heart clench and a fist of tears sat at the base of his throat as his eyes moved around the room; the proof of a breakdown hitting him square in the chest.
Umut just clang to his brother, it was the only thing he could do right now. His head and heart were two messy places, both Mert and Umut fighting for dominance as his past and present collided together.
He opened his eyes and looked at his ruined kitchen. He had taken special satisfaction in smashing up everything his hand could touch that day. He had wanted to break and destroy anything and everything just like his soul has been crushed.
Just like his whole existence has been coming apart at the seams.
When he finally quieted down, Umut lifted his head off Sarp's shoulder and whipped his red rimmed eyes.
"Sorry," He apologized on a long, shaky exhale—not sure what exactly he was apologizing for, the fact that he was burdening Sarp with all he was feeling inside or his inability to stop crying like a four-year-old girl who lost her favorite Barbie toy.
"Never apologize to me. Understand?" The implication in Sarp's words wasn't lost on him.
And it was strange and comforting, how there seemed to be a line of understanding between them that wasn't there before, how they seemed to understand everything the other wasn't even saying when they were only reunited no longer than a couple of hours ago. Their connection wasn't awkward or hard to figure out, they didn't need to learn how to move around each other, they simply slotted together, claimed their long lost roles of big brother and little brother.
Like two pieces of a puzzle, perfectly fitting together.
"Hey, why don't you go change into something more comfortable while I try to clean up here a little bit?" Sarp told him softly, yet with a hint of authority that Umut instinctively wanted to comply with.
"You don't have to do that," Still, the proud, independent part which belonged to Mert inside him couldn't just accept help that easy. "I'll clean it up later."
Sarp just smiled a knowing smile at him and put his two hands on his shoulder. "You know, the sooner you accept the fact that you don't have to do everything on your own anymore the better, Kardesim." He patted his cheeks before his hand moved to his head and smoothed his hair out.
At the fond gesture, Umut felt like the child he never had the chance to be for a fleeting moment and warmth blossomed inside his, replacing the ever existent cold emptiness in there.
"Alright, Abi." Umut's upper lip lifted up in a small, but proud smile before he forced himself to stop staring at his brother and turned towards his bedroom.
The noise of Sarp rummaging around his destroyed kitchen and living room helped put him at ease, allowing anxiety to take a back seat for the meantime as he looked inside his cupboard in search for fresh clothes.
Sarp turned towards the kitchen once he was sure his little brother was following his instruction and gave the scene in front of him a long, suffering look. He sat to see if there was anything worth salvaging and found that everything was definitely in a million pieces, exactly how Mert had wanted it to be—he thought suspiciously. Sarp couldn't help but imagine how far on edge the man who always seemed together and oozed confidence had to have been in order for such a scene of utter fragility to come into display.
His eyes did a last sweep of the kitchen and he did a double take as he caught the small carousel music box out of the corner of his eyes. Surprise and an unreasonable flare of anger shimmered beneath his skin for a second.
Did Mert actually steal this one from his house? Dammit, Sarp! He thought as he picked up the small toy from where it was toppled sideways on the kitchenette surface. It was Umut, now and then, and it was his house as well. It was his toy for God's sake. He berated himself not so gently.
Bringing it up for a closer look, he could easily tell it was newer than the one Umut had back at home.
"Eylem got it for me," Umut helpfully supplied, and Sarp flinched and almost dropped their childhood symbol on the ceramic floor at the sudden raspy voice.
He turned around to see Umut had yet to take his dirty boots and pants off but he was shirtless with a black, fresh T-shirt in his hands as if he was in the middle of wearing it.
"I, uh, I saw it at your house and back then I didn't know why, but I really loved the music," Umut explained, fidgeting a bit and looking unsure of himself as his fingers closed and loosened around the dark material in his hands. "First time I heard it I fell asleep on the couch there. Few days after, Eylem sent me a new one at...work." Umut swallowed thickly before he went on.
"Ever since, when I am too wired up I listen to it. It kinda calms me down, helps with the...nightmares and stuff." He finished and looked away; again afraid he said too much, gave away too much. He never told anyone this, not even Eylem. But Sarp—Sarp had always had a halo of protectiveness around him, and he could see it now radiating for him.
Sarp, however, was transfixed.
He wasn't sure which fact drove the knife completely to the hilt into his gut and which twisted it inside him. He was barely able to comprehend Umut's words; ears straining to pick up everything his little brother was and wasn't saying—couldn't say—while his eyes were glued to the younger man's chest.
Silence was the only thing that met Umut's short, but heartfelt speech, and the young man looked up and at Sarp with worry and fear glistening in his eyes. When he realized where Sarp's gaze was settled, however, he cursed his stupidity, rolled the hem of his forgotten t-shirt inward before he put it on as fast as his aching body allowed. Which, of course, wasn't fast enough.
For the first time since he has taken residence in this apartment he despised the fact that it was practically just one big room divided into several different sections—exactly the way he had wanted it to be so he wouldn't feel trapped with his loneliness behind walls of tiny spaces—instead, he wished it had more doors where he could turn and hide while he changed and not have to face the intensity of Sarp's stare.
The second the black material covered Umut's torso Sarp snapped out of his haze. He stepped forward with uncoordinated steps and almost stumbled on a piece of the wreck on the floor before he reached out and pulled the thin cotton up to uncover Umut's heavily bruised chest.
Umut let out a small, surprised grunt as his body was jarred forwarded without warning and Sarp's free hand came to rest on his shoulder, supporting Umut or himself, Umut didn't know.
"It's noth—" Before he was able to finish his words, Sarp's intense gaze met his eyes, forcing him to swallow his lie down with thick saliva.
"I did this, right?" Sarp finally spoke, his voice cracking as shame pooled in the sockets of his eyes. "Back on the roof, I did this, right?! How could I do this to you?!"
Before Umut had the chance to answer, Sarp went on. And Umut realized that Sarp wasn't talking to him, not really.
"When I woke up and I didn't find you, I assumed you were fine. Thought you'd walked away without a scratch," Sarp's eyes fell back to Umut's now-covered chest, but his eyes were looking back in time. They were looking at Mert's challenging stare, disheveled hair, bloody lips, bleeding head, and shaking fists—before Sarp had angled his leg just so and they had both gone flying and over the roof, directly freefalling towards the unforgiving street ground.
Umut smiled sadly at how strong Sarp had thought he were while beneath the surface he had been just a shell of a long-since-broken man.
"I'm not invincible, you know." He told him with the same sad smile, and put both hands on Sarp's cheeks and his big brother's shocked stare locked with his.
"Whatever happened happened. We can't change that. So let's please forget about the past and try to savor the present."
He told him, half-reassuring half-begging and Sarp nodded, smothering his guilt for the time being, knowing that he had a higher priority; taking care of his brother.
He wrapped his arms around Umut's shoulder, gentler this time, and brought his upper body towards his chest in a somewhat desperate hug. Umut hugged him back with no less intensity
After a few muffled sniffles, Sarp broke them apart but kept both hands on Umut's shoulder. He then turned him around and for a second Umut's heart dropped to his feet at the thought of Sarp checking his back as well. When Sarp took a step forward and started to steer him towards the bed instead, he sighed in relief. Umut sent a silent thank you to whoever was watching over him for the divergence and Sarp's momentarily lack of foresight to check his back as well.
Sarp didn't have to see the evidence of the vicious childhood he had had to endure, not yet anyway. Umut knew that he wouldn't be able to hide it forever, but he was grateful he could for now.
Both of them were due for a desperately needed break.
They had fought tooth and nail for years to earn it.
On cue, as if Sarp was aware of Umut's thoughts, they reached the bed and Sarp was pushing him gently to sit then lie down.
"It's been a very long day, how about you get some rest, huh?" Sarp was practically tucking him in before he could even form an answer.
"What about you?" Umut raised his head off the pillow in a slight worry when Sarp straightened and was about to step back.
"I'll be here," Sarp batted his cheek, answering Umut's real question. "I'll see what I can do to clean up around a bit. You get some rest."
"You can rest, too. We can clean up later, together." Umut sighed, the last word sounding like a prayer.
But Sarp was already on the move; he took the music box from where he had left it on the kitchenette and brought it to Umut's side. Umut's eyes followed his movements as he twisted the base and put the little musical toy on the nightstand near Umut's head.
As the music started, his body started to visibly relax into the mattress and heavy eyelids dropped over bloodshot eyes. Then Sarp seized the opportunity and moved to take off his boots. Umut flinched at the first contact, eyes opening again as stared at Sarp, who didn't seem to be fazed by his reaction.
"What are you doing?" He knew what Sarp was doing, that was a stupid question. The real question was why was he doing it? Sure, Eylem had once forced him to lie down on his couch as she worked his shoes off before, but that was only because he had had a broken arm and was too hooped up on pain medications to refuse her ministration.
"What does it look like I am doing?" Sarp simply asked in return, glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes from his position on the end of the bed. That, and the achingly familiar music coming from the music box, triggered a memory in Umut's head—a far younger version of Sarp helping him put on his pajamas and tucking him into bed.
He gasped and a second later Sarp was filling his vision and patting his cheek.
"What is it? Does your leg hurt? Are you in pain?" Sarp asked frantically, hurriedly skimming over the last couple of hours when he had found Umut, trying to recall if he had shown any sign of pain that Coskon might have inflected onto Umut before he had busted in.
"No, no. I am fine." Umut answered automatically before he felt the need to give a further answer to Sarp's intense—and overwhelmingly touching—worry. "I'm fine, I just remembered something. A flash of you and me when we were little."
Sarp let out a breath. He wanted to gather Umut in yet another fierce hug but he didn't want to jostle him anymore so he just slid his hand back to Umut's messy hair. "You will remember it all; I will help you do. But for now, just try to get some rest okay? I will be here when you wake up." He assured him again.
Umut smiled and blinked a few times before his eyes eventually stayed closed. He carried the smile with him into sleep, choosing to believe that everything that was happening was real. The last thing he was able to hear before exhaustion finally won and dragged him under was Sarp's whispered promise of 'I got you, kardesim', followed by a light kiss on his forehead.
They were finally together.
-SON-
Hope you liked it. See you in another timestamp, belki! ;)
~Aya