Title: Some Families Have Ghosts, Not Skeletons
Rating: PG+ for sad themes and a couple of bad words
Pairing:Sam/Jack , Daniel/Vala
Character: Jack POV, Sam, Jack and Vala friendship, Daniel
Warnings: Set post series and movies. General spoilers for all seasons, nothing really specific. Mention of canon deaths. Kidlets
Word Count: about 6,000
Category: Angst and Fluff…so flangst?
Summary: An ordinary outing with family aggravates old wounds. Jack and Vala have a conversation about grief, guilt and lost children.
The day was actually going really well. Jack felt quite impressed at how well the day was going. When it came to outings with small children, he knew how easily tantrums and messes could put a strain on everything. But this was turning out to be a lovely and intimate 5th birthday for Clara Jackson, who'd chosen to spend it with the closest thing to an extended family that she had (at least those who weren't "out of town" aka off-world).
So Jack, Sam, and their son Ethan joined Daniel and Vala and Clara on what the girl excitedly called "my birthday 'venture". They'd taken a Saturday to drive to Denver and gone to a special kids' restaurant, complete with waiters dressed as animals and giant pink cupcakes, before making their way to the Denver Downtown Aquarium. The children were so excited to go, and both struggled with patience for the entire week before the outing. The upcoming celebration came up in their childish chatter very frequently. Nearly every day Jack spent with his new "little campers", one or the other asked when they were going to see the fish.
As the group leisurely strolled through the dim hallways of the aquarium, Jack reflected on the way his life had changed in the past few years.
He got a kick out of being a parent this time around, and from spending time with his goddaughter. Ten years ago if someone had told him that he would be spending his retirement as father/uncle, Jack probably would have laughed in their face. Even so, these days Jack's time was devoted to his son and honorary niece.
When Sam, Daniel, and Vala were hard at work protecting the planet, Jack was driving kids to play-dates, organizing finger painting extravaganzas, and preventing cheerio fights from becoming all out breakfast battles. To be honest, he found that he loved it. Some days it was hard, but it was always rewarding. Now, he could not imagine spending his retirement any other way. After so many years of his life spent basically at war, (on Earth, against the Gou'ld, the Ori, and even against IOA pencil pushers) Jack felt most at ease in his new life.
Sure, he and Sam had had some rough patches. It wasn't as though they finally got out of the chain of command and lived happily ever after. For years they'd managed a long distance relationship, an intergalactic one actually, which Jack felt had to be some sorta record. The distance had occasionally strained their relationship.
The situation became particularly difficult for the couple when Sam discovered she was pregnant. Neither of them thought it was even possible, given her age and their medical backgrounds, and at first Jack was terrified to become a parent again. Things had further deteriorated when tests confirmed that the baby in Carter's belly was indeed a boy.
Jack wondered if the universe had it in for him. They'd fought. He'd railed at her for getting pregnant on birth control; for not having the genius to be suspicious of that 3-5% percent margin of error. Because really, how could Carter actually accept that much numerical imperfection in anything for crying out loud? She'd shouted back at him for not being emotionally open enough to let her in, for not explaining how he felt about something before he let it build up and explode as anger, for not understanding that she did need to talk things through sometimes, even if he didn't want to, and most of all for failing to realize that biologically she wasn't even the one who'd made the baby a boy.
The fight hadn't really lasted all that long, but in the months that followed Jack still felt as though the whole pregnancy-baby boy-thing was part of some cruel cosmic joke. He'd woken nightly towards the end of Sam's pregnancy in cold sweats from nightmares filled with pain, blood, and the sound of a single gunshot.
"We'll be alright," she'd murmured sleepily over and over in a cathartic chant, running soothing hands down his arms, seeking to shore up her own confidence as well as Jack's. In the moment, Jack had found it hard to believe Sam.
But then Ethan was born and he was wonderful, so Sam and Jack had found a new normal. He tried to experience each of Ethan's new milestones without dwelling on the crushing sadness of Charlie's lack of new experiences. Jack still had moments of doubt about his paternal skills, times when he cursed himself for accidently letting the name Charlie slip from his lips when he was holding Ethan, times he felt he was much too old for all of this, and times he feared that he was too over protective of his young son.
But Jack had no regrets about having Ethan.
When Ethan was several month's old, Jack and Sam became godparents to Vala and Daniel's child, Clara. It tickled him that his son was so close to Daniel's daughter. Because of Clara and Ethan, Jack had found purpose in his retirement. He loved interacting with both the children and the kind of family life that their existence created.
His fears about parenting weresomewhat eased by the same knowledge that had helped him cope with having another son. He wasn't doing this whole thing alone. He had Sam. They supported each other. Carter was a great mother, though she had plenty of her own guilt and confidence issues. But Jack had utter faith in her, and in return she had always completely trusted his ability to be a father. He could go on somehow, knowing she trusted him, even if he thought he could never quite trust himself. In parenting, as in missions, they always had each other's backs.
Once, when Ethan was a toddler, Jack had nearly lost it. They'd been at the park and the small child had reached the bottom of the slide much quicker than he'd anticipated, and far too fast for Jack's knees to allow him to squat in time for the catch. Ethan had fallen and scratched his face slightly, a minor injury, but all Jack had seen was blood on his son's face. His stomach dropped, his heart stopped, and his palms sweated. Instantly he was back with Charlie on that day; too much blood everywhere, and too much stillness from his once lively boy.
He panicked and was paralyzed, leaning down over a whimpering Ethan. Instantly Sam was there, running a gentle hand down Jack's back as she scooped her son up and worked to calm them both.
"No, Jack," she'd coolly whispered in response to his adrenaline pumped desire to call 911, "The hospital isn't going necessary. Look he already wants to go down again."
Ethan had been fine, quietly pleased even, happy to sport a brand new Toy Story band aid on his cheek as he went to sleep that night. Jack, however, had lain in bed cursing himself for his reaction, his weakness, and his failure to protect his son. Again. Sam had climbed in with him, resting her head on his shoulder as he faced away from her.
"Your feet are freezing," he'd whined, trying to push her away.
"You'll have to deal," she'd shot back, smiling into his neck and snuggling closer.
"Jack, remember how you told me not to worry when Ethan was learning to walk and he hurt his leg on his walker? You said, 'All little kids get hurt sometimes. You can't protect them from everything. But don't worry. They're perfectly sturdy.'"
When he didn't respond she'd prodded, "Jack?"
"I remember."
"Guess what? All little kids get hurt sometimes. You can't protect them from everything."
Jack chuckled, "Smart ass."
She'd then pulled him over to look her in the eyes. "Don't worry. They're perfectly sturdy."
It was different when Carter was afraid about Ethan, though. Jack chalked most of that up to her relative inexperience with babies. She never actually froze, or had any heart palpitations as far as he could tell, and he could usually reassure her quite easily. But then again, her past didn't have a ghost. She'd never experienced losing a child, losing Charlie.
"Sam, I'm so scared something bad will happen to him."
"It's okay. Ethan isn't Charlie."
"I know that, but I-I'm afraid if something happens it'll be my fault. Like before."
Sam had pressed her forehead to his. "I know. But it wouldn't be."
With their faces so close he'd closed his eyes and let himself feel her breathing. Soft, steady puffs of air caressed his skin, and grounded his body.
"Jack," she'd continued, "It's not an understatement to say that we both have… various issues. Neither one of us is going be a perfect parent, but who is? We are doing the best we can. You are doing the best you can. And that's enough. Any number of things will happen to him. He'll-he'll fall off his bike, or out of a tree. He'll cut himself shaving for the first time, or maybe he'll be clumsy and trip a lot. We can't prevent all of that. No matter how much we try to; there are way too many variables to predict. We just have to make sure we do everything our power to keep him safe, to teach him, to make him laugh, and to be there for him when something does happen."
She'd laced their fingers together.
"We're doing that Jack. You are doing that. You are a great father. And I am very glad that you're my son's father."
His chest grew tight then and he'd let out a shuddering sigh.
She'd squeezed his hand and whispered, "We'll be alright."
And, for the most part, Jack had to admit, they had been.
Today, in the Aquarium, the birthday girl was having a blast. Clutching her father's hand and dragging Daniel and Vala to all the hands on exhibits, Clara overflowed with questions. The adults scarcely had time to answer one question before the next one was asked.
Jack chuckled when the little girl asked, "Can a fishy smell?"
Vala lifted her daughter up and wrapped the child in a warm embrace, answering, "Probably not in the same way we do, darling. After all they do breathe water."
Daniel jumped in brandishing an exhibit guide, "This says that salmon can smell their way back to their original birth places."
"Wow," Clara said somewhat absent mindedly, as though she was filing the information away in some corner of her young mind. She slid from her mother's arms, pressing ahead and pulling her parents to the next tank, her dark hair flowing behind her, "What's that?"
Jack stayed with Sam and their son. Ethan O'Neill was a little older than Clara and a lot more cautious. Unlike Clara, Ethan seemed to take time to process, to really calculate information, before he stored it in his mind. He hung back, holding his mother's hand, continuing to peer at the North American fish exhibit that the Jackson's had just left.
He fidgeted with his mother's fingers, and cocked his head to one side. "Look Mama!"
"What do you see Wheat-Thin?" Jack asked casually. He looked down to meet his son's blue eyes. They seemed somehow even brighter than normal as the backlight of the fish tank hit them, in contrast to the dull green tint that the tank gave his brown curls. Ethan's eyes were so similar to Sam's eyes. Jack could tell there was always something going on behind them.
"Is that one a trout, Daddy?" Ethan asked pointing to a fish, barely visible as it swam in the lower left hand corner of the tank, "Like we see when we go fishin'?"
Jack was surprised his son identified the fish so well. The kid had an excellent memory, and could be too smart for his own good.
Sam squeezed the boy's hand. "I think you're right!"
"Yeah buddy, good job."
His compliment was rewarded with a beautiful dimpled smile that never failed to make Jack melt, whether it came from Ethan or his mother. Jack flashed his son a smile of his own, and wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders before the three of them walked down the dim hallway to meet up with the Jacksons.
All in all, Jack was ready to count today's adventure as a complete success. No car trouble, intergalactic interruptions, and most importantly, no tantrums. Sam and Daniel were in their element, fielding question after question from Clara and even a few from Ethan. The kids seemed to be having a great time. Jack had to admit he liked learning about fish, along with watching the little guys learn. Vala also appeared to be enjoying herself.
But then the mood of the outing changed.
Jack didn't quite know what caused it. Whether it was an expression, or a phrase, something fleeting but familiar got to Vala. Clara Jackson was a spirited 5 year old going on 20, who Jack well knew could be as defiant as she was sweet. The child's opinionated and sometimes contrary nature was usually something Jack thought Vala took pride in, but today it seemed to undo her.
It shouldn't have caused a problem actually, because it's a universal truth that 5 year olds need to go to the bathroom often, and that sometimes they don't want to go, so they deny needing to. And Vala double-checked; as all mothers across the galaxy know it is wise to do.
"You're sure you don't need to go?"
"I told you I don't hafta go Mommy!" Clara said trying to pull away from her mother to look at some fish, "Why don't you believe me?"
That did it.
Something in this exchange unsettled Vala; Jack could tell.
She blanched and pulled back from the girl. Clara and Ethan seemed oblivious and continued to peer into the fish tanks, but the adults all noticed.
Vala relinquished her daughter's hand, and quietly excused herself, before retreating back up the hallway to a bench. Jack sensed that Daniel and Sam were silently discussing which of them should go after her.
"I'll go," Jack said turning to follow Vala.
"But Jack-," Daniel began to protest until Sam held his arm.
Jack knew that Sam understood why he wanted to go, and that perhaps he was exactly the person Vala needed.
"Daniel, maybe he should talk to her." Sam and Daniel exchanged an intense stare that Jack recognized from the old days when they went off-world and the science twins had a disagreement. After pausing, seemingly to think it through, Daniel acquiesced, relaxing his arm and nodding his approval.
Daniel turned to the kids, "Mommy and Uncle Jack need a tiny rest. Why don't we all go see what's in this exhibit?"
He guided them toward another tank, and Sam followed exclaiming, "Wow, is that a jellyfish?" in what Jack could only describe as 'Carter's kid voice', which always made him smile. It was a specific tone she spontaneously developed after Ethan's birth, used for special occasions like mini-science experiments, particularly messy crafts and visits to museums. It rarely failed to excite both Ethan and Clara, reducing them to fits of giggles.
His smile faded as Jack approached Vala's bench. She looked up at him, eyes filled with unshed tears. "I-I'm sorry. I-I just need a moment."
Jack glanced ahead down the dimmed hallway. Daniel and Sam had the kids under control, and occupied peering into the jellyfish tank.
"You're fine. You have, uh," he paused gesturing down the hallway, "time."
"I feel like such a horrible mother sometimes."
"Oh," Jack winced, knee popping, as he sat down next to Vala on her bench, "I wouldn't say that."
"Sometimes it's really hard," Vala continued, "Sometimes she can be so like-remind me so much of—" Her voice caught and she buried her face in her hands, "How sick is that? I'm wonko."
"Yeah," Jack answered, "I know. It's really hard."
Vala eyed him appraisingly, "You know?"
Jack and Vala had never really been too close. They were surface friends, of course. Because of sg1. Because of Sam and Daniel. Eventually because of the kids. They enjoyed sharing a laugh, childcare, a beer, and the odd movie. But neither ever volunteered to share their inner most feelings.
He's never been good at talking about feelings. Neither has she.
Certainly neither of them liked to share their most painful experiences. Jack had been in charge when the whole Adria thing had happened, so he knew about that, but he actually didn't think that Vala knew much, if anything, about Charlie. He had certainly never volunteered any information about it, nor had she ever asked. This conversation could change that, and alter the careful emotional arm's length that they'd continued to hold between them for years. He definitely couldn't have done something like this, talked to someone about this, ten years ago. Not before Sam. Not so much before Ethan either. But now… Jack sighed and decided to explain.
"Okay first of all, you're not a bad mother. Bad parents usually don't get all torn up about not being good parents."
Jack swallowed, "Believe me I do understand what it's like."
"What what's like?"
The big question. The one part of Jack's life that he avoided talking about the most. He could end it here and back off, or he could press on, and use his pain to maybe help Vala.
He glanced again down the hallway. Sam and Daniel seemed to have found their own bench, and now sat, pointing out jellyfish with Clara and Ethan in their laps. Ethan looked up the hall, making eye contact with Jack, giving a small wave before turning back to continue examining jellyfish. Jack knew he had to continue. He didn't know all the exact details of Vala's feelings about Adria's short life but he had a sense that he understood all too well how Vala felt now.
"I know what it is to lose a child. My…my son Charlie…" Jack struggled, God it was still hard for him to say out loud. It was hard to hear. "Charlie died a long time ago…and I-I'm still torn up about it."
Vala exhaled and looked straight ahead responding only with a soft, "Oh."
Jack sighed again, cleared his throat, and continued, "I've been where you are. Hell, I'm still there sometimes. Just when you think you're over it, something hits ya in the gut. And it hurts just as bad as when you first lost them. It could be anything, a gesture, the sound of their voice..."
He leaned in on her, "The way they hold their silverware even. Just a tiny thing in the child you have now that makes you remember. And remembering can hurt."
"Clara sounded so like Adria, just then. 'Why don't you believe me mother?' It makes me wonder, if I had gotten her away from the Ori?" Vala sounded numb.
Jack found that words continued to pour from his mouth, almost of their own accord, as though he had no real control. Where usually this topic was incredibly draining to address, talking to Vala wasn't all that hard.
"Wondering can be even worse," Jack gently rested his hand on her back, "My son accidently shot himself. With my own damn gun. There's a lot to wonder about. What if I had locked up my gun? What if the wound wasn't fatal? What would he have been? Would I even have Ethan? Would Charlie and Ethan have gotten along? Liked each other? Cassie is just a bit younger than…than Charlie would have been, if he'd lived, and when she's with Ethan, I can't help but think about the lost possibilities. How it would be if things were different? Parents, we never forget, you know? We really never forget. Something like this…it's a major part of you."
Vala continued to stare into space. So Jack licked his lips and pressed forward.
"I know exactly what it's like. There's a lot of guilt, even now, because as much as you don't want to see resemblances in Clara, and feel glad when they are not there, you secretly also want to see pieces of Adria in her. It hurts so much, but you still want it. Just to see a tiny instant of her again. Something alive and pure. Untainted by the death. And you worry that that's not really fair to anyone. It's not fair to foist the legacy of a lost child on the one you have now just because you miss the first one so much. So you chose to ignore all traces. Try to banish the thoughts from your head. I mean when Ethan was born remember what I said?"
Vala turned toward him, smiling faintly, "You were always saying 'he's a tiny bald version of Carter'."
"I did. Yeah, he looks like her, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to only see Sam in him because I was terrified. I had tunnel vision, and ignored any other resemblances. But when Ethan's asleep he does this thing with his forehead, and that's-that's Charlie. It was just so hard to see so…I clung to how, not- Charlie he could be. At first, I thought I needed to."
"Then what? What changed?"
Jack was surprised that he had so much to say. He hardly ever talked about this; generally he actively avoided addressing the subject even with Sam. But now he found that words came easily to him. Maybe he wanted Vala to understand; maybe he knew that she actually did understand in a way that no one-not Sam or Daniel or some shrink- could ever understand.
"Well Vala…" Jack paused, searching for the just right words, "I've never been, uh big on dealing with it. I mean, right after he died, before I joined the SGC, I almost-eh, things were really bad. I was in a dark place. Then I kinda just threw myself into SG1. I didn't really talk about it, I couldn't really, not until we had Ethan, and I- I don't know. I was afraid of stuff. Of losing him, of seeing Charlie in him, of being a crap Dad. Sam noticed, Teal'c noticed, hell sometimes I even worry that the baby noticed. I had to change. Sam and I talked; I talked to Teal'c and Daniel. I talked to myself; hell, I talked to Charlie and the god-damn universe, and I realized something."
Vala looked him right in the eyes. They were desperate and searching, "What?"
"That-," Jack gently pulled her body to face him, "That it's okay. You can't change what happened to her, and it's okay to regret it. It's okay to miss Adria. You have to let yourself be okay with missing her. Even now that you have Clara. Especially now."
Something broke in Vala then.
"I worry I'll forget her. I mean, I don't even know why. I hardly knew her. She spent her whole life trying to destroy this galaxy, I don't know why I- I almost feel disloyal to her. I think Daniel knows. I think Clara knows. And then I feel disloyal to Clara for missing Adria."
"You were her mother. You loved her. Whatever she did, or was. You loved her. And take it from me, you'll never really stopping missing her. It's hard. But Adria and Charlie-they wouldn't blame us for falling in love with Clara and Ethan."
Vala looked skeptical.
"You know cuz they are great, obviously," Jack added trying to lighten the mood and falling flat, "Mostly they wouldn't blame us because they'd want us to be happy. To remember them, but to move on."
"Adria wouldn't-"
"The part of her that came from you would want you to be happy, Vala," Jack quickly cut her off. Actually he wasn't entirely sure that Adria would have actually wanted her mother to be happy after her death, ascension, and eternal battle thingy. But he understood that in this kind of situation, there are just some things you needed to believe.
Jack needed to believe that Charlie hadn't felt any pain. He needed to believe that the boy had had no realization between pulling the trigger and reaching oblivion that he was really dying. He needed to believe that if he ever saw Charlie again in some sort of ever after, that his son would not blame him, as Jack blamed himself.
Perhaps these were little lies, but Jack knew that you needed them to survive. Vala needed to believe that some part of Adria was good, that some part of her was an innocent child. A child who'd want her mother to be happy.
"That part of her loved you," he added forcing confidence into his voice, "And we're doing the best we can right?"
He gestured down the hall to their families, "Clara and Ethan won't blame us for missing Adria and Charlie. Sam doesn't blame me and Daniel won't blame you. We blame ourselves. That's something you've gotta live with all the time. Let yourself miss her. Let yourself remember her. Someday tell Clara—," he paused trying to find a positive spin on Adria's brief life that could be told to his goddaughter. The poor kid wasn't old enough to know and understand the whole truth, nor did she hold the proper security clearance to know her big sister's complete biography.
Jack continued haltingly, "Tell Clara about how strong and determined Adria was, no matter what, and how much you love them both."
Vala sniffled, and tears began to fall down her cheeks. Jack figured she'd never heard anyone describe her daughter's character in an even remotely positive way. He gingerly ran a hand down her back, unsure of how to physically comfort her.
"I still- it's still hard for me to talk about Charlie. But now I try to. I tell Sam and Ethan about how funny he was, how strong he was, and it reminds me of what good memories I should hold on to."
He faced forward again, staring blankly at the wall ahead of him, and holding his palms flat on his knees, and drumming his fingers, "Bottom-line? The loss never gets easier, but with time you get better at dealing with it. There'll still be times like this. When it feels like you've lost the ground beneath you. But it'll be okay. The kid's will be okay. We're not doing this alone. What do they say? It takes a village and all that? Sam and I can help you. Daniel will help you. You can take a minute and regroup. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Vala began to sob freely, and Jack wrapped an awkward arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him and quietly let herself go, crying freely. Jack fumbled around in his pocket looking for something, anything, to offer her to wipe her tears. Despite all the emotional honesty the two had shared in the past minutes, Jack was still uncertain how to deal with Vala's tears.
"Sorry, I don't have any…" he trailed off as she pulled from his uncomfortable embrace, finished with her tears, moments later.
"No, I've got it," Vala mumbled, already fishing a wadded up tissue from her handbag to dry her eyes.
"Little awkward, huh?" Jack said, wincing straight ahead and answering his own question, "Yup. Little bit."
She let out a small laugh and took his right hand.
"Thank you, General O," she regarded him seriously, squeezing his hand and using her original nickname for him.
"Yeah well," Jack gave her a wan smile, "Don't mention it."
They sat in silence for a few more moments on the bench, their thoughts settling on the lives of two lost children. Something had forever changed between them. They'd never be quite the same kind of friends they were before they'd explored this unfortunate bond. But Jack thought that was actually fine, good even. He actually felt better himself, having shared his feelings and experiences with Vala. Perhaps the next time the ground dropped out from beneath them, Jack and Vala had another person who they could talk to. Someone else who understood.
He pursed his lips and asked, "Are you ready?"
"I think so."
"Then help me up, my knee is killing me."
Vala pulled him up and they strolled arm in arm to the bench where their better halves (well, better 2/3rds to be completely accurate) still sat observing fish.
Daniel saw them first, quickly sliding Ethan from his lap and standing up.
"Everything okay?" he asked eagerly, trying to hide his concern.
"Yes, Daniel. We're much better," Vala answered, releasing Jack's arm and walking to Daniel's side.
From Sam's lap Clara, upset at the seeming delay in their exploration, which she believed was caused by the needs of older grownups to rest, regarded Jack (who she knew to be the most grown of them) suspiciously.
"You done restin'?"
"Uh, huh," Jack grinned.
"How are you now?" she questioned.
"Oh, much better. Ya know, aside from the usual. Knees hurt some, little water retention problem, maybe some gas. Nothing to worry about."
Clara seemed unconvinced and glanced back to her mother.
"Mommy helped you?"
"I think," Jack smiled at Vala, "We helped each other."
Clara hopped up, "Okay let's go. I wanna see a shark!"
Jack extended his arm, "You lead the way Corn-flakes."
Clara pulled Vala forward, ready to see what other marine life the aquarium had in store.
Daniel turned to follow them, pausing to mouth Jack a quick 'Thank you'.
Jack turned to face Sam, who remained seated on the bench next to her son. She beamed, and was trying valiantly to hold back her smile.
"Jack," she said, "I'm really proud of you."
"Aw, shucks. For taking a rest?" He glanced at Ethan, maintaining the original cover for his conversation with Vala.
Sam stood up, and held out her hand for Ethan.
"Exactly."
Jack pulled the two of them into a loose embrace. He rested his head near Sam's ear and whispered, "I could never have helped her if it wasn't for the two of you."
Jack smiled slightly. His life had changed dramatically in the past ten years, as had Vala's. Things were still hard, but right now Jack had the feeling that everything would work out.
"And we're walking," Jack said pulling the two forward.
Ethan however was reluctant to move, and he continued to regard the tanks around him with a furrowed brow and a slight frown.
"Thinking again are we?" Jack asked. This earned him a gentle nudge in the ribs from Sam.
"Yes," the child answered evenly,"Mama, do the fish get asked to live here? I don't think they like it."
Inwardly Jack sighed. Already, his son had teased out the moral ambiguity inherent to places like aquariums and zoos. At nearly 6, the sheer pleasure of visiting these places was potentially forever tainted. Maybe this trip was destined a bust after all.
Sometimes Jack worried the poor kid had no willing suspension of disbelief and that it was his own careful over protectiveness that created the problem. He sighed and remembered his own words to Vala moments earlier about constantly blaming one's self.
Daniel said maybe the boy had an old soul. Sam said Ethan was just unique and that Jack worried too much.
Sam considered the child's question, and then responded with one of her own, "Well, why do you think they wouldn't they like it?"
"Yeah kiddo. I bet they like it. They've got water, food, friends…" Jack added.
"I wouldn't like being a fish in here. If I was going to be a fish I'd want to live in the pond by the cabin. Without people lookin' at me."
"You're right," Sam said, gently squeezing the boy's shoulder, "But sometimes the fish are endangered, and living in the aquarium is safe for them. Like when you have people watch you in daycare sometimes after school, before Daddy or I pick you up. They keep you safe, even when you want to be at home, and aquariums can do that for some fish."
Jack smiled. As he had just told Vala, neither of them was in this alone. She had Daniel. He had Sam. There were so many times when he didn't know what to say to Ethan, and she could produce just the right explanation. Like now. Maybe Ethan would still enjoy aquarium and zoo visits. Jack was starting to believe that Sam was right; he worried too much.
Ethan seemed to take in his mother's explanation carefully. He pursed his lips as if weighing the information and then nodded slowly.
"Okay," he said, using his other hand to grab Jack's, "Where'd Clara go?"
"I think they are all looking at sharks," Jack responded suddenly deepening is voice to what he hopped would pass as a sharkish voice, "Do you want to see the sharks?"
He could see Ethan suppressing a giggle. "Yeah."
Jack continued, making quick eye contact with Sam while Ethan's attention was still fixed on him, "Are you sure? They have several rows of teeth you know, that always grow back. Talk about a tooth fairy scam."
Sam took the boy's moment of distraction to reach down and tickle him which caused him to squeal in delight.
"Positive you want to see?" Jack asked.
The laughter intensified, and Jack smiled.
"Okay," he said with mock trepidation, "But we gotta keep holding hands. Cuz Daddy might get scared."
Now Sam was the one trying to suppress her sniggering.
"Not you Daddy!" Ethan shook his head emphatically.
Hand in hand the three of them caught up to the Jackson's.
Yep, Jack thought the day went really well.
We'll definitely be alright.