Post 'Meat' season two.

IN THE CORNER OF THE SKY

Ianto often felt alone. It wasn't something that bothered him terribly, but sometimes it got to him. The worst period had been just around the time of Lisa's death.... both times round. The constant fear and worry, the guilt of betraying her and then his colleagues, the guilt of surviving, the lies and the constant state of being on edge had almost given him a nervous breakdown. No one knew until she'd gotten lose and even after, no one wanted to know. He still wondered at which point he had finally lost her. That had probably been one of the darker parts of his short life. The second time when it had been that bad was when Jack had run away. It wasn't the fact that he missed Jack especially, more the impact his disappearance had had on the team as a whole. The third time and first in terms of order, had been his Tad's passing to cancer in 2002. Ianto's Tad had also been his mentor and best friend and since his untimely death Ianto did not crave company and was used to going for months without anyone touching him.

It was just that sometimes he wanted to be seen, really seen as Ianto Jones, not Torchwood. Very occasionally Tosh would peer through the nebulous of duty and connect with him, they'd talk and smile, but never touch. Sometimes Owen would reach out with an acerbic good humoured barb to remind himself who exactly made the only drinkable coffee in Cardiff. Gwen gave nothing and took nothing; he simply wasn't on her radar. None of it mattered. Ianto had always been an intensely private person who never shared his dreams and secrets with anyone, not even Lisa, he bitterly reflected. Everything had been about her, and providing for her the life that she wanted, his hadn't mattered at the time. But suddenly it hit him, the moment that Jack had bolted to his office to watch Gwen and Rhys on the CCTV, no one saw him, no one saw Ianto, even Jack who was more than willing to fuck him, didn't see him. The trouble was it hit him with the force of a physical blow after a particularly stressful day of being held at gun point and being shot at, kicked and thumped by some useless tosser out to make a fast buck. He stood on the gantry outside Jack's office and gripped the rail as vertigo washed over him in a cold sweat. The Hub tilted and he shuddered in a breath and carefully managed to gather himself enough to grab his jacket and walk out of the Hub without anyone noticing. No surprises there then. He realised as he strode out via the tourist office just how insignificant he really was. The worst thing about this revelation was that he knew it was his own fault, he'd mastered invisible from an early age, perhaps he was just too good at it. Maybe it was just habit. The fact of the matter was, no one noticed and even if they did no one passed comment.

He hauled a few steadying breaths and walked purposefully to his flat, realising rather too late that he hadn't actually told anyone he was leaving. A flash of internal cynicism forced him to wonder how long it would be before anyone rang him to see where he was. Ianto couldn't help but wonder what had prompted this reaction in him. He was tired, no doubt, they all were. He was most certainly confused about the rather dubious relationship he had with Jack. He had nearly died..... Yes, that was it..... He had nearly died. Somehow at the time the gun was jammed in his face it hadn't really registered just how much danger he was in, but now........ Shouldn't he be used to the danger by now? Fuck sake he'd been with Torchwood for almost 4 years, this was by no means the first time he had cheated death.

Ianto keyed his front door and stumbled in, slamming the door behind him and running straight to the bathroom, where he promptly threw up. He sank down next to the toilet, heaving and shaking for what felt like forever. He bit back a whimper, quietly desperate to feel arms around him, keeping the anxiety at bay. He didn't care whose arms, preferably his Mam's or Tad's. Anyone would've done in that moment, anyone.....Even Owen. A choking sound escaped him and then the flood gates opened and he huddled against the bath towels and cried, feeling like a dying star in the corner of the sky, a space so vast and empty it finally overwhelmed him. He didn't want to die. He loved his job, he loved most bits about being alive full stop, and somehow today made him realise just how fragile the balance was, how narrow the tight rope was they all walked every day. He also realised just how beautiful some of things were that he got to see and how awful. That there was no one to share it with because despite his promises to the contrary Jack was only interested in one thing and that didn't involve much talking and certainly no comfort.

Finally the sobbing hurt too much so he stopped, his ribs still sore from the beating he had taken earlier in the warehouse. Still feeling nauseas he pulled off his clothes and took a long shower. An hour later and he was curled up on his bed writing in his diary, and an hour after that he was asleep a pillow pulled tightly into his chest.

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Jack eventually flicked off the CCTV monitor with a heavy sigh as he mentally replayed what had happened with Gwen in the Hub an hour before. He'd been all kinds of stupid that day, bringing Rhys into the fold being top of his 'world's greatest mistakes' list. Breaking protocol and arguing with Gwen in front of the team, well that was plain...... stupid. He was sure Ianto would have a better word for it and on that thought he glanced up and looked through the window down into the Hub. Tosh, glasses on was working diligently at her computer as always; and he could see Owen wondering up from the direction of the vaults with a frown on his face, obviously looking for..... something..... someone. Jack wondered where Ianto was and got to his feet. Ianto. Ok, yes, he'd fucked up there once again. Jack stepped out of his office and Owen immediately gave him a scathing look.

"You haven't got Tea Boy up there with you have you?"

Jack scowled at him. "His name is Ianto, and no I haven't seen him for over an hour."

At that Tosh looked up and glanced between her two male colleagues. "He went home. I think he was a bit upset." She commented, glaring at Jack on the final sentence.

Jack said nothing and retreated back to his office, closing the door behind him. He'd talk to Ianto tomorrow.

Owen shook his head in annoyance. "Looks like I'll be making my own coffee then, want one Tosh?"

She was already back at her work. "No thanks Owen."

As usual Jack was up early, in truth he hadn't been to bed, not his bed anyway. He'd returned to the Hub at 4:30am half expecting Ianto to be there preparing things for the day ahead. He went to his bunk, grabbed a shower and a change of clothes and by 6am Ianto still hadn't come in. Ok, that wasn't normal, Ianto was always in by 6 unless he'd pulled an all nighter.... Jack frowned and went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, he never touched THE coffee machine and went to his office to continue going over the reports from CMA, the Japanese Torchwood equivalent. Jack didn't much like the CMA guys but Ianto and Tosh had worked hard to establish reasonable relations with them and it had proved useful on more than one occasion. His Japanese was shit so Ianto had painstakingly translated everything for him the week before highlighting points of interest at the same time. Ianto was efficient like that, always thinking ahead and taking into consideration what everyone on the team needed most. Jack often marvelled at his quiet mastery of running Torchwood 3, without any of them seeming to notice. Except that he was noticing now when at 8:30am Gwen and Tosh arrived together in companionable conversation. Within minutes they were looking around them and Jack quite rightly guessed that they were looking for Ianto and wondering where their morning coffee had got to. Jack sighed, rather disappointed with himself that he'd only noticed something amiss because Ianto wasn't actually there.

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Ianto rolled over on to his side and thumped his alarm clock into silence as he let out a grumble of pain from sore and protesting muscles. He promptly rolled back onto his side and went back to sleep and dreamt of whales being turned into kebabs that he and Owen were eating over their pints of Brains bitter. He awoke rather abruptly a short time later and then lay there, staring at his ceiling and wrinkling his nose at the sight of the cobwebs above his bed. The minutes slid by, the birds outside started singing and the sun came up. Ianto didn't move, not only did he not want to because it hurt, but he really couldn't be bothered either. He nearly jumped out of his skin when his mobile started ringing. His surprise only increased when he saw the caller ID was Jack. Ianto rejected the call, Jack was actually the last person he wanted to speak to that morning. Within minutes the phone was ringing again to announce a message on his voicemail. Shortly after a text arrived. Reluctantly, Ianto read the message.

R U OK?

It was from Tosh, Ianto deleted it and turned his phone off. Realising he was doing the one thing he was upsetting himself over the previous evening, cutting himself off. It was an automatic reaction to him to anyone who even attempted to get close. Ever since Canary Wharf..... maybe even before then, he gotten to know every nuance of Lisa, but with him he had only let her barely scratch the surface. Ianto chewed at his lower lip and stared at his Nokia.

"Shit."

Finally he texted back.

YEP, SORRY TOSH; OVERSLEPT. BE IN SOON. COULD U TELL J FOR ME PLEASE.

He lumbered in the direction of his bathroom and took a shower and scrubbed his teeth and shaved, prolonging the whole getting ready process for as long as he could. He arrived at the Hub, immaculate as ever at 11:17 am. Tosh was the only one there as the others had gone out to check out a sighting at the railway station. Ianto hung up his coat and waited for Tosh to finish speaking on her coms before offering up a smile.

"Coffee Tosh?"

Her smile was a strange mixture of relief and greeting. "Yes, please."

Ianto nodded and went away to the magic machine and did the honours. Shortly after the rest of the gang piled in through the door, looking thoroughly cheesed off. Ianto silently handed out beverages and went back to the kitchen to get his own before heading off to archive something..... anything, because he realised EVERYONE was looking at him.

"Ianto, my office!"

Jack swept up the steps and Ianto followed like a kicked puppy in his shadow, knowing full well he was about to get a bollocking. To his concern and surprise the moment the office door was closed behind them Jack lowered the blinds in the windows and gestured for Ianto to sit down on the couch. Ianto complied, his mug of coffee cradled in his grasp like a security blanket. Jack sat down beside him, taking a moment to enjoy his first decent drink of the day. Ianto kept his eyes down and waited.........