Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, or anything associated with Degrassi.
Author's Note: I HAD to get this out of my head. Playing with a different, faster type of storytelling. Kinda like it. Slows down at the end for obvious reasons. Title taking from a song by Bush and meant to be used as a double meaning (chemical imbalances in the brain).
Chemicals Between Us
It was about 10 years before Imogen Moreno was born that her parents married, her father was 29, her mother 25. It was a blissful decade for the couple before Catalina Moreno got pregnant. It wasn't planned, and if they were truthful, they could have called the pregnancy an accident, but they were grateful. The baby was their little surprise that would make them a real family.
When little Imogen was born, they knew right away she would take her mother's complexion. Her father had dark honey blond hair and blue eyes, a Fabio in his younger days whereas Catalina was darker, more Mediterranean.
"Our little Imogen, she may look like me, but she'll have your heart, Louis," Catalina said, a year later.
It was about four years after Imogen was born that Catalina began acting a bit odd, Louis Moreno would later tell his daughter. One day, he had come home to find Catalina with her back against the coat closet door, looking upward, seemingly praying and he could hear young Imogen crying inside the closet, begging her mother to let her out. Catalina was praying, raving about a demonic child in the house.
"What are you doing, Catalina?" Louis all but yelled, putting his hands on his wife's shoulders in attempt to remove her from the closet door.
"Get off me, demon!" she screamed and ran into the kitchen, once again reciting a prayer, "Lord, oh Lord, I am your servant, Pauline..."
For a moment, Louis looked after his wife, confusion apparent on his face. Did she just call herself 'Pauline?'
A small, hoarse voice broke him of his thoughts, "Daddy!" Imogen called from behind him. Louis quickly turned around and all but dropped to his knees and collected Imogen in his arms, engulfing her in, what she always called a Papa-Bear hug. "Oh, Daddy," she said as she began crying again, "I was so scared!"
"Daddy's here," Louis said softly before pulling his daughter away from him, "Immy, what happened?"
"Mommy was making snacks and I was helping and then she changed. She said I was a devil," she managed to get out before more tears fell down her face, "Then she chased me and I ran into the closet. I was so scared, Daddy."
"Honey," Louis began, "Listen to me," he gently put his hands on his younger daughter's shoulders, "I want you to go upstairs, go to your room and lock your door, okay? Put on your head phones and listen to your music." Imogen nodded. "Don't open the door unless it's me, okay?" Another nod before Imogen ran upstairs, not looking back.
It wasn't long after that incident that Catalina Moreno was diagnosed with Disassociate Identity Disorder and after nearly a year of therapy, it was found that Catalina had about four different personalities living within her. It took almost another year of therapy before the doctors at the mental hospital decided Catalina was now herself and her personalities were no longer a threat, not that all of them were, but it was Catalina in control. It was then that they allowed Catalina to leave and return to live with Louis and Imogen. Imogen was six when her mother returned home.
Months passed and everything seemed normal, except that Louis never let Imogen be alone with her mother. One day, when Louis came home after picking up Imogen from school, he walked through the front door and immediately felt something was horribly wrong. "Immy, stay here at the door," he said.
"Okay, Daddy," Imogen replied, knowing the drill they had practiced.
It was that day they had found out about a fifth personality named Lauren Gold who had been hiding within Catalina so well that Catalina herself didn't know she existed. Louis found a note, horribly written, but he could tell it was Catalina's writing. The note quickly described Lauren as conniving and evil, wanting to take over Catalina and possibly do harm to he and Imogen and Catalina refused to allow that. "I'm so sorry, my love," the note read, "I can't let her hurt you or Immy. I love you both. Please forgive me one day."
When Louis found Catalina's body, there was blood all over her arms; she had slit her wrists downward. He leaned forward, tears falling down his face and placed a hand on her cold face. "You foolish woman," he choked out.
The funeral was intense for both Louis and Imogen. The young girl didn't understand why her mother couldn't simply wake up. No one explained to her that her mother was dead, that she wasn't coming back and Imogen couldn't understand why.
Soon after, Louis Moreno sold their house in Whistler and moved to Alberta. Imogen was about 10 when he finally told her exactly what had happened with her mother, wanting to wait for her to be older so she could understand that her mother didn't abandon them, that her mother was a loving woman, that she loved them, that she loved Imogen more than anything. She wasn't a bad person, just sick and that Lauren would have hurt her and Catalina couldn't allow that, that Catalina did what she thought was best to protect Imogen and Louis.
It didn't make Imogen feel any better, though. A part of her always felt like her mother abandoned them or that there was something she did wrong and her mother got sick because of it. Imogen had to learn on her own that her mother was never coming back, and being the young girl she was, she was angry about it.
But she had to keep a happy face, for her father. She knew her father was a sad and lonely man. He was older, almost 50, a widower with a kid about to enter junior high school. She tried her best to be perky, to be happy go lucky, to show nothing bothered her, for her father's sake. But apparently her style, her personality was too out there and Imogen quickly became the target of bullies. Still, she tried to keep a smile, ignoring the taunts of being called a freak, even getting locked in the janitor's closet.
Memories of when her mother, under the personality of Pauline, locked her in the coat closet came back at her and she panicked. She cried inside the janitor's closet and pounded on the door and begged to be let out. Dark shadows swarming around her inside, Pauline whispering about her being a devil, causing her mother to create her in order to fix the problem. Lauren giggling saying she's finally got Imogen.
Soon after that incident, Louis figured it was best to move, and again they did to Montreal. Again Imogen tried to be happy go lucky, all smiles and laughs. She found her escape through art and during an art project she painted a beautiful piece and when she explained the meaning of it, that she had lost her mother, she became a target of bullies yet again. Instead of sympathy that one would expect- she did get some sympathy from people, but most kids can be so cruel- she got taunts. When those kids found out her mother committed suicide, they really let her have it. One kid even printed a bunch of flyers with Imogen's school picture- horn rimmed glasses, pig tails, and a spiked necklace- with the print "I made my mother kill herself" under and posted them all over the school.
Imogen didn't go back to school after that and her father was able to get a job at Toronto University and at 14 she started Degrassi Community school. She still had trouble making any friends, in truth she really didn't.
The year passed much the same as all the other schools, she tried to be happy go lucky, all smiles and laughs, but of course, kids would pick on her. She feared things would go horribly wrong again until a boy caught her eye sophomore year, Eli Goldsworthy. He was so different than the other kids, he was perfect.
She wanted to be around him, she needed to be near him. Soon she learned his schedule and would catch glimpses of him walking, sitting in class, eating at lunch. Anything as long as she could observe him she'd be happy. He was so perfect.
Then he began dating Clare Edwards and Imogen couldn't help up feel anger and jealousy at it, as if she had any right. Eli didn't know her, he could be with whoever he wanted, right? But if she could be noticed by him, one day they could be together. And so Imogen waited and watched and took notes. When Eli had his break down and he and Clare broke up, it was Imogen's chance and she went for it. During the play, Imogen spent as much time as she could with Eli, Fiona Coyne catching her interest in the process, but she wanted to spend her energy on Eli. Little did she know, she made things worse for Eli and got her own heart broken in the process.
She tried to befriend Bianca DeSousa, a girl she knew to have problems, she did know about the boiler room and the drama. Still, she tried to befriend her, got detention with her where it was going smoothly.
"Distract me," Imogen said, fidgeting in her seat.
"How?" Bianca asked.
"Tell me a story, tell me how Princess Bianca met her prince?"
"Haven't met one yet."
"Not even the guy you're avoiding?"
"Is it that obvious?" Bianca said, slightly sarcastic.
Imogen gave a small, knowing smile and said "You weren't even mad when I got us detention."
It was a start, until Imogen realized Bianca had stolen the money her father gave her for her birthday. It was another dead end for a friendship Imogen so badly wanted. She literally had no friend she could call a best friend. Not even a good friend. Sure, there were people who were nice to her, people she was class partners with, but outside of the classroom she had no one. She was however, surprised when Bianca asked to meet her, apologized, promised to return her money some day and even gave her a "peace offering" gift. A lingerie piece that was cute and one day Imogen hoped to wear it for someone.
The summer was harsh for Imogen. She just stayed home, took pictures of Volta, went to a lot of art museums, and visited some distant relatives with her father. Unfortunately, she didn't have any cousins her age. The closest cousin she had was in her mid 20's, a woman named Claudia.
"How's school going, Im?" Claudia asked when she had taken Imogen out for a burger instead of eating at one of the family's barbeques.
"It's fine," Imogen replied.
"Senior year right?"
"Yup."
Claudia smiled, her brown eyes twinkled through her thicker, black framed glasses- almost all of Imogen's family had poor eye sight- as Claudia looked up at the ceiling and smiled. "I remember my senior year."
Imogen looked at her cousin expectantly and when Claudia didn't say anything, Imogen tapped her shoulder and gave her a look to continue on with her story.
"Right," Claudia said, returning to the present, "It was pretty awesome. I dated a lot, never got tied down though, and won the most prestigious science award. Got me a scholarship." Claudia had a prideful smile on her face.
"I remember that award, sort of. What kind of people did you date?"
"Some artists. Some band geeks. Boys. Girls..."
That was when Imogen stopped listening to the rest of the sentence, "Girls?"
Claudia stopped talking and looked at her young cousin and nodded, "Yup."
"You're gay?"
"Gay?" Claudia said and laughed, "No, silly, I'm not gay. You've met some of my boyfriends."
"But-"
"Im, just because I dated girls doesn't mean I'm a lesbian."
"Bisexual?"
Claudia thought about that for a moment before finally saying, "Nah."
Imogen gave a small smile and squinted her eyes, "Then?"
"I just like people. I don't care what the equipment is, I go for personality."
Imogen thought a lot about that conversation over the rest of summer break. Just liking people, no labels. Is that how Fiona Coyne was? Imogen shook her head no, she knew Fiona identified as a lesbian.
Fiona sure was cool during the play, Imogen thought, remembering back to the disaster.
The rest of what little summer break she had, Imogen prepared herself. She got new school supplies, folders, binders, pens, and new art supplies. Everything was organized, everything was perfect.
The night before the first day of her senior year, Imogen got her uniform ready, put out which ear rings and accessories she wanted to wear, her hair was washed; she was totally prepared. Her mission this year would be to make a friend. Not just any friend; Fiona Coyne. She was already friends with Eli again, but she really wanted to expand her circle and besides, Fiona had always been nice to her, even if she wasn't at first.
Of course, things never turned out well in the friend department. Fiona proved herself to be just as shallow as everyone else and not want to be her friend. It was the same, everyone was the same. But what shocked her was when Fiona apologized and even fell with Imogen and had gotten in trouble and fessed up. That she didn't expect and so began a new friendship for Imogen.
Only it was an intense friendship, something Imogen didn't expect. Fiona became her best friend and when Fiona basically pushed her into Eli's arms, it nearly broke Imogen's heart because she thought she finally found a best friend.
But she was wrong. Of course she was wrong, Fiona didn't want to deal with her so she threw her at Eli.
Eli.
As much as she liked Eli the year before, the feelings weren't the same anymore. She just couldn't bring herself to like him like she once did. After the mini house project was done and her and Fiona presented they talked and reaffirmed their status as best friends. It was then that Imogen knew she had to go along with Fiona's thought of bringing together her and Eli. It would make Fiona happy so she would do it.
And she did it. But things never have a way of working out for Imogen. The fantasy of being with Eli she had all of her junior year didn't play out this year. She was afraid and had to walk on egg shells and she tried her best but she failed and kept failing and in the end, her and Eli realized they were better off as friends.
But why was that exactly? Was it because they just didn't match up? It took some time but Imogen finally realized the biggest reason things didn't work out with Eli wasn't just because they weren't good for each other but also because Imogen didn't feel for him what she used to. Her feelings changed and she realized, with a little fear, that her romantic feelings were pointing at Fiona. A girl.
The night Imogen realized it she almost wanted to laugh. "Of course I would fall for a girl," she said to herself. It was a little confusing and she didn't know what that made her, but she didn't really care too much for labeling herself. She knew what she felt and that's all that really mattered.
The rest of the year went by as normal as it could, at least at school. Senior was definitely different, it was much better. However, at home, her father began talking to himself more than usual and seemingly having conversations.
Imogen questioned him once, "Dad, are you okay?" she asked from the couch, Volta's heavy head on her lap as she muted the TV.
"What do you mean, Immy?" he asked back, his eyes staring at her a little blankly from the table nearby.
"You're talking to yourself."
"Nonsense," he scoffed, "I'm just thinking out loud."
Imogen let the matter go.
The Frostival came and Fiona shocked her by giving her a chaste kiss and admitting her feelings before going off about her reasoning behind moving back to New York. Imogen didn't hear much of the reasoning, only focusing on the kiss she had gotten before she realized that Fiona felt the same way about her as she did about Fiona. It was a first for her that someone felt something for her the same way she did. She promptly cut off Fiona and kissed her back. She didn't know what she was, but she was happy and Fiona made her happy and that was all that mattered and when winter break was over, she joined Mo's band, Fiona came back and things got a little complicated because of the jerky hockey team. They taunted them and Fiona, bless her, reacted with assertiveness that Imogen just wasn't ready for. But they fixed their issues and in the end they were officially girlfriends and Imogen was so happy.
But happiness only lasts for so long.
Soon, the warning signs of her father's dormant schizophrenia began to show as he talked to himself more and more. At night, she'd cry, remembering when she was 15 that her father told her he had the disease and was diagnosed when he was 19. After about six years of therapy and many medications later, it suppressed and he was able to live a normal life, but he was warned by his psychiatrist that there was always a possibility it would resurface and sure enough, nearly two decades later, it started. Another warning of the doctor was that Imogen needed to watch for warning signs for herself. Seeing as how both of her parents had mental disorders, she was a likely to develop something at some point. So far, she hadn't and her therapist hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary yet.
There were nights his episodes would be bad enough that she would leave, taking Volta with her and would walk to Fiona's loft and stay over because she was afraid that her father may hurt her or her dog. One night she was over, Volta fast asleep at her feet as she sat on the couch, Fiona next to her, she said to her girlfriend, "I don't know what to do."
Fiona took a deep breath and looked at her girlfriend and tightened her lips. It broke her heart to see her like this and she wished beyond everything that she could do something to make her girlfriend feel better, to make her home life better. "Your dad didn't tell you anything? What to do if his schizophrenia ever came back?" Imogen looked up at Fiona, her eyes piercing and sad and so afraid, it told Fiona that he had told his daughter exactly what to do, but it was something she didn't want. It meant she would lost her father just as she lost her mother. "Im," Fiona whispered, taking Imogen's hand in her own.
Tears fell from Imogen's eyes as she took off her glasses with her other hand and wiped at the tears with her sleeve. "I know I have to," she choked out, "I just... He's my dad and... I'm gonna lose my dad," she got out just before covering her face with both hands and bawling her eyes out. Volta woke and rose and poked at her young master with her nose and whimpered. Imogen looked up for a moment before placing a shaky hand on her bloodhound. Fiona leaned forward and leaned against Imogen- who stuck her face into the crook of Fiona's neck- and wrapped her arms around her and tightened her grip.
Soon after, Fiona left the loft to get dinner for them, deciding on Chipotle. It was cheap, quick, and easy. Imogen having brought Volta there several times already, Fiona made sure to have dog food and dishes ready in case so that Volta could eat. When Fiona returned, Imogen ate maybe a quarter of her bowl before declaring she just wasn't hungry and decided to take a shower. Fiona watched Imogen walk toward the bathroom with a tired and weak stride; she didn't know what to do to help other than just be there for her. Volta walked next to Fiona, who rose from the couch with both bowls in hand, and sat at her feet and nearly leaned on her leg and let out a groan. Fiona looked down at the dog, who looked back up at her with those sad, droopy eyes and whimpered. "I know," Fiona said to the dog, "She's hurting and I don't think either of us know what to do."
That night, Fiona laid on her side, her back to Imogen while the younger girl laid on her back, eyes wide open, staring straight at the ceiling. She decided she needed to call her father's psychiatrist and the mental hospital and admit her father. She was about three months from being 18, she could have the legal power to admit him, or so the psychiatrist said. The only thing, she didn't know what would become of her. Sure, three months from being 18, but she didn't exactly have a place to stay because surely her aunt or uncle would take power of attorney and sell her father's property or something. She had no idea how any of that would work. Would she have to go live with them? Would that mean she'd miss out on graduation and have to repeat her senior year? And what about Fiona?
Fiona, she thought as she turned her head and saw the silhouette of her sleeping girlfriend, her heart swelling with warmth and for the first time that night she felt good, she felt happy. Slowly she turned on her side and placed a timid hand on the other girl's shoulder, "Fiona," she whispered, giving a gentle shake.
"Yeah?" Fiona replied, turning over.
"You weren't asleep?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Thinking about you."
Imogen smiled and almost wanted to cry again, this time because she felt so loved. After taking a breath, Imogen swallowed the lump in her throat, "I wanted to tell you something, well, ask you, actually."
"What is it?"
"I decided to admit my dad to the mental hospital," she said slowly, feeling Fiona tense up a bit, "I think it's for the best."
"Okay, do you need me to do anything?"
"I don't know what's going to happen exactly but I think my uncle or aunt has, like, power of attorney or something to make the decision on my house since I'm not 18 yet."
Fiona tensed up again, "What about you? Would you have to move in with them?"
Imogen's heart began to race, she needed to get the words out to ask the question she wants, but it was so hard. Why was she so nervous? Again, Imogen swallowed another lump and took a shallow breath, "I don't want to. I was," she paused, "I wanted to know if it was okay if I stayed with you?"
Fiona let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding and almost let out a laugh of relief, "Um, yes, of course," she said through a smile that Imogen could clearly see through the dark. Then she closed her lips remembering it was not a happy reason, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be all-"
"It's okay," Imogen interrupted, her own smiling appearing on her face, "I'm a little happy too. That you said yes."
"I wouldn't say no to you."
At those words, Imogen just melted. Her heart exploded, her mind exploded, everything exploded and she couldn't help the words that formed in her mouth, "I love you, Fiona." It was the first time Imogen had said those words to anyone who wasn't her father or her dog.
Fiona's heart skipped a beat and she froze in time, registering what she had just heard. Had she heard correctly? Yes, she had. It was hard to believe, no one other than her mother, Declan, and Holly J had said those words to her, but the way Imogen said them, they had a whole other meaning behind them. "I love you too, Imogen," she whispered.
Without a second thought, Imogen leaned forward, her hand snaking behind Fiona's neck, kissed Fiona passionately before pulling away, locking eyes with her. She apprehensively opened her mouth and breathed in, but no words came out as her eye brows crunched together. Slowly she leaned in, kissing Fiona again more slowly, but still with emotion.
Fiona caught on once she felt Imogen's hand at the hem of her shirt and pulled away, "Imogen, what are you-" She stopped when she saw the look in Imogen's eyes, a look so fierce and raw and powerful, she didn't look like herself and Fiona found it so sexy she couldn't finish her question instead muttering, "Are you sure?"
Imogen didn't say anything except kiss Fiona again. They had had plenty of heated make out sessions, talked about how far the other had gone- Imogen had never gone further than make out, whereas Fiona had, once- touched each other, but never below the waist until tonight. It was awkward, it was different but it was what it was; sex, making love, going all the way, Doing It. It wasn't the most perfect of circumstances- when is it ever perfect, really?- but they were together and that night, at that moment, the entire world was silent, there only them, and nothing hurt.
When they were done, they both laid on their backs, staring up at the ceiling, the blanket covering up to their chests. Their arms closest to the other laid over the blanket, their hands clasped, holding onto each other as if their breathing depended on it. Slowly their heart beats were going down and their breathing was returning to normal.
There were no words that either girl needed to say, they both knew how the other felt. Fiona was the first to fall asleep, still holding onto Imogen's hand. There were a lot of things Imogen needed to deal with in the morning, things that would make her grow up faster than she wanted to. She turned her head and looked at Fiona just as the older girl moved and turned her body to face her making Imogen smile. She knew she had to face the world, face what life was about to throw at her, but she knew as long as she had Fiona Coyne at her back, there was nothing she couldn't face. The road would be bumpy and she might fall, but she knew she would pick herself back up.
It wasn't long before Imogen fell into a peaceful sleep. A sleep which she hadn't had in a while, still holding onto her girlfriend's hand.
End Scene
Author's Note: Here it is, my little Imogen-centric fic. I wanted to get this out before her Plot A episode "Never Ever" because I really had this vision of Imogen and it looks like I may be wrong. I know it kind of seems shitty that someone would leave their schizophrenic parent alone when they were having an episode or whatever, but Imogen is a 17 year old girl and is probably afraid. I have no idea if Chipotle is even outside of California let alone in Canada but whatever, that's what came to my head.