AN: Check out my profile and join my Liason board, more fics to be posted there exclusively.

The Gift

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me

Jason followed his routine, the hell he made for himself. Daily he woke up, bypassing the mirror because he was afraid of the truth he'd see; the miserable man looking back, the coward he was scared to face. He showered quickly and dressed in his normal jeans and t-shirt, no reason for anything nicer. He spent the rest of the day working and figuring out other people's problems. The job, the danger, he hated those damn words. He resented waiting for shipments and following Sonny's order, it was those things that kept him from want he wanted most.

I'm so afraid of defeat
and I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

The night rolled around quick, the time of loneliness, when he thought of his loss the most. He went to Jake's bar and quickly ordered a beer to numb the reality of life, his life.

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

It was never long when he was alone that she entered his thoughts, the mother of his only child, the woman who completely owned his heart and soul. The woman he let down everyday. He kept telling himself it was the right thing, that they were safe and hopefully happy. But at the same time the thought of them happy without him was enough to order another beer, maybe something stronger next.

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of me

As he waited for Coleman to finish with another customer Jason's thoughts kept assaulting him, reminding him of all that had been good, all that he denied. He thought of the small moment he saw her at the hospital, she hadn't noticed as he hid in the shadows as she smiled talking to a patient, she was so damn beautiful it hurt. Her smile, her eyes, her perfectly smooth skin under his touch, there were what made up his dreams and nightmares.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

Emotion welled up deep inside his chest, threatening to show through his eyes.

"What else can I get ya?" Coleman arrested in front of him.

Jason, never a man of many words, tossed down enough money to cover his tab and walked away. Drowning his sorrows wouldn't be enough tonight. Need drove him forward, need forced him to make a move. The need to see her, touch her, the need to see his son grow up. It had to be possible, why could everyone else have their true loves and he couldn't? He questioned the whole drove to her home. Sonny was boss again and order was being restored, soon woman and children would be safe again. He didn't care if he was a target, that was his life and there was no way out. Jason didn't fear death but he feared never being with his family again, dying without ever hearing his son call him 'dad.'

The more he tried to convince himself his choice was right the more Jason realized he didn't need to convince himself of anything. They loved each other, he loved Elizabeth with everything he had and because of that they could make it work, they needed each other. He needed what only she could give him, the gift of her love.

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

He rushed up the porch steps and rang the doorbell. He grew anxious to see her, anxious to finally tell her what a fool he had been to push her away after so long.

His angel, the woman of his dreams opened the door. Her bright eyes registered shock. "Jason." She breathed and then worry settled in along her features. "What---?"

"We need to talk." He grabbed her hands and ushered her inside. "I can't stop thinking about you."

She smiled softly. "We can't do this and then tomorrow we have to be strangers again. Jason….I can't do it."

"I can't either. I don't want to leave tomorrow or any other day." He racked his brain trying to find those perfect words to explain the racing in his heart, for her to understand just exactly what she meant. "I wake up every day and go to bed every night thinking about you and the boys. I need you."

Tears stung her eyes, the glossy tears seen in the low light they stood in. She didn't know what to say, she was scared of him running away again and he couldn't blame her. He blamed himself for hurting her, making her question the gift they had between them.

With her petite hands still rested inside of his Jason pulled her closer, locking his arms around her waist. He planned to never let go ever again.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything

As she looked up into his eyes he saw all the answers he needed, he saw the brightness of her love aimed solely at him. Jason had the woman he loved in his arms, nothing mattered after that.

-

Isabelle A.

Song: The Gift by Seether.