A/N: I really need to pick up my standard. My last few one-shots were TERRIBLE.
I'm falling back on something I know well: character insanity and angst. And it comes with satirical humour! Whoohoo! Hope you enjoy.
Inspired by 'Galactic Smash' and 'Shrek the Musical'.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Beat
"You don't have a heart, do you?"
His chubby fingers tapped the console with impatience. The bitten fingernails made tiny scraping noises against the metal. He was getting really sick of that voice...
It danced closer, becoming louder. "You've lost your mind, too," it declared in a hissing murmur.
The Commodore grumbled to himself, swivelling in his chair and turning his back on the voice.
But it only followed persistently, trotting onwards. "You don't care about the planets you annihilate, do you?" it asked.
He rolled his eyes. Didn't the voice know that already? Should have gotten used to it by now. The 'pity and empathy' speech didn't have any real effect.
"I should have guessed." For a moment the words darted in front of his face, leaving his head spinning. "You're just a round blob of greenish fat with fingers. And your hat's stupid."
The Commodore cringed, and at that moment his screen flickered with light. A message from Maurice. Not again...
There was no audio, the Commodore discovered. Maurice's line was damaged, so he could only communicate via video and text. He was about to chuckle at that, but then realised that his speaking would not get through. The Commodore would be obliged to type... Shudder-worthy. He reluctantly pulled out his clunky, out-dated typing keyboard. It had gel keys, specially made to fit his uniquely-shaped hands.
"They're fat, they're fat, they're fat, they're fat!"
The Commodore bent his head and began to type.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
The teal-coloured alien on the screen smiled and blinked its single eye. Yellow words began to run across the bottom of the screen. Maurice had a touch-and-think keyboard. You needed an Astral Mage to operate it. The Commodore clenched his yellowed teeth.
Maurice had a bloody Astral Mage!
To do his typing!
GLOATING, came the reply. DUH. I JST PWNED 1/2 TEH ZETA SYSTM. LULZ. 200000 POINTZ!!1!11!! GONNA KEEP GOIN TIL ITS GONE, TOO. GIMME 5 MIN! LULZ!
The Commodore felt his head bulge, his hat becoming tighter. UR A MORON, was all he typed. He couldn't come up with anything better, sadly.
& UR A 2ND RATE PLAYER. U SUCK AT DIS. NOT EVEN FINISHD DA OMEGA SYSTM YET. LOL!!!
Something in the Commodore's brain snapped (probably a major vein) and he slammed his fist onto the keyboard. The purple gel rippled out violently, spears of white riding the cresting waves, and on Maurice's screen appeared the words LLO;JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ JJ][';JJJJJKMNJJJJJ.L.
Maurice's Mage was quick to give a one-worded reply. ROFL.
And the screen went black.
The impish voice wasted no time in returning. And it was greatly amused by this exchange of glowing pixels. "I think I have to agree with your nemesis. Roffle."
He summoned his most frightening glare for the owner of the voice, who just laughed and danced to another section of the console. She walked confidently across the metal surface, even jumping from button to button and swinging around the joystick as if it was a streetlamp pole.
The tiny imp turned her head to look at him, green eyes sparkling. "You never should have entered the game, Commodore. Maurice is too good for you. You'll never win.
"And I swear, you will pay for destroying Arcadia!"
The warrior girl brandished her blue whip, and it struck his hand. The jolt of electricity zoomed up his left index finger. The Commodore yelped and inspected it for a few moments, and when he looked up the girl was gone.
He stared for a while at where the imp had stood, which was the top left corner of his keyboard. On top of the key marked 'Esc', to be exact. The Commodore tilted his hat and thought hard.
Hmm. Esc sounded pretty good right about now.