SCHOOL REUNION
You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on, alone. That's the curse of the Time Lords.
It wasn't though, he was starting to realize. It was his curse, only his. Even when the Time Lords thrived, it was still only his curse. He brought it upon himself. The Time Lords always stayed on Gallifrey, maybe pop away for brief visits. But they primarily sat upon their cloud, looking down to the worlds of the Universe, never interfering, never touching, never living.
Yet they were alive for centuries. They surrounded themselves with their own kind. Never aging, rarely dying, going centuries with the same face, even longer before they disappeared completely. Death wasn't a common occurrence. They didn't really understand loss or the emotions that went with it. When a parent lived for fifteen hundred years or more, it was much easier to let go. They had had a very, very long life. Acceptance came much quicker.
But humans?
The people the Doctor always surrounded himself with lived for under a century, childhood for the Time Lords. There were other alien races he could choose to be around, ones that looked relatively humanoid and lived much longer. So why did he keep choosing humans? Why did he hang around Earth? Why did he constantly throw himself towards the race that would leave him far too soon? What was it about humans?
His brain found the answer surprisingly quickly. He envied them.He envied their single life and their aging. They knew that life wasn't forever and they made the most of that.
He had tried. He had stolen a TARDIS and ran away. He wanted to see the universe and interact with it. But more than that, he wanted the adventure and the danger. He craved the adrenaline and the near-death experiences. He wanted to know what it was like to stare death in the face and walk away, hoping it would help him to appreciate his long life, but it didn't.
Of course, that feeling came later. At first he started off doing what all Time Lords did, watching. He had Susan, and they lived among the humans. He didn't realize until later, but he had gotten a thrill simply from hiding in plain sight. It was a certain kind of rush, living amongst the humans but not being one of them. He had always liked secrets and this one was the ultimate. Then Susan had attracted Barbara and Ian, and after that, he almost never traveled alone.
Eventually they left and so did Susan. That was when he began to crave the danger. He needed it to feel alive, and no one he met could be more important than that rush.
Until Rose.
Just thinking her name made him feel like he was drowning. He stepped back from the console and leaned against a railing. Taking a deep breath, he relished the feeling as thoughts of his pink and yellow girl consumed him. From the moment he met her, he knew that there was something about her. Every time he grabbed her hand, every time they hugged, he could feel himself get closer, his feelings went deeper. It absolutely terrified him.
She was the ultimate adrenaline rush. This was it, what he had been looking for, the reason he ran. He wanted to appreciate his life and how long it was, and now he did. The longer he lived, the more time he had to be with her and love her and be loved by her. He wanted nothing more than to spend his remaining centuries with Rose Tyler, the woman he loved.
But he couldn't.
Because she was human. She would decay and wither and die, and all in the blink of an eye when compared to him. He would do anything, give anything for her forever to match his. Another sixty years wasn't even close to an acceptable amount of time to be with her. It would never be enough time to prove himself to her, to make himself worthy.
He flipped a lever and twisted a few knobs at the TARDIS console. Rose's face held its place steady within his mind's eye. Once he started thinking of her, it was beyond difficult to stop. More often than not, he would need an adventure to distract him. He lingered on her expression, the pain etched onto her face when she thought he would just leave her one day. It cut him deeper than she could realize. Didn't she know? Didn't she understand?
But how could she? He had never really taken the time to show her how he felt. He got it stuck in his head that she deserved better. He was a battered, guilt-ridden old man. He was a different species! But the hurt look on her face held fast, and suddenly he didn't care. If she wanted him as much as he wanted her, then all of his thoughts about his worthiness, or lack thereof, could go to hell.
He left the console room in search of her. Yes, her life was short, and, sooner than he liked, she'd be gone. But keeping his feelings to himself wouldn't make it hurt any less when she left him.
She was in her room. He rested his hand on the door handle for a moment before determination flooded him and he walked in without knocking. She was sitting on her bed reading a magazine and seemed to be unaware that the Doctor had come in. He felt his resolve strengthen as he noticed how beautiful she was. She was clad in a pair of pink pajama bottoms and a grey tank top. Her hair was too short to fit into a ponytail, so it fell over her face, her brows furrowed with focus. She moved her hand and attempted to tuck a few strands behind her ear. The far corner of her lip was caught between her teeth as she read with furious concentration. He clicked the door shut loud enough to break that focus.
Her head snapped up and her eyes immediately met his. "Doctor?" she questioned.
Without a word, he moved to her slowly before sitting in front of her. One leg dangled over the edge of the bed, preparing for a quick escape just in case she rejected him, a thought that he hadn't dared entertain until just now. Rose was waiting for him to speak. She edged closer to him in an attempt to urge him to begin the conversation. When he remained silent, she spoke.
"Doctor, what's-?"
Before she could say another word, he acted. In one swift move, one hand was on her thigh, the other cradled her head, and his lips were on hers. They were soft and smooth. The kiss itself was gentle, but the fire behind it was anything but. All his thoughts and doubts dissolved and all that remained was the thrill he got from finally kissing Rose Tyler. When they parted, he finally spoke.
"Rose? You said," he was breathing heavily. "The other day, you said that you thought you and I were-"
"Yeah?" she interrupted.
He leaned in and rested his forehead on hers. Her deep breath was hot on his face and it made him crave her contact again, but not yet. He had to say it first.
"We are," he said strongly. "Whatever happens, whatever I say, anything that might make you think differently, I promise you. We. Are."
She nodded shortly before taking her own initiative and kissing him again.