The light was so bright. The boy who witnessed it couldn't tell where he was, what the light was and where it was coming from. And he couldn't tell who was saying his name.
'PHILLIP! PHILLIP ARE YOU THERE?' a voice cried in desperation. 'PIP IT'S ME! JUST ANSWER ME! PLEASE!'
A boy named Phillip had just passed away. Well you wouldn't really call being squashed by a giant Barbra Streisand 'passing away'.
'Hello? Who is calling me? It is I Pip' - You are being judged my child, now please sit back relax and enjoy the free snack table beside the water softener-
'Oh but I cannot see' –Oh sorry my bad dude-
The boy saw the light retreat and could see again. He was in some form of waiting room with a long table and lots of chairs surrounding it. On every other chair was a person on it.
'Why these chaps are quite peculiar, perhaps I'll stand' Pip said, -nonsense dear one sit down and wait for you're turn to be called' Pip turned to where the voice was coming from. It was a bald man, wearing a toga and was holding and speaking into a microphone.
'Oh but do tell me kind sir where am I?' -You're in the waiting room to get into heaven my child- the man said speaking into his microphone.
'Oh my! Like the one the Bible speaks of?' asked Pip in an excited manor. –Well yes and no you see dear one heaven is reserved for Mormons only-
'Oh dear but, why am I here as I am a Catholic?' -Ah well there's a special role in heaven that only special people may fill and well that's why you are here dear Phillip- said the toga wearing man into his microphone.
'Oh really what is this job? And if it is for me why am I waiting to get into heaven?' –Well you and all the following have been killed for a special role or as you say a job. This job is to be Our Lords personal assistant! You will be his link between all those on earth. You will also-
'Excuse me dear fellow but why am I being chosen for God's personal assistant? Doesn't he have plenty of Mormons to do his work for him?' Pip enquired. The man sighed. -Look kid I've got to be Frank with you. The Mormons… Each one is a pussy dude.
God can't get them do anything that will break their precious fingernails. God needed someone with true guts. And seeing how you put up with those 4th graders… Wow that's the type of guts God needs for this job-
Pip felt honoured at the chance to please God, even though he had made his life hell. Hopefully doing this for him will make it all better.
He sat down at the long table after taking some tea from the snack table and cookies to accompany it. To his right was a man with shoulder length greasy black hair and bulging muscles who was reading a playboy or another equally naughty magazine.
To his left was a late teenage girl who had a very spotty face and a black eye. Nothing stood out about her except when Pip said hello to the girl she touched is tea with her hands and it turned to blood.
'Oh well thank you for doing that but I'm afraid that is a somewhat acquired taste.' The girl turned her head to face him and grabbed he teacup and drank it in a single gulp.
Pip just stared at the girl, no idea whether to comment on her strange habits. He decided he'd better not.
A voice called for Pip. Pip expected it to be the man wearing a toga but it was a different man… Also wearing a toga. He wasn't bald but very young, and fairly good looking with some small stubble on his chin.
'You are Pip I take it?' The man said smiling a genuine smile. Pip loved smiles. He rarely saw a genuine smile back on earth. Or where is once was. Or still is. To be quite honest Pip still didn't really know where he was.
'Just follow me son.' Pip hopped of his chair and followed the man. He didn't turn around to say goodbye to the people behind him he usually would, but they all seemed to be grateful of his leave.
'Through here', the man waved his hand and a huge golden double door appeared out of nowhere. It was well over three times as big as the Blonde, and was covered in beautiful designs.
Pip could have sworn that these patterns were moving.
They were silver and gold angels with harps, trumpets and violins. All of every age and had beautiful wings just like the ones in famous paintings. They had white luminous feathers that reflected the gold and silver perfectly.
Pip's mouth was open in awe and wasn't aware he had muttered to himself. 'Oh my' 'Pardon?' 'Oh- err, nothing I was just admired the door. Were are we going again dear chap?'
'Oh my fine fellow. To see God! You will be tested to see if you are worthy of his messenger, his right-hand-man.' The man said looking at Pip.
'But if Mormons can't be this … messenger why couldn't Jesus sir?' Pip enquired. 'Well The Lord is busy right now as his TV show is in the middle of it's run. But when he is finished he will return to his father and you will no longer be needed.'
'Oh… So this job is only a part time role.' Pip said sadly. He was starting to want this job. He owed God so much… For some reason, given God has done nothing for him!
'Oh but if you do a good job he might conceder letting you into heaven. He has let the rare non-Mormon through.' The man said.
'Oh really? Pip asked, his heart racing. He could only dream of entering heaven, and if he did the job well. He would be resting in heaven whilst all of the people who hated him were in hell.
'Yes, now just stand back a bit.' The man moved to the centre of the door and Pip did as commanded. He pushed both door back so they could open and sure enough they did.
And Pip could see all the designs and angels fly off the door and surrounded Pip until all he could see was a white light.
'PIP? PHILLIP COME ON YOU HAVE GOT HE HEAR ME! PLEASE ANSWER ME!'
'Huh?' Pip said. He opened his eyes. He was flat on his back and lying on something… comfortable. He sat up and looked at where he was sitting. The first thing he realised was that the skins on his hands were lighter.
He was a pale enough boy but had very red hands and very red cheeks. His hands were no longer red when he sat up and looked at them.
He pushed up his sleeves to his elbows to check his arms. All his freckles were gone. Every one. He then realised that his clothes had changed. Before he was wearing a bright red jacket and a long sleeved shirt with a 234 bow tie.
He had long shorts, which were very faded and dirty, along long white socks and 234 shoes.
He was now wearing just a plain grey cotton shirt, a simpler grey jacket and a pair of similar long shorts to the ones he had been wearing previously.
In fact, all these new clothes were identical to the way he would have dressed if he were alive. The clothes were a bright colour of grey. Not dark and dull, but simple and quaint.
Pip would normally add large knee length socks and an overly sized bow tie, but here he had neither.
He noticed no blonde fringe in his eyes. Which could only mean he wasn't wearing his regular hat. Reaching up and feeling his head only confirmed this.
He also had no shoes on, but rather strangely didn't feel any coldness in his feet.
Pip thought as to why he didn't notice his change of wardrobe earlier when he woke up. He stood up in his bare feet and realised that he was in a palace, a palace in heaven.
There were so many people. The place had no walls but had never ending gold carpets and pillars; it was bigger than any place Pip had ever seen in his life. It was no walls just had a sky as it's ceiling, it looked like every beautiful sunset Pip had seen rolled into one.
He looked up and saw children with white wings that moved like waving cloth. They were chasing each other and laughing and crying with delight.
Pip wished to be as happy as those children seemed to be.
He heard a choir of voices and music of an orchestra. With cellos, trumpets, harps, drums every instrument he could think of he heard. Even some made a sound not known to human ears.
Pure bliss.
Pip's smile was so full of joy he couldn't explain it. He was so happy; he didn't want to leave here. It was just so perfect. He thought about how God wanted him to do a job and if it meant he would get to live here he would do it.
He would do ANYTHING to live here.
Anything.
'PIP? PIP DON'T DO THIS PIP YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW!'
'Huh? Who-who is speaking?' Pip asked he voice turning his body to find the voice. The voice was different that heaven and all it's happiness contempt. It was pleading. Pleading to Pip, it needed Pip. What? He didn't know.
'It is I little Pip, you made it here in once piece I seem' said a different voice. The young man from earlier. He had changed considerably. He stood taller and shoulders back.
His hair was groomed to perfection and his face was shaved with no sign of stubble. But the biggest difference of all was the fact there was two wings spouting from the top of his back.
Pip stared at these for about a second. He hated it when people stared at him, and didn't want this man to feel the same hatred for him.
'You are an angel sir?' 'Yes Pip I see you like it's features' He glanced at his wings.
They were large and folded, as you would see in statues Pip saw in church. They were very real. He couldn't believe they were really there. Everything else seemed too unnatural to Pip, but they were as real as he was.
'Oh yes they are splendid! Quite extraordinary' The man chuckled slightly, 'Come on now lad lets take to you're test' He held out his arm so that Pip could hold on to him.
Pip rather reluctantly held on to him. He didn't know what they were doing or if he wanted to see God just yet. He was nervous and was worried about disappointing God.
'What is going to happen old chap?' 'I'm afraid I can not tell you Pip you must decide what is your answer on your own with no help from others.'
'But, couldn't you at least tell me where I'm going to-'Come' His wings unfolded suddenly and started to flap. Just after landing off the ground, Pip rapped his arms and legs around the man as he feared for his life.
'Oh Pip look where you are! There is no need to be afraid just link my arm and we will be there in no time' Pip calmed down when he thought about it. He was dead!
He couldn't die again.
And God wouldn't let him fall, as he needed him for a job, or at least to see if he is suitable for the job.
Pip let go of clinging to the man and linked his arm like he said. When he flew, he felt like that one Christmas movie with the kid and the snowman.
Pip felt silly for being nervous, as he had seen God before and knew what he looked like.
But even so… He couldn't help the sickness feeling in his stomach.
They flew through various clouds and gold roman style buildings, until they reached their destination. They arrived at another door. Identical to the one Pip went through earlier except; this door was bigger than the Empire State Building.
Pip had never seen the Empire State Buildings but from what his teacher had taught, it was bigger than George Clooney and Tiger Woods dicks put together in one massive orgy.
'PIP DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR' 'You can go in now just open the door' 'PIP I'M SERIOUS DON'T DO IT YOU'LL REGRET IT'
Pip heard the voice again. Angrier then he had ever heard it. Before it was anger and helplessness. Now the voice was out to scare into getting what it wanted. Shivers ran down his spine and his heart was pounding to match his sweaty palms.
Pip looked down his bare feet. He mumbled to himself. More to the voice he was hearing.
'I'm doing this. I want to please God. I'm doing this. For God'
'No… Pip…'
'Thank you for taking me here kind sir, I hope to see you soon as Gods personal assistant' Pip said. Trying to hide the wobbliness of his voice. He was so used to covering up his emotions and put on a smiling face, that it was now second nature to him.
The man looked on Pip with some concern. The boy seemed to be talking to himself, or rather someone who wasn't there.
'All right then on you go. And good luck Pip.' He beckoned him inside and Pip once again pushed open the door and it parted just as easily as before. The craved deigns on gold and silver flew off its frame and smother Pip in the same pleasant way as before.
He found himself not however greeted by the same light as before, a room greeted him. It was his classroom or at least highly resembled his classroom.
Each desk was there. He could remember exactly where every boy and every girl sat. He always sat at the front. He found it quite uneasy sitting there as he felt each of his classmates were staring at him and mocking him. He knew they were.
The wall had the same posters of multiplication and division, sharing is caring and lots of others he recalled spotting in his personal hellhole.
He saw the blackboard and the teacher desk. The same as before no changes there…
So why did Pip feel like something was missing or different?
When he thought his only two answers were that there were no children in the room, also he was used to seeing the classroom from his desk.
He decided to test both theories and walked over to sit down at his usual spot. Once he sat down he heard a school bell start to ring. He looked up at the bell that was in the classroom but yet he saw no movement in said bell.
He heard voices coming from the hallway. It was the voices you would hear if you came into the school at recess and hear the chatter of pupils in the hallway.
The then heard voices coming from the seats behind him. He heard squeals and giggles from the chairs of the girls and shouts and arguments from the boys. He was the only person in the room as he couldn't see a single other soul. Yet heard the voices of those who tormented him.
'All right children lets take our seats' Pip wasn't insane. So why was he hearing his homosexual teacher? 'Now before we start today's lesson who took a huge dump in the back seat of my car?'
Pip was astounded, it sounded exactly like him. No mistake that either Mr Garrison was hiding somewhere or there was some recorder device. 'Oh um Mr Garrison I saw Pip take a shit in a red car. He really seemed to enjoy it too sir.'
Cartman? That was Cartmans voice. No person could copy Cartmans voice (well except that one guy…) 'PIP DID YOU DO THIS! I KNEW IT YOU STUPID FRENCH PUSSY YOU CAN GO STRIAGHT TO THE PRINCIPAL THIS INSTANT!'
'But sir I-' 'NOW' Pip felt his heart sped up. His eyes fill with water and his nose start to run.
A pain spread across his back into his chest, tightening him up. His heart feeling squished into a small pulp.
He knew this pain. Greeted it as an unwelcomed friend. He experienced this pain every day of his life, and now his after life. 'Oh Pip please let the pain leave you, tell it… Tell it to go!'
'G-g-GO!' Pip suddenly felt the pain escape; it was as if his body was a small dark room, and suddenly a door opened to let light shine in. He felt all the pain rush to his upper back and leave him.
His lips formed a smile and found it impossible to describe the feeling. The feeling of bliss, just like back in heaven, no troubles only bliss. 'Pip I congratulate you personally, you have passed the test.'
Pip turned and found God standing in front of his school desk and smiling at Pip. He
Even though he respected and loved God he really didn't like how he looked. I mean if you saw God you would know.
'Huh? That was it? No big dramatic Michael Bay scene with guns and flashing lights and a huge budget?' 'No dear Pip because I don't want a huge dramatic test that only a huge over rated over paid Hollywood movie start could pass. I wanted a test that you would personally struggle with, that you could over come on a regular basis. I wanted to see if you could cope with this torment every day, as if you take this job that is its risks.'
'Well um Sir God, I always go through that what makes me stand out from all the other people you've tested for this job' 'Simple. No of them had to deal with Eric Cartman'
'Oh, well that makes sense.'
'So are you ready Pip' 'Oh ready as I'll ever be Sir, but um what does this job mean really. What will I be doing' 'All of Jesus jobs, everything I couldn't do.' 'Right but, what does that involve?'
'Oh! Well um attending parties at the Vatican once in a while… Healing people in Lourdes… sending messages to and from hell'
'What?' 'What?' 'What did you just say?'
'I didn't say anything.' 'But I heard you, you said something about hell.'
'No I didn't.' 'Yes you did' 'Would I lie to you?' '… No' 'So that's good then will you take the job?'
'… But what did you just say?' 'Oh it was nothing-just I needed to buy milk from the store later- will you take the job?' 'Sure…'
'Great! I'll just get the papers!' With that God snapped his weirdly shaped fingers, and the room disappeared which resulted in Pip falling out of his chair on to solid ground.
They were in the same waiting room with the long business-y looking table and the snack table by the water softener. The only difference was that there were no people on any of the chairs and no man dressed in a toga talking into a microphone.
When Pip was examining the changes God appeared out of nowhere and carried with him a huge bundle of papers. 'Just sign of these pages'
- I can't believe it. I just can't- Pip thought to himself. –OH BOY! This is going to be pure splendid I just know it! -
'If only you knew what you just agreed to my friend. I'll see you soon, and remember that I warned you not to do this.'
'All right we're done! Congratulations Pip now you are my personal assistant Bob here will show you where you will stay and tomorrow your work will begin'
-I don't know if that's a good or bad thing-
THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING!
So I am in an exam year and I haven't studied… Like at all so I probably won't update soon. BUT! I will update because I really like this story. I do have another story I'm in the process of writing so it'll be while.
If you enjoyed this story please review