Chapter 1 – Monster

I take a deep breath, before entering my apartment. I know what awaits me behind that door, and I'm trying to stall the moment. I know that as soon as I enter, my so called "friend" will lock me up again. And I can't do anything about it… This all started about 3 months ago…

I met this nice guy, Wayne, at a bar on Saturday night. I finally had the night off, therefore Jess and I decided we could have a girls night out. We went to a bar near the lab. I'd never been there before, but Jess swore it was great. And she was right. As soon as we entered I felt my muscles relax. After a couple of weeks of running around and chasing suspects, I needed this. Jess found us a small table at the back and ordered us a drink. After a couple of drinks our work related topic switched to a more personal topic, men. Jess knows about my bad choice in men, and she wanted to help. Said she would personally kick Mac's ass if he wouldn't open his eyes and see what was right in front of him for the past 8 years. Her words, not mine. I immediately went into defense mode and told her Mac wasn't in love with me and, no matter how hard she kicked, it would never happen. Of course that didn't explain my views on the matter. How did I feel? Thank god she didn't push. Instead she decided to switch plans. She wouldn't make Mac admit how he felt, but she would find me another guy. I know it's meant as a sweet gesture but I'm not looking for a guy in my life right now. No one except for Mac. Of course I didn't tell Jess that. No one should ever know. Especially Mac. If he finds out, I'm screwed. But on the other hand, Jess didn't know, so she would keep checking out guys for me. Finally she had her mind set on a tall, dark haired man. Possibly in his early forties. She asked him over to our booth and as soon as he pulled up a chair, she eloquently excused herself to the restroom. Leaving me with an unknown male. We started a conversation and I found out he was actually very nice. He told me his name was Wayne and he had just moved to New York with a friend of his. They were from Chicago. He just broke up with his girlfriend and he wasn't looking for any long-term relationships. I told him that neither was I, so we just had fun. After an hour Jess and I decided that it was time to go home. We had to be in by 8 the next morning. We said our goodbyes to Wayne and left the bar. As we were waiting for a cap to take us back to our apartments Jess couldn't let the change pass by, without asking me what I thought of him. I just told her that he wasn't really my type. I still had my mind set on Mac. A random guy from a local bar wasn't gonna change that.

But then Wayne called me a couple of days later. He wanted to meet me again, said he had a problem and since I was with the NYPD I might be able to help him. I never expected him to turn out like a maniac, he seemed like a nice guy, so I agreed. We met again for breakfast at a small diner close to the lab and he told me about his friend, who did something stupid and now the police thought Wayne was the one who did it. He wanted to tell them that he didn't do it, but on the other hand he didn't want to turn his friend in. He was afraid that his friend would come after him when he was free again. So he kept his mouth shut. I didn't know how to respond. I asked him what his friend did, but he wouldn't tell. He didn't give me a name either and I decided not to push him, if he wasn't gonna give me the whole story, I couldn't help him, so I just said goodbye and we both left.

However, when I got home, I saw that I had made a big mistake by letting myself fall into his trap of meeting him in the first place. My whole apartment was a mess. Drawers were ripped open, papers covered the floor of the entire apartment, chairs were turned over, pillows were ripped open and I also noticed that my knives, which I usually keep in a safe place and use only as cooking utensils, were now scattered everywhere in the apartment. Clearly someone was looking for something. And in the middle of the mess, stood Wayne. Apparently he found out where I lived. I guess at the diner, maybe when I went to the restroom or when I grabbed my purse that he saw an address or something. But that didn't explain how he got in; the lock wasn't forced open and the door wasn't kicked in. Maybe a neighbor let him in, but why? Or maybe he got in through one of the windows? Still questions, I need answers. While I was pondering about the possible entrance, Wayne moved closer and pointed one of my own knives at me. He told me to drop my bag and sit on the couch. Then he explained his intensions to me. That may not sound very smart or well organized, but it was frightening for me and it worked. He also told me that I couldn't tell anybody, or he would kill the one person that meant everything to me. Mac.

Turned out, Wayne had been observing the lab for quite a while now and he noticed how close Mac and I were. After he was done, explaining what he wanted, he grabbed me by my arms and dragged me to my bedroom. At that moment I thought he was going to rape me. A lot of victims we find at a crime scene, who are killed in the bedroom, were usually raped first. So it was only natural for me to think this. But instead, he threw me on my bed, quickly cuffed my wrist to the headboard, and left. I heard him cleaning up my apartment and I was wondering why he made the mess in the first place. Was he looking for something? What could I possibly have in my apartment that was worth this? After a couple of hours I finally fell asleep. But soon, I was rudely awakened by Wayne. He told me it was time for my shot.

I have been a diabetic for as long as I could remember. From my days at St. Basil's or in foster care I had lived with the disease. I was often reminded that parents wouldn't want a sick child in their care, and the few that did adopt me, they didn't care about me. They treated me just like the other kids, which means like crap, and often forgot the shots. But even after this, I never really had any problems. I learned, after all those years, how to keep it under control. So I really didn't need the shot he was offering me now, I just needed some food. And that was exactly what I told him. But of course he didn't listen. I wasn't expecting him to. Though I did expect him to be a little more gentle when giving the shot. I mean, he just poked me with the needle and pushed the liquid inside. It only took him a few seconds, and then he left the room again. Without saying a single word. I had no idea what was going on, and how I was gonna get out of this situation. I don't remember falling asleep again, but I do remember being awakened by Wayne again. He came into the room again and told me to get ready for work. Now I was really confused. He locks me up for the night, but the next morning he lets me go to work. He must have sensed my ulterior motives, about going to work, because he was quick to explain his rules again. If I warned or told anybody about what had happened last night, Mac and I would die a slow and painful death. Now that was something I wouldn't risk. He also told me he had a few snipers outside the lab, an accomplice inside the lab and some people shadowing me if I was to leave the building for a 'fresh' crime scene, so that he would know it if I tried to pull something off. He thought of everything, and I was sure I wasn't going to get away from him. He gave me another insulin shot before I left and I felt dizzy already. I was just not used to so much insulin inside my body. Especially if I didn't need it. My blood level was completely normal, so the shot was unnecessary.

This ritual repeated itself from then on. Every day, when I got home from work, Wayne would be waiting at my apartment with his ritual. There were times that I just wanted it all to end by telling someone, but then I thought about what would happen if I said anything, I immediately pushed that thought out of my head. I just couldn't lose Mac.

The last couple of months we've become very close. Even closer than we were before. In the past, we would go out to lunch during our breaks at the lab. Or we would have a late diner if we both had a long day. But since Reed lives with Mac, we've been seeing each other more frequently outside of work. And I'm not complaining.

I usually go over to his place when we both have the weekend off. We just hang out together and do something fun with Reed. I can't believe Reed is turning 5 this January. It seems like yesterday, when Mac adopted him. He was only three, and his foster parents left him on a bench in the park. If Mac hadn't decided he would take a walk home from the lab that day and walked by, who would have saved the boy? When Mac walked by he found it strange to see a little boy sitting all alone in central park. Nowhere near a playground. So he stopped and asked where his parents were. I don't really know what happened after that, but it was something along the lines of Mac saying "I just couldn't leave him" and so he adopted him. That took a lot of time and paperwork, since Mac is single and has a job that takes away a lot of his time. But he made it work.

Mac absolutely loves Reed. And so do I. When we hang out together, we look just like a small family. Reed calls Mac his daddy, and I know that he sees me as a mother figure, so I try to be there for him when he needs me. Always.

I still clearly remember last summer. We went to the park together on a Saturday. Just the three of us. Now, Mac is very protective, so he wants Reed to hold his hand every time we go outside to a place where are a lot of people, but this time, as soon as we left the apartment Reed grabbed my hand. I felt so proud. And then, when we arrived at the playground, and Reed wanted to go on the swing, he asked me to push him. I noticed the look on Mac's face as Reed started to pull me toward the swings and explained what he wanted me to do. He was smiling. Like a father who was watching his family playing.

And two weeks ago, Mac brought Reed to the lab with him. That little boy absolutely loves it there. Of course Mac has told him, a thousand times, that he shouldn't run around in the lab, but as soon as he saw me in my office he raced towards me. He proceeded to climb on my lap and started telling me what he did the week before. And that's how Mac found him ten minutes later. Reed was still talking, and I nodded at Mac that it was okay. He seemed to understand that I would bring him to his office when he was ready, and that I was gonna make sure that he wasn't going to run off on his own. When Reed finished telling about school, he wanted to take another tour in the lab. He has made that round a million times, but I really don't mind. So I took his hand and guided him through the lab once more. When we passed Mac's office I saw that the person in question was on the phone, and his facial expression spoke for itself. I figured it wasn't such a good idea to let Reed in to his office now, so we ended our tour in my own office. I usually keep some crayons and a coloring book around for him, so has something to do when he's at the lab, so I seated him at the coffee table in the corner of my office. That way I could finish my paperwork and keep an eye on him. After a while he tugged at my sleeve and showed me what he had made. It was a picture of Mac, himself and me. And above our heads was a big, red blob. Reed explained, with the most serious expression a four year old can have, that the blob was a heart. Because we love each other, he told me. I must admit, my eyes watered when he said that. I pulled him into a big hug and kissed the top of his head. Of course I love him. And he knows it…

Yesterday Reed wanted to visit the lab again. Of course Mac just couldn't say no to him. No one seems to be able to do that. He just looks at you with these sad, big, brown eyes, and you can't refuse him anything. So Mac brought him with him to work.

Reed was supposed to be in Mac's office all day, but Sinclair needed Mac for a press conference. Reed can't stay alone in his office, so I offered to watch him. I don't mind, and I don't think he does. But instead of moving all Reed's stuff to my office, I moved to Mac's. I had to finish some paperwork and it doesn't matter where I do that. So this way Reed could finish his letter to Santa he was writing. It's only a couple of days till Christmas, so he was really excited. When he finished he let me read it so I could correct some grammar mistakes. But I was shocked to read his wishes. Well, some were expected. Like toys or books. But he also wanted to be a big brother. That will be a disappointment. I know Mac isn't seeing anyone and when he will, they wouldn't want kids right away. I also don't think Mac will adopt another kid. He had a hard time adopting Reed as a single parent. So I asked Reed about his wish. And he told me very sweetly that his mommy and daddy should have a baby. That just broke my heart. How he told me that his mommy was very sweet and that he loves her very much.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be a good mother. I would love to have children of my own, but with my job, I don't know if it will happen. And of course there is the 'guy' issue. I'm single, so having a baby is not going to happen any time soon. Of course I could adopt. I know how the system works and I want to help those children, but that still doesn't take away the fact that I'm single and have a hard job. That combination is just not gonna work. I should let it go. But on the other hand, Mac seems able to handle it, so why can't I…

Sigh…

X

As I open the front door of my apartment it is quiet. I'm not used to that. Normally when I come home from work, I will hear Reed talking or playing with my mom. She offered to watch him while I'm at work, but today I sorta gave her the day off. Reed will be staying with his friend.

I adopted Reed almost two years ago. I was walking home from work and decided to take the long way, through central park. I had just finished a heated argument with Gerrard and needed to cool off. As I made my way through the park I noticed a small boy sitting all alone on a bench. I approached him carefully and asked where his parents were. He looked up at me and told me that he didn't know. He was told to sit on the bench and wait for them. I asked if I could wait with him. He accepted my offer with a small smile. When I sat down he started talking to me. He told me his name and explained that his parents weren't his 'real' parents. He was adopted, because his real parents died in a car crash. It broke my heart to hear him talk about it so openly. And I also immediately thought of Stella. She had been an orphan as well. Did her adoptive parents made her wait on a bench, outside, in central park once as well. Probably not, but did they treat her right? I had never really given it much thought. I mean, I know about those kids, and I feel sorry for them, but I never really took a moment to think about it. I should talk to Stella some time. Get her to open up to me. Ask her to tell me some more about her childhood. Because, that's what she always tells me. To open up more. I shifted my attention back to Reed. He was looking at me with sad, hazel brown eyes. I asked him how long he has been waiting already. He sayd he didn't know how to tell time and that made me wonder how old he actually was. He told me that he was already three years old. That was enough for me to ask him to come with me to the precinct. As it was clear that his parents were not coming back to get him. No one should leave their child in central park, no matter what.

As we entered the precinct, Don looked at me with a lot of questions in his eyes and I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. This must be confusing. First of all, I already left, and not an hour later I'm back again. Not to mention I have a child in my arms. Reed said he was tired, so I optioned to carry him. He fell asleep against my shoulder five minutes from the precinct. I quickly explained to Don what happened to him and asked him to call child services.

When child services finally arrived, Reed was already awake again. We were both sitting in my office, and I had found some crayons for him, so he had something to do. I found it really easy to be around him, and when child services came to take him away to another foster family, it only took a sad expression from Reed to change my mind. He didn't want to leave me, and I didn't want him to leave. I pulled a lot of strings to get where I am now. After tons of paperwork and references from friends, family and colleagues I was finally able to legally adopt Reed Taylor.

The first couple of days were a little weird. I had always been alone and suddenly I was responsible for a three year old. Thank god for Stella. She came over on regular basis, to make sure that we were doing okay. And after a few weeks, Reed even started to call me daddy. The first time he said it, I thought I didn't hear him correctly. Maybe he had a slip up. But he continued to call me daddy and after a few days I found myself using that title to address myself to him as well. It felt almost natural.

Reed loves to visit the lab. He has had a lot of tours, but he always wants to see the equipment again and again. It doesn't bother me, so I just show him around again. Of course I first make sure there isn't anything bloody left behind for him to see.

He also loves to play with Stella. And Stella also loves to play with him. I think that's because she knows what he's been through already at such a young age. They have this understanding. I also trust Stella to watch him when Sinclair needs me.

Like yesterday. Reed wanted to visit the lab again, and of course that isn't a problem. But then Sinclair walked into my office. Something about a press conference that needed my expertise. Sure… But he wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to follow him. I quickly asked Stella if she could keep an eye on Reed while I was downstairs, and as every other time, she didn't mind. But when I returned I was in quite a shock after I saw Reed's Christmas wish list. He wanted to be a big brother. I shared a look with Stella and I knew she didn't understand. Quietly she told me what Reed told her about his mommy. I felt really guilty. You see, Reed sees Stella as his mommy. We've had a lot of outings together and she has always been there for us when we needed help. I'm not saying I wasn't surprised the first time he asked me where mommy was. He knows his real parents died, he told me that himself. But then he explained that Stella was his mommy. It's not hard to understand how he came to that conclusion, but I'm not sure if Stella would appreciate it. So I made him promise not to call her that. I know she wouldn't know how to deal with that. She would probably have a heart attack.

The first time Reed spoke about his mommy, except the time he explained to me about his real parents, was a couple of weeks ago when we went to the park together. Just the two of us. Normally Stella's with us, when we have an outing like this, but she had to work this weekend. Reed was all sad, because she couldn't come. Well, actually it was more like, "Where is mommy?". I don't think he meant to say that. And I didn't understand him at first. He had never talked about his mother, so I wasn't sure what he was asking. He knows that I adopted him. But then he corrected himself and asked where Stella was. Then I understood that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to involve Stella with everything we did. Reed was getting attached to her and I wasn't sure if that was what she wanted. She is trying to get her life back on track and I don't think that will work when you have a little boy clinging to you. Although I also don't think she is making much progress by herself. She's been down lately, always looking over her shoulder, on edge, jumpy. Every time I ask about it, she shrugs it off as stress from the latest case or the lack of sleep she got the night before. I don't buy it. I've known her for more than eight years, I can see right through her, and I know she's hiding the truth from me. Maybe I should invite her over for a cup of coffee so we can talk. Nothing date-ish. Although, maybe, that is what I want. A date? I should just ask her out. There is a chance that she would say yes…

X

Right now, it's been three months since Wayne came into my life and I'm still under his watch. People around the lab are noticing things. I'm not eating much around there, 'cause I can't. I've gotten used to the lack of food due to Wayne's methods, so every time I'm allowed to eat, I really can't. I just can't keep it inside. That also means I've lost weight. A lot. I can see my own bones sticking out and I'm deliberately wearing loose shirts to cover up that fact. Some people at the lab seem to be disappointed when they see me lately. And, no matter how much make up I wear, I can still see the dark circles that are forming under my eyes. And I know that my face has the same color as a ghost. Mac has pointed that out a couple of times. I'm also addicted to the insulin shots. Well, not addicted, but I'm depending more and more on them. That's probably because I'm not eating anymore, but it is forming a problem at work, as nobody knows that I have the disease. Only Mac knows, since he's my best friend, not to mention my boss, and I trust him to keep it a secret. I know people at the lab will look at me differently when they find out. Maybe not the team, but others will. They will be more careful around me, and I don't want that to happen. I'm not made of glass.

I've also noticed the snipers around the lab, from day one. That really freaked me out. Now I know Wayne was not lying and he's willing to kill me, or Mac. Mac … he has been asking questions lately. He's suspecting something and I hate lying to him, but I know I have no choice. I love that man, I really do. I'm just too scared to tell him. Especially right now. If I tell him now, I don't know what Wayne will do. And I also don't how Mac feels about me. If he doesn't feel the same, I'm just waiting for a verbal disappointment and I'll risk both of our lives. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish Wayne would let me go already. He told me, just a few more days. That was a month ago. A friend of him had to take care of some business in town, and he needed a back-up plan for when that went wrong. I am that back-up plan. I'm screwed. And I need Mac.

I slowly enter my apartment. As I'm locking the door behind me, I sense Wayne. He has changed these couple of months. As rough as he was at first as gentle as he is now.

'Welcome home, sweetheart,' he whispers in my ear, 'you know the drill. Now move your cute ass.'

I don't say anything back, but I'm slowly walking into my bedroom. He follows me, and gently pushes me further into the room. He always waits in my room, until I'm finished in the bathroom. When I come out in my nightgown, he walks towards me and pushes me onto my bed.

'Time for your shot, honey,' and Wayne lifts my nightgown up. He inserts the needle into my belly and kisses the spot afterwards. 'And now it's time for our little chat. What did Det. Taylor do today?'

I knew this question was coming since he has asked it every day when I returned home. And my answer has always been the same. 'Mac did nothing unusual. He got in before I did, I left before he did, he finished some paperwork and went to a crime scene with Don Flack and Danny Messer. Oh, and he also visited the morgue.'

'Did he mention anybody named David Seymour?' Wayne continues to question me.

'No.'

'Good girl,' he said and patted my cheek, 'Now, tomorrow will be a bit different. Tomorrow will be the big day and I want you to do something for me. I don't have to remind you what will happen when you refuse, right?'

I shake my head.

'Good. I want you to clear the building. I don't care how you do it, but before four o'clock the whole building must be empty. When you've done that, I want you to get det. Taylor, det. Flack, dr. Hawkes, mr. Ross and yourself inside an elevator car. Then around the 18th floor power should go out. Got it?'

This time I just nod my head.

'Very good. I'll let you figure out a plan. Sweet dreams, Stella,' and he left my bedroom, but not before he cuffed my right hand to the headboard, closed all the windows, turned all the lights off and locked the doors.

And I was all alone again. I must say, my eyes are adjusting to the darkness faster now. But still I feel uncomfortable lying in bed with one hand cuffed. I just have to remind myself that after tomorrow it will all be over. Finally. But first, I have to come up with a plan to clear the building before four o'clock and get everybody in the elevator. And how am I gonna get a power outage? But I have to do this. Else Mac and I will die. I can't let that happen now. Not now that it's almost over…

X

I made a decision. I need Stella to tell me the truth. Right now. I can't get a good night rest before she does. So before I even sat down on the couch in my apartment, I left again.

As I gently knock on Stella's front door, I can hear noise coming from inside the apartment. Good, she's home. But after a few minutes, she still hasn't opened the door.

'Stella. I know you're in there. Open the door,' I knock once more.

What is going on? I just heard some noise, and now she's not opening. What if she's hurt? I'm about to use the spare key she gave me when I hear someone unlocking the door.

X

The bedroom door flies open again and I see a very angry Wayne hovering over my bed. I blink my eyes a couple of times, trying to get them to adjust to the bright light that is suddenly shining into my bedroom.

'Why do you have a visitor at this hour?' Wayne growls at me. I look at the alarm on my nightstand. 01.22 a.m.

'I don't know. Do you know who it is?' I whisper, and inside I pray that it is Mac. I know he's on to something and when he sees me tonight, he may figure everything out. He can save me before it all gets out of hand. I know Mac pays attention to details, and right now, I'm not covering up any bruises.

'It's your handsome detective.'

'Mac,' I whisper and I close my eyes, 'what do you want me to do?'

'I want you to get rid of him. Don't let him into your apartment and don't let him see me, or you will pay for it.'

He drags me out of bed before I can response, and I stumble to the door. When I open it, Mac is still waiting. I'm quick to notice the worried expression on his face.

'Hey Mac. Did you need anything?' I ask, without opening the door further, so he has no change to enter my apartment.

'Hey Stell. I'm sorry about the late hour, but I couldn't wait till tomorrow. And yeah … I need something,' he stumbles on his words like he's just a little schoolboy. I also notice the blush creeping up his cheeks. 'Can I come in?'

Damn it. I was hoping this question wouldn't come. What should I say now?

'Mac. I … do you know what time it is?' I blink my eyes a couple of times to support my comment.

'I'm sorry Stella. I know you need your sleep, but it's important.'

'Can't it wait until tomorrow? I'm really tired and I might fall asleep on you now.'

'Of course. I'm sorry I woke you up. It's just… be careful okay?' with that he turns around and walks back to the elevator.

With a sigh I close the door and lean against it.

'How sweet, he wants to talk.' Wayne's voice erupts my thoughts and I quickly turn back into defense mode. 'Now back to bed.'

I comply and am once again cuffed to the headboard. Waiting for morning to come…

X

Okay, I went. It didn't give me a lot of answers, but I know something is wrong now. Stella wasn't wearing her normal clothes and the bruises on her arms and legs were very visible. Actually I should say bones. God, she is so skinny. That can't be healthy. When we're at work she wears a sweater with long sleeves. Well, lately that is what she wears. It seems as though her wardrobe has changed the last few months. Before, she would wear low cut tops or blouses. But I think I know why she changed. She is hiding how skinny she has become from the rest of us. I also noticed how scared she looked when she opened the door for me. And she didn't open it completely, like she was hiding something. And why couldn't I come in. Okay, it is late, but we've had late outings before, it was never a problem.

'Stella, what is going on?' I sigh as I enter the elevator.

The whole way back to my apartment I'm thinking about Stella. And when I enter my own apartment, I come to a conclusion. She's being abused. But by who? And why isn't she looking for help? I'm her best friend and she knows she can always come to me if she has a problem or needs a shoulder to cry on. Although that rarely happens. Stella doesn't cry. Only once, I've seen her cry.

Tomorrow I'll ask her what is going on. And I won't be satisfied with an excuse like "Didn't sleep well" or "It's just the case we're working on". I want to know the real truth. I also want her to see a doctor. I know about her disease, and not eating won't help her. She's never had a problem with it before, and she knows how to handle it, so why isn't she dealing with it the proper way? However, it will have to wait till tomorrow. And with that thought in mind, I climb into my bed and try to drift off to sleep.

X

As I lie in bed again, I can't fall asleep. I keep thinking about Mac. He's on to something. Thank God, after tomorrow this will all be over. But first I have to think of a plan to clear the lab. How am I gonna do that? What will clear the whole building?

When I open my eyes the next morning I can see the light from outside shining through my window. Wow, I guess I, eventually, fell asleep. I look to my right and see it's only 5.30 a.m. I sigh. Still half an hour, 'till Wayne is supposed to wake me.

X

'Are you all set?' I ask David. In about an hour I'll be waking up Stella, so I still have some time to go over the plan again.

'I located her. After today it will be gone for good. Don't worry, I got your back.'

I hang up and slowly ease myself down on a chair in the kitchen. I take a good look around. 'I'm certainly gonna miss this apartment' I say to no one in particular.