[When you guys have the chance, please listen to Nothing to Lose by Billy Talent, which was my inspiration for this one-shot :D]
Ben walked to school, like every other day, pulling his black hoodie further over his face to shield himself from the oncoming rain. He didn't want to be here, walking to school, off to face uncontrollable torment, before coming home to face more uncontrollable torment. He didn't want to be in the position he was in now, but everyone had to do what they had to do, right?
He looked down, cursing slightly as he walked into another puddle. He hated the December weather in his small town in Ontario. Instead of snow and fairy lights and coffee, it was rain and empty stockings and run down cafes that no one visited except for the nerds.
Soon enough, he had arrived at his destination. Our Lady of Mount Carmel Secondary School, a popular Catholic school in the Ontario area.
He wasn't Catholic, neither were his parents (when they were alive), but his aunt and uncle were religious nuts. He was forced to go to a Catholic school, lucky for him they allowed the kids to wear average everyday clothes instead of the ugly school uniforms most Catholic school were equipped with.
Walking up the stairs to the vast building, he passed Toby, the school janitor, who was polishing the school's bulletin board. Toby was the only one in this place that understood, that cared. On days like this, he would give Ben a chocolate bar, which he would eat at lunch time or in free period when he sat in front of the massive heaters in the corridors. Toby looked up and saw Ben walking towards the school, so he quickly fished around in his jeans pocket for the chocolate he grabbed for the boy before he went to his job. When Ben passed, holding out his hand, Toby gave him the fun-sized Mars bar he had grabbed, shaking his head.
Ben slipped the bar in his pocket, knowing it was the only proper food he was going to eat that day. He finally got to the top of the stairs, pulling open the main doors and going inside.
Everything was how it usually was, the popular girls would run down the halls or suck off the faces of their boyfriends, the closest friends would walk around sharing a set of earphones or talking about a new band they were in love with, the nerds would walk past playing some game on their phones, the mean girls of the school would talk loudly on their phones or twirl their hair at the jocks, the jocks walked around with their girlfriends and talked loudly about their achievements. No one even shot a second glance at Ben.
Ben was fine with all this, in fact, he was used to it. But what really hurt him, was when a group of guys who called themselves 'To Each His Own' walked passed and didn't even glance his way. What made it worse was the only guy that Ben had ever loved was one of them.
His name was Aaron Solowoniuk.
There were only two guys in the whole school that were gay. They were members of To Each His Own too. They were the bassist, Jon, and the guitarist, Ian. Everyone knew they were going out now, they never tried to hide it. When they were caught holding hands one day, their friends went beserk (except for Aaron, I should add) and they kicked Jon out of the band for a little bit. They even bashed him up after school when no one was around, and he passed out and Toby found him the next morning. Ian apparently attacked the vocalist of the band, Gerard, until he begged for mercy and never picked on Jon again, because he knew Ian was there to protect him.
But no one knew, there were actually three guys in the whole school that were gay.
The other was Ben.
But who would know, no one hung out with him anyways.
He started to walk to his locker, which was in the East Wing of the school. It was easy for him to find his locker between the never ending rows of lockers, everyday it had a new phrase written on it (he felt sorry for Toby for having to clean it up every day). And he knew exactly who wrote it.
Gerard and his extended crew.
His extended crew was everyone involved in To Each His Own, except for Aaron, Jon and Ian. They were the only ones with hearts.
Today, the phrase 'Go Die Emo Loser' was written on Ben's locker in Gerard's untidy scribble-like writing style.
"Lovely." Ben muttered quietly to himself. He never talked to people anymore, he stopped when the bullying got extremely bad.
He typed his combination into his locker, opening the foot-length metal door. He had taped a small mirror inside the door, to remind himself that he was still there and would make it one more day. It helped boost his confidence a little when his depression began, but it didn't work anymore, and Ben was just too lazy to remove it.
In the corner of his eyes, Ben saw his reflection. His ugly, ugly reflection.
His usually fair white complexion was littered with purple blotches and red lines, all from the kids at school and his aunt and uncle, his hair was pushed to one side to hide his right eye, which brought him to another thing. His eyes.
They were once a bright blue colour, now, they were a pale grey colour, the same colour as the sky when a thunderstorm is about to occur. He looked, well, dead.
Dragging his eyes away from the miserable boy in the mirror, he grabbed his books for his first class, Geography. Deciding to do something he hadn't done for two years, he took a quick breath in and looked at himself in the mirror.
You lived another day, he told his reflection, and I don't think you'll make another soon.
Ben slammed his locker shut and walked through the crowded halls to room one hundred and three. He arrived outside the door and pushed it open, causing the full class and the teacher, Mr Doveton, to look at him. Ben quickly averted his eyes to floor, getting anxious due to everyone looking at him.
"Kowalewicz," Mr Doveton said, in his slightly Italian accent. "You're late." Ben nodded slightly and Mr Doveton sighed. "This is your second strike. Got it? Good. Now, find a seat. We're reading section two and answering questions one to eighteen." By that point, Ben had blocked Mr Doveton's nasally tone out, and he was desperately trying to find a seat to sit at.
He carefully stepped over feet trying to trip him up, and he ignored Frank when he stuck the middle finger up at him. Kids these days, Ben thought before internally rolling his eyes and continued his hunt for a seat.
He stopped in his tracks when he realised it.
The only spare seat in the entire class was next to Aaron Solowoniuk.
Ben had completely forgotten his crush was in his Geography class, and now he had to sit next to him. Joy!
Ben placed his books on the small table and sat down behind it. Aaron looked up when he heard noise next to him and looked up to see someone sitting next to him, someone who wasn't part of To Each His Own. Aaron knew him. He was the weird boy that no one talked to and he always wore a hood and Toby always gave him chocolate. Aaron knew the boy's last name was Kowalewicz, but what was his first name? Billy? Barry? Brian? Bob?
Ben quickly grabbed his Geography text book and his notebook, resting his head on his hands as he began to read.
The first Ancient Chinese dynasty was the Xia Dynasty, which lasted between 2100 – 1600 BC, which is a time period of 500 years. The ruler was...
Blah, blah, blah. Who cared about Ancient Chinese dynasties? Two sentences in, and Ben was bored out of his mind.
He was about to fall asleep when he felt someone tap lightly on his shoulder. He turned slightly, preparing himself for the rude comment to come, but instead was greeted with something he was usually never asked.
"Excuse me? Um, do you have a pencil I could, uh, borrow?"
Ben fully looked, and saw Aaron, his brown eyes sparkling slightly as he smiled sheepishly. Ben chuckled quietly when he found the 'sawed-in-half' pencil sitting on Aaron's desk, lying in a bed of pencil shavings. Ben grabbed a black pencil from his pencil case and gave it to Aaron. When he felt the tips of Aaron's finger tips touch his, he felt a spark of electricity surge through his arm.
"Thanks." Aaron said politely, beginning to write his answers. Ben got back to his work. He decided to put his earphones in and listened to some music, due to the fact Mr Doveton allowed his students to listen to music during class, which was pretty cool.
Ben scrolled through his music, deciding on one of his favourite songs at the moment, Girl's Not Grey by AFI.
About half way through the song, Ben felt another tap on his shoulder. He took his left earphone out and saw Aaron staring at him.
"What are you listening to?" Aaron asked Ben, leaning over slightly to look at his phone. Ben showed Aaron the screen, which read AFI – Girl's Not Grey.
"I love that song. Can I listen to it too?" Aaron asked. Ben nodded, holding one of his earphones out to Aaron. Aaron took it from Ben's hand and put it in, the sound of Davey Havok's voice filling his ears.
The two boys fell into silence again, as they listened to Ben's music and worked on their Geography work.
Ben finished early, moving his textbook and notebook to the side and opening up his sketchbook. He found his special ink felt pens and began to do some extra lines and outlines of the two figures, before signing his name in the bottom right corner.
"Wow, that's really good!" Ben heard Aaron say. He looked up and saw Aaron looking in shock at the drawing. It was a drawing he had begun to work on last night. It was a drawing of two male figures bashing a pile of TVs with baseball bats. A collection of sparrows flew out of the broken TVs, and everything was outlined in pink or purple.
"I would buy that if you sold that to me. I wouldn't care about the price I would just buy it." Aaron said, tracing his finger over the dried ink. Ben hardly ever got praised for his artwork. The only one who positively praised his artwork was Ms Locke, the school's art teacher, no one else ever cared about Ben's talent.
Ben quickly opened his notebook, flipping to the last page. He neatly wrote a small message for Aaron in the corner and showed it to the older boy.
Do you want it? I have another copy of this at home.
Aaron quickly read Ben's message in his head, before looking at Ben with his eyebrow raised.
"Are you sure? I just don't want to take this from you." Aaron said. Ben nodded, carefully tearing the drawing out of his book and holding it out to Aaron. Aaron hesitated slightly, before taking the picture from Ben's hand.
Then the bell rang for second period, and everyone began to collect their things.
"Class!" Mr Doveton shouted in his nasally voice. "Your homework is to write about one of the Ancient Chinese dynasties, which will be due on Wednesday. Any questions? No? Good."
Everyone began to walk out of class around Ben, including Mr Doveton. Everyone was racing to get out of the classroom.
"See you around Billy." Aaron smiled before exiting the classroom.
"It's Ben." Ben replied quietly, even though he knew it was impossible that Aaron would hear him.
Once Aaron left, the entire classroom was deserted, except for Ben, who still sat in his spot in the back row. He had Maths with Mrs Adams in this classroom this period anyway, so he could continue with the drawing in his book no one knew about.
Keeping his earphones in, he flipped to the last page. On the left to it was a small journal entry he had written two days ago, when he was shoved into one of the popular girls' lockers. On the page already, he had drawn a small car, the same one in the far corner of the school's garage. It was the room where all the engineering classes were held. The car had a black hose connecting to the exhaust pipe, and it led into one of the car windows.
Loosing track of time, Mrs Adams came in with the students, did her lesson, and left. Ben did not a single ounce of work though.
What was he doing?
Writing his famous last words.
Well, correction, they weren't going to be famous. Ben was another nobody. How would he be famous?
He finished writing what would soon be known as his last words, before leaving the deserted classroom.
It was lunch, finally, and while everyone else was eating their lunch in the cafeteria as the rain fell outside, Ben sat in front of the radiators drawing. He fished through his hoodie pockets to find the Mars bar Toby gave him in the morning. He finished it in three bites, making sure he made each bite last until he counted to one hundred. He was using his grey lead to go over the lines of the car, trying to make them darker, when he saw Gerard and his crew walking towards him down the hall. In a rush, he grabbed his sketchbook and got up, hoping to get away from his tormentors.
"Oi fag boy!" Gerard shouted, causing Ben to stop in his tracks. Soon enough he was surrounded by Gerard and his little henchmen, Mikey, Frank, Ray and Bob. Then they began their little game.
First Gerard punched Ben square in the face, causing him to stumble back into Mikey and Frank's area. Mikey roughly shoved Ben back over to the other boys. Ray punched Ben in the stomach, causing Ben to whimper in pain and cover his stomach with his arms. Though, no one heard his whimper. It was far too quiet to be heard over the commotion.
Then Ben did something he wished he would never do in his life.
He dropped his notebook.
Bob leant down and picked it up. "Hey, what's this? Fag boy's little diary?" He said, opening up the book. Gerard snatched it from Bob's hands, flicking through the pages and laughing at everything Ben had drawn and written.
Ben quickly recovered himself from the blow to his stomach, desperately trying to grab the notebook from Gerard. Frank and Mikey kept shoving Ben away as Gerard read more of Ben's writing. He laughed at Ben's thoughts. He smirked at Ben's feelings. He giggled at Ben's struggles.
That's it, Ben thought, I have to do it now.
Ben gave up, and ran.
He ran through the school building, no one even glancing his way. He knew exactly where he needed to go, even though he hadn't been there for any of his classes, he knew its location in the school and whatnot.
He frantically ripped open the doors to the stairway towards the back of the school, running down the stairs and entering the school's garage.
He looked around, desperately trying to find the small grey car which he had drawn. He found it, sitting there, untouched as per usual.
Looking around once more, he found a small black hose that was connectable on either side. He grabbed it, and walked over to the grey car.
He bobbed down next to the exhaust pipe, connecting one of the sides to the car. He carried the other has he walked around the driver's side of the car, grabbing the keys off the bench next to the car.
Unlocking the car, Ben opened the door, climbing inside. He shut the door behind himself, bringing the pipe in through the open window before shutting it tightly. He quickly checked the rest of the windows to make sure they were all shut. They were.
Taking a deep breath, he leant forward, putting the keys in the ignition. He knew it was time for him to go. To leave this world and never return.
Letting his last breath of air enter his lungs, Ben turned the keys in the ignition, feeling the car shudder and groan to life.
Clouds of grey exhaust began to fill the car, but not fast enough for Ben's liking. Frustrated, he pushed his foot down on the accelerator, causing larger clouds of exhaust to fill up the car more frequently.
Ben felt the air grow denser, and he found it more difficult to breath. He began to gasp for air, clutching his throat. It was painful, but he knew it would happen soon.
Finally, he felt his eyes slowly close, unable to hold themselves open anymore. He smiled as he felt his heartbeat grow slower, and he was taken into the darkness of the afterlife.
Now and forever, my love.
"God, I hate Mrs Adams! Why did she keep us behind? It was all Gerard and his crew. God, god, god!" Jon raged, unable to hide his anger. Ian wrapped his arm comfortingly around his boyfriend's shoulders.
"Don't worry so much about it Jon, it was probably a slip-up. At least we had it together." Ian comforted Jon, pulling Jon closer to him. Jon giggled, resting his head against Ian's chest.
"I love you Ian." Jon smiled, his smile growing bigger when he heard his boyfriend reply with, "I love you too Jon."
Aaron walked behind, looking at the floor. There was one boy he liked but he could never ask him out. Why? He couldn't even remember the boy's name! Was it Brian? Or Billy? It was Billy, right?
He always wore a hood, which intrigued Aaron even more. He had never even seen this boy's face and he was utterly in love with him. He knew he was crazy, he wouldn't deny it, but that just proved there was most definitely a screw loose in his head.
Walking behind his two best friends, he noticed something out of the corner of his eyes. A small black book sat open on the ground. Aaron recognised the book. It was the exact same one mystery boy owned. He had given Aaron the drawing from it.
"Hey guys! I'll catch up with you later!" Aaron shouted to his two friends, who were far ahead of him. He received no reply. The others were stuck in their own lovesick world.
The day had ended and everyone had gone home. So why was Ben's notebook here when he always took it home?
Aaron went over to investigate. He picked up the book and looked at the front cover. The only thing written on it was Property of Ben Kowalewicz.
Ben! That's his name! Aaron thought. I knew it started with a B!
Ignoring those thoughts, Aaron began to flip through the book. There were pages of writing, talking about Gerard and his crew. Why were Gerard and his friends mentioned in it? Aaron had no clue. He was mentioned in there too, his name often with a small heart drawn next to it. Did Ben like him too? He had to know.
One page caught his eye the most. The second last one.
It was a drawing of the school garage, Aaron recognised it instantly. There was a car that had a hose attached to the back, and it lead into the car. All the doors and windows were closed.
Above the picture, Ben had written:
I will do it, I will show you, you will know who I am, you will read this and know who I am, my death will heal this pain, there's nothing to lose and I can't fight this pain anymore.
Aaron understood exactly what it meant, but nonetheless, he flipped to the last page, which had one sentence written in the centre that made him break into a run to the school garage to find Ben.
I just died today.
Aaron ran down the empty halls, down the stairs, and into the school garage. He looked directly into the far corner of the room, and there the car was. The windows were tinted grey, so Aaron had a feeling he might've been too late.
He snatched a crowbar which sat nearby, running up to the car and frantically smashing the driver's window. He didn't care if the school sued him for mistreating school property. He had to save Ben.
A massive cloud of gas came out the window as Aaron smashed it. He coughed and waved his hand in front of his face to try and hopefully clear it away.
When the exhaust cleared, he clearly saw Ben sitting in the driver's seat. Not hesitating at all, Aaron reached in through the window, unbuckling Ben's seatbelt and pulling him out of the car. He carefully laid the boy's body on the floor of the garage, with Ben's hood still blocking his face.
Aaron knew Ben wouldn't like it if he did this, but he wanted to see what this boy looked like. He reached up, and slowly pulled Ben's hood of his hair. The first thing Aaron noticed about Ben was his skin. It was littered with marks of purple and red. His once fair white skin had turned to a shade dreadfully close to white. His lips were slightly tinted with a deep shade of blue, and long locks of tangled blonde hair covered Ben's right eye.
Oh my god, Aaron thought in disbelief, he's beautiful.
He carefully brushed Ben's hair away, seeing small leftover tears littered in his eyelashes that he had refused to show. Ben was a soldier, a stony faced soldier that refused to fall. But when you refuse, it forces you to do it but so much worse.
Aaron remembered something he read in Ben's book and lifted the right sleeve of Ben's hoodie. Angry red lines littered Ben's arms, only stopping at his elbows. Along his wrists were blackish-red burns he had done, probably at home.
This caused Aaron to break down and cry.
This confirmed it all, he loved Ben. And what tore him apart was the fact he would never be able to actually tell Ben this.
Aaron, through his tears, reached over and lifted up Ben's left sleeve. Alongside more scars, a small note sat addressed to Aaron. Curiously, Aaron picked the note up and read it, and when he read some parts, he cried even harder.
My aunt and uncle abused me...
Don't you understand why I had to do this?
I just can't fight the pain...
I tried, I really did...
Keep holding on Aaron, there's hope for you...
At the end, Ben had written: Now and forever, my love. Signed, Benjamin Kowalewicz.
Aaron allowed a lone tear to fall as he pressed a kiss to Ben's cold cheek, whispering one last line to his beloved before he alerted a teacher on what Ben had done.
"Now and forever, Benny. Now and forever."
-fin-