A/N: I know Kurt isn't Christian, and I'm not trying to pretend that he is, or even imply that he was raised as such. I myself am agnostic. He says in this that his Grandmother was the one who told him that his mom was going to go to heaven; I imagine a child who had been raised in the church would already have assumed this.
I just have a soft-spot for little Kurt and I wanted to try my hand at writing Kurt's mom.
Heaven
"Mama?" Seven-year-old (seven and three quarters he would constantly remind everyone) Kurt Hummel looked up at his mother, his mother who was now paler than him and thinner than him, from his spot in her lap on one of the rocking chairs in the cancer treatment center's enclosed porch. It was only because he was so small for his age, one of the products of being born two months premature, that he even fit and that she could carry the weight.
"What is it, baby?" Elizabeth Hummel asked, stifling a yawn. She barely stayed awake for more than a couple hours at a time these days. She was weaker, paler, thinner, every breath more labored and shallow, every step feeling like it sucked all the strength out of her body. She was a fighter, but she knew this battle would be over soon. What saddened her most was leaving her loving husband and tiny son behind. He was fierce and strong, just like his mom, and he would survive. But Burt wasn't as much of a fighter.
"What is heaven gonna be like?"
That was certainly not what she'd been expecting. "Why do you want to know, sweetheart?"
"'Cos I had a dream three nights ago, an' you had wings an' you were flying up to the sky, an' you said you had to leave. I asked Nana where people go when they have to fly away an' leave you an' she said they go to heaven, that you're gonna go to heaven. I wanna know what it's like before you hafta go, Mama."
"Well, sweetheart, I haven't gone to heaven yet, so I don't know." Kurt's dreamy, hopeful face fell. "But I have heard what people might think it'll be like."
"I don't wanna know what other people think; I wanna know what you think it's gonna be like," Kurt insisted stubbornly.
"Hmm…" Elizabeth took a second to mull over this. "I think… heaven is…a happy place. I think there will be lots of ovens for me to bake all sorts of treats in, and when you get a lot older and come join me in heaven, we can bake together." Kurt looked excited at the prospect. "I think that there will be lots of puppies in heaven, too. The fluffy ones that I like."
"The pom-pom kind?" Kurt asked sweetly, and Elizabeth laughed.
"Yes, the pom-pom kind. And there will be… trees everywhere, big, leafy green trees with pretty singing birds and thick branches that I can sit back on and to read my favorite books. There will be a stage with actors who are always putting on the best musicals. And I'll be healthy again – I'll be able to climb trees and take one of the 'pom-pom' dogs for a run every day."
"Heaven sounds really nice," Kurt murmured, leaning his head against his mother's frail shoulder.
"Yeah, it will be…"
"Are you gonna go there soon?" he asked in a quiet voice after a few moments of tentative silence. Elizabeth sucked in a sharp breath through her nose and closed her eyes, trying desperately to fight off tears. "Mama? Are you?"
Slowly, she nodded. "Yes, baby, I think so."
Apparently a few tears did escape, because then Kurt was saying, "Don't cry, Mama," and reaching up a small, pale hand to wipe at her cheek. "There isn't s'posed be any crying in heaven, that's what Nana said. You'll be happy there."
"I know, sweetie."
"But Daddy an' I," Kurt went on, "we'll be sad. I won't cry though. And you can't either. Daddy cries enough for both of us an' we need to be happy so he can keep smiling, even when you hafta leave us, 'cos I don't like it when Daddy's frowning."
"That's very brave of you, Kurt. But you can cry when I leave. You need to be strong for Daddy, but you can cry and still be strong."
Kurt was quiet again for a while before speaking up. "You know what the bad part about heaven is, Mama?"
"What is it?"
"That you have to say goodbye to all the people you love to go to heaven. Heaven is s'posed to be a happy place, but something sad has-ta happen to go there. It's not fair."
"I know, baby, I know," she whispered.
"How soon are you gonna hafta say bye-bye to us, Mama?"
As always, Elizabeth did her best to be honest with her son. A child didn't need lies right now, because then the truth would just end up hurting him even more later. "Probably real soon."
He was silent for a while, but when he finally spoke, he didn't sound like he was about to cry – he just sounded curious. "Will you miss us, Mama? I know you can't be sad in heaven, but will you still miss me an' Daddy?"
"Yes. Yes, Kurt, honey. I'll miss you and Daddy so, so much."
"You won't forget about us when you have all your pretty pom-pom doggies?"
"Of course not, baby. I could never forget about you. Do you promise you won't forget about me?" It was a bit selfish, yes, and she hoped he wouldn't take that to mean that he couldn't get over her death, but the idea of being forgotten was becoming a genuine fear – maybe that was just the meds speaking, or maybe that was really how it felt for everyone who knew they were on their way out of the world.
"I promise, Mama," Kurt said seriously. He looked up quickly and kissed his mom's cheek. "I love you, Mama."
"I love you too, Kurtie," Elizabeth breathed. She pulled him into as tight of an embrace as she could manage, tucking his head under her chin and breathing in the scent of his hair that was the exact same shiny light brown with highlights of caramel and auburn as hers had been when she still had all her hair.
She didn't want to leave. She wanted to be there to guide her son and watch as Kurt grew into a fine young man. She wanted to be his support and his comfort when other children gave him a hard time at school.
She wanted to be there to meet his first boyfriend (she had known for years her child was simply not interested in girls; he was effeminate and delicate, and almost all the crushes he'd ever mentioned before – mostly celebrities or characters from movies – had been of the male persuasion, except for Julie Andrews, and Ariel from The Little Mermaid, and even then he said he preferred Prince Eric), to make any boy dating her son uncomfortable by cracking sex jokes – that was just the kind of person Elizabeth was; she would leave the threatening to Burt, he would have much too much fun with that to pass it up anyway – and embarrass Kurt by showing all his boyfriends his baby pictures.
She wanted to be at the opening of his first starring role in a musical on Broadway, or the unveiling of his fashion line, or at the premiere of his first movie (because she knew her little boy, who had so much talent in so many different areas – artistic and athletic and academic – it was practically unbelievable, was destined for far greater things than taking over his dad's auto shop).
She wanted to tear up and clutch Burt's hand at a no-doubt fabulous wedding (her son, the wedding planner) as Kurt and a man who had promised to love, respect, protect, and cherish her baby forever shared their first kiss as a married couple. She wanted to dance with him at his wedding reception and get a picture of an unwilling Kurt with cake all over his face, and embarrass him in her toast to the newlyweds.
She wanted to be alive to be a grandma, constantly nagging and hassling Kurt and his husband until they either adopted or chose a surrogate, because she wanted grandkids, damn it! She wanted to be the type of grandma who would spoil those children rotten and tell them stories about their Daddy Kurt when he was little like them and did stupid, silly things and was almost as adorable as they were.
Most of all, she didn't want Kurt to have to bury her until he had a husband's hand to grasp and shoulder to cry on, and until she was old enough that death came as a great sleep that she was as ready as she ever could be for, not a terrifying unknown that was gripping at her and tearing her away from her family.
If she could choose, she would get through this and continue living to watch Kurt build his future and home. But she didn't have that choice. So instead she just clung to a now-sleeping Kurt tightly and let her tears roll silently down her face, as if holding the piece of heaven in her arms close enough could keep the real heaven away.