Disclaimer: How many times must I say it? Do you people really think I own these awesome characters? Well I don't.
A/N: I always wondered how having such a messed-up father might make Zuko question his own abilities. Which is where this one-shot came from.
Father
"So, what's the latest update?" Zuko asked the question with the slightly resigned sigh of someone settling in to do tedious but necessary work. He pushed aside some of the papers on the council table and seated himself, trying to get into a more serious and formal frame of mind.
Mai sat next to him, her robes rustling softly as she imitated his slightly stiff posture. Her face was smooth and inscrutable.
She laid a long scroll of parchment with a list of names, duties, places, and events between them. Zuko rubbed his forehead slightly looking at the sprawl of writing. Mai gave him an affectionate look, and he could have sworn he saw the corner of her mouth lift, although he couldn't imagine why.
Mai placed one slender finger at the top of the column, and began dragging it down, reading aloud in a monotone as she went.
"There's a group of citizens who are complaining about some river that flows through their property, Minister Shi wants to have a meeting with you about the Seventh Defense Battalion, there's a bandit group that's apparently been causing a lot of trouble in the outer part of the capital, and I'm pregnant."
Zuko's eyes had actually focused on the first item on the list to begin considering it, when his wife's words connected to his brain. He froze.
"Mai? Say that…again."
"About the bandits in the outer capital? They asked if you could look into—"
"Mai! After that!" Zuko's gold eyes were stretched wide, locked onto Mai's unconcerned face.
"I'm pregnant?" Mai shrugged. But Zuko could see that twitch at the corner of her mouth clearly now. And her dark eyes were gleaming at him…
Zuko's mouth fell open slightly. He struggled to put his thoughts back together, to try and come up with a reaction, to try and pull some kind of order from the sudden turmoil of emotions that had erupted in his chest.
In the end, he simply threw his arms around Mai and held her as tightly as he could, practically shivering with the enormity of this pronouncement. Trust her to just slip it into casual conversation like that.
"Ow, Zuko. You don't have to break my spine." But her voice was much lighter than it could have been. Zuko got that sense that she was holding back a grin, something that Mai did very infrequently.
Zuko loosened his grip slightly, and Mai drew back to look at him, with just a slight, teasing smile on her lips.
"Well, that's a relief. I was wondering what your reaction to being a father was going to be. I picked indoors on purpose because I thought it would keep you from firebending when I told you."
Zuko didn't hear her last words. He suddenly only heard one word echoing in his head.
Father.
It struck him like a cold knife through his chest.
"Please, father, I only had the fire nation's best interest at heart!"
Heat. Pain. Cruel eyes that looked down upon him and did not care. The fluttering of a banner bearing the Fire Nation insignia. Darkness.
"What if father doesn't restore my honor?" Bitterness. Determination. A face shrouded in fire. Capture the Avatar. Scarred for life.
"Dad's going to kill you…really, he is." Jeering. Fear. A joke that isn't a joke. Not even safe in my own bed.
"During the meeting, I was the perfect prince. The son my father always wanted." Faking. Pretending. But not me.
Zuko couldn't breathe properly. He was aware of his hands gripping the table, white-knuckled.
I'm going to be a father.
Fear and nausea overwhelmed him in the same second, and he bowed his head. He didn't even consider what Mai must be thinking. This was not the reaction he should be having. He should be happy, proud, excited. But instead, he was terrified. The fear that had lain dormant in him since the end of the war reared its head again.
What if I don't know how to be anything other than what my father was?
No. No, no, no…
But…
"Even in exile my nephew is more honorable than you." Ferocious. Protective. Calm.
"I will teach you a firebending move that even Azula doesn't know, because I made it up myself!" Teaching. Smiling. Shaping…me.
"I'm begging you, Prince Zuko! It's time for you to look inward, and begin asking yourself the big questions. Who are you? What do you want?" No one else has ever asked. Angry. Aching. Hoping. For me.
"I think of you as my own." Tender. Concerned. Warm.
"I was never angry, Zuko." Forgiving. Holding. Accepting.
"Your Uncle has gotten to you, hasn't he?"
"Yes…he has."
Zuko released the breath he hadn't known he was holding. His hands relaxed. He was wrong.
There was someone who had taught him how to be different from his father.
Mai's hand was resting on his cheek, but he somehow knew that she hadn't spoken a word throughout his paralysis. She never seemed to feel the need to interrupt when some understanding came upon him, and he loved her for it.
"Zuko?" she asked gently, making his name into a question.
Slowly, Zuko turned and embraced her again. This time, he could feel the emotions that before had been crushed by fear welling up through him again. They brimmed up into amazed joy and finally into shaky but genuine laughter. And without seeing her face, Zuko knew Mai was smiling into his shoulder.
He said the words to himself again, pressing his face into Mai's silky hair.
I'm going to be a father.
This time, they were not a condemnation.
They were a promise.