Commitment Issues
A tag to 1x08 Minimum Security.
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Gibbs: How good an actress are you, Agent Cassidy?
Cassidy:Ask Tony. He bought my act.
DiNozzo: Icing me was an act?
Cassidy: No. That you think I was melting was.
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Anthony DiNozzo didn't fall in love easily.
Having experienced too many situations in his past where it was clear he wouldn't get the love he wanted had made him stop trying. He'd always wanted a little love, a little respect, maybe even pride from his father. Always working hard in school, being a grade A student like his father wanted had spared him many words of disgust and the usual 'you are no son of mine' but never once had it gotten him acknowledgement.
He'd stopped trying at the age of twelve when his father decided sending his son to Rhode Island Military Academy and disowning him would save him a lot of trouble. Tony had learned then that begetting a child didn't automatically mean being a father and it sure as hell didn't mean being loved by said person. That's when Tony decided loving someone was a waste of time and as soon as you might think you could like or even love somebody you'd have to shut your heart down and move on.
He'd made it his philosophy and lived after it the following years through college and realizing it was actually a nice method that saved you a lot of hurt, he stick to it for the following decade. Every two years he'd find himself another place to live and work, just in case he might get too close to someone, be hurt and left to a bleeding heart.
At the age of thirty he'd landed in Washington D.C. with a federal agency he'd barely heard of in his years a cop. He didn't think then that he'd get attached to a grumpy ex-marine who probably wouldn't even think of a relationship with his team outside of work. That made it a lot easier for him at the very beginning, but now, two years in D.C. had him realize that if he stayed detached forever his life might become an isolated and sad one. Not that it already was.
And that got to him.
Suddenly he had the need to stay in a place for longer than just two years. While still keeping his flirting superficial – not only because he was still hesitant and unsure of what it might provide –, it was led by the thought of serious commitment. When they caught the case in Cuba and got to know Agent Cassidy he even found the strength in himself to take flirting to the next level. He wanted to settle the pace and heat, felt actually self-confident while doing so and when she showed her willingness to play along he couldn't keep a triumphant smile of his face.
He didn't even realize when she took the lead and started playing him. He was too caught up with himself and not messing this up that he found himself drifting out of reality and into a world of imagination, in which obviously Paula Cassidy had found a liking in him and he floated on cloud seven.
The higher you climb the farther you fall. That's what everyone's saying, wasn't it. And Tony had jumped to conclusions, when Cassidy had acted like she actually fell for him. That she hadn't was a real surprise for DiNozzo and a punch directly in his already scarred heart. All his defenses fell off him with that little remark that seemed like it was the truth.
It hurt so much he had the feeling the air was squeezed out of him all at once and left him gasping for breath. He came to realize that his thinking was all wrong and that he should never have betrayed his philosophy from the very beginning. It hadn't made him feel any better, it only made matters worse. That was why he couldn't bring himself to listen to Kate once she tried to make him feel better. He didn't deserve it anyway. He was the only one responsible for screwing with his heart.
Tony couldn't help but withdraw from his teammates that moment. He didn't join in the natural banter for the rest of the trip to Cuba, he stayed detached as much as he could. The rest of the case rushed by him in a haze and even though he stayed in touch with the professional part of work he didn't think he'd remember much about the closure by the end of the day when reports were written and stored away.
And even though he'd already made up his mind about never experimenting with his own feelings ever again, he couldn't help but try and risk another punch when they sat in the plane back to D.C. with Paula in the back all by herself. He couldn't let Kate get to her, keep her company and try to fix anything. He couldn't let her interfere, so he straightened his shoulders, keeping up his defenses and act like everything was okay, only one thing playing in his head over and over.
That maybe by pretending, the disappointment wouldn't hurt so much. And the longer he pretended, maybe at one point the pain would dissolve into nothingness. At least he would never stop hoping.
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Thanks to those who read this to the end. If you actually found a liking in this I would be happy about any comment. Critisism is always appreciated, don't hold back, just tell me what you think and how I might improve. Just got out of a very bad and long writer's block and I still need to find the easy flow, I lost somewhere on my way to this piece. I really hope it's an acceptable beginning.