Rated M for language

[A/N: I stumbled on old unit manuals a few weeks ago and this story was inspired. The whole unit manual idea reminds me of a manga called Absolute Boyfriend. I recommend it if you haven't already read it! I do not own Hetalia or the unit manuals (though I did make some changes for the story).]

Chapter 1: The Worst and the Best

"Furious. I. Am. FURIOUS!"

My rage knew no bounds as I stomped back and forth in the living room of my tiny apartment. The painted walls - their color was supposed to be soothing - weren't helping my temper this time. And despite the thick carpeting, I was positive that my downstairs neighbor was getting an earful of my rage dump. It wouldn't be the first time.

But screw everybody, I was furious and that gave me the right to screech at the top of my lungs!

"Those motherf*ckers! I can't believe they would do this to me!" I looked at my belongings and was tempted to give in to one of my destructive rages, but I reconsidered quickly. After all, I like my stuff.

This was all my family's fault! Partly my parents but mostly my brother. The little drama-queen was always having some issue or other; half the time he was just imagining it, and the rest of the time he was all worked up over something stupid. It was always, "Oh, my boyfriend broke up with me," or "James said something mean!" Always stupid.

Finally I couldn't stand my bubbling fury anymore so I stomped over to my couch and grabbed up my Mac. Fanfiction would cheer me up.

Tap, tap-tap, tap. Before long I was reading one of my favorites and the acidic feeling in my gut was starting to diminish. Hetalia fics were better than any anger management program out there. And I, August Garcia, certainly could use one.

Then a banner ad caught my attention. At first I didn't understand what I was seeing; the words were all familiar but they were put together in a strange order.

Limited Time Offer! Hetalia Units version 3.0 - Now they're even better! Order soon!

I hovered my mouse over the ad while I considered. I thought I remembered hearing internet "whispers" about anime "units" but it'd been years and I was drawing a blank. What was a unit?

Eh, what the hell. I clicked the ad - fanfiction could wait.

Suddenly all my internet windows closed and I was brought back to my desktop. Thoughts of a virus ran through my mind, but before I could regret clicking the banner a new internet window popped up. Lime green - or maybe I should say mint green - script was scrawled across the top of the page. It read 'Flying Mint Bunny Inc.' and Flying Mint Bunny himself was seated in the center holding a sign to enter the shop. That was all I needed to see to keep going and I clicked the sign to enter.

The screen refreshed and a numbered list appeared. I leaned in to read it.

1. All purchases subject to secrecy clause. Read it here.

2. All units subject to comprehensive manufacturer's warranty on hardware and software.

3. Must be 18 or older to order from this site!

Well, none of those were any problem for me. I knew how to keep my trap shut and I had just turned 21 today.

Remembering that brought back my anger and I clicked the "NEXT" button a little harder than necessary. The screen refreshed again and now read "Flying Mint Bunny Inc. presents The Unit Shop"; below that was the usual sales pitch text and below that was FMB again saying "Let's get started!"

I know it's the company name but they really gotta ease up on the FMB references. I clicked on the adorable rabbit and a new window opened.

"Congratulations!" I read. "You're our one billionth customer! Order one unit and get a second free!"

Well, hey now. Happy birthday to August.

There was a link below the announcement that caught my interest. It said "Click here to view our unit pairs." I clicked, anticipating that I would see pairs like GerIta, FrUK, and USUK.

I wasn't disappointed but apparently the pair shop was more extensive than I expected. There were several subgroups to choose from: Friends, Enemies, Lovers, Frienemies, Siblings, Rivals, and so on. It was hard to know where to begin.

Randomly I clicked on a category and clicked on a pair of units. Really, any two Hetalia characters would be fine by me - there were some I liked better than others but they were all equally nutty.

And speaking of nutty… it turned out I had chosen America and Britain from the Rivals category. Some alternative options for those two were displayed: from Enemies, a haggard younger America and a red-coated Britain; from Siblings, a young Britain and a tiny chibi version of America; from Friends, Britain and America looked the same as the anime except in modern clothes. But overall I was satisfied and I clicked the "NEXT" button again.

It brought me to a page titled "Accessories". Initially sorted by popularity, there was a list of items that went along with the two units I had chosen. The top two were unsurprising: Flying Mint Bunny and Tony the Alien. Popular accessories for Britain also included magic books and chalk, a unicorn (I wasn't sure I believed that one), and a fancy set of tea china. America's most popular accessories were an unlimited McDonald's giftcard, three pairs of superhero pajamas, and a suit in the pattern of the American flag.

I picked the McDonald's giftcard straightaway - with the way America ate in the anime, I would need it. But I steered far clear of the magic books - I didn't need to give Britain any ammo if he got into one of his moods. So I chose the tea set for him. I also ordered them both a few sets of regular clothes. And at the very end I gave in and picked out Flying Mint Bunny, more for myself than for Britain. From there I proceeded to the checkout.

My eyes bugged out when I saw the final price. Even just one of these things was worth a kidney! But that was why I had memorized my mom's credit card number. Consider it a makeup present for forgetting my big day.

The checkout went smoothly, and at the very end Flying Mint Bunny popped up again.

"Thank you for your purchase! Your order should arrive in 7 to 10 days! Enjoy~!"