Night was closing in fast on the Lunar landscape, but deep within what they had termed the Final Dungeon, a party of five intrepid warriors couldn't have cared less. All they knew was that they had just fought two Dark Bones and one Plague monster for a prize of two Ribbons and the Lance of White, which in summation meant that they were half-dead with exhaustion. Thus, the discovery of a safe chamber deep within the caverns seemed to be nothing less than a blessing from the gods. Unfortunately, they overlooked one problem:
Three men.
Two women.
One tent.
"Okay," Cecil began, taking charge of the situation, "Kain, Rydia, stand watch by the south entrance. Me and Rosa'll get the tent put up. Edge- unpack the gear, would you?"
Everybody nodded, except for Rydia who began to grumble concerning 'traitor-boy' and something about throwing. Rosa quickly dumped her travelling pack on the floor of the chamber and began to unroll the groundsheet for the tent, looking dismayed as she did so.
"Cecil," she said in an undertone, "We have thirty square feet of tent for five people. You, me, Kain, Rydia, and Edge. This is not going to work."
Cecil shrugged. "We haven't had any problems before," he pointed out, loosening the Crystal Sword's scabbard from his belt and dropping it with an audible sigh of relief. "Damn, that thing's heavy."
The white mage nodded. "Yes, we haven't had any problems before. But the last time we slept in one of these caverns, two things were different: (1) we had FuSoYa instead of Kain, (2) we had a cabin that time. Cabins are enchanted to be much wider on the inside, plus they are warmer and sturdier. Tents are not. Tents are cold, drafty, small, and not constructed to block out the snoring of a certain Dragoon whom I will do a great favor by not naming."
"And," Cecil said, cottoning on, "The last time we had a tent, Edge was poisoned and unconscious. Thirty square feet containing a Paladin, a white mage, and a Dragoon, plus a ninja, and a Caller. A ninja who is constantly trying to hit on said Caller, and a Caller who is more than willing to become magically violent against said ninja. Why am I suddenly worried?"
"Because you're intelligent," Rosa said, smiling. She planted a quick kiss on Cecil's cheek. "Then again, I could always steal the Lance of White and whack them both over the head. Think that would solve the problem?"
Cecil shrugged. "I don't know, Rosa," he replied, reluctantly dragging a rapidly wandering mind back onto the matter of tentpoles and pegs. But *damn* she looked great in that outfit . . . MIND! TENT! RYDIA! EDGE! DISASTER! Okay, better. "I have a feeling Edge would Blitz you for that, and then I would be obligated to slice and dice his Eblanian hiney. And, of course, there's the Rydia + unconsciousness + awakening = Bahamut equation, which I'm not all that eager to compute, if you catch my drift."
"I do," Rosa said. "It's still a thought. Do you have any earplugs?"
"No. Why?"
"Alright, you can borrow mine."
"Thanks. Again, why?"
"I told you before, Kain snores. And here's an equation for you: Kain snoring + Edge talking his head off + Rydia swearing loudly enough to make the cavern collapse = what?"
Cecil shuddered. "No need to answer that one. But isn't the purpose of a tent to, you know, relax and get some sleep or something?"
"In this group?" Rosa looked skeptical. "Cecil, I thought *I* was supposed to be the naive innocent."
6:35 PM
Paladin's Log, Stardate 93758765831261900CALLCONNEX8222236: Everything going well so far. Settled in around what I estimate is close to sundown, after making sure Rydia sealed the door against monsters. Swept the chamber twice, found nothing that could potentially eat us. Arrangement as follows:
_________________________
----------------------------
KAIN
RYDIA EDGE CECIL
ROSA
---------X-----------------
___X____________________
X = door
__ = rock wall
-- = tent wall
All seems to be going well. However, due to the incendiary proximity of Ninja to Caller, I can only speculate that this is going to be an interesting night. Earplugs primed and ready.
6:38 PM
"Edge, move your elbow!" Rydia hissed into the darkness. "It's poking me right in the back!"
"That's not me, beautiful," Edge replied. "I'm nowhere near you. Probably a rock or something. However, if you want me to-"
"NO. But whatever it was, it just moved. Edge, I'm telling you . . ."
"And I'm telling you, it's not me. That's the power of wishful thinking, babe."
Rydia clenched her teeth and went into a muttered tirade, beginning with some of the more foul-mouthed litany she had learned from Cid and delicately expanding upon the subjects introduced with a selection of Summoned Monster profanity.
"Rydia," Rosa said wearily, "Please, watch the language. If you must call Edge that, do it at some time when we're not all trying to sleep. That last phrase put way too many weird images into my mind."
"Sorry," Rydia said sulkily, but shifted over a good two feet to her right. Edge, taking her movement as a personal insult, followed her.
The score:
KAIN
RYDIAEDGE CECIL
ROSA
"Aaaah, legroom," Cecil sighed, and stretched out his limbs. Now Rydia and Edge were unable to shift back. More muttered profanity in both Eblanian and the Summon dialect was distinctly heard.
6:59 PM
"What is that smell?" Kain demanded, breaking the silence which was just beginning to send everyone to sleep.
Cecil sniffed the air. "Dunno," he said. "Smells like burnt rubber."
"No." Rosa took a whiff of the scent. "More like recycled Gin-Ryu soup . . . which we had this morning. Who ate that stuff?"
Three heads turned in the direction of Edge and Rydia.
"Wasn't me!" they declared simultaneously. The Caller and the ninja shared a quick look, then pointed accusing fingers at each other.
"It was him!"
"It was her!"
"Liar!"
"Look who's talking!"
"Oh yeah, that's *real* smooth, hotshot!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who smells like a wet dog!"
"Why you-"
"Don't say it. You want me, don't you."
"Bastard!"
SMACK.
"Missed me, missed me! Nyah nyah!"
"Grrrrrr! I'll get you if it's the last thing I do, you overblown freak!"
"WOULD YOU TWO CAN IT?!" Cecil roared. The two froze. "Blame me for the smell, I don't care! Just SHUT YOUR GODSDAMNED MOUTHS AND LET US SLEEP!"
Crickets.
"THANK you." the Paladin snapped, rolling over and scooting down next to Rosa. The white mage moved to make room, then wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. Sighing, Cecil ran one hand through Rosa's hair, praying that Edge and Rydia would have taken the hint. Maybe, just maybe, they would-
Wait. Hissing whispers. Coming from the northwest wall of the tent.
"I think we just got in trouble." Rydia.
"Sheesh, really?" Edge. That bantering tone belayed impending trouble, and Cecil tensed.
"I don't see what his problem was, anyway. We were just having a friendly discussion, and he has to go and blow his stack like that."
"Definitely not fair. We should get him for that."
"You think so too?"
"Yeah. I've even got a plan-" ::whisper whisper whisper::
Cecil shivered. Oh gods, what were they thinking?
7:42 PM
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Si- "SNARRGGGGGHHXXXXXXKHSNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHAAAALLRRRNXXXKKKKKKGRAAAGHKKN!"
-lence.
Edge cursed, rolling over and pounding his sleeping mat in frustration. Sure, he loved an unholy racket as much as the next crown prince, but there were limits . . . and he'd just been drifting off, too! What the hell was that noise?
"Rydia?" he whispered. Unfortunately, the hybrid Black Mage/Caller was dead to the world, and Edge knew full well the penalty for disturbing her beauty sleep. Turning a bit, the ninja managed to do a complete 180 and put his head next to her feet, close to where Rosa and Cecil lay.
"Hey, either of you guys awake?" he hissed.
"Just me," Rosa said quietly, trying not to disturb Cecil. "Kain woke you up, too?"
"That godsawful racket is *Kain?*"
"Yep. He snores. You didn't know?"
"Nope."
"GHAAAARRRKKNNXXNXNXNNXNNNNNXSHHKKAAARNNGH!"
Edge winced. "I knew we should've killed him when we had the chance."
"Don't say that!" Rosa whisper-scolded. "He's a good man, even if he *does* wake the dead everytime he takes an afternoon nap. Can you do the honors? I'm in kind of a bad position." She gestured to Cecil's arms, which were firmly wrapped around her waist even as the Paladin slumbered.
"Two questions. Do the what? And how can he sleep through this?"
"Two answers. Turn Kain over, that'll stop the snoring. And earplugs."
"Ah." Edge nodded. "Must be some damn thick earplugs." Turning again, he wriggled out of his sleeping bag and crept over to where the sleeping Dragoon lay. "Okeydokey . . . turn him over . . . right."
Using all his ninja finesse and skill, Edge managed to invert the unconscious Dragoon. However, there was a slight problem . . .
"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHXXXXXXXXXXXXXXKKKKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRLAAAAGH!"
"It's gotten worse!" Edge yelled, desperately clamping his hands over his ears. "Rosa! HELP!"
"I can't!" Rosa yelled back. "That should've worked!"
"Well, it didn't! What'm I supposed to do?"
"Try covering his face with the pillow!" she screamed.
"You're a white mage, dammit! Even you ought to know that would smother him!"
"I don't care! I'll bring him back to life in the morning! Just DO IT!"
Edge turned around, seeing no other course of action- and nearly tripped over the very awake and alert Rydia, who had been awoken by the commotion. "Don't bother, hotshot!" she howled over the roaring of Kain's nasal passages. "::mumblemumblemumblemumbleSILENCE!"
One second later, it was suddenly very quiet in the tent.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Edge said, nearly weeping with relief as he collapsed back onto his sleeping mat. "Rydia, I'd kiss you for that, but I know you'd kill me. So let me just settle with saying that I love you, babe."
"'S okay," Rydia replied, smirking slightly. "I take my thanks where I can get it." With that, she promptly jumped the astonished ninja, trapping him in a full liplock before he knew what was going on. However, like most men when a beautiful and desirable woman expresses affection for them, Edge quickly caught on and was soon sprinting for second base, wink wink nudge nudge. Rosa hated to interfere, but if one thing was guarenteed to awaken Cecil in a cranky mood, noisy intimacy was it.
"Uh- guys-" Somehow, using only her hands, Rosa was able to separate the pair for a couple of seconds. "Can you, you know, hold off on that stuff until *after* we've killed Zemus? After all, we all need rest to regain our magic, and that kind of *ahem* activity does not qualify as rest."
Rydia and Edge were visibly disappointed, but they managed to separate and both promptly fell asleep. Rosa shook her head.
"Young people . . ."
It is not necessary to describe the various incidentss which punctuated the remainder of the night, including Cecil's near-psychotic episode, the culmination of Edge and Rydia's scheme, and the result of Kain's nightmare about the Fabulian karate fighter in drag. Suffice to say that, when dawn broke at about four AM and seeped in through a chink in the cavern roof, it happened upon the following arrangement:
_______________________________
-------------------------
EDGE
RYDIA CECIL
ROSA
K
------------A-----------
____________I__________________
N
Frightened, the dawn promptly retreated to the surface of the Moon and vowed not to go down into the depths of those caverns again. Too many weird creatures, too many weird happenings, it decided, fanning itself heatedly with a stray cumulus cloud. Thank goodness that nice Zemus man was still here to keep things in order- yes, no need to worry as long as he was around . . .
Three men.
Two women.
One tent.
"Okay," Cecil began, taking charge of the situation, "Kain, Rydia, stand watch by the south entrance. Me and Rosa'll get the tent put up. Edge- unpack the gear, would you?"
Everybody nodded, except for Rydia who began to grumble concerning 'traitor-boy' and something about throwing. Rosa quickly dumped her travelling pack on the floor of the chamber and began to unroll the groundsheet for the tent, looking dismayed as she did so.
"Cecil," she said in an undertone, "We have thirty square feet of tent for five people. You, me, Kain, Rydia, and Edge. This is not going to work."
Cecil shrugged. "We haven't had any problems before," he pointed out, loosening the Crystal Sword's scabbard from his belt and dropping it with an audible sigh of relief. "Damn, that thing's heavy."
The white mage nodded. "Yes, we haven't had any problems before. But the last time we slept in one of these caverns, two things were different: (1) we had FuSoYa instead of Kain, (2) we had a cabin that time. Cabins are enchanted to be much wider on the inside, plus they are warmer and sturdier. Tents are not. Tents are cold, drafty, small, and not constructed to block out the snoring of a certain Dragoon whom I will do a great favor by not naming."
"And," Cecil said, cottoning on, "The last time we had a tent, Edge was poisoned and unconscious. Thirty square feet containing a Paladin, a white mage, and a Dragoon, plus a ninja, and a Caller. A ninja who is constantly trying to hit on said Caller, and a Caller who is more than willing to become magically violent against said ninja. Why am I suddenly worried?"
"Because you're intelligent," Rosa said, smiling. She planted a quick kiss on Cecil's cheek. "Then again, I could always steal the Lance of White and whack them both over the head. Think that would solve the problem?"
Cecil shrugged. "I don't know, Rosa," he replied, reluctantly dragging a rapidly wandering mind back onto the matter of tentpoles and pegs. But *damn* she looked great in that outfit . . . MIND! TENT! RYDIA! EDGE! DISASTER! Okay, better. "I have a feeling Edge would Blitz you for that, and then I would be obligated to slice and dice his Eblanian hiney. And, of course, there's the Rydia + unconsciousness + awakening = Bahamut equation, which I'm not all that eager to compute, if you catch my drift."
"I do," Rosa said. "It's still a thought. Do you have any earplugs?"
"No. Why?"
"Alright, you can borrow mine."
"Thanks. Again, why?"
"I told you before, Kain snores. And here's an equation for you: Kain snoring + Edge talking his head off + Rydia swearing loudly enough to make the cavern collapse = what?"
Cecil shuddered. "No need to answer that one. But isn't the purpose of a tent to, you know, relax and get some sleep or something?"
"In this group?" Rosa looked skeptical. "Cecil, I thought *I* was supposed to be the naive innocent."
6:35 PM
Paladin's Log, Stardate 93758765831261900CALLCONNEX8222236: Everything going well so far. Settled in around what I estimate is close to sundown, after making sure Rydia sealed the door against monsters. Swept the chamber twice, found nothing that could potentially eat us. Arrangement as follows:
_________________________
----------------------------
KAIN
RYDIA EDGE CECIL
ROSA
---------X-----------------
___X____________________
X = door
__ = rock wall
-- = tent wall
All seems to be going well. However, due to the incendiary proximity of Ninja to Caller, I can only speculate that this is going to be an interesting night. Earplugs primed and ready.
6:38 PM
"Edge, move your elbow!" Rydia hissed into the darkness. "It's poking me right in the back!"
"That's not me, beautiful," Edge replied. "I'm nowhere near you. Probably a rock or something. However, if you want me to-"
"NO. But whatever it was, it just moved. Edge, I'm telling you . . ."
"And I'm telling you, it's not me. That's the power of wishful thinking, babe."
Rydia clenched her teeth and went into a muttered tirade, beginning with some of the more foul-mouthed litany she had learned from Cid and delicately expanding upon the subjects introduced with a selection of Summoned Monster profanity.
"Rydia," Rosa said wearily, "Please, watch the language. If you must call Edge that, do it at some time when we're not all trying to sleep. That last phrase put way too many weird images into my mind."
"Sorry," Rydia said sulkily, but shifted over a good two feet to her right. Edge, taking her movement as a personal insult, followed her.
The score:
KAIN
RYDIAEDGE CECIL
ROSA
"Aaaah, legroom," Cecil sighed, and stretched out his limbs. Now Rydia and Edge were unable to shift back. More muttered profanity in both Eblanian and the Summon dialect was distinctly heard.
6:59 PM
"What is that smell?" Kain demanded, breaking the silence which was just beginning to send everyone to sleep.
Cecil sniffed the air. "Dunno," he said. "Smells like burnt rubber."
"No." Rosa took a whiff of the scent. "More like recycled Gin-Ryu soup . . . which we had this morning. Who ate that stuff?"
Three heads turned in the direction of Edge and Rydia.
"Wasn't me!" they declared simultaneously. The Caller and the ninja shared a quick look, then pointed accusing fingers at each other.
"It was him!"
"It was her!"
"Liar!"
"Look who's talking!"
"Oh yeah, that's *real* smooth, hotshot!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who smells like a wet dog!"
"Why you-"
"Don't say it. You want me, don't you."
"Bastard!"
SMACK.
"Missed me, missed me! Nyah nyah!"
"Grrrrrr! I'll get you if it's the last thing I do, you overblown freak!"
"WOULD YOU TWO CAN IT?!" Cecil roared. The two froze. "Blame me for the smell, I don't care! Just SHUT YOUR GODSDAMNED MOUTHS AND LET US SLEEP!"
Crickets.
"THANK you." the Paladin snapped, rolling over and scooting down next to Rosa. The white mage moved to make room, then wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. Sighing, Cecil ran one hand through Rosa's hair, praying that Edge and Rydia would have taken the hint. Maybe, just maybe, they would-
Wait. Hissing whispers. Coming from the northwest wall of the tent.
"I think we just got in trouble." Rydia.
"Sheesh, really?" Edge. That bantering tone belayed impending trouble, and Cecil tensed.
"I don't see what his problem was, anyway. We were just having a friendly discussion, and he has to go and blow his stack like that."
"Definitely not fair. We should get him for that."
"You think so too?"
"Yeah. I've even got a plan-" ::whisper whisper whisper::
Cecil shivered. Oh gods, what were they thinking?
7:42 PM
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Si- "SNARRGGGGGHHXXXXXXKHSNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHAAAALLRRRNXXXKKKKKKGRAAAGHKKN!"
-lence.
Edge cursed, rolling over and pounding his sleeping mat in frustration. Sure, he loved an unholy racket as much as the next crown prince, but there were limits . . . and he'd just been drifting off, too! What the hell was that noise?
"Rydia?" he whispered. Unfortunately, the hybrid Black Mage/Caller was dead to the world, and Edge knew full well the penalty for disturbing her beauty sleep. Turning a bit, the ninja managed to do a complete 180 and put his head next to her feet, close to where Rosa and Cecil lay.
"Hey, either of you guys awake?" he hissed.
"Just me," Rosa said quietly, trying not to disturb Cecil. "Kain woke you up, too?"
"That godsawful racket is *Kain?*"
"Yep. He snores. You didn't know?"
"Nope."
"GHAAAARRRKKNNXXNXNXNNXNNNNNXSHHKKAAARNNGH!"
Edge winced. "I knew we should've killed him when we had the chance."
"Don't say that!" Rosa whisper-scolded. "He's a good man, even if he *does* wake the dead everytime he takes an afternoon nap. Can you do the honors? I'm in kind of a bad position." She gestured to Cecil's arms, which were firmly wrapped around her waist even as the Paladin slumbered.
"Two questions. Do the what? And how can he sleep through this?"
"Two answers. Turn Kain over, that'll stop the snoring. And earplugs."
"Ah." Edge nodded. "Must be some damn thick earplugs." Turning again, he wriggled out of his sleeping bag and crept over to where the sleeping Dragoon lay. "Okeydokey . . . turn him over . . . right."
Using all his ninja finesse and skill, Edge managed to invert the unconscious Dragoon. However, there was a slight problem . . .
"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHXXXXXXXXXXXXXXKKKKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRLAAAAGH!"
"It's gotten worse!" Edge yelled, desperately clamping his hands over his ears. "Rosa! HELP!"
"I can't!" Rosa yelled back. "That should've worked!"
"Well, it didn't! What'm I supposed to do?"
"Try covering his face with the pillow!" she screamed.
"You're a white mage, dammit! Even you ought to know that would smother him!"
"I don't care! I'll bring him back to life in the morning! Just DO IT!"
Edge turned around, seeing no other course of action- and nearly tripped over the very awake and alert Rydia, who had been awoken by the commotion. "Don't bother, hotshot!" she howled over the roaring of Kain's nasal passages. "::mumblemumblemumblemumbleSILENCE!"
One second later, it was suddenly very quiet in the tent.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Edge said, nearly weeping with relief as he collapsed back onto his sleeping mat. "Rydia, I'd kiss you for that, but I know you'd kill me. So let me just settle with saying that I love you, babe."
"'S okay," Rydia replied, smirking slightly. "I take my thanks where I can get it." With that, she promptly jumped the astonished ninja, trapping him in a full liplock before he knew what was going on. However, like most men when a beautiful and desirable woman expresses affection for them, Edge quickly caught on and was soon sprinting for second base, wink wink nudge nudge. Rosa hated to interfere, but if one thing was guarenteed to awaken Cecil in a cranky mood, noisy intimacy was it.
"Uh- guys-" Somehow, using only her hands, Rosa was able to separate the pair for a couple of seconds. "Can you, you know, hold off on that stuff until *after* we've killed Zemus? After all, we all need rest to regain our magic, and that kind of *ahem* activity does not qualify as rest."
Rydia and Edge were visibly disappointed, but they managed to separate and both promptly fell asleep. Rosa shook her head.
"Young people . . ."
It is not necessary to describe the various incidentss which punctuated the remainder of the night, including Cecil's near-psychotic episode, the culmination of Edge and Rydia's scheme, and the result of Kain's nightmare about the Fabulian karate fighter in drag. Suffice to say that, when dawn broke at about four AM and seeped in through a chink in the cavern roof, it happened upon the following arrangement:
_______________________________
-------------------------
EDGE
RYDIA CECIL
ROSA
K
------------A-----------
____________I__________________
N
Frightened, the dawn promptly retreated to the surface of the Moon and vowed not to go down into the depths of those caverns again. Too many weird creatures, too many weird happenings, it decided, fanning itself heatedly with a stray cumulus cloud. Thank goodness that nice Zemus man was still here to keep things in order- yes, no need to worry as long as he was around . . .