A/N I'm really sorry for this. I'm not even sure where it came from.
WARNING: major character death.
When Alice left him for Grigg, he'd thought that was heartbreak. He was wrong. It hadn't hurt nearly as much as this. This was so much worse than he had ever imagined. He never realized how much true heartbreak hurt.
All he could think sitting in his pantry staring at her empty chair was how stupid he had been back then. Alice had been nothing. That hurt imagined. He closed his eyes against the pain he felt now.
A small knock. His door opening and then closing. His eyes still closed he let himself imagine that She was coming to his pantry to tease him out of his melancholy as She always did, but when he opened his eyes it was Mrs. Patmore pouring his tea. She moved around the desk to arrange his hands around the cup. He sat staring into the swirl of milk and tea. She always said tea made everything better.
"How are you holding up?" Mrs. Patmore had moved a chair to sit beside him. Not Her chair. He was thankful she hadn't moved Her chair.
"Two months," he croaked. Mrs. Patmore placed her hand on his arm. It reminded him so much of Her, how She would place Her hand just there to calm him, comfort him, steady him, that he had to pull away, break the contact lest it break him. He swallowed. "TWO months."
It had been a wonderful two months, filled with more joy than he had believed possible. They had slipped easily into their new roles as husband and wife as easily as one slipped into a comfortable pair of house shoes. It was right. The Two of them together as they should be, as it was always meant to be.
But it wasn't enough.
"It's been a shock."
A shock. A shock was when She had offered him Her hand by the sea, when She had accepted his marriage proposal. This wasn't a shock. This was...
"All the arrangements have been made?" he asks staring at Her chair. Her empty chair. He hears Mrs. Patmore heave a great sigh but he doesn't look at her, won't look at her, doesn't want to see the pity in her eyes.
"Yes. They have." He nods and finally lifts the cup to his mouth. He notes fleetingly that he can't tell if the tea is hot or cold, that he can't feel his hands. But how can he feel anything with this terrible pain in his chest?
He hadn't even been the one to find Her. One of Her maids had done that. Found Her lying in the linen cupboard with an armful of clean linens, linens he should have taken from Her when She had stopped by his pantry before- before...
"It was her heart, then?"
"Yes." Dr. Clarkson had told him it had been a heart attack. Her heart had just given out on Her. The irony of it was not lost on him. If either of them were to die of heart problems it would've been him. It should've been him. She should be sitting here drinking tea with Mrs. Patmore discussing his...
But if She'd have felt even half of what he was feeling he was glad to have spared Her this. Glad to save Her this heart sickness. He took comfort in that thought. He would bear all the pain in the world for Her.
He lifted his cup again and blinked when he found it empty. Mrs. Patmore reached to take it from his hands and placed it back onto the tea tray. She stood.
"I'll say goodnight then, Mr. Carson. Will you be alright?"
"Yes. Goodnight, Mrs. Patmore," he said to Her empty chair. He felt Mrs. Patmore stare hard at him for a long moment before she took the tea tray leaving his door open behind her. He could hear her putting away the tea things in the kitchen. She was taking longer than usual. He supposed she was waiting to follow him up, make sure he didn't spend the night in his pantry. It didn't matter to him where he was. He didn't think he'd get any sleep tonight.
Everything had gone quiet in the kitchen. He should head up to their rooms, not keep Mrs. Patmore up any longer. He closed his eyes for a moment, imagining Her sitting there with him, and when he opened his eyes there She was, smiling at him over a glass of wine.
"Goodnight, Elsie," he smiled back at Her and then She was gone.
He stood then, turning off the lights in his pantry and locking the door. He met Mrs. Patmore at the end of the hallway and they climbed the stairs together. Maybe when he got to their rooms, if sleep could claim him, he would dream of Her and they would be together again as it was meant to be.