An idea just popped into my head and so I decided to pursue it.
It's different to the stories I've written so far as in it's my first not-so-happy story, so it'd be great to know if you like it or not
Enjoy!
A Tear to Bid Farewell
"If we don't go now we'll lose our slot Rach," Finn persists wringing his hands together, gazing at her, trying to gage some form acknowledgment of what he has just said.
Rachel stutters. Quinn isn't there. Ignoring Finn she looks down at her phone quickly scrolling to her inbox.
No New Messages
"We have to wait, Quinn isn't here yet," Rachel pleads meeting Finn's gaze once more.
He rolls his eyes and steps forward taking both of her hands in his. "I know this isn't ideal or anything and I know you're upset Quinn isn't here but she'll be there for everything else, for the rest of our lives Rach, don't let her ruin our day please."
The back of Rachel's eyes start to burn, this cannot be happening, she thinks to herself, Quinn has to be here. Why isn't she here? Questions start to build up and doubt forms in the small girls gut but before she can think anymore on the topic Kurt interrupts.
"Look Finn, I know you've got your heart set on this marriage happening today but maybe this is a sign. Maybe you really should reconsider getting married at a later date, I mean, what harm is it really going to do, and if you really love each other time isn't going to change that."
Kurt glances at Rachel as he speaks, although he fully believes what he is telling Finn, he can't help but feel he has a bizarre underlying motif of trying to put off the wedding and it isn't that he believes they are too young. Rachel spins in Kurt's direction still holding onto Finn's hands and mouths 'thank-you' before turning back to Finn.
"Kurt's right. We love each other and time won't change that so let's wait. Quinn isn't here and I want her to be, it wouldn't be right getting married without her. It's a sign Finn, Quinn's absence is a sign."
Finn frowns and screws his eyes up. He pulls his hands out of Rachel's grip rather roughly forgetting that he has an audience watching him. "Are you saying that, that Quinn is boycotting our wedding or something? That fate is why we can't get married today?"
"No Finn, no of course not, I love you and you know that, I just think that, well it's all too coincidental isn't it," Rachel tries to explain taking a step forward as Finn takes one backwards.
"I can't believe I'm hearing this, not now, not on my wedding day, not from you," he raises his voice at the end of the sentence a little too loudly because Burt quickly jumps in.
"Hey, don't raise your voice at Rachel when she's speaking sense Finn."
Finn turns to Burt, "Wait you're in on this as well, I thought you supported me," he says trying to catch his mother's eyes.
"I do support you, I'll support anything that you do but I think it's unfair for you to make Rachel marry you when she doesn't feel it is under the right conditions. If she wants Quinn here, there is no reason for Quinn not to be here. Getting married when you're so young is a great idea, but for the sake of Quinn not being here when you have your whole lives ahead of you to get married is ridiculous," he finishes.
"It's ludicrous Finn," Rachel continues, "I want Quinn here. If I have to wait another day or week or year I will still love you as much and this time Quinn will be there. It'll be perfect. We'll be perfect," she smiles.
Finn's face is full of visible anger, his cheeks are steadily becoming more flushed and his jaw is clenched tightly shut but before he can unleash his annoyance at everybody a knock on the door interrupts them. A lady that Rachel remembers from the reception desk enters the room without being given permission but before anyone can say anything, she is already talking.
"There is a phone call for a Miss Rachel Berry," she says calmly standing just inside of the door.
Everybody's faces are quick to fill with confusion. Everybody that Rachel knew was at the wedding and nobody else knew she was getting married so that could only leave…
"Quinn," Kurt mumbled under his breath suddenly panic stricken. "I'll get the call Rachel, you and Finn need to sort this out."
And before Rachel can protest he dashes from the room, quickly followed by the receptionist.
The interruption seems to calm Finn down a bit because his complexion is now a more normal shade of milky white with just a hint of magenta coating his cheeks. He squeezes his eyes shut and on opening them again he spoke.
"Okay, you're right, Quinn should be here, she's our friend and it wouldn't be right to get married without…"
Finn never got to finish his sentence because the doors to the room were once again being pushed open but this time it was a sheet white Kurt that entered the room, however not calmly, no, instead he is sprinting and doesn't stop until he is standing right in front of Rachel, knocking Finn out of the way.
"Something has happened to Quinn Rach, something really bad has happened to her and if you don't tell her how you feel right now," he pauses to inhale a large amount of air, "you may never get another chance," Kurt pants both his palms resting on Rachel's shoulders piercing her molten chocolate gaze with his own lakes of sapphire.
"Rachel, did you just hear me? We have to go, you have to go, and you have to go now," Kurt says shaking the brunettes shoulders ever so slightly to try and bring her out of a trance.
Rachel's mind goes blank. For a few seconds she can't even work out where she is or who all these people staring at her are. She is briefly aware that there is some form of weight pushing down on her shoulders, holding her in place but is that the weight of reality or the sudden impulse of dread cascading down from the sky and engulfing her?
Swallowing, Rachel tries to form words, she has to form words, there is no other way.
"Hurt," is all that Rachel can force out. Never has she been rendered so speechless before.
Never.
"Hurt Kurt," she says a little more forcefully although still unsure of what tone of voice she should be using. Concerned? Shocked? "Is she hurt? Is she hurt Kurt?"
He doesn't answer. The flash of uncertainty in his eyes is enough to cause a lump to form in her throat, at first it rises, she takes a step backwards feeling as if she is going to be sick, but then it starts to sink, it sinks lower and lower until it forms a knot in her stomach. A knot that cannot be undone by comforting words alone.
Still slightly unaware of her surroundings she feels Kurt's presence close to her again. A tightening sensation is felt on her wrist, she looks down and Kurt is holding her. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
Why is he apologising, Rachel starts to wonder. Quinn is hurt but that doesn't mean everything is over. She's not dead. This isn't the end. Why is he apologising? Suddenly the knot increases in size as reality starts to dawn on Rachel.
"People only say sorry when it's the end Kurt, it's not the end," Rachel replies, her voice barely above a whisper herself still completely oblivious to everyone else in the room watching the scene as it is panning out.
Kurt treads carefully around Rachel's words, "Now isn't the end, but in an hour's time we will no longer be in the now and I can't promise what that will bring. You may not have another chance Rachel, we have to go."
Warmth burns the back of Rachel's eyes until it finally gets the better of her. First of all a single tear falls, but soon after, many more follow, tracing the same lines as the first. Rachel is thankful Kurt doesn't let go of her wrists because her blurred vision won't allow her to see further than the end of her nose. Even if she could see, she doesn't think she'd be able to function as a normal human being should.
But then again, how could anybody function when the person they love is fighting off death hanging onto their final scraps of their life by the spindly threads of their memories.
Kurt now holds Rachel's hand, their fingers entwined. He guides her to his car, to the hospital, through the doors and to the reception desk of the emergency unit.
"Quinn Fabray," Kurt blurts out slightly out of breath, "She was brought in an hour ago."
The young nurse behind the reception desk nods and starts typing words onto the computer screen in front of her. Her face falls and Rachel's heart stops. Kurt squeezes her hand tighter but braces himself all the same.
"Quinn Fabray is in the third door on your left," Kurt spins around in the direction the nurse is pointing but stops when she continues, "But I have to warn you, what you are about to see will shock you and she won't be the Quinn you once remembered."
Kurt turns back to the Nurse, "How long does she have?"
The nurse opens her mouth but shuts it quickly because Rachel jumps in, "Why are you asking that, you told me she was hurt, not dying?"
Kurt closes his eyes; a single tear swims down his cheek. "I'm sorry Rachel."
There it is again, Rachel thinks to herself, that word, that pointless word.
"The extent of the impact to Quinn's internal organs means that we've had to induce her into a coma for any hope of recovery. Having said that, the prognosis is not good, visibly you will not notice a difference but internally she is bleeding. As the bleeding worsens and the infections spread the coma will start to wear off as her brain is more concerned about fighting off illness than keeping itself in a coma. The doctors have stopped many of the bleeds but due to the severe damage to blood vessels, it has become impossible to stop them all. Opening her up again and again would prolong more pain and would be pointless in the long run. She will inevitably deteriorate, I am very sorry and the doctors have done everything they could. Their main concern now is keeping Quinn is comfortable and as pain free as possible until the time comes."
Tears pour from both Kurt and Rachel's eyes. Silently they start walking towards the third door on the left. Kurt's once strong grip has now fallen into a limp grasp and neither have the energy to tighten it.
Rachel holds her hand out to open the door but Kurt stops her.
"I know about you and Quinn. I know how you feel about her and I don't have any idea how hard this is for you but I will be there by your side unless you want me to leave. I will follow you and what your wish is." Kurt lifts her hand and kisses it lightly.
The warmth of his lips on Rachel's hand causes her to feel guilty. Why should she feel warmth and love when Quinn is slowly drifting into the cold? She pulls her hand away from Kurt although she knows he's trying to help. One day she'll explain to him, one day she'll help him understand, but right now isn't the time.
Lights flash from the various machines Quinn is hooked up to. Various drips are hooked up to both of her arms but Rachel can't bring herself to ask what they're all for. The nurse was right; visibly Quinn doesn't look any different. There are no bruises or visible cuts on any part of flesh that Rachel can see, although the idea of the damage beneath Quinn's skin causes her to bring her hand to her mouth hoping to force back the bile that so quickly rose in her throat.
Quinn's honey golden locks splay out on the pillow and the calmness in her complexion is enough to fool Rachel that maybe this is a joke, maybe she is just asleep. The whirrs and bleeps of the machine quickly bring her back to reality and she finds herself groping hopelessly for Kurt's hand again.
He walks Rachel over to the bed.
"She looks like she did after she gave birth to Beth: so peaceful," Rachel mumbles to nobody in particular. "She was so happy that day. I'll never forget her smile as she first held her."
Kurt's tears fall quicker as he watches his best friend talk about Quinn in such a happy light despite the current situation.
"C…can I," she inhales and exhales trying to control the flood of tears that are waiting to escape, "Can I touch her?" Rachel stutters to the doctor writing on a clipboard in the corner of the room.
"Of course. I'm going to leave, I will be at the reception, call me if you need anything but at this point there is nothing else I can do," the tall dark haired doctor replies before leaving the room taking the clipboard with him.
Rachel picks up Quinn's hand and is shocked by how warm she still feels. She wonders if Quinn can feel her. If she talks, will she be able to hear her?
"Tell her Rach," Kurt pushes.
"I can't. I can't," she repeats over and over again, void of all feeling.
"Yes you can, you have to, for her, for Quinn."
Emptiness is all Rachel can feel. She is void of all emotion. If she blocks everything out it might as well not be happening. She can't feel the hurt and the upset of the impending loss she is about to face. How selfish of Kurt to want her to feel and talk about it? How unfair on Quinn. Why should she feel when Quinn can't?
Why should Rachel live when Quinn will never have the chance again?
"You'll never have another chance."
"What if she can't hear me?"
"It's a risk you have to take."
"I'll never know how she feels back, I can't live not knowing."
"Sometimes not knowing is better because then we can form ideas of what it could have been like whether it was true or not. This way you can always imagine she reciprocates how you feel."
Rachel draws in a deep breath and takes a further step forward to the bed not realising she'd been holding Quinn's hand from a distance. She lets go of Kurt's and takes Quinn's in both.
"When I said we were friends, you said kind of. I'm glad you said that, I'm glad you didn't say we were friends because it gave me the hope that maybe we were more than that. Maybe we always were and now I can only hope that we always would have been. But I'll never know for sure," Rachel sobs.
She wants it to be short and sweet for she doesn't know how long Quinn has.
"I forgive you Quinn, for everything, I forgive you for it all and even if you never loved me quite the way I wanted you to, that doesn't matter, it doesn't matter because we were kind of friends, and there was always the hope for something more, unfortunately though, it was the hope we never got and the chance we never had. I love you Lucy Quinn Fabray."
Rachel continues to hold Quinn's hands while the bleeps of the machines continue. She loses track of time but somewhere after the ten minute range she feels Kurt wrap his arms around her shoulders hugging her from behind. He leans his head sideways into the crook of her neck staring out of the door just listening to the sounds of Rachel's sobs, mixing with his own and how it helps to drown out the sounds of the machines.
"Are you still going to marry Finn?" Kurt finds himself asking.
Silence meets his ears as Rachel doesn't respond, "Sorry, it's not the right time to ask," he apologises.
"No," Rachel replies shakily, "No it's fine, don't be sorry. I'm not going to marry Finn, not now, and probably not ever. I will marry, but not him."
"Why not?"
"Because he wants my heart," she sighs, "but Quinn has already got it and wherever she goes next, it'll travel with her."
Kurt strengthens his hug, "Why were you going to?"
"Because he really loves me and I love him, but I love him no more than a best friend. I wanted to settle for something I knew I could live with, something I knew I could never damage or lose - what I should've settled for was something, more to the point, someone I can't live without. That's Quinn."
Kurt smiles and twists his head to look at Quinn. Rachel is right, she does look peaceful. He hopes she is dreaming. He hopes she can hear Rachel.
"Is it wrong to call her mine Kurt?" Rachel asks tentatively.
"No. Nobody will ever know. I will never tell. These last moments are your own, yours and Quinn's, share them how you wish."
"But what if she doesn't know, what if they are just my last moments."
"Look," Kurt points not even managing to believe it himself. "Look," he says again.
Rachel peers at Quinn's face and notices that a solitary tear has fallen from Quinn's left eye. It rolls slowly down her cheek. The watery streak left behind on Quinn's cheek will be the only sign Rachel will ever have of knowing that Quinn was able to understand her words.
"She heard me," Rachel whispers tears pooling in her own eyes once more, "but how, the nurse said that…"
Rachel's sentence dies in her mouth as right on cue the bleeping quickens and the once green symbol starts to flash red.
Rachel panics.
It can't be the end it just can't. There are so many things Rachel wants them to do together. Quinn being so peaceful has deluded Rachel into the idea of believing that Quinn will still be okay.
Kurt dashes to the door and shouts for the doctor who drops what he's doing and rushes into the room.
"Quinn is starting to come out of her coma; she only has minutes at best before we have to start resuscitation."
Rachel doesn't know who to turn to or what to say. She hasn't yet said goodbye. How is she to say goodbye?
"Say goodbye and start to let go," Kurt cries into Rachel's shoulder, "I'll go first."
Kurt walks to the other side of Quinn's bed bends over her body and kisses her feather lightly on her forehead and then on her cheek, "I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through, you didn't deserve any of it. Rachel really does love you and I promise to take good care of her. Watch down on her okay, look out for her."
Kurt steps away and moves back to Rachel. More doctors have filed their way into the room and are impatiently waiting around the bed to start reviving Quinn.
"I hope you heard Quinn, I hope you heard it all. I love you Lucy Quinn Fabray, my kind of friend. Sleep well and sweet dreams," Rachel finishes warm tears coating her blotchy cheeks. She leans slowly forward and kisses Quinn firmly on the mouth before pulling away sobbing uncontrollably.
The next few moments are a blur for Rachel. She is tugged backwards by Kurt as the team of doctors start doing things to Quinn's body that Rachel can't quite see.
The doctors press down hard on Quinn's fragile body with every attempt to get her heart starting again. The buzz of voices merge into one but all she can think of is that they are slamming their heavy hands down on Quinn's chest, just an inch away from where her heart lay. The heart that has Rachel captivated, the one that she can't let go of; not just yet.
Suddenly Rachel distinguishes one word between the mash of noise, "defibrillator."
She isn't ready to let go, but when that word hits her heart over and over again she feels a tightening feeling in her chest and realises that she doesn't want to prolong Quinn's pain any longer. Rachel wants her to be peaceful and happy and if that means she is no longer in this world, except in memory, then so be it.
The sound of the defibrillator hits Quinn's chest and Rachel winces. She can feel it in her own heart, electricity coursing through her veins, trying to make something start that just wants to be left alone. Rachel can't find the will to talk. She opens her mouth but struggles to form words, however as the Doctor's shout "clear!" for the second time, Rachel knows she is ready to let go.
"Stop," Rachel whispers but when nothing happens, she speaks louder, more sincere, "Stop, I want you to stop. She's gone. She's not coming back."
The doctors stop their ministrations to look at one another. They nod.
"I'll call it," the same doctor as who was in the room earlier says, "Time of death 6:14pm."
No longer sure of her own body weight or aware of anything other than emptiness, Rachel collapses silently into Kurt. He grabs her firmly around her waist and pulls her closely into a tight knit hug running his hands softly through her hair whispering sweet words of comfort into her ear.
He knows it won't make a difference. He knows how it feels to lose someone you love and have everyone tell you that it'll be okay.
A nurse enters the room pulling Quinn's blanket up and over her face. Rachel feels as if they're trying to hide her, pretend she isn't there.
Rachel doesn't know what to do, where to look or who to talk to because all she wants to do is shout. She wants to shout at the top of her lungs until her voice goes hoarse. She wants her voice to go hoarse, because she needs to make sure Quinn knows that she loves her. But she doesn't have the energy. She knows it is the end and that one single tear was enough to tell Rachel that Quinn heard her, understood and reciprocated her feelings.
It would have to be.
It'd be nice to know what you guys think (:
Anyone who is reading "When I Deserve You", the update is just around the corner!
Thank-you for reading!