30 hours
The silent comm badge was dead weight in her palm. Kathryn closed her fingers around it and squeezed. Turning she looked toward Chakoty. A wane smile tugged at his lips. Regret filled his eyes.
Kathryn dropped the small piece of metal as if it was burned her. Tossing it on the table, she stomped from their home.
Home.
Walking into the jungle through the clearing, Kathryn wrapped her arms around her middle. Never would she have thought it possible when they had been resuscitated from cryo tubes that this tan grey box could be home. But now only weeks later, that was exactly what this planet, this shelter, this man had become: home. She realized it hadn't been just one moment, just one event; little by little Chakotay had crafted their dwelling to a place of laughter and of love. He'd built them a home.
And it was all being taken away from her.
"Kathryn," Chakotay came after her. He pushed aside branches and leaves as he trailed behind Kathryn tumbled journey through the jungle. His voice and his movements drew her attention behind her in the jungle.
Their jungle. Their world. Air compressed out of her lungs and for the life of her, she couldn't seem to gather enough oxygen to fill them back up. His hand snaked out and grabbed hold of her arm stopping her flight.
"Wait. Kathryn, where are you going?" His voice tender and soothing.
The sound of her name on his lips sent a ripple of desire through her. That was going to be lost as well. How could he be calm when their world was literally being snatched away from them? Anger, caused by Tuvoc, surfaced full force and turned itself toward Chakotay.
She jerked her arm from his grip. "How can you be so bloody clam? They are coming back for us."
"I know."
"They found a cure."
"I know."
Pulling herself up to her full height. "We can't be together on Voyager."
There was a pause. "I know."
"So how are you so calm? Or has this been a way of just passing the time? Something meaningless to you?
Anger sparked in his eyes igniting them to a brilliant brown. He stepped into the space between them. "Don't down grade my feelings, Kathryn. Don't. You. Dare."
Her heartbeat skipped. Chakotay's warrior side always had that effect. Even from the first moments they had faced each other on the bridge of Voyager, Kathryn had glimpsed the thinly veiled power that radiated from him. A reason she'd kept him at arm's length. Her soul had responded to the similarities of his tight control he held onto his power like she wore a mask of cold indifference. His mask was of calm peacefulness.
Over the weeks since the night of his Angry Warrior's legend, Kathryn had enjoyed putting aside her mask as much as she had enjoyed seeing behind the mask Chakotay hid his emotion.
The passion Chakotay brought to their debates, his art and their love making, freed Kathryn like no other. Aboard Voyager, she had had hints of how lost she could become in this man and it scared her, now on New Earth it thrilled.
Here, Kathryn had come to know herself better each day and she knew that of the three men she had been involved with in her life, Chakotay would have been the one she had to fear the most. Justin had been solitary and stoic. It had been a victory winning him over. Losing him had almost destroyed her. Mark had been safe. She could always hold a part of herself back. Keep him at a safe distance. But Chakotay…Chakotay and she were evenly matched. He deferred to command because he chose, but here on the planet allowing equal footing, the two of them had fit together perfectly.
There would be no coming back from losing him.
Tears washed away her anger and she deflated in on herself. Maybe this was for the best.
In an instant, Chakotay strong arms entwined around her and they both sank to the ground. She nested on his lap, his back resting against a tree.
He allowed her tears to run their course and didn't try to offer more comfort than his presence and his touch. When her eyes dried, she was spent.
Captains don't cry. She heard her father's voice clearly in her head. She was five and had broken her wrist on one of their camping trips. She'd dried her eyes then and now she did the same.
"I don't want to go back."
"I know."
With a glare, she said, "why do you keep saying 'I know?'?"
"What else could I possibly say? Voyager is returning for us and we have to back. Is there anything else?"
Anger threatened to resurface. He must have read it in her eyes, because Chakotay's arms squeezed around her. Finality settled over her. Her respite was over. She scanned the area. From where they sat, she could just see the shelter and the edge of her small garden. Pain and loss threatened to summon the tears again. She'd never see her tomatoes grow and ripen.
Nor would she see just how the seeds of love germinate and grow.
In the distance, the sounds of the river whispered an invitation that she would have to decline. They never would be able to explore the river's water in a hand craft boat. She wanted to cry again. Mourn the loss of all that had come so very precious to her.
Lifting her head, she stared into warm eyes the color rich coffee. Love brimmed in those eyes and also a resignation.
They had to return. There was no choice.
Crying wasn't going to change a thing. Only make the parting that much harder for them both.
Wiping her cheeks and taking a deep breath she settled into her fate. It was time for Captain Janeway to report for her duty shift. A seventy year duty shift getting Voyage home.
She rose. "We have thirty hours before Voyager is in orbit."
He rose and lifted his hand then brought it to her cheek.
Captain Janeway's spine snapped ridged drawing just enough space between them to avoid his caress. Tears were still too close to the surface as if her captain's mask did fit anymore. "We should begin to pack, Commander."
Space. She needed space to learn how to refit herself into her role as captain. Once, being a captain had been the sole panicle of achievement, now it was an albatross around her neck. Yet she couldn't let her people down. No, that was her mission. Her penance for stranding so far from home. How dare her forever forgetting she had gotten them all into this mess.
She didn't deserve to happy. Fate was just taunting her in showing her what true happiness could be found in arms of the man she loved. Then ripping it away.
He stepped closer again. "We have thirty hours…"
Kathryn smiled and sighed a bit. "And so very much to do."
Another pause. "Yes, ma'am."
They worked side by side. Not speaking. The shelter would remain standing, but all of Voyager's equipment needed to packed and stored for transport. They moved around the shelter in a silent dance making sure they never came into contact with each other. Chakotay carefully packed his sand paintings. Kathryn packed her books.
When she dumped the remaining seed pods next to her bathtub, she ruthlessly shoved down her emotions and continued working.
Dinner was a sober and solemn affair. No laughter or long gazes. No more of the intimacy they had developed over the past weeks. Only the sound of their utensils against the plates filled the room. And what she missed and would miss most of all: there was no touching.
Since the night Chakotay had massaged her sore neck and told her the romantically sweet Angry Warrior's Legend, they had spent a considerable amount of time touching. As a flower craved sunlight, she had come to crave contact with Chakotay.
The command structure necessary on Voyager had kept her isolated from the crew. They needed her to be larger than life. Star Fleet had strict protocol about fraternization but stuck in the Delta Quadrant the same rules didn't apply. Yet touching led to familiarity and the crew didn't need a friend, they needed a leader which left her untouchable, literarily as well as figuratively.
But here on New Earth, it was if she had been trying to reclaim 18 months of physical contact. Many times on the bridge, Kathryn had fought the silly notion of climbing over the console that separated her chair from her first officer's. She smiled at how Tuvoc would have responded had she given into temptation and snuggled into Chakotay's lap.
Now she didn't have to wonder what being close to her first officer was like, she knew first hand and she'd miss it. More than any boat or bathtub, she'd miss his touch.
For now, they just continued to eat in silence until Chakoty slammed down his fork.
"This is crazy."
She stared at her plate. Captain Janeway, she reminded herself. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway of the star ship Voyager. She was responsible to the souls of 150 crewmen. She was a Star Fleet Captain. Like her father before her. And her grandfather before him.
"Kathryn, look at me," Chakoty jarred her from the mantra she had been chanting to herself all day.
If only she could remember who she was, her heart wouldn't feel like it was breaking inside. Slowly, she brought her gaze to meet his.
"I told you once; I didn't plan on wasting my present for a future that may never happen." He stood. Each word was said slow and deliberate as, he moved around their narrow table. "We have less than 30 hours in this place. In this present. When we return to Voyager, I will adhere to your parameters and keep my distance. I'll forget that I know the back of your knee is your most sensitive area. I'll forget that sexy sound you make when I stroke you just right down your back. Or how silky your hair is when it's loose and tumbling around us as we make love."
Her breath caught in her throat as his words, having his desired effect, heated and liquefied her core. Kathryn could scarcely keep a single train of thought in her mind long enough to form words to respond. To push him away when all she wanted was to pull him closer.
He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. Only a few inches separated them. The gentle but firm grip he had on her hand assured her that if she turned him down and offered him the same cold indifference she had forced on him all day, Chakotay would return to his seat and never bring this up again.
"Give us these last hours, Kathryn. When Voyager returns, I will be your first officer. I will do everything in my power to lighten your burdens and help you get our crew home. Allow us a memory to hold us over."
Kathryn closed her eyes.
"Don't make me beg." His strong left hand came up to cradle her neck. His thumb caressed her cheek. "Kiss me goodbye."
The last was whispered as softly as a caress but with a force of an order. And that is what tipped the scales. She stepped into the space that kept them apart, obeying without hesitation. How was it that this man and only this man knew her need, her desire to give up control in at least one area? In this area with this man in his arms, she willingly submitted to his control.
Chakotay's lifted her in his arms in a fluid motion. And like she'd come to know and accept, her submission was reciprocated with an almost fanatical gentleness and care. The reference he showered on her in her acquiesces was never something he lorded over her or dominated her with, no, it was as if he view her submission as a precious gift that he treasured.
And she loved him all the more for it.
For a moment, clarity hit Kathryn like a thunderstorm on the Indiana plains. She loved this man.
And she could never have him.
At least not on Voyager; but she could have him for the next 30 hours.
Instead of withdrawing as she had done earlier, Kathryn knew all of her energy into the present and what little time they had left together.
Their present.
Loving him became her sole focus for existing. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she returned his tongue's exploration with her own.
Later, their bodies twined together, they lay in their bed. Weeks ago, they had manipulated and rearranged the living quarters to allow for one larger sleeping area instead of the two smaller ones. Kathryn regarded their interlaced fingers.
Chakotay's breathing was even and deep. They were both tired and sated but Kathryn didn't want to fall asleep. He had been right, on the lonely nights on aboard Voyager, this would keep her company.
She had almost been convinced that Chakotay had drifted off when he spoke.
"We perform a ceremony: blending my traditions in with some from Earth. You replicate a white dress and wear your hair down, like I like it."
Confused, Kathryn leaned back slightly to stare up at him but his gaze was far away.
"It takes some time, but we hewed logs and build our cabin about a mile up from here nearer to the river. We build a dock."
She smiled, drawn into the picture he was painting and joined in. "You build us that boat. And even though I expressly tell you to build a two bedroom cabin, you insist on building just the one. Less than a year later, you have to add on as we welcome our first son, Kolo."
Chakotay's arm tightened around her and he stared down into her eyes. A smile tugged the corners of his lips displaying his dimple. "And you never let me hear the end of it."
"Of course not! Then when the twins come—"
"Twins?" He choked out.
Kathryn laughed. "That's the same reaction you have we find out they are on their way. Boys. Rambunctious and precocious as their namesakes: Harrison and Thomas. They keep us busy."
"And what about the little sister, Phoebe? Fiery red hair and spitfire like her mother. Questioning and studying anything and everything she can get her hands on."
"Well, Kolo is so much like you, it's scary. Quite and gentle and so very hard to read."
"But you read us both and we love you for it."
They fall quiet each lost in the future they have envisioned and morn for the children they will never share.
"And how does it end?" The silent bereavement broken.
"With love as it began. Voyager finds a stable worm whole and makes it home. They never gave up hope to save us, so the crew gets assigned to return. Since our children were born on the planet, they were immune to the insect that bit us. After some prodding, they all return to earth with Voyager, but we keep in contact. Kolo returns with the woman he wishes to marry and a few brave settlers. We see our grandchildren and their children grow."
Kathryn snuggled closer to Chakotay's warmth. "You tell good stories."
Sometime during those final hours, they sleep; they wake; they make love and then sleep again.
"Tuvoc to Janeway." The comm crackled and sounded rousing them awake.
Kathryn reluctantly moved out of Chakotay's arms and retrieved her badge. She tapped it once. "Go ahead." Her voice didn't waver, it wasn't the voice of a woman free to love and plant a garden or hear lovely stories, and it was the voice of a leader. A captain of a star ship.
"Captain, we shall arrive and be orbit in an hour. Will that give you enough time to be ready?"
Kathryn looked back at Chakoty. Images of their life, the one they could have had here on New Earth, fades from her mind.
"Yes, we'll be ready. Janeway out."
Chakotay slipped from the bed and hesitated, confusion in his eyes, probably the same that reflected in her own. Unspoken they acknowledged that their time was up.
Giving each their privacy, they dressed in their Star Fleet uniforms. The weight of her pips never felt so tight around her throat.
One final moment, they gazed into the other's eyes. She would need him in a million difference ways between here and the Alpha Quadrant.
"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up."
In sickbay, the incisive chatter of the doctor filled the air while Kathryn was acutely aware of where ever Chakotay was during his check up and given a clean bill of health. Together they reported to the bridge.
"Halt Turbo lift." Those were the first words Chakotay had spoken since returning to the ship. The holographic doctor's chatter consumed their physical examination. Nothing more than a few 'hmms' and 'uh-huhs' had assured the doctor of their attention.
Chakotay turned to Kathryn. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." If her spin was any straighter, it would snap.
"Then don't watch me." He stepped closer and hunched down for them to be on eye level.
"What are you talking about?"
"Kathryn, the entire crew is used to me watching you. Knowing where you are whenever we're in the same room together. It's expected from me; but not from you. If the doctor hadn't been so enthralled listen to himself recount how he single-handedly fought off the Valdinas and got the cure, he would have noticed you staring at me and keeping me in your line of sight and the next six crewmen to walk into sickbay would get an earful of gossip. But, if you step foot on that bridge acting like…" He straighten cutting off what he was about to say.
"Like a woman in love." The captain finished his statement. "How do I normally act?"
Dreading the answer of how he had seen her before their time on New Earth.
"Indifferent. Oblivious to how I feel about you. Friendly but reserved." He turned his head.
The words punched as hard as she feared. "And if I were any different toward you, Tom Paris would have another one of those betting pools up and running in no time about what happened while we were away."
He swung back around to face her. "You knew?"
Cocking her head to the side, she raised an eyebrow.
A soft chuckle. "Of course you did. And I'll have you know, I had a few choice words for Mr. Paris about his gaming exploits."
She smiled and placed a hand on his cheek. "Ever my protective Warrior."
He placed his hand over her. "Always." Stepping back he resumed his at ease stance. "Ready?"
Kathryn felt her captain's mask slip firmly back into place. Secure knowing her Warrior had her back. "Turbo lift, resume."
Normal. She strode onto the bridge and made her way over to Tuvok. Kathryn could not resist teasing him about their rescue and his disregarding a direct command. That was normal.
She surveyed her bridge. "Thank you, well, we've lost time with all of this. Let's see if we can make it up. Mr. Paris, warp eight."
"Aye, Captain." Tom nodded and headed to his station.
Normal.
Kathryn sat in the captain's chair and slowly regained its feel. She could do this. "Commander, we'll need to review the ship's systems. I'll handle propulsions, environmental and communication. You'll be responsible for sensors, weapons and transporters"
"Aye, Captain. I'll have a report by 1800 hours."
"Check with Phaser maintenance, see if they solved that problem with the prefire chamber temperature."
"Yes, ma'am. I'll see to it."
THE END