"A… date?"
"Yeah…" she sighs as she pours his tea. She looks as though she's had a long and productive day. A day like that usually leaves Fran in a joyful, if a little sleepy, demeanor for when the turtles stop by for their semi-nightly cups of tea, coffee and soda respectfully. Today her eyes are tired in more than one way. And her smile doesn't crinkle their corners like usual. "This guy Jacob at the studio- I've told you guys about him, yeah? He asked me out this afternoon."
"That cinema guy? The one who's always askin' you to play parts fer 'is short films?" Raph seems to shift a little in his direction as he drawls casually.
"That's the one." She sets Leo's tea in front of him and starts on Donnie's mug of coffee. Leo's hands stay clasped together on the table.
"So… what? Movie? Dinner?" Leo knows when someone is making glances at him. Donnie fiddles habitually with his cell as he tries to keep eye contact with her.
"Dinner." She confirms. "Apparently there's this family bar not far from work. He wanted to take me." Leo can not hear the sound of the traffic outside anymore.
"That's… nice…" He tries to smile, tries to make it seem like he's somewhat accepting of… he doesn't. He doesn't try at all. His face is like stone as he stares at the spice cupboard behind her head.
"… Y-yeah, that's pretty cool!" Mikey manages to still sound sunny through his stutter.
"So yer meetin' this guy on Saturday?"
"I'm sorry guys. If I'd of known you were having a potluck I wouldn't have agreed to that night." To her credit, she looks as though she'd committed some small-scale crime with the way her eyes droop as she looks up at them. Leo can't look at her. He knows he'll get that horrible-wonderful ache in his chest if he does. The one that makes him want to do something totally non-platonic and compromising of that line he'd promised himself he wouldn't cross.
There goes a round of assurances that 'it's alright' and 'we can just move the date anyway' that brings the smile back into Fran's eyes. Leo still doesn't look.
Mikey, socialite that he is, tries to salvage the conversation. Leo knows without looking that Fran has her eyes on him. He just doesn't know what he'll see if he does. Can she sense his… whatever this feeling is that's making his teeth ache with the force of his bite? Feel the strain in his shoulders? The sick in his stomach?
Suddenly Fran's little kitchenette is far too small. Leo gets up with an "excuse me." And marches to the bathroom, under the guise of needing it. This way, it doesn't look too suspicious that he's left his tea untouched where he was sitting.
Once the door is locked, he paces.
What a thought. Fran Belle Darling, dating someone? He derives a small satisfaction in recalling how troubled she herself had seemed by the fact. She hasn't mentioned this "Jacob" much, anyway. Just that he liked to direct short films in his own time, and on his own budget. And that he asks her, almost every time he makes a new one, to play a part. And that almost every time she says yes. And that sometimes it cuts into the time she usually spends in the lair, watching movies, playing games, talking, watching him train, talking with him some more.
He can't help an unhappy whine in his throat. This was bound to happen. He shouldn't be surprised. He's not. He shouldn't be bitter. He shouldn't act bitter. He should have known. He should have been more prepared. He's not. He never could have prepared for this.
He sighs deeply, weightily, and sits with a heavy thud onto the shut lid of the john. It's an awkward position. The length and curve of his shell means he has to sit on it sideways. Everything in Fran's apartment is tiny. At least to him it is.
Looking around, he smiles fondly at her cluttered sink. She always gives him a playfully raised eyebrow when he organizes her things for her. And he always loves throwing reminders over his shoulder when he and the others would head out at the end of a night. At first it started off with the generic "Make sure it stays that way." and "Don't forget I loaded your dishwasher." Over time, it turned into "Remember to brush the tassels on that new rug, Fran." and "Those lightbulbs better be dusted and the shelves changed by the time I get back." She has a good sense of humor, but it feels good to have found his own way to make her laugh.
… Maybe Jacob will find his own way, too.
Groaning, Leo lets his entire upper body list forward until his face is between his knees.
Oh… Fran. If his head could hang lower, Leo might be confused as headless. She's probably out there, trying to be her sweet and charming self, and he's been hiding out in her bathroom for maybe fifteen minutes now. His brothers can't distract her forever, though bless them for watching his back, and by now she must be wondering about him. Worried for him. That's her way. Leo wonders briefly if she misses him when he disappears.
Maybe she's concerned by his behavior. This fearless leader's not stupid, and neither is she. He knows that she knows when something's wrong. And he also knows that they're close enough that she relies on him for reassurance, trust and support. All things that he just doesn't have the frame of mind to give her right now. Shouldn't he feel like trying, though? Shouldn't he feel guilty for failing to rise to her search for comfort from her friends?
Because that's what he is. Her friend. He tries to ignore the pain in his gut as he tells himself that.
Damn him, he's always been selfish. Why can't he just accept things the way they are? He loves being her friend. In fact, he's lucky she's even around in the first place.
He's so damn lucky for a human to have been so openly accepting of him, with no past ties or inconveniencing incidents regarding the Shredder or an alien invasion to force her cooperation.
Lucky for her to have had enough courage to give them all a chance to explain themselves without her running for the hills, despite being so scared of them that even her goose pimples were trembling.
For her to have kept coming back of her own volition.
To have seen something in him that he hadn't even known was there. To have coaxed out that side of him effortlessly by simply giving him the respect, understanding and validation that he'd desperately needed ever since Splinter strapped the weights of a leader to his shell and called them weapons. By treating him like the underage, underqualified leader that he was and still having faith in him. By acknowledging his doubts and teaching him to dispel them. By involving him in wacky debates and banter that he'd missed out on since his brothers got too scared to. By saying goofy, unexpected things that make him smile. Talking with him. Reading with him. Sitting with him when his brothers were bouncing off the walls. Being still and silent with him, comfortable in each others space without exchanging a single glance.
He's damn lucky to have her.
Why isn't that enough for him?
Knock, knock, knock-knock, knock.
…
Shave and a haircut?
Either Mikey is knocking at the bathroom door, or Fran is. He isn't ready for the latter, but something tells him…
"Bro…?"
He thought so. Fran wasn't the kind to approach him about his problems, except on those occasions when his mood was destructive. (And he'll admit, that still happens sometimes. Though not nearly as often.) Most of the time, Fran lets him come to her. But… How can he approach her with this?
"…Dude… Leo, come on…" Mike was being quiet, mercifully. But this still meant the absence of two turtles in their friend's (ow) living area. Better wrap this pity-party up.
Leo raises himself slowly from the pathetic position in his own lap, adept by now at ignoring both the head rush and the dark pit in his stomach as he straitens. He knocks twice sharply on the door and it opens to his smallest brothers eyes, wide with sadness for him. It makes him feel both better and worse.
He hovers in the door.
Leo manages a smile, somehow. "It's okay, you can come in." Mikey's in his face before he can blink.
"The frick-frack, dude?" Leo is amazed that Mike has maintained his whisper, even while obviously inclined towards an outside voice during times of stress. Then again, this is more of a whisper-shout. "We're all out there worrying our tails off! Raph thought you might be crying or somethin', I could see by his face he thought so!"
Leo's face is incredulous. "Of course I'm not crying." He keeps his voice low. He doesn't get upset with Mikey for his lack of tact. He knows he's just relieved to see him in good (enough) health.
"Yeah, yeah, I totally thought so too…" He didn't. Leo can see in the tiniest shifts in his eyes as he watches his face that his brother doesn't quite believe him yet.
Leo sighs after a moment, and covers his face with a hand. The more minutes pass, the more dread settles in his bones. It's such a stupid thing. A date. One date with a guy she's barely mentioned. She doesn't even seem excited to go.
Why is he so afraid?
"Hey."
Mikey's hand is on his shoulder. Leo opens his mouth, which turns out to be the best action he could have taken.
"I feel so stupid." He says. "I know I shouldn't overthink this, but I can't help myself. It's… it's like there's this big storm that's coming. And I'm trying to prepare for it? Barring the doors, sealing the windows, stocking up… but no matter what I do, I can never be prepared enough. And I'm just waiting for the day that everything changes."
Mikey takes a long while to process this. Leo can't rush him if he's doing the same.
"So…" Mike's hand on his shoulder pulls him a little closer as he talks quieter.
"You're… not upset about that Jacob guy?"
He shakes his head. "No, I… I still am. Upset. But…"
"… But that's not the half of it?"
He chuckles.
"She's not going to be around forever, Mike." The words tumble from between his teeth like fall leaves. It's completely natural and easy and, despite the ache he still feels in the pit of his chest, it makes him feel better. "It might not be anytime soon but… someday she'll decide to spend her entire life with someone. And that's what she'll go off and do."
"…"
Now that he's said it, he realizes for the first time that this fear is far more damaging than he'd known. With the weight of restraint gone now that it's out he can feel dread, like a flood, bursting forth. It fills every crevice and drowns every hope. The thought strikes him that he'd been waiting all this time for something that is already here. This is the storm. The inevitable.
"… Dude, you know she loves us right?"
When Leo lifts his eyes to his brother, he can feel them stinging. Damn it all.
"She loves us, Leo." Mikey grips both his shoulders firmly. Shakes him gently.
"Man, she'd flippin' flip if she had to leave us!"
Leo can't believe he's sniffing like a kid.
"That's different, Mike…"
"Bull!" His gaze is fiery. He so resembles Raph that Leo has to blink. "You know her as well as the rest of us! Fran doesn't fawn over some dude on TV like April does sometimes. She doesn't have stupid crushes. She hasn't been in a relationship as long as we've known her even though she's been asked out by, like, every guy!"
Leo huffs. "She said yes to this guy."
"So what? My point is, Fran wouldn't drop everything just for some dude…!" He looks to the side after a second, pondering. "Or… dudette, or whatever. Y'know have we even ever asked? We are the worst friends!"
"…Thanks, Mike." Leo says it sarcastically, and a whole lot of him means it so. But another, hopeful little bubble in his heart means it for real. The older brother places his hands over the smaller's and leaves them there a second before lifting them away. Mikey looks back at him, and seems to notice some difference, because he smiles.
"So… you're all good?"
Leo reflects for a second. His insides are a torrent of doubt and anxiety, his cheeks are a little damp and there's still that pit in his chest that he feels won't be filled in for a long time still. But, there's that bubble in there too. And it's small but light, and just buoyant enough that he feels like it can keep his head above water for just as long.
"Not all good." He admits. "But… good enough."
"Good." Mike says. "Cause, uh, the whole reason I came here was… Well I came first off cause you're my bro an' all but, also cause Fran was askin' about you."
"…Oh."
"Yeah. Hey, you want a tissue or somethin'?"
"No, I'm…" He looks in the mirror. His eyes are a little red, but thankfully just a quick wash can fix him up. "I'll be out in a second."
"If you say so. And… hey, bro?"
Leo turns to look at him. "Yes?"
His sets his face, and his eyes are sharp. "I won't tell Raph you cried, bro."
The shame. "Get out, Mikey."
When Leo finally remerges Fran and his brothers are sitting around watching a movie. There's an empty space next to her on the couch and he resigns himself to sitting next to her.
When he does, he doesn't know what he expected, but Fran reaches to the side table and hands him a steaming cup of fresh tea. He accepts it with pure muscle memory, because his mind had gone blank, and looks up to find her staring at him. It isn't intrusive, nor is it judgmental. But then, when is she ever? In fact, in her stare he sees nothing but everything he'd ever seen. Respect. Understanding. Validation.
And he can't imagine why he'd never seen it before, but there was love there too.
And when they each turned to watch another movie of many before, comfortable in each others company, Leo found that he still had her. And that that was enough for him.