A/n: This is a birthday gift to my Mega (megabegga). Her birthday is July 28th, but I am impatient and can't wait to post things once they are done LMFAO. I hope some of you get a laugh out of this. And, Mega, ilyaosm :) reviews are appreciated

It was an early morning when Jake Ryan opened his eyes. In front of him, his wife was fighting with a stuck drawer on their dresser. He smirked, eyeing the socks on her feet. Oh, how he loved her and socks.

"Ooh baby, I love it when you wear socks."

She turned around and he winked. She glared at him. She yanked the socks off and threw that at his big head.

"You said you were going to fix this drawer!" She slammed her fist into it. He fought clear of the blankets and stood up. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"Why do we need fully functioning drawers when we have love?" He cried dramatically. She rolled her eyes as he kissed her theatrically. He pulled her back into the hug and as annoyed she was, she couldn't keep from hugging back.

Over his shoulder, she spotted exactly what she'd been trying to spot all month. It wasn't a coincidence that just a month ago Jake Ryan signed on to work on another movie.

"Oh no…Jakey…" She whispered, her voice thick with fake emotion. He pulled back and eyed her with confusion.

"What? What's wrong?" He asked. She bit her lip and pointed behind him. He turned around slowly, and found himself face to face with a terrifying sight.

Their golden retriever Otis was sitting at the door. He had a big doggy smile on, a jar of peanut butter beside him, and one of their children's stuffed animals was brutally massacred. But that wasn't what made Jake Ryan scream that early morning.

All around Otis were scraps of socks.

It was just the right amount that told Jake about one third of every pair of his sock collection was sitting around the family dog, and the other two thirds of them were inside the dog's stomach.

"Oh no! Poor Otis! We have to get him to the vet!" Miley cried, sitting on the floor and throwing her arms around the dog's neck. He licked her whole face and barked excitedly. He pushed the peanut butter jar near her with his paw. She kissed him and opened it, letting him lick it.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Jake yelled, charging at the animal. Miley screamed and blocked his path. Jake gently pushed her to the floor (he kept his arms under her so she didn't hurt herself when she fell) and stared at her in confused, wondering how he got on top of her. He caught site of Otis's shiny fur and remembered. He climbed off his wife and grabbed the dog by the collar.

"HOW COULD YOU, OTIS?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BUDDY! HOW COULD YOU EAT MY LUCKY SOCKS?! DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THOSE ARE?!"

Otis whined and buried his nose beneath his paws. Miley cooed and stroked the dog's paws.

"Don't be mean to him, Jake! He's just a dog! Besides, he probably ate them because you keep putting other pairs on him!" She grabbed the dog's paws and held it up. "Look, he even has a sock tan!"

Sure enough, the fur of Otis's paws was lighter at the bottom than the top. Otis whimpered at the memory of how he had to wear socks to match his master. They made him feel inferior as a male dog, just as he felt after he was…neutered. He howled sadly at the memory of when he lost his manhood.

"But he's my best friend! We were being twins!" Jake defended. He stood up, pulling Otis with him. "That doesn't change the fact that I need to get my socks back, no matter what it takes. Come on Otis, we're going to see Dr. Megan at the vet."

Otis barked and pulled against Jake's grip, but in the end, Jake won. Otis ended up in the backseat of Jake's car, drooling against the window and wagging his tail. He thought he was going to a dog park or another fun place, when really he was heading to the vet, where Jake was prepared to do anything to get his luck back.

They pulled into the vet and Otis excitedly licked at the windows. He loved his veterinarian. She gave him vanilla ice cream treats and peanut butter balls and tennis balls galore! Plus she petted him longer than anyone he knew…put together! And she always smelled like other doggies. Sure, his veterinarian had to do all the things most dogs had to get done to them, but she always apologized with delicious treats that made Otis drool just thinking about them!

They entered the vet and Otis yanked at Jake's arm, trying to get free so he could go see the other dogs. He loved to make new friends of all sizes, shapes, and species! He thought he was friends with the squirrel family in their backyard, but the other day the mommy squirrel acted very off to him. Huh. They are very temperamental little creatures.

Jake frantically ran up to the desk and slammed his hand down on the bell. A woman slowly rolled her chair over there, a bored expression on her face. The starstruck attitude everyone used to have with Jake had long worn off, and was replaced by apprehension and exasperation.

"I need Dr. Megan right now!" Jake screamed. Several pet owners raised their heads and appraised the celebrity, their eyes bulging out of their heads. The woman behind the desk sighed.

"What seems to be the emergency, Mr. Ryan?"

Otis jumped up on the counter and licked the receptionist's face. Jake impatiently yanked him down.

"Otis ate three-hundred and sixty pairs of socks!!"

Otis felt the envious gaze of the other male dogs. He loved it.

The receptionist rolled her eyes and sent them back to an examining room to wait on Dr. Megan. Otis sat on the scale and watched the door. He was so ready to see his friend!

Jake kept his face in his hands.

They were his luck and memories! He had pairs that his wife had gotten him, pairs that his daughter who was now in college picked out with her chubby little baby hands…he had pairs that used to be his father's, before his father passed away. They were special to him. They helped him kick Jesse McCartney's ass on a daily basis! Without those socks…he was nothing. Of course he never told his wife the sentimental part behind the socks…he was sure if he did she wouldn't get rid of them. She just wanted him to be home, that he understood.

Otis sniffed and walked over to his master. He could sense his despair. He nudged his hand with his nose and Jake pet Otis. Otis licked Jake's hand and wagged his tail. He even smiled his prettiest smile in hopes that his master would cheer up.

Dr. Megan entered the room. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail and her doctor's coat was bright green, instead of the normal white. Otis wagged his tail so hard his body moved from side to side and he bounced up, setting his front two legs on Dr. Megan's shoulders. He licked her entire face and she laughed. She gently pushed him down and handed him a peanut butter snack. She scratched his head.

"Hi, Tiss! How've you been boy?!" She asked. Otis barked happily. He felt a lot better now. Dr. Megan's voice got a little disapproving though. "But why did you eat your master's socks, Tiss? That wasn't very nice."

Otis felt guilt and shame inside his furry body. He backed away from her slowly and carefully sunk to the ground. He rolled over on his back and stuck his legs in the air. He hoped Dr. Megan understood that he wasn't trying to be a bad dog!

"I need my socks back! Please! Do an x-ray…or whatever you have to do! I need those socks!"

Dr. Megan sat down on the floor and rubbed Otis's tummy. He felt better.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ryan, but Otis didn't eat the socks whole. He tore them into small pieces. He'll pass them through his body in the next week. You can't get your socks back."

Jake stared. The words just didn't make sense to him. His socks were…gone? For good?

"But…I just wore them earlier. How can they be gone?"

"You'll understand the next time you pick up his poop."

A grave silence took over.

"Hi."

Jake glared at Dr. Megan.

"Now is not the time to greet me! Now is the time for you to tell me you have a magical machine that will pull my socks out of his body whole!"

Dr. Megan shook her head. Otis felt even worse. He just wanted to go home and live with Dr. Megan so he could get rubbed and fed all the time. But he still loved his master, even if he made him feel so much like a bad dog.

"Come on, Otis." Jake said sadly. He dejectedly grabbed Otis's leash and they walked out of the building slowly and sadly.

The drive home was sad for the two males. Jake collapsed on the couch and Otis laid on the floor with his legs in the air, wishing something would get better.

Then, he caught a scent. It was a very familiar scent, one that followed his master and mistress around a lot. It was…it was the socks! The ones his master loved so much! But hadn't he eaten them? Otis thought back to the moment in question. He remembered the white room, and his mistress, and he remembered the delicious ice cream that coated the socks he ate…that was it! He didn't even notice the socks were fakes because the smell of sugary, vanilla goodness!

Otis perked up. He excitedly climbed to his feet. He wagged his tail and barked. Jake buried his head in his arms.

"Go away, Otis." He muttered.

Otis turned and trusted his nose. He followed the scent down the narrow, strange room that had holes in it and then into the room his master and mistress slept. He followed the scent into their backyard. He followed it into the room with all the fake fur hanging up on sticks. He spotted a box and he opened it with his nose…

The lucky socks!

Otis barked and grabbed the box with his teeth. He ran back to his master and dropped the box at his feet. Jake didn't budge. Otis growled playfully and bit at his master's pants. He tugged and his master finally looked up.

A grin spread out over his face.

"My socks! My lucky socks! Otis! Oh you fabulous bag of fur!" He threw his arms around his pet and Otis never felt so happy.

Jake pulled away, running his hands over his socks.

"But how?" He asked.

Otis picked up another scent. His mistress. She entered the room, and Otis looked straight at her. Jake followed his gaze.

"Miley?"

She smiled. "JAKE! YOUR SOCKS! YAY!"

She threw her arms around him in fake happiness. Jake stroked her hair back and she kissed his cheek. He felt dumb. He almost believed his dog told him his wife had framed fake socks as his lucky ones and hid the real lucky ones!

Otis sat behind Jake. From over Jake's shoulder, Miley winked at him. He could smell the peanut butter in her pocket. He was not above bribes.

It seemed to Otis that the real deviants in this species were the females.