Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem or The Legend of Zelda
A/N: I wanted to write a short, silly story. I was one a roll with funny ideas. This is weird, but enjoy!
It was a beautiful day as Mist carried a basket full of clean laundry to the mercenary camp. Once she got to the entrance of the fort, she sat down on the ground and breathed in the clean air.
"Ah! That's great air!" she said out loud.
"That has got to be the dumbest thing that I've ever heard someone say!" Mist turned around and saw Boyd staring at her.
"What do you want?" Mist asked.
"You took longer than usual to get then laundry done. Your brother was wondering if you were alright, and I was picked to check you," Boyd said.
"Well, I'm fine. You can report that to Ike," Mist said.
"Sure, I'll tell him. Oh, by the way, Oscar is waiting for you in the kitchen. He says that he needs you to cut the potatoes for the soup," Boyd said.
"Alright, I'll get to it." Mist then ran off.
~In the Kitchen
"I'm here! I'm sorry I took so long!" Mist said as she ran in.
"It took you long enough! Please, cut those potatoes," Oscar said. Mist rolled up her sleeves and started cutting the potatoes. Suddenly, Soren ran into the kitchen.
"Oscar, Titania wants speak with you. She is holding a small meeting," he said.
"I'll be there immediately. Mist, you can finish the cooking, can't you?" Oscar asked.
"I'm all over it!" she said with a smile. Right after Soren and Oscar left, something didn't seem quite right. The kitchen seemed to get darker.
"That's strange," Mist said. As she began to investigate the room, the window smashed open.
"AHHH!" Mist screamed as she ducked. At that moment, a shadowy figure entered the room.
"What do you want from me?" Mist asked.
"You must die!" the shadowy figure yelled. He then tied up Mist and carried her away.
"IKE! HELP ME!" she yelled.
~In the meeting.
"Well, that should do it for today, everyone. Good work," Titania said. Just then, Rhys entered the tent.
"Titania, I have some news," he said.
"What could it be?" she asked.
"Mist has been kidnapped by a villain named Ganon. She must be saved by-"
"MIST IS KIDNAPPED? I MUST SAVE HER!" Ike shouted. Without any hesitation, he ran out of the tent.
"He didn't even let me finish the sentence. What I was saying-"
"I'm going to help Ike! I need to make sure that Mist is alright," Boyd said as he fled from the tent.
"Thickheads," Soren said to himself.
"What I was saying is that Mist can only be saved by a warrior from Hyrule. His name is Link, and he is the only person who can defeat Ganon," Rhys said.
"Great, how will this guy ever know that Mist has to be saved?" Titania asked.
"I'm sure that he'll find out," Rhys said.
~Meanwhile in Hyrule.
Link was lazing around the throne room in Hyrule castle. He had nothing to do, and he was bored.
"Gee, it sure is boring around here," Link said as he stretched.
"My boy," King Harikinian began, "This peace is what all true warriors strive for."
"I just wonder what Ganon's up to," Link said.
Just then, a man in maroon robes wearing a turban and sitting on a magic carpet flew into the room.
"Your majesty," he began, "Ganon and his minions have seized the kingdom of Crimea," he said.
"Hmmm…how can we help?" the King asked.
The man pulled out a scroll. "It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon," he said.
Link smiled. "Great! I'll grab my stuff!"
"There is no time! Your sword is enough!" the man said. Link grabbed his sword and jumped on the magic carpet.
"Squadala! We are off!" the man said as they flew away.
"So, what am I going to be doing?" Link asked.
"You are going to defeat Gannon, and save the young girl named Mist. She is the younger sister of Ike, the Commander of the Greil Mercenaries," he said.
"Great! Where do I start?" Link asked.
"Here is the map, you will begin your journey here," he said as he pointed to a picture of a cave on the map.
"Great! I'll get going!" Link said.
*******
So, Ike and Boyd were trying to find Mist, even though they had no clue who the heck Ganon was.
Eventually, they decided to ask some people in the town to see if they knew. Ike and Boyd came across a store called, "Morshu's Pawn Shop."
"Let's go here and ask about this Ganon guy," Ike said. When they entered the shop, they say a fat guy wearing suspenders and a stupid hat.
"Good day to you my friends. How can I help you? Can I interest you in any lamp oil or bombs?" Morshu asked.
"Actually, we were looking for some information. Do you happen to know of a villain named Ganon," Ike said.
"Hmm…you mean this guy?" Morshu asked as he pulled out a picture. It was a picture of an evil-looking guy with green skin, red hair, and dark armor.
"That's probably him. It is really important that we find him, because he just kidnapped my sister!" Ike said.
"Oh, that's too bad. Good luck trying to defeat Ganon," Morshu said.
"Excuse me? I just happen to be Ike, the Commander of the Greil Mercenaries! I defeated the Black Knight! Surely I can defeat this Gannon guy!" Ike said.
Morshu laughed.
"What is so funny? I'm part of the Greil Mercenaries, and I could easily take this guy out with my axe!" Boyd said.
"You guys are the biggest idiots I've ever met! Don't you know that only-"
Just then, the door opened, and Link walked in.
"Hello my friend, what can I do for you today?" Morshu asked.
"I need a Pepsi," Link said.
Morshu held up a two liter bottle of Pepsi. "A two liter bottle of Pepsi. You want it?" Morshu asked.
"Yeah!" Link exclaimed.
"It's yours, my friend. As long as you have enough rupees," Morshu said.
Link reached into his pocket and pulled out the needed rupees.
"Pleasure doing business with you," Morshu said.
Link cracked open the Pepsi and began gulping it down.
Morshu then turned to Ike and Boyd.
"You see, Link is the only person who can defeat Ganon. You two will be worthless. Isn't that right, Link?" Morshu asked.
"Yeah!" he said. Link chugged down the rest of the Pepsi. After a brief moment, he forced a burp that made all of the merchandise fall off the shelves and onto the floor.
Ike was outraged. "You call yourself a warrior? If you are, you are a poor excuse for one. I will not let you rescue my sister! You have proven yourself incapable!" Ike shouted. Then, he and Boyd stormed out of Morshu's store.
"You are fools! You will not be able to defeat Ganon!" Link shouted as they left. He then turned back to Morshu.
"I want a bag of Doritos," he said.
********
So, after a few days, Ike and Boyd managed to find Ganon's lair.
"MIST? MIST? WHERE ARE YOU?" Ike shouted as he ran through the lair.
"Ike, you have to remember that she's been kidnapped. She most likely won't be able to hear you," Boyd said, trying to knock some common sense into his head.
"No, you're wrong Boyd. Even if she can't hear me, Mist will be able to feel my presence in this lair," Ike said.
Boyd sighed. "I have an idea. Why don't we split up? I'll take this side of the lair, and you take that side," Boyd said.
"Great!" Ike said. Then, the two mercenaries parted. Ike continued running around the lair, shouting Mist's name. All of the sudden, a shadowy figure emerged.
"Come and face me! I am not afraid of you!" Ike shouted, holding his sword.
"Ha, ha, ha! You are a fool! You must die!" the gruff voice mocked.
"Show yourself!" Ike yelled.
Ike realized that the shadowy figure was Ganon.
"Release my sister at once, you vermin!" Ike yelled.
"Now, why would I do that?" he asked.
Ike was infuriated. Why would a villain want to play games with him? He had enough. Ike charged at Ganon.
"AAAHHHHH!" Ike yelled. But, before he reached Ganon, a cage fell from the ceiling, and it crashed over Ike.
"Ha, ha, ha! You can't save your sister now, can you? You're trapped!" Ganon mocked.
"You are such a lame villain! I can easily get out of this cage," Ike said. Ike pushed against the sides of the cage, yet to no avail, he could not escape.
*******
Meanwhile, Boyd was trying to find Mist, and was just as unsuccessful as Ike.
"Mist! Where are you?" he shouted.
Again, Ganon popped up in front of Boyd.
"You must die!" Ganon said.
"No, I think that you will!" Boyd said as he attempted to swing his axe at Ganon. However, he dodged.
"You are not going to harm Mist!" Boyd shouted.
"You guys are far too lame! You shall meet the same fate as your commander!" Ganon yelled.
And so, a cage fell on top of Boyd and he couldn't escape.
"This isn't fair!" Boyd said, trying to escape.
"Oh, yes it is. Now, you and your commander can watch in horror as I boil your little friend, and eat her for dinner," Ganon said.
"NOOOOOO!" Boyd yelled. Ganon disappeared into the shadows.
********
Ganon was laughing to himself as he was preparing a cauldron.
"Mist is going to be delicious!" he said to himself.
"Not so fast, Ganon!" a voice said.
Ganon turned around. There, Link was standing in his lair, eating a bag of Doritos.
"You look even more ridiculous than the other two, Link," Ganon said.
Link shoved the rest of the Doritos in his mouth and tossed the bag aside.
"AHHH! YOU DARE LITTER IN MY LAIR? YOU MUST DIE!" Ganon yelled.
"Since when did you become green?" Link asked.
"I've always been green! See, I even collect reusable shopping bags," Ganon said as he opened a closet full of reusable shopping bags.
"Could the author think of anything weirder?" Link said to himself.
"Join me Link, and I will make your face the greatest in Koredai! Or else, you will die!" Ganon said.
"What does becoming 'the greatest face in Koredai' entail?" Link asked.
"If you join me, I will have your face printed on a reusable grocery bag! Think of all the money we'll make!" Ganon said.
"Sounds great, but I think that I'll pass," Link said as he pulled out a book and opened it.
"NO! Not into the pit! It burns!" Ganon said as the book sucked him in. Link closed the book and tossed it aside.
~Meanwhile
Once Ganon was trapped in the book, the cages immediately vanished on Ike and Boyd. Since Boyd knew that Ganon wanted to eat Mist, he immediately ran off to find her. Ike did the same, even though he was on the other side of the lair.
~Back with Link
Link found Mist's cell where Ganon held her captive. She was lying on the floor, obviously asleep. He clanged two cymbals together to wake her up.
"Oh, what happened?" Mist groaned as she woke up. She looked up and saw Link.
"I just saved you from Ganon!" Link exclaimed.
Since Mist did not know who Link was, she thought that he was just a warrior trying to take Ike's credit.
"You did not! My brother saved me!" Mist shouted.
Just then, Boyd arrived. As soon as he saw Link, he punched him out of the way.
"AHHHH!" Link yelled as he flew to the other side of the room.
"Mist! You're safe!" Boyd said as he ran over to her.
"Well, it took you long enough to save me. Where's Ike?" she asked.
"On the other side of the cave looking for you still," Boyd said.
Boyd wrapped his arms around her and gazed into her blue eyes for a brief moment. However, Ike burst into the cell.
"Boyd, get your hands off my sister!" Ike yelled. Boyd jumped away.
"Mist, are you alright?" Ike asked.
"Yeah, I think so. I really don't get what just happened. One minute I was cooking, then this weird guy kidnapped me, and then this guy with blonde hair wearing a green tunic said that he just saved me," Mist explained. Link hobbled over, still hurt and bruised from Boyd's attack.
Suddenly, the guy on the magic carpet flew into the lair.
"I have good news everyone! Ganon has once again been imprisoned," he said. Everyone jumped onto the magic carpet and they left the lair.
"So, I guess that we can return to the mercenary camp now," Mist said.
"Yes, I think that our business is finally finished here," Ike said.
The guy with the maroon robes turned to Link. "Well done, Link! As it was written, you defeated Ganon, and you saved the Kingdom of Crimea!" he said.
Ike snorted.
"I won!" Link shouted. Ike, filled with anger, shoved Link off the magic carpet.
"HEEEEELP!" Link shouted as he fell.
~Meanwhile in Hyrule
Zelda was pacing around the throne room.
"I wonder what happened to Link," Zelda said.
"Oh who cares. Link was annoying anyways," Impa said.
The silence was broken when Link crashed through the ceiling and landed on the floor.
"My boy," King Harikinian said, "You're going to pay for the repair of my ceiling."
"What happened?" Link said as he stood up.
"Oh, nothing," Zelda said. Everyone realized how stupid Link looked, and how ridiculous the situation was. Consequently, they all burst out laughing like fools.
A/N: Ok, so I wrote this because I was in a funny mood. I based the Link characters from the CD-I games "The Faces of Evil" and "The Wand of Gamelon." I know this is stupid, but I loved writing it. And I don't even know how I came up with the idea of Gannon collecting reusable grocery bags. I know that Ike might have seemed a little OC, but I loosely based the idea from ch. 2 in "Path of Radiance." I hope that you liked this story. Review!