Bǎo shén

Author: nat

Ship: Mal/Inara

Rated: angst (of course!)

Set: After Inara leaves the ship (between series & movie)

Author's notes:

Bǎo shén – means literally jewel & soul, and figuratively, precious jewel of the soul/spirit (figuratively means how I hijacked it to mean what I want it to without having to translate pesky things like prepositions & other hurdles of grammar!)

zuì hòu tuō –final request

I tried to give you up

And live without the pain of longing.

I tried to be empty of all passion for you.

I failed.

-excerpt Rumi – Whispers of the Beloved

The Captain, Kaylee had decided, was unlivable. It was only getting worse with each passing week.

He wasn't usually terrible giddy, or happy-go-lucky, she readily admitted. But he didn't usually mope either. And the occasional good-natured joke usually managed to fall out of him and admit some of his real nature. And he often got a real kick out of robbing someone's really deserved it.

But now he was like a big deflated balloon.

The time had come for action and she figured she was as good as anyone for making a go of it.

She found him sitting on the platform over the cargo bay, legs swinging over the side the way they used to when he sat with Inara and talked with her, thinkin' no one was watching.

He was holding an obviously forgotten inventory list and staring off mournfully into nothing.

Kaylee sat down beside him and waited a minute before she spoke, then, "You wanna tell me why she left?"

She watched his face harden and his shoulders stiffen. He didn't answer.

"C'mon Cap'n, you're itchin' tell someone and I figure it ought t'be me."

"How you figure that?"

Kaylee smiled, "Who else you gonna tell? Zoe? Wash?...Jayne?"

He managed a gruff, half-laugh at that and she grew hopeful.

"Go'on tell me what big bad thing you did. I'm the most romantic, I can help you make a plan to get her back."

He had stiffened again at the mention of "big bad thing" and she knew he had shut off again so she added quietly, "Back home, where she belongs."

Those shoulders gradually came down again but there was a long silence.

"Cap'n, what'd you do?"

He looked down, "I slept with Nandi."

Kaylee had a hard time with that, "With who? With NANDI? Her FRIEND Nandi? What'd you go'n do that for?"

He had shut his eyes and made no answer. Why had he thought it inconsequential at this point to admit that to her? Was he daft?

"If you were going to sleep with a companion, don't you think you oughta have done it with the one you actually wanted?"

That got his attention. He snapped back to life. The old, fierce Captain at the helm, "It weren't that simple Kaylee!"

"Sure seems like it to me!" she retorted.

"Well it wasn't! I couldn't just sleep with Inara! It's not like that between us!"

Kaylee was looking at him like he had three heads, "That's all you've wanted to do with her for ages! Who are you kidding? But instead you sleep with her friend? I don't get it! And I thought you didn't even like companions!"

He made that face, with the big eyes and the small, angry mouth and she nearly smiled at how easily baited he was.

"I don't give a wit about companions and you know it! I just don't agree with Inara bein' one. It's beneath her. My sleeping with her would've been saying that was alright, for her always to be less…..less than what she is!"

The words were jerky with anger but sincere and Kaylee broke into a wry smile, "Cap'n you are a ragin' romantic under all that meanness!" she declared.

She choked back a laugh as he made very gruff but likewise pouty face and muttered, "Ain't romantic…."

There was a long, companionable silence after that. Companionable for Kaylee who loved her captain again and no less angst-filled for said Captain. He was just contemplating whether or not it was worse having told someone or not when she spoke again,

"'Spose you'd better do some research," she said seriously.

"Research?" he took the bait again.

"Well, yeah, see if there's some companion-type way for you to go and ask for her!"

Now he made the face he put on when he was humouring her, "Companion-type-way?"

"Hey, they have a lot of traditions! And you know, that's prob'ly the only life she's ever known. She knows bein' with you means givin' it all up and that's gotta be scary for her. This life….well, it is what it is."

"This life ain't good enough for her," he admitted quietly.

Kaylee smiled, "I knew that's what you thought. Cap'n, she loves this ship. She loves 'er like you and me do. She'll come back if you ask her."

The Captain smiled wanely at her, "No she won't."

"How're you so sure?"

"She may love the ship. It may have hurt her that I slept with Nandi because it was her friend and it seemed mighty hypocritical after all the razzing I give her. But that's all. Kaylee, she don't want to be with me."

Kaylee huffed and rolled her eyes, "Cap'n, are you crazy? That old adage is right, men are dumb as cattle! 'Course she loves you too!"

Mal's eyes widened considerably at those words and he made a choked sound. When had the word love entered into this conversation?

"She'd never admit it though and she's good at hiding her feelings, s'part of her training!"

But the Captain had on his stubborn face now and he shook his head, "No, no little Kaylee, t'aint like that."

Kaylee's eyes narrowed at the word 'little' and she jumped up in a huff, "Oh yeah? Well, you wanna know something? Wasn't Saffron she kissed and got poisoned from—was you!"

Mal choked again, "How you figure that?!"

She gave him a disgusted look, "She thought you were DEAD in your bunk Cap'n, and she wouldn't never have kissed Saffron! You're an idiot!"

He was so surprised by this information that she was long gone before he realized she'd called him an idiot.

It was late that night, after his long walk around the ship that he sat in his quarters. He watched his stolen capture of Inara, the one Kaylee had taken, one more time before slowly tucking it away and reaching for his comm.. He called up the search engine and typed in Companion Tradition, then reached for the enter button. Goram Kaylee and her romantic nonsense!

"Captain?"

Mal jumped in his chair with a yell at the sound of Wash's sleepy voice.

"Yeah?"

"You gotta wave."

"Patch it through."

His screen lit up, that foolish search replaced with the image of a very stern looking woman, dressed up as fancy as Inara used to.

"Captain Reynolds." The stern fancy woman greeted.

He opened his mouth to respond but she continued and he realized it was a pre-recorded message.

"I am Shiloh, High Priestess of Sihon. I realize that by the time this wave reaches you and you reach us, Inara will have passed and for that I am sorry. She asked for you when she first fell ill but we felt she would recover. Suddenly she took quite a turn for the worse. She is very ill and our best doctors cannot figure out why. We are making her last hours as comfortable as we can—"

Mal had already ripped down his communicator and woken Wash again in such a desperate voice that Wash bolted for the bridge in his pajamas to plot the course.

"—I am contacting you because Inara asked for you in her zuì hòu tuō. She has bequeathed you certain items and requested you present at her burial, along with your crew. Here are the exact co-ordinates for docking. We will hold off the burial ritual until you arrive."

Wash had the ship going as fast as she could and Kaylee was in the engine room trying to boost their speed already when the Captain barked out commands for her over the comm..

Jayne was packing up weapons as was his way. Hoping Inara was repairable by the Doc and expecting they'd have to blast her out, even from the Guild.

Even Zoe was preparing for trouble to keep herself busy.

Simon was already packing all his medical supplies and expected the Captain to burst in to his room next, demanding and hollering dramatically.

But he didn't. He went to the last person they might have expected. He went to River.

He found her sitting in the cargo bay, barefeet hanging over the sides, looking more lucid than usual. But as soon as he sat down she spoke, "She's still here."

Mal finally let out a breath.

River's face pinched, "Cried out for you at the first, just once, without her voice. Now's she's weak….trying to hold on….but she feels hopeless…..trying to wait for you."

Mal's temporary relief vanished and he started barking out commands again, "Wash, can't we get anymore speed? Kaylee? Gimmie all you got!"

A sudden lurch as they nearly doubled in speed sent him slamming into the railing next to River again. He gave a half-smile into his comm.. "That's more like it!"

They arrived to Shihon in record time but still the door's would not open fast enough and Mal practically bolted down the ramp to the High Priestess who was regarding him with surprise. But he was too blinded by his own feelings for once, to notice anyone else's.

"Captain Reynolds," she said, but then seemed to regain herself and spoke in a soft, controlled tone laced with sympathy, "I see you hurried. I'm sorry, she's passed."

Mal's whole body deflated and Kaylee's hand went to her mouth to hide her sob. Everyone had been braced for action, Simon with his medkit, Jayne with his guns, and they all just froze.

Shiloh waved a hand and another girl appeared, younger with wide, blue eyes, "Ena, take Captain Reynolds to Inara's room." She met his eyes, "She left you some things."

Mal slowly, slowly reacted. He waved his crew back onto the ship and they slowly went back, Simon supporting a crying Kaylee.

Mal followed Ena through a complex weaving of hallways in the ancient temple to a small room with tall, lovely windows that let in the sun. It was decorated, unlike her shuttle, in lovely shades of blue with silk sashes hung and draped as he remembered her style. Ena did not speak until she had shut the door behind her and sat him down.

He was still numb from shock as she pulled out a box and slowly opened it.

"Inara left you just one thing," Ena said slowly and watched his face as she offered it to him.

He gazed down at a beautiful, hand-crafted amulet of sorts, strung on a chain. It was a finely featured phoenix if his guess was right. A bird shaped much like his ship he realized and wondered if that was why she had left it for him.

Ena was watching him intently and finally frowned, "Do you know what it is?"

He had to work his throat for a moment before answering, "It's a mighty fine necklace, reminds me of my ship."

Ena looked quite shocked, "It's her Bǎo shén!" she said and Mal really wished he had researched that Companion stuff before.

"Isn't 'shén' Chinese for soul?" he asked.

"Of course!" Ena admonished, then gestured, "She made this. All companions make one when they first train. It….how do I explain? It represents, everything they put aside to become a companion. They wear it while they train and learn control. Then they take it off when they're ready. Everyone chooses a unique animal. It is only returned to a Companion at her death. She is buried with it as her whole self, not just what she has chosen to become."

Mal swallowed hard and picked it up with suddenly unsteady hands.

"Inara wrote that she did not wish to be buried with it. She wanted you to have it."

He slowly put the necklace over his head, fingering the heavy pendant and staring at it for a long moment. Finally he saw it; what she offered; what they had. It had been there, between them before they even met. The firebird she had left behind. The ship she had walked onto that looked so like it. She had taken a chance and left what she had become behind a little, to explore that old self again.

Now Ena moved to his side, "I read her zuì hòu tuō and then the High Priestess asked me to send you a pre-recorded wave a few days from now. I thought it very odd to wait a few days when I heard from the other girls that she asked for you when she first took sick. So I watched the wave. And I realized something is wrong. They wanted to wait until she was dead to send it, but she wasn't yet."

Ena took his hand, touched something on her wrist that he suddenly realized was a scrambler. She had been facing away from whatever camera's were in the room but now she turned and met his eyes, "She isn't dead yet."

"What?" Mal blurted, knocking things over as he stood, "Where is she? Take me to her! Fool woman! Why didn't you tell me before!"

"I had to know for sure I could trust you! And I can't just take you to her she's heavily guarded! I might get you in, but not out again! She can't move or speak anymore, I think there's nothing to be done!"

But Mal was already on his feet, mind clear and back in control, "You just leave that to me. Get me a secure channel to my ship!"

When Wash appeared on screen Mal wasted no words, "Inara isn't dead! Get me Zoe, Jayne and the Doctor and let's bust her out of here. Something's very wrong!"

Zoe appeared on screen a second later, "Give me co-ordinates Sir, and we'll be there."

Ena gave him the exact location and then they were off. Ena ducked him through a hidden panel near the main hall though, "I can get you in, but it'll take your friends to get you out again!"

Mal nodded and hurried through. Short moments later they were coming out the grate in a white room where Inara lay on a white stretcher, a few monitors hooked feebly to her announcing her heartbeat with steady beeps. He was to her in seconds, her face pale and drawn and finally free of cosmetics. He gently touched her cheek, "Inara, Inara wake up…." He said gently, leaning down close to her ear, "Come on Bao bei, wake up!"

Ena looked close to tears, "She hasn't been able to open her eyes or speak for days, we think she's slipped into a coma. It's mercy considering what pain she was in!"

Mal's face pinched with despair and he threw a glance to the main door—where were they?!

He gently took her hand, "'Nara can you hear me?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin when she gave his hand a slight squeeze in return.

"'Nara! You can hear me?"

Another squeeze and he felt an explosion in his chest, more feeling than he thought he could survive. His other hand was at her face and his mouth was near her ear again, "I'm getting' you out of here, just you sit tight. I ain't gonna let anything happen to you, not ever again, you're coming home where you belong!"

She was trying to squeeze his hand harder, he could tell and watched a tear make its way down her cheek. Goram hell, what was wrong with her?

He was trying to sooth her but she wouldn't stop squeezing his hand and then he saw her trying to flutter her eyes open, but she couldn't. A terrible lump grabbed his throat as he used both hands to gently open her eyes. They were dilated and rolling but finally focused on him as more tears escaped, "I'm here, I see you…" he heard himself saying, "I see you……Doc's on his way, just you hold on…..hold on Nara…." His voice had gone hoarse.

And then the sudden sound of fighting outside the door announced the arrival of his crew. Two loud thumps, the sounds of bodies hitting the floor and then the door opened and Simon rushed in.

Mal let Inara's eyes close and took her hand again, "She can squeeze my hand but that's all!"

Simon had torn back her sheet and was pulling out scanners so fast Mal would never forget the sight.

"Inara," he said calmly to her, "Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

Mal felt her squeeze and nodded.

"Inara can you feel your feet?"

Inara wiggled her toes in answer.

"Ok, that's good. Are you in pain?"

Mal's eyes widened at her squeeze, "Yes, yes, a big yes to that!"

"Is the pain in your head?"

Two squeezes, "No!"

"Is it in your stomach?"

Mal waited, "Yes! Yes to the stomach!"

Simon tore open her white hospital gown and actually gasped out, so did Mal. There was a veining bruise like coloring over her abdomen where her blood was discolored as it traveled outwards.

Simon met Mal's eyes, "She's been poisoned."

Mal felt her squeeze his hand insistently, "She knows."

"I think I know what it is, Inara is there a metallic taste in your mouth?"

Inara squeezed once.

Simon nodded, "I need to get her back to the ship, quickly!"

Jayne and Zoe gave enough cover that they got her onboard in minutes and to the infirmary as quickly as they could—even with shrieking Kaylee having hysterics just ahead of them.

Then Simon was gently moving her to the table and saying, "I need to clean her blood. I need a blood match—"

Everyone's arm appeared instantly.

"I already know everyone's blood type," he smiled, "Everyone's a match save for myself and Jayne."

To which a look came into Mal's face that made Simon lay him down without question and shoo the others away.

Hours later Inara slowly came to. She found Simon's smiling face gazing back at her, "Hello there, feeling better?"

She smiled, "Pain's gone. Thank you."

Simon nodded, "Almost done. Have to clean your blood."

It was then Inara looked over to see Mal collapsed on a gurney beside her, his own blood coming out and going in via tubes and machines like hers. She turned serious but Simon gave a low chuckle, "Nearly everyone onboard was a blood match for you, but the Captain insisted…."

"Why is he unconscious?" she asked with concern.

"Don't tell the others, but he passed out once the blood started going up the tube."

Now she finally smiled, and her stomach rumbled, "I'm starved! I haven't eaten in days!"

She said it lightly and Simon realized she was saving her grief over the attempt on her life and her loss of home for later. He wisely said nothing but, "As soon as we're done you can head for the kitchen and let Kaylee dote on you, if she's stopped crying from happiness yet."

Inara laughed. And a short 2 hours later, she was in the kitchen, surrounded by everyone and eating heartily as they brought her things and hugged her and carried on.

River was still quite irked, "Felt you were still here. No one listened to me once we landed. All ran off without asking me!"

Inara squeezed her hand, "I think you saved my life," she said sincerely, "And I'm going to make you a dress…"

River smiled, "A pretty dress like yours would be nice. Wasn't me that saved you though, was your friend on Sihon, Ena, sent the wave early…"

Inara frowned, "You didn't receive my distress call?" she asked Wash who turned serious, "Distress call?"

Inara's eyes widened, "I managed to send one encoded, I thought, how did you know to come?"

"Your friend Ena sent us a pre-recorded wave from the High Priestess sayin' by the time we reached you, you'd be gone!" Kaylee informed her, "Apparently she was told to wait a few days to send it too, but she had a bad feeling and sent it early and we turned the engine inside out gettin' to ya!"

Inara's eyes misted up but she managed to stop herself, "I must thank her, and warn her what danger she might be in. I know who poisoned me and why. I can't believe another Companion would attempt my life just for my position!"

"She knew," River told her, "And she knows now who poisoned you, already planning to stop them…." Her eyes met Inara's, "She'll do it. She'll be fine." She assured her with a smile.

"Just as well the Captain's been busy giving you his blood," said Book, "Or I reckon he'd been insisting we turn the ship around so he could do it himself."

They all nodded knowingly.

And suddenly the Captain's voice could be heard bellowing from the hall to Simon, "—gave you leave to let her out yet? She needs more rest after what she been through! Fool Doctors and your ways!"

"You're the one who should be resting!" Simon was trying desperately to argue.

And then Mal was in the doorway, still swaying from the blood loss but covering it valiantly, "No one thought to wake me up for this party?" he said in mock offence.

Then his eyes met Inara's and she tried very hard not to break down—but failed.

"Don't you—" he got out before it was too late. But she was stumbling over to him in tears and he caught her half-way trying to look like himself still as he helped her to a chair and tried to shush her with everyone watching. But she clung to him and cried.

Because he'd saved her life. Because he'd come for her. Because it mattered.

She let her face fall under his chin and then felt it, that necklace, tucked inside his shirt. She tore open the buttons and pulled it out, crying abruptly ceasing and wide eyes meeting his. They held for a long moment as she realized and then, without looking at them, she told the rest, "I need a minute."

Everyone exited quietly and she tried very hard to let go of the pendant, but found she could not.

He had to work his throat again, "They told me you were dead when I got there," he finally said, "Ena had read your zuì hòu tuō and gave it to me."

She finally let go of it and pulled away, slowly nodding, slowly coming back to herself.

It was over, truly over, that life. She hadn't let it sink in until then. Had ridden on the joy of surviving the poison and coming home to Serenity again. Now she gazed very somberly back at him and he saw the loss in her eyes.

"I would have buried you with it 'Nara."

A slight hint of a smile quirked her mouth, "Liar. You would have worn it till your dying day and had yourself buried with it."

She was right and he nodded, "Yes I would have." He reached for it, "But you have it back now. I want your whole self on my ship—"

But she caught his hands and forced it back on him, "No!" she cut in and her emotions got the better of her again, "I am whole, don't you see? I am whole here! Keep it!"

She was clinging to him and everything was out. He knew what she meant, what she was giving.

That old self, that companion self, was dead, poisoned, gone forever. All that was left was her. All that he held on that chain was what she had been before that life. He was holding everything now, vulnerable and frightened and it made him love her more than he already had. So he let himself go too and caught her up tight and soothed away her tears.

She was his match, his mate and he suddenly understood why. What the hardest thing was for both of them. It was happiness. It was a fearsome, terrifying struggle but he wanted it. He wanted it and so did she.

"I mean to keep you here," he murmured.

"I mean to stay," she replied.

And he finally let himself kiss her. Promising himself to look up her ways, and decorate his bunk with some of those sashes for her, and find a good way to tell her he loved her.

Didn't realize he already had.

Kaylee was shoving her way to the window, "Are they kissin'? Is there kissin' finally?"

She let out a satisfied sound when she saw, "Finally!"

Wash smiled, "Think she'll stay this time?"

Zoe smiled back, "Yeah, I really do."