Unasked

I never asked for any of this.

I didn't ask you to come barging into my life with your stupid grin and your even stupider comments. I didn't ask you to buzz around me like a fat, lazy fly, waiting to get swatted. But I was more than willing to be the swatter.

But when I tried, the inconceivable happened. I lost. I never lost; I couldn't lose—I did, and was lectured for my pains. Who asked you what you thought of my life? Who cares if you think I'm selfish? Who cares if I'm materialistic? I don't, so why the heck should you?

But try as I might, I couldn't get him out of my mind. The words he said, his laughter, his friends, his victory, they all kept digging at my mind. Was my life really so frivolous? So petty? So…empty?

I refused to believe it. I lived the life the way I pleased and if he didn't like it, he could just kiss off and die. I didn't need anyone. Friends were for losers—people too weak to take care of themselves. Not me. I was tough; I was a winner, I was independent…I was alone.

Oh, bother it all, why wouldn't he leave me alone? I'd shut him up. I'd make him go away. But nothing I did worked. I couldn't get rid of him. And worse yet, I sought him out. I followed him, tried to help, tried to befriend him and his loser squad. What was I doing? I didn't need anything to do with the likes of him. I was a loner—always have been, always will be. I was self-sufficient. What I got, I got by myself—my way. I'd go it alone. I didn't need friends; I didn't want friends….until now.

No. I couldn't do this. I couldn't afford to go soft now. Friends were for losers, I reminded myself, losers like them. Oh, but they were such nice losers…

And before I knew it, there I went. I couldn't help myself. I became their friend, and I felt myself start to soften. All the little hard, ruthless pieces of Mai Valentine and her hardcore attitude began to crumble away. I was losing my edge, and I didn't care.

And that's when it all came crashing down. I was scared, and hurt, and so desperately alone. I'd never felt this alone before in my life. I opened my heart, and now there was nothing to protect it from being ruthlessly slashed apart. Friends were for losers, after all. Losers like me.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't be a loser anymore. I had to win. I had to be strong, tough, and independent. And if that meant no friends for me, so be it.

What had they done for me anyway, besides lead me to the shadows and leave me, lonely and afraid? Before I met him, I didn't care; I was happy on my own. Now the emptiness inside threatened to consume me, and it was all his fault. He had taken everything away from me. I hated him. I wanted to suffer. I wanted to make every bit as miserable and empty as I was.

But he still didn't give up on me. Stupid, stupid boy. Who asked you to stick your nose up my business again? Who asked to go after me, to try to save me? Save me from what? I did this, I chose this, this is what I wanted, all of it…But no…not all, not all. I didn't mean…I didn't want…Who asked you to sacrifice yourself for me? For me, who hurt you, betrayed you, hated you…why? So stupid, so reckless, so brave. I couldn't freeze my heart against his fire; my stony heart crumpled against the steel of his loyalty, his love.

I never asked for any of it, you know. I didn't ask you to come into my life and start changing everything. Changing me. I didn't ask for you to meddle and poke, and stir things up, for you to make me start caring about something besides myself. I didn't ask for friendship, or acceptance, or loyalty, or any of it.

I never asked you to love me, Joey Wheeler, you got that?

But I'm so very glad you did.