Disclaimer: If I owned Tangled…Maximus would have kicked Flynn Rider in the face. Repeatedly.
A/N: We all know why you're really here... The Stabbington Brothers are sexy. Duh.
FYI: This is Part Three to my Stab Bros series of oneshots. So, if you have no idea what's going on, that's why.
:3
Even Hardcore Broskis Turn Soft
A Tangled Oneshot
(A sequel to a sequel)
:O
The Stabbington Brothers, Viktor and Logan, lived a quiet life in a small rural village that sat snugly between the Kingdom of Corona and the Kingdom of Hevovitastamiutsto. The village Penn consisted of a few straw roofed huts, a bar, a market, and the town's prized milking cow that was owned by Old Scooter, a rather insane yet highly likable old geezer who gave the village children free rides in his wheelbarrow.
Penn was all good and dandy, but why the heck were the Stabbington Brothers living there?
Viktor, with his sexy eye-patch, worked and lived on Old Scooter's farm as a hired hand, tending to the cow and shucking the stables, while Scoot's very pretty daughter batted her eyelashes, showed too much cleavage, and served him lemonade when he got hot (which was conveniently often for them both).
Meanwhile, his brother Logan acquired the charming nickname Chops after taking over the village bar. Fondly recounting his old adventures in Corona, Logan lovingly redubbed the place the Flynn Kicker, which attracted a guffawing amount of attention from the local drunkards and thugs who got a good laugh out of the idea of kicking Flynn Rider in the shins.
Mounted on the wall behind the bar were two wanted posters of the infamous twins, offering a handsome reward to anyone who could offer information that would lead to their recapture.
To be on the safe side, Logan and Viktor had died their hair a sexy jet black. They were an instant hit with the ladies of Penn, though they did miss their flaming red locks on occasion.
"Viktor, you've gotta get rid of the eye-patch," Logan had hissed to his brother as the two stumbled out of the woods and onto the road leading to town.
Viktor's head had swiveled around to stare at him in barely suppressed horror. "But…" he choked, reaching up to touch it, "it's my trademark!"
"Fine, then put it over the other eye!"
Viktor then shrugged and switched his patch over to the other side of his face.
And with that, the Stabbington Brothers were dead, and the Jabbington Brothers were born (hey, don't judge; creativity isn't one of their strong points).
Anyway, the two lived peacefully in Penn for two years after escaping Corona and the mustachioed guards that held sickening devotion to Flynn Frikkin Rider.
It was hard at first for the brothers: adjusting to a crime-free life and shucking cow poo for a living, but eventually they grew to love Penn and all it had to offer (Scooterina, on Viktor's part, and the party life that was generally associated with tending a bar, for Logan).
All was finally well with the Stabbington Brothers. After a life of crime and treachery and poorly attempted murder, they had found the will to settle down and live peacefully, like Mama Stabbington always wanted (actually, all she ever wanted was money, but it sounds better if she wanted happiness for her boys).
But of course it couldn't last; Flynn finally found them.
It was a terrible night.
Viktor had finally mustered up the courage to propose (PROPOSE!) to Old Scooter's big bosomed, lemonade-serving daughter, and Logan was out having the time of his life with the local thugs, when a charging team of guards came tearing through Penn, led by Eugene Fitzherpes himself.
The town cow mooed in alarm and bolted down the road, drawing the attention of everyone to the square. Old Scooter came tearing out of the Flynn Kicker brandishing a lethal bottle of ale and cursing up a storm.
Flynn reined Maximus to a stop and glared down at the senile old man.
"I'm looking for the Stabbington Brothers," he announced coldly, a dangerous glint in his eyes, "ruthless criminals that pose a dangerous threat to the Kingdom of Corona."
"To BEEP you are!" Old Scooter roared, waving his bottle of ale in Eugene's face. "I've never cussin' heard of any beepin Stabbington Brothers! Why the fetch do you beepin think they'd be HERE?"
"We received word that this village has been harboring them for two years," Eugene snarled, climbing down off of Maximus and resting his hand threateningly on the hilt of his sword. "That calls for treason."
Logan, keeping to the shadows of the buildings lining the street, quickly located Viktor and Scooterina in an alley between two houses, both of whom were staring wide-eyed at the scene occurring in the middle of the town plaza.
"Viktor!" Scooterina whimpered, clutching the front of his shirt as she worriedly watched her father from a distance. "What is he talking about?"
Logan met his brother's eye grimly. "I knew we should have moved on," he said bitterly.
Scooterina looked between the two, confused. She suddenly pushed away. "No," she whispered as she understood.
Viktor, looking torn, ripped his gaze from hers and looked back across the street.
Eugene and Old Scooter stood almost nose to nose now.
"Where are they?" Eugene was demanding. Old Scooter narrowed his bloodshot eyes and started to cuss some more.
"What are we gonna do?" Logan demanded, watching Scooterina warily out of the corner of his eye. She was still staring horror-struck at Viktor.
"Rider looks ready to tear the village apart," Viktor murmured, narrowing his eyes at their arch nemesis. "We can't let him do that."
It was Logan's turn to stare at him. "You want us to turn ourselves in?"
Viktor automatically glanced at Scooterina, whose ashen face abruptly turned concerned.
"Viktor, no!" she objected softly, her lower lip beginning to tremble.
"Do I fancy the idea of going back to that rat hole? *Cough* no!" Viktor growled, peering around the house and fixing Fitzherpes with a deadly glare. "All I know is I'm not gonna sit back here and watch him destroy Penn." He looked at Logan. "We've gotta draw him away."
Scooterina understood what that meant even before Logan. "You're leaving?" she choked, clutching his arm in terror. "For how long? Will you be back?"
Viktor tried to glance back at Eugene, but she gripped his chin and forced him to look right into her eyes. "Viktor."
Logan coughed and pointedly looked away. Why didn't he have a nicely racked girl gazing into his eyes and telling him there was no chance in *cough cough* that she was letting him leave forever? He quickly concluded life sucked.
"Gwendolyn," Viktor murmured from behind him, in a lovesick voice that made Logan change his mind. Puke, he never wanted to sound so pathetic.
When the two fell silent, Logan realized they were probably snogging like there was no tomorrow, so he kept his back to them and coughed loudly.
"So, yeah, Flynn Frikkin Rider is only a few feet away, and he wants our heads mounted on the wall of his bedroom, or have you forgotten?" he snapped when they continued on as if he weren't right there.
With an unpleasant squelch that made Logan slap a hand to his face, the two separated. "Right," Viktor said in a winded voice. Logan decided it was safe to turn around.
"What's the plan?" Logan asked. "Or would you like to continue groping your girlfriend?"
Gwendolyn blushed and glared, but Viktor actually seemed to be considering it, so Logan punched him in the face to snap him out of it.
"Never mind!" he snapped angrily as Viktor doubled over clutching his nose. "I've got a plan!"
;/
Growing impatient, Eugene shoved Old Scooter aside and in a few long strides crossed the plaza and threw open the door of the Flynn Kicker. The various thugs stationed inside lifted their dull eyes from their tankards and watched him cross the mangy pub, his eyes blazing.
"Where are they?" Eugene screeched, lifting up and hauling a table across the bar in his fury. He caught sight of the wanted posters hanging on the wall behind the bar and stalked up to the counter and jumped over it. Ripping them off the wall, he brandished them angrily at the staring thugs. "Well?"
The guards who had entered the Flynn Kicker behind him stationed themselves by the doors and barred the exits, watching the stewing thugs warily.
Old Scooter pushed himself past them, still clutching his ale bottle.
"Yer wastin' yer time, you dimwitted fragger!" he slurred, dropping into an empty chair at one of the crowded tables.
Eugene opened his mouth furiously, but a deep resounding silence descended over them all at a loud shout coming from outside… a hauntingly familiar roar…
"RIDER!"
Eugene shoved the guards aside and sauntered outside, his characteristic smirk falling into place.
Logan stood in the middle of the street, an ominous grin on his face as he shoved his thumbs into his pockets and watched Eugene make his way over.
"I hear you're lookin' for me!"
"And your brother, of course," Eugene corrected.
"Right, yeah, sorry. Viktor couldn't make it."
Eugene paused, suspicious. "Why not?"
"He had a previous engagement," Logan told him, which wasn't technically a lie.
"Oh, really?"
"Really."
They glared at each other.
"Well, are we gonna do this or not?" Logan asked coolly, extending his clenched fists. "Take me back to Corona."
Eugene blinked. "That's it?"
"That's it."
"What's the catch?"
"No catch."
"I don't believe you."
Logan shrugged.
Eugene narrowed his eyes and started to pace, his eyes trained steadily on the Stabbington Brother.
"You do realize this whole town is under suspicion? You've put everyone here in danger."
"They didn't know who we were," Logan said conversationally. "To them, we're Viktor and Logan Jabbington."
"Jabbington, huh?"
Logan shrugged again. "Better that than Eugene Fitzherpes."
Eugene flushed angrily. "It's Fitzherbert."
"That's what I said," Logan grinned brightly. "Fitzherpes."
Even some of Rider's guards chortled.
Eugene spun around and shot them daggers, then quickly redeemed himself by fixing Logan with a cooler stare.
Logan suddenly raised his hands to his mouth. "CAW! CAW, CAW!"
"What…what are you doing?" Eugene watched as he continued cawing at the night sky. "What the devil is wrong with you?"
Logan projected his voice louder. "CAAAAAAAAW!"
"Ah, shickles, that's my cue," Viktor said, disentangling himself from Gwendolyn and diving off the roof of the bar. He dropped down onto the boarded walk behind two guards and slammed their helmets together with a loud clang, even before anyone had time to react. Logan lunged forward and ripped Eugene's sword from its sheath. He pressed it dauntingly against the former thief's throat.
"Honestly, can't believe that worked," he told Eugene, who gulped against the quivering sword point. "Caw, caw? You fell for that?"
"Here's what we're gonna do," Viktor added, disarming the other two guards, "Logan and I are gonna leave Penn," he walked forward and kicked Eugene in the shins for emphasis, "and you're going to go back to Corona and deliver a message to the king for us."
Eugene, who was awkwardly doubled over, the sword still pointed at his throat, looked up at them with narrowed, pained eyes. Viktor had kicked him pleasantly hard.
"Tell the Kingy," Logan hissed, pressing the sword a bit harder against his skin:
"—that we are taking this personally—" Viktor snarled.
"—and that he's going to regret—"
"—ever letting you—"
"—step a dainty foot in our village."
Logan abruptly removed the sword and Eugene surged forward, his breaths coming out strangled and deep.
"Next time we see you, Rider, there will be no more chances of you playing messenger boy," Logan warned, his voice full of malice.
Viktor kicked him in the shins again.
Logan shoved his face into the dirt with his boot.
Old Scooter came hobbling out of the pub, and made sure he stepped on the guards as he passed.
"What's his problem?" he asked, looking down at Eugene, who was curled up and clutching his legs to his chest. The old man shrugged and randomly broke his empty bottle of ale over the boy's head.
Gwendolyn slid down off the roof of the Flynn Kicker and hurried over to them, where she then threw her arms around Viktor's waist.
"Don't go, don't go!"
"You're leaving?" Old Scooter asked. "Why?"
Logan shrugged. "We're the Stabbington Brothers. We're not supposed to be happy."
Old Scooter frowned and scratched his stubbly cheek. Then he nodded at something over their shoulders, as if making a very important decision. "Take the cow."
"Excuse me?" Logan raised an eyebrow, but Viktor's mouth dropped open.
"We can't take the cow!"
"Sure yeh can! Now take it!"
"Seriously, we don't need a cow," Logan insisted, suddenly finding the whole thing really weird.
Gwendolyn twisted around them and both brothers turned around and watched her lead the dairy cow over to them. "Take her!" she demanded, shoving the lead rope into Viktor's hands. "A reminder of Penn," she added quietly. "You have family here now. Come back when it's safe."
Viktor smiled sadly at her. "It won't ever be safe for us."
Eugene stirred angrily beneath their feet, and Logan clapped his brother firmly on the shoulder. "We better go."
Something beyond Logan's shoulder caught Viktor's attention. He passed the cow's rope to his brother and nodded over at Maximus, who had been watching the whole thing with what was undoubtedly much amusement.
Logan raised his eyebrows. "Do we dare?"
"Oh, we dare," Viktor assured him with a twisted smile.
"That'll give him more reason to come after us."
"Let him try."
xD
Gwendolyn and Old Scooter waved from the road as the four figures made their way across the slowly lightening valley.
"This is the worst thing you've ever talked me into," Logan growled, a pained grimace on his face as the cow lumbered across the grass beneath him. "Why do you get to ride the horse?"
"Because I'm the one with the apples," Viktor snapped back.
"Eventually, we're gonna run outta apples," Logan pointed out.
Viktor scowled at him and readjusted the stick in his hand, waving the apple tied onto the string in front of Maximus's nose. The horse, driven completely by his dire love of apples, munched on it happily and kept walking.
"How are we supposed to outrun Rider on a lazy cow and that thing?" Logan groaned.
Viktor lashed out and beat him over the head with the stick.
"Where there's a will, there's a—"
"WOOLY MAMMOTH!"
"What?"
"I have no idea."
"I have one," Viktor said as a second thought. "To get us to go faster."
"Do tell."
Without warning, Viktor smacked the cow's hindquarters with the stick. With a startled cry, it lunged forward. Logan let out a blood-curdling scream of his own and threw his arms around the cow's neck to keep his seat.
Viktor laughed loudly and flicked Maximus's reins.
In response, the horse bucked him off.
It was going to be a long journey.
~(^.^)~
E/N: …well, alrighty, brain, if that's how you want it. Review? :3