The door opened swiftly and collided with a loud rap as it met the wall with force. The boy responsible for the commotion entered shortly thereafter, cheeks flushed under swollen eyes. Blaine Anderson collapsed on his desk chair and sank into it, sighing heavily. He wondered why, at such a time, he felt so little. His mind was numb with emotion, a sensation that angered him even further. He wanted so badly just to feel, instead of simply reacting because it was the only reaction his body could muster. His frame sunk forward, hands finding his face, shielding him from the harsh lamp light.
Exhausted. The only word he could find to properly describe his state. It felt as though a truck had collided between his brain and his heart, leaving him disconnected inside, deadened.
His whole body pulled him closer into the comfort of his chair, and Blaine knew that if he allowed himself, he would fall asleep within moments. Regretfully, he peeled his tired back and stood, somehow. He removed his blazer and slacks, shirt and tie, finally stripping to a simple t shirt and boxers. His whole self craved sleep so intensely; to ignore the word of his body would be insane. Blaine had no reason to resist – only sleep could keep his mind from remaining so entirely numb. Blaine felt the cotton sheets under him and was suddenly reminded of a time that Kurt had said something so profound; Blaine could never forget it, simply because it was so remarkably beautiful.
It was an incredibly long afternoon, the day Kurt and Blaine decided to start a new project, a mix tape, complete with a map – meant to be listened to when the other was away, or needed cheering up. They drove all day in Blaine's car, visiting spots they loved and chronicling it in harmonies and backtracks and bass lines they loved. The end result was a beautiful compilation of memories and unforgettable places that the two young boys had left their mark. They used a full tank of gas – finally arriving back to a perfectly empty Hummel household. The two, exhausted, wordlessly made their way in Kurt's quiet bedroom and folded into each other's arms. They simply laid with each other, drained of energy, happy, and completely content.
It seemed like an eternity that Kurt was quiet, his breathing a steady rhythm, letting Blaine gentry brush his fingertips over his forearms and shoulders. Blaine had never loved Kurt more than in that moment – watching him find complete peace. Eventually, Blaine felt Kurt shift his weight under his arm and maneuver slightly so his sparkling eyes could find an already smiling Blaine. Blaine raised an eyebrow at his tired, yet elegantly stunning boyfriend and twisted his smile into a curious grin.
"What?" he asked, starring into Kurt's eyes with such amusement, he swore Kurt could see the butterflies in his stomach just by glancing at him.
"I was just thinking…" Kurt drawled quietly, sweetly, like honey, "that even though we do so many amazing – scratch that – perfectly wonderful things together, nothing ever tops this. Just being with you. No interruptions. No rush," Blaine watched as his mouth formed the words, seamlessly, as though he were simply talking in his sleep. "Just… you, Blaine. Nothing but you. It's all I need. When I'm without you, or I have a rough day, this is the place I run to in my mind. In fact, if it were up to me, I'd never leave this bed," he finished contently, a small smile gracing his lips as he nuzzled back into Blaine without another word, not looking for a reply. Blaine watched as his eyes fluttered shut delicately. He placed a small kiss on the crown of his head, and responded, nearly in a whisper. "Yeah, I wouldn't either, Kurt. I wouldn't either."
And he meant this, now more than ever with each fiber in his body. The situation was the same – he was exhausted, in bed, and longing to be with Kurt for his whole life – nothing less. But this time, Kurt was gone. Not simply just a portion of him or his presence. All of him – every last lingering piece of Kurt was gone from Blaine.
Blaine ran to that place again with Kurt, just like Kurt told him he so often did – and he stayed there for as long as he could, his face buried in sheets desperately hoping that when he looked up, Kurt would be sleeping peacefully next to him again, just like always. But his shoulders shook and his body quaked with terror to look up. Because he knew that Kurt would not be there. And he couldn't stand to face that truth.
The tears flowed freely now, sad and angry and full of unspoken regrets. Sobs racked his body, as if the more he cried, they more he felt, the more Kurt would know how much he loved him. He would have killed anyone at that moment for the chance see Kurt again. To touch his hand or see his smile, or hear him say those words from his memory out loud, not just in Blaine's mind. His stomach turned into knots and his face twisted into an expression of absolute sorrow, knowing that he was the only one. He was alone. Blaine gripped his sheets and willed all of the sadness away, for it to subside enough to sleep. But suddenly he feared this notion all together, afraid that sleep would mean forgetting, and forgetting would mean losing even just one memory of Kurt that he still kept.
Mourning, he reasoned, was his only option. Because to move on - no matter how anyone wanted to describe it –must at some point include forgetting. Forgetting a feeling felt for someone that you should never throw away. Once someone is gone, he realized, you put every ounce of energy you ever put towards loving them into your sadness. You miss them even more than you could ever know, because this is the only thing left to feel for them. So when you move on from mourning, you are moving on from loving them, too. Blaine would keep being sad for Kurt for now, forever. As long as he could keep Kurt alive in his mind, then he would never give up on loving Kurt, even it meant in the form of mourning him for good.
The cotton sheets beneath him now soaked, Blaine let his tears fall without complaint. This was his new burden to carry – a sorrow he would come to know well, to keep Kurt with him. If this is what it took, then Blaine was willing. If this was how he could keep loving Kurt, he would do it. He would never stop loving Kurt Hummel. Not ever.