A/N - Hello, readers. It's been awhile but here is the next installment in the Boston series. I'll probably be updating a tad slower than usual with this fic but bear with me. I'm writing/editing as fast as my sanity can allow. Have fun reading. :)
Disclaimer - Don't own R&I or any of its elements. Tess, JTam, and TNT, please don't sue me for playing with the characters. They will be returned safely upon completion.
Reminder: I have no assistance in editing. I go it alone. Any mistakes, typos, and errors are all my fault.
Orange Colored Sky
Fifth installment in the Boston series
"Let's have a baby."
And with four simple words – not including the contraction – Jane Rizzoli somehow found herself sitting in a comfortable, albeit disconcerting, medical office. The room was what one would expect of an office of this type, meant to soothe worries while unknowingly creating even more wrinkles in the fabric of calm that every single man or woman has tried to pull off in a room like this. A polite sniff of the filtered air reaffirmed the tall brunette's suspicions concerning her disbelief of any kind of human presence being born in the sterilized factory.
"We're not having a baby."
A comforting squeeze from her longtime lover and best friend, Dr. Maura Isles, chief medical examiner, did little to calm Jane's nerves. In the back of her mind, she was annoyed, annoyed at herself, Maura, and even the one who had caused this whole mess. The little girl who had started this whole mess of maternal need in the blonde was gone, leaving her to direct her anger at the only person left that satisfied her ego.
If it wasn't for you, Maura, I wouldn't be here. You want a baby. I'm just the baggage that's coming along for the trip.
But that was wrong. Jane loved Maura more than life itself. In the last couple of years, their friendship had developed from a close bond to a mating of kindred spirits. She couldn't imagine her life without the blonde in it, at least in some capacity or other. Everything had been perfect – well, at the very least, a varying shade of perfection – until…
"Dr. Isles, I'm so sorry for being so late," a voice said from behind the two of them as she walked into the closed walnut door. Jane turned to see the petite woman glide gracefully into the office, her white doctor's coat shining in the sunlight streaming in from the window. Light blonde hair framed the maternal energy radiating from her soft, green eyes. An obsessive desire to hug the older woman and confess her anxieties surprised the detective.
Jane watched curiously as the doctor welcomed them with the typical pleasantries. About time, Jane thought ruefully, giving the older woman an annoyed glare from her seat. After driving like a mad hatter through Boston while listening to Maura's whining about being late for the damn appointment, signing in at the desk, and then being told to wait for thirty minutes, they were dropped off in the doctor's office to – you guessed it – sit and wait for another ten minutes.
God, she hated doctors like the plague. They all acted as if spending all day reading an issue of People from the '90s is the typical busy woman's idea of fun.
Damn, doctors. That's all they ever do is tell you to sit in a hard chair, wait like a good little girl, and read old issues of Holly Homemaker while your body takes on the same shape as the damn seat. Damn doctors, damn seats, damn Maura, and goddamn Clementine for causing all of this.
"So, you two are here to start the process of having a child together," the doctor said sweetly. She turned her attention to Maura. "This will be your first?"
Maura smiled. "How could you tell?"
"Your wardrobe," the doctor said with a wink. "I've seen my share of mothers in my day but none have ever come into the office wearing a Chloé blouse and Balmain leather pants." She appraised Maura's pants. "Loving the fluorescent purple, by the way."
Jane looked over at the bright assemble her girlfriend had decided to don for work in the morgue. The blouse's understated pattern of roses printed against a sheer fabric that nearly exposed the sexy cut of her bra still managed to cause her breathe to catch in her throat. Paired with the panache of neon purple, skin-tight, leather pants, she had had to spend most of the time upstairs at her desk for the day to prevent risky business occurring in the Maura's office.
Maura blushed. "Yes, this will be our first," she said, turning toward the reluctant brunette next to her in an obvious attempt to involve Jane in the process. The emphasis on the plural possessive wasn't lost on the detective, but she refused to acknowledge. "We've wanted to do this for some time now. But now feels like the best time. We're not getting any younger."
"Biology waits for no man or woman."
The two share a hearty laugh, leaving Jane feeling like a complete dumbass of the highest proportions. Honestly, she didn't feel as if they were getting old. She constantly told her girlfriend about her Aunt Theresa who had a baby (supposedly…) the old-fashioned way when she was 69 (allegedly…) but Maura kept insisting that, medical miracles in the Rizzoli family aside, they were rapidly approaching the end of possibilities for having a child of their own.
Half of Jane's mind had to agree with all of the scientific jargon spouted at consistent intervals from the eccentric medical examiner concerning the decreased lack of fertility and increased risk of birth defects that came with pregnancy after forty. All of it made sense. No denying that much.
Yet accepting logic as sensible didn't do much for the niggling doubt that loved to play in the shadows of her mind whenever Jane least expected it. That doubt…she couldn't quite explain it… What was it?
Understanding complex emotions were beyond her emotional range. Grief, psychosis, joy, love, ecstasy…those were emotions she could comprehend. This weird amalgamation of doubt, worry, and – oddly enough – guilt defied all of the usual methods of understanding. She didn't know what was worse, the feelings or the not knowing how to change those feelings.
"Ms. Rizzoli? Do you need a minute?" the doctor asked politely, interrupting Jane's thoughts.
With a look of concern, Maura turned toward Jane with a slight frown. "Jane…"
"I'm fine, really." Jane said. She returned her focus back to the mountain of paperwork accruing on the doctor's desk. "Woah, hold the phone. Listen, doc. We already raced here across town to make sure we had enough time to waste writing our entire life history down in the waiting room. I refuse to waste more trees."
"I didn't take you as a tree-hugger."
Jane smirked. "I'm not. I just don't want to write anymore. My hand is in critical state of pain. There's gotta be some kind of governmental limit on writing your social security number in a public place more than ten times."
"If you're intimating that someone would steal your identity, the assumption deterrence act of 1988 would ensure that-" Maura started. As usual, the brunette gave her a look of disapproval, muting her fun factoid before she could even get started.
The doctor chuckled at their behavior. She took an expensive fountain pen from her desk to write with. "Well, I can assure you, Ms. Rizzoli you are finished with your half of the bargain. This is my burden, I'm afraid." She made a comical expression of faux sadness before grabbing the small stack of papers to enter into their folder. "I'm just going to ask you two some questions regarding the status of your relationship. After the boring stuff we'll continue with the more exciting stuff. By the way, it's Dr. Rose."
Jane seemed slightly puzzled. "What's Dr. Rose? The name of your favorite chardonnay?"
"My name is Dr. Rose," she clarified, pointing at her monogrammed white doctor's coat with the name and credentials.
With a slight blush of embarrassment, Jane focused her attention to a particularly interesting seam in her black pants. She ignored the sound of laughter coming from the woman beside her.
"How long have you two been together?"
Maura smiled. "It's been about three years now."
"Three years?" Dr. Rose said with a raised eyebrow. "That's longer than some women keep a pair of shoes. How did the two of you meet? If you don't mind me asking."
"It's alright. You wouldn't be the first to ask." Maura looked over at Jane with an affectionate gaze. She moved slightly on the couch to hold the brunette's hand. "Jane's a detective with the Boston Police Department. We've been friends for several years. I met her when she was still in the Drug Unit. She needed a loan for a donut and coffee while undercover as a hooker."
Jane smirked. "She means when we started our relationship, Maura."
Maura looked in confusion between Jane and Dr. Rose before giving herself a playful slap on the forehead.
"Ohh… Well…that's a long story. Let's just say Jane's jealousy got the best of her and she finally got the courage to tell me how she felt about me."
"I was not jealous."
"If you say so, honey," Maura placated, patting Jane on her arm. "It's been kind of hard to balance our work schedules with each other's needs but we're doing much better. We think now is the best time to work on expanding our family." She turned to her girlfriend with an excited smile. "Right, honey?"
"Yeah…sure," Jane answered, moodily.
A heavy silence covered the room as she looked down at the engraved silver ring on her left hand, lost in thought. Both Dr. Rose and Maura turned toward her with furrowed eyebrows, unsure of her girlfriend's state of mind. It was unusual for Jane to be introspective given how impulsive she tended to be. The blonde gave her a playful poke in the ribs, right above the bullet scar from two years ago.
"Jane?" Maura asked. "You alright?"
Jane nodded slightly. "Sorry, I'm just a little preoccupied."
Dr. Rose wasn't an idiot. She had seen her fair share of couples and immediately recognized a relationship dealing with underlying issues. She couldn't quite place what was wrong with the two women who were obviously smitten with each other but knew it could potentially be a problem in the future. In her experience, Dr. Rose knew that expanding a family would always bring to light the problems in even the best of relationships.
"So, do you two have experience with children?"
Suddenly, the two women's moods visibly darkened, despair plainly evident. Jane, the stronger of the two, gave little indication to her thoughts except a slight twitch of her lips but Maura looked away, her hand gripping Jane's as if it was a crucial lifeline.
Dr. Rose put her pen down from scribbling at the mandatory write-up on the couple. "We can discuss this at a later date if it would be easier for the two of you?"
"No," Maura said authoritatively, ignoring the slight tremble in her voice. "We took care of an orphan child a couple of months ago. She was about eight months old when we decided to take care of her until a member of her family could be found. Clementine…we got attached and…" A shaky breath filled the room as she struggled to retain her composure.
Jane quickly took over. "She took a turn for the worse. The whole thing was a mess." She sighed, rubbing her temples in exhaustion. "I can assure you, doctor, we took great care of her. Took her to those mommy-and-me classes, bought her monogrammed clothes, the whole nine yards."
"You fell in love with a child that wasn't yours to love."
Both Maura and Jane released a heavy sigh of approval before sinking down in the plush, black sofa of Dr. Rose's office.
With a polite cough, Dr. Rose resumed writing. "What about your work schedule? I'm sure it is beyond hectic. Are you prepared to adjust your lifestyle for the time that a child needs?"
That's a good question, Jane thought, wishing she knew the answer. Maura was beyond ready to have a child but she was more comfortable on the fence about the whole thing. Being a detective was her life, her identity, her purpose. The idea of giving it all up to ride a desk all day while her friends run off into the line of fire was regressing backwards, throwing everything she had worked for away. She couldn't do that…could she?
"Yes, we're ready," Maura said, interrupting Jane's thoughts to the contrary.
With a sigh, Jane took her arm away from Maura's in annoyance. Ever since their fight in the car after Clementine's passing, the blonde had made it increasingly difficult to voice her concerns.
Maura was tired of waiting and Jane couldn't blame her. Having a child was important to her and it always had been. After the reaming she had received, she knew her complaints would just be seen as another way to drag her feet about the one thing important to Maura, having a child together. Maura had made it perfectly clear that this was happening, regardless of whether the hesitant brunette was on board or not.
"I think we're nearly finished with most of the preliminary questions," the doctor said comfortingly, interrupting Jane's thoughts. "Just a couple more and we'll wrap up. The first meeting is usually the longest."
With a nod, Maura released a small laugh of understanding. "I did a residency with a neurosurgeon. The wait of the initial consultation with patients was literally three hours of endless questions. Nothing could be as bad as that."
"I'm sure. Neurology can be trying at the best of times. Who'd you study under?"
"I don't think you'd know him. Dr. Thompson? He retired-"
Jane coughed loudly. "I really hate to interrupt your doc-romance, but I'd really like to finish this up." She turned toward Maura with a frown. "You know I'm on call, honey."
Maura narrowed her eyes. "Jane…"
"No," Jane commanded. She rolled her eyes in subdued annoyance. "Don't make that face. I told you when you scheduled this appointment that I'd be on call."
"You're always on call," Maura stated, her voice flat and emotionless. "If it was up to your schedule, the appointment would have been made for next year."
Jane turned back to her girlfriend, brown locks lashing her face. "Are you kidding me? You know that I work. Unlike you, I don't have a schedule that I can rearrange whenever I feel like it or have a shopping craving."
As the two women continued to bicker with each other, Dr. Rose looked up from her report. Normally couples wait until after the baby is born to show their dysfunctional colors.
Deciding to reserve judgment on the two women, the doctor continued with the comforting smile as before. She grabbed a small tin off her organized desk.
"Would you like a cookie?"
Jane stopped bickering with Maura to return her attention to the doctor. "I'll take one." She took a pink wafer into her fingers, using the sweet finger food to avoid her girlfriend's judgmental face. The same comforting, slightly unsettling smile continued to grace the older woman's face as she turned toward her computer to type.
"Now to the nitty-gritty part of the consultation," Dr. Rose said. "Are you two looking to adopt or try in vitro? Both methods are viable but they each have pros and cons to weigh."
"We'd like to try conceiving first," Maura replied. "Adoption is always an option, but it's important to me to at least try to have a child the natural way."
The doctor nodded. Her hands sped over the computer key strokes with precise motions. "So you two have already made a decision for Maura to be the mommy? Most same-sex couples take months to figure out who's going to handle mommy duty. You two are already ahead of the game."
"Umm…no offense, Doc', but we're both planning on being the mommy," Jane said.
With a laugh, Dr. Rose stopped typing for a brief second to give the couple a bemused smile. "My apologies, I should have clarified. I meant that Maura is going to be the gestational carrier for nine months."
Jane smirked. "I have no interest in turning into a balloon for an extended period of time. Besides, Maura wants this far more than I do."
Even Dr. Rose couldn't stop her eyes from narrowing at the brunette's insensitive comment. Jane, however, hardly noticed the looks of complaint from the doctor and her girlfriend, instead focusing on the screen of her iPhone. "Damn it, Frost. Stop sending me mp4s or gifs or whatever this is."
"Jane…" Maura warned, poking her to regain the woman's focus. "I wish you'd stay focused on the matter at hand."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jane muttered.
Jane moved to put her phone back on sleep. She chose to ignore Maura's frown of disapproval. Dr. Rose stood up to cross the room toward a large, tastefully placed wooden file cabinet. The cabinet opened with a creak of complaint but slid outward without catching. She took out a large catalog that seemed to have the same weight as a Gutenberg Bible.
"Both adoption and in vitro can potentially take around the same time. There's no harm in picking one over the other," she said, sliding the weighty tome across the desk. "This is the most recent publication from all of the donor facilities in the United States. I'd suggest picking several that interest you just in case there is low compatibility between egg and sperm. Everything from pictures and basic donor information is there so feel free to take it home and discuss it. Some couples prefer privacy when making decisions such as these."
Maura smiled. "That won't be necessary. We already have someone in mind. He's already expressed interest so we're hoping it all goes well."
"Well…" Dr. Rose grabbed the catalogue and put it on the floor. "You two are going to leave me with little to do. Guess we can move to the next step. I see from your files that you and Jane both have your eggs frozen at our fertility clinic. I'll send a request to start preliminary tests. If your potential donor comes through, we'll move from there."
"How long should this process take?"
"Depends," Dr. Rose said. "Some couples have taken as little as two to three months before implantation while others have to go through several years. It's all relative. But you've done most of the hard work already by having a potential donor in mind and determining the gestational carrier."
Maura nodded. Unexpectedly, a loud vibrating sound comes from Jane's side of the couch. With a slight shake of her head, she turned toward her girlfriend, knowing that the inevitable had occurred. Jane was being called to work, thus ending their shared day off. Alone time was beyond hard to find given the wacky nature of their schedules. She was beyond disappointed despite the brunette's bad behavior.
"I got to take this," Jane said, already beginning to stand up. She seemed relieved to have something, anything to take her away from the office. "It's Korsak. Shouldn't be but a minute."
Before Maura could nod, Jane had left the spacious office to take the call outside. Maura turned back to the doctor with a smile, trying to keep the frustration from reading on her face. It was a lost battle.
"I'm sorry," she muttered. "Jane is always like this."
"Like what?"
Maura sighed, trying to find the best word to define the woman she still found to be somewhat of a mystery. "Dedicated."
"Children need dedication too, you know. From my own experience, parenting is hard enough as a single parent. It can be even worse when two parents have differing priorities."
Maura leaned back in the comfortable chair. Her eyes closed tiredly against her will. None of what the doctor was saying was surprising. God knows she had spent far too long thinking the same things during the nights she was forced to spend alone because Jane had been called out for an all-hands-on-deck homicide.
Maura couldn't help but hope that Jane would come around. She has to, the blonde thought, knowing how naïve it sounded even in her mind.
"I know," Maura replied weakly. "Trust me, I know, Dr. Rose."
-/-/-/-/-/-
With quick steps, Jane made her way to a small enclave near the doctor's office, each echoing click of her boots accompanying her powerful steps. In the back of her mind, she felt guilty for wanting to escape the consultation but there was little time to waste. The vibrating cell phone beckoned her back to work. Maura understood how much work meant to her. Work and family always came first.
The detective felt the phone vibrating for the second time. She took it out of her pocket, knowing who was calling instinctually.
"Korsak," she said authoritatively. "You got a case?"
"Can I at least get a hello first?"
"Hello," Jane added sarcastically. "Seriously, what do you have? I'm not getting any younger, Sergeant."
Jane's emphasis on her old partner's rank was a running joke between them and always elicited a laugh from the two experienced detectives. Korsak had always made it clear since his promotion that nothing had changed between him and the team, but Jane couldn't help to poke fun at him whenever the opportunity presented itself.
Occasionally, she felt pangs of annoyance regarding her own lack of juice with the higher ups to get an opportunity to gain more achievement. All of those cases cracked over the years meant nothing without juice.
Accommodations and medals were great for bragging rights but a rise in rank was the real golden star of a cop's career. Her old superior officer in the academy had told her that she'd been in the force for over ten years before finally rising to senior detective in the Gang Unit. Ten years… Jane couldn't even fathom the thought.
Unlike Lieutenant Grant, her old supervisor, Jane felt no desire to climb the ladder of meaningless politicking and two-faced dialogues to be the chief of police. She just wanted some visible respect for all of the time she had put in at BPD. Kids came in all the time with little to their name and got to rank up within a year. She couldn't even get her boss's attention.
"Ha-ha, very funny. If only we all could age as gracefully as you," Korsak said sarcastically. "I've got two teens in an abandoned building. Drug Unit decided to hand it over to us. They claim to be 'too busy on their end' for open-shut cases like this one. Not like we're busy." He made a slight sound of disbelief. "Coroner says it looks like an OD. Maybe PCP or one of those new designer drugs. Peyote, hashish, or something."
"Which coroner? Edwards? I thought he moved to North Dakota to start that dream restaurant of his with the do-it-yourself pancake bar?"
"No, one of Maura's new assistant interns. They all blur together after a while. Claims he won't be able to officially state a COD until Maura affirms. For once the narcotic guys aren't bullshitting us. It really should be a simple open-shut case."
Looking back in the general direction of the doctor's office, Jane frowned. "I'm doing some personal business with Maura at the moment."
Korsak sighed heavily. "You know how many times I've been called out during an intimate moment with any one of my wives? Far too often," he said. "Jane, listen, I know you've got your own stuff going on. I'm beyond happy for you and Maura finding happiness with each other. But you know I can't have you picking and choosing your cases at whatever time suits you. It sets a bad precedent. Next thing I know, Cavanaugh will be on my ass about not being on your ass about case assignments."
"I'm on desk duty."
"And that's why I'm assigning it. You won't have to leave BPD to get it done."
Jane rolled her eyes. She slumped against the wall, using the shadows to hide her frustration. God, I hate this. Picking and choosing between her girlfriend and her career had always been a problem, but lately it was becoming even more difficult to find the right balance. Starting a family and being a homicide detective were two full time jobs. There just wasn't enough time in the day to give her attention to both equally.
If only there was someone she could talk to who would understand… Maura, her usual choice for anything bothering her, was far too gung-ho about having a child to focus on anyone else but herself. Her mother had been completely dependent on her father and being a doting, Italian housewife. Asking her mother about establishing a balance between work and family was like asking a professional football player what he thought about wearing stilettos.
For the first time in her life, Jane found herself wishing she had been more feminine back in high school. Maybe if she had spent more time paying attention in home economics instead of running off to field hockey games and playing lacrosse on the weekends this wouldn't be happening.
Jane had always had more guy friends than girlfriends, leaving her with no one to consult with. The few girlfriends she had were more used to seeing her as the third wheel regarding children matters. She had just managed to tell them about her and Maura being together. Asking them, "Hey, when you were having little Jacob, did you ever feel like you'd be the worst mother in the world? Did the idea of him possibly becoming a serial killer ever cross your mind?" It was completely inappropriate. Maybe Frankie knows someone…
"Listen, Korsak, I know I'm asking for you to put your neck on the line for me again-"
"But you want me to anyway," Korsak finished.
"I owe you. Whatever you need, I've got it. No questions asked."
A slight pause over the line brought the subtle sound of crackling electronic interference from the medical equipment as Jane waited for his response. With every fiber of her being, she hoped silently that Korsak would take the case on her behalf. Maura was probably already pissed at her boorish behavior. The last thing Jane needed was to endure the wrath of her girlfriend's unique brand of rage upon learning that they would be leaving early to head back to BPD.
I can imagine what she'd say, "Oh, it's okay, Jane. Go on. Do what you have to do. You clearly don't want to be here while we go through the process of starting our family. Since you don't care, I guess I'll leave some sheets and a pillow out for you on the couch."
God, Jane thought miserably. Just the idea of that damn couch made her back spasm in response. The cold sheets and traffic from outside was like torture. If there was one thing she couldn't tolerate, it was the couch. The experience was similar to what she imagined Lucifer felt upon being kicked out of heaven to land in hell.
Korsak sighed reluctantly. "Fine, I'll handle it for you. But this is the last time. If you ask me again, I'm going to have to pull rank and bring out the big stick."
"Thanks, Korsak. I really appreciate it."
"Whatever," Korsak mumbled. "What the hell have you been doing with Maura lately anyway? Both of you have been taking more time off in the last couple of months than you've taken in the last five years. Is the whole…," he lowered his voice to a near whisper, "Clementine thing still affecting her?"
Jane started to trudge back to the office. "No…umm…it's just girl stuff. Maura loves to have…uhh…," she stuttered, trying to quickly glue some bullshit together, "pap smear dates. She gets so excited to get in those stirrups and talk to the doctor about yeast infections."
"Eugh…okay, that defines an overshare but thanks for filling me in," Korsak said awkwardly. He had learned far too much about his ex-partner since their coming out last year than he'd like. "I'll leave you to it then. Oh, Frost asked me to remind you that he's supposed to be coming over to your house for dinner tonight. I'm not even going to ask why you decided to leave me out of the loop when it comes to a free home-cooked meal."
Jane smiled as she reached the door of the office. "That would be wise. It's just some business we have to deal with. Thanks again for doing this for me."
Korsak made a sound of acceptance. The phone line cut off, leaving Jane with the growing anxiety of returning back to Dr. Rose, Maura, and the ever present omnipresent force that was parenthood. It was like living in the holy trinity of stress.
Think positive, Jane thought as she started to open the door to the office.
"Jane," Maura responded, turning to look at her girlfriend as she walked back to the couch. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, Korsak called to tell me about a case. He agreed to take the case though," Jane said. She hoped Maura would see the effort she made for their family.
"That's good," Maura replied, offering a comforting caress on Jane's hand. She quickly returned her attention to the doctor. "Dr. Rose was just detailing to me about the process of pre-fertilization testing of our eggs."
"Ohh…that sounds so fun," Jane muttered sarcastically, turning away from Maura's exuberance. "But why test my eggs? I'm not the one who's going to be the gestational carrier."
The doctor nodded. Her typical maternal smile was still in place. "Just a precaution. It's better to check both in case someone decides they want to be wear the maternity dress instead."
"Of course," Maura eagerly responded. Her eyes seemed to glow in anticipation of wearing custom tailored maternity dresses and the like. There was denying her excitement.
"Yeah…ditto," Jane mumbled, looking down at the stitching in the sofa. God, can I please get out of here? Someone pull the fire alarm or something 'cause I'm dying here.
"Glad we're all on the same page." Dr. Rose stood up from her desk to make her way toward the two women. "When testing is complete, I'll get back to you. From now on, you two both have complete access to me and my services. At any time, feel free to call me. Unless I'm in surgery or delivery, I'll definitely answer."
Maura moved to stand up and Jane followed reluctantly. "I will. As soon as we hear from the sperm donor, I'll tell him to call."
"Here," Dr. Rose said, taking out a couple of conservatively colored business cards. "Give him my card. The extensions for the sperm bank are on there. The sooner we can get him on board the better."
Maura nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Rose. I know how busy you are, but you're the best OB/GYN on the East Coast. We are beyond happy that you managed to squeeze us in."
"I'm always glad to help couples of all types conceive." Dr. Rose moved to shake their hands. "I can assure you that in nine months' time, we'll be welcoming a little bundle of joy into the world."
Upon returning the handshake, Jane moved to open the door for Maura. No words were spoken as the two women began the short walk back to the parking garage used for both Boston General and the attached birthing center's patients and guests. The only sound accompanying their steps was the familiar staccato beat of their heels against the smooth concrete floor.
As they turned the corner toward where Jane parked Maura's new car, an Aston Martin Rapide, the brunette still managed to salivate at the sleek, sexy lines of the machine. Maura had bought the black four-door grand tourer for the ease of transporting a child after trading in the DB9. Originally she had been depressed to watch the red sports car leave their family but, after taking the new purchase out for a test drive, it had quickly dissipated.
The sleek black lines of the beautiful machine seemed to be shaped by the wind, beckoning her with the same understated sexiness and luxury Maura had developed throughout her thirty-nine years of life. A smile crossed Jane's lips at the memory of her blazing down the freeway with the blonde in the passenger seat when they first bought the car a couple of months ago. She had been screaming at her to slow down, as usual, but the detective had ignored her, too absorbed in the alluring speed of their new purchase.
Jane couldn't wait to see Frost's expression when he saw this baby sitting in Maura's spot at BPD. He loved exotic sports cars almost as much as she did. Even more so after Frost had switched places with the blonde when she had went to racing school. They had been keeping the car under wraps for the time being, not wanting anyone to ask Maura – the only woman in the world who can't lie to save her life – any awkward questions that she couldn't answer, but she knew her partner would shit gold bricks when he saw the Aston.
"Jane, instead of drooling we could be leaving. Just a thought," Maura said, grabbing the keys from her motionless girlfriend's hand. "I've got to stop by the store to pick up some eggplant for tonight."
Jane narrowed her eyes before moving to open the door for Maura. "And that means I can't drive?"
"Jane," Maura pleaded, smiling. "I want to get there, not race there."
"I don't race…"
Maura rolled her eyes. "Your idea of going slow is going ten miles per hour over the speed limit. And we all know you don't like to go slow."
"Well maybe the speed limit shouldn't be so damn slow."
"Not everyone thinks 65 miles per hour is slow."
With an angry huff, Jane closed the door behind Maura as she got in the car. A fraction of a second later, she had gotten in the passenger seat, adjusting it slightly for her height before buckling up. After pushing the ignition button, the blonde slowly began to ease out of the parking spot, gliding into the late afternoon traffic of West End.
As Maura concentrated her focus on the road, Jane had to endure the silence that weighed down upon the couple. Driving in Boston was a full time task that required absolute focus, but Jane found the silence to be unbearable. It was right up there with sleeping on the dreaded couch…and the pink canopy…and tomato soup.
Maura better say something before I go crazy, Jane thought irritably, looking over at her girlfriend out the corner of her eyes.
As if right on cue, Maura saw her giving her the evil eye and smiled. "Jane?"
I know you're pissed at my rudeness in there but…I'm just not sure I can do this. Having a child is like the biggest step in a woman's life. I'm not ready for that kind of step. I don't know if I'll ever be ready, Maura. Please don't hate me…
"Yeah?" Jane managed to squeak out, waiting for Maura's reply that would require her to speak those dreaded thoughts.
Oh god…here it comes, Jane thought miserably. The detective visibly cringed in expectation for the inevitable.
"I forgot to ask if parmigiana is good for tonight. Frost told me he didn't mind, but I know how finicky you can be about food. If it makes you feel any better, I'm using Angela's recipe so it should turn out alright."
Jane frowned. "What?"
"I'm going to do parmigiana with eggplant tonight. Why do you think I need to pick up some eggplant? Did you forget? We just talked about it, Jane."
"No, I didn't forget. Yeah, sure, eggplant is fine." The traffic broke up slightly, allowing Maura to pull into the half-empty parking lot of the Whole Foods grocery store. She parked next to a small shaded spot near a small playground with a slide and a couple of swings to keep children entertained.
"I should be a couple of minutes. You can stay in the car, if you want?" Maura suggested with a smile.
I don't get it, Jane thought as she nodded. Is Maura really going to not make a big deal out of this?
Secretly, she wished her girlfriend would call her out on her behavior, but the detective knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. If Maura had some kind of punishment up her sleeve, she was choosing to play her cards close to her chest. She'd deal with whatever came her way, whenever it decided to present itself.
The sound of childish laughter brought Jane's attention to the two small toddlers playing in the autumn leaves of the playground. Two women watch over them with a protective eye to ensure their safety. The children seemed oblivious to the slight cold in the air, their giggles endless as they attempted to toddle after each other, mostly tripping over the mass of fall leaves.
With a jealous frown, Jane gazed at the relaxed confidence of the two female caregivers. Unlike her, they probably would never have to struggle between losing their identity to pursue an unknown role of parenthood or retain their identity to lose the one thing that meant the world to the other.
Jane closed her eyes and leaned back in the black leather seat. Why can't everything be like she imagined it would be? The occasional times when she had been running a fever and was jacked up on her mother's "special" blend of cough syrup (1 tablespoon of grape flavored Robitussin and just a pinch of rum…yes, rum) her younger self had fantasized what her life would be like with a traditional family. It had seemed so much easier back then…
-/-Fantasy-/-
"Honey, I'm home!" Jane called out upon entering her two-story colonial. Dressed in a stereotypical Dick Tracy-esque black pantsuit with a leather shoulder gun holster and cockily tilted fedora, she waited for her family to reply, carefully hanging her knee-length jacket on the hook. The detective adjusted the golden badge and trusty gun situated reassuringly on her body.
Relaxing into the comforting atmosphere, Jane closed her eyes. She took in the warm smell of dinner wafting from the general direction of the kitchen. The sound of playful giggling came from upstairs in the children's room as her perfect children entertained themselves with the dog. A low growl of childish complaint from her handsome son followed by the shrill counter complaint from her lovely daughter echoed through down the staircase, bringing a warm smile to her lips.
Everything is how it should be, Jane thought, her mind finally easing down from a long day at BPD.
Suddenly, a glowing image of beauty glided from the kitchen wearing a 1950s style housewife dress and accompanying matching heels. The scarlet fabric billowed away from her lithe legs, hugging each of the woman's curves like a lover. Each step accentuated the red highlights in her golden waves of carefully coifed hair, bobbing slightly in a counterpoint to the natural rhythm of her stride. Jane couldn't take her eyes away from the sight, but something didn't seem quite right…
"Maura?" Jane asked with a raised eyebrow. "What are you doing in my childhood fantasy?"
"I'd like to know the same thing. Is this what you see me as? A housewife from the 1950s? God, you know how repressed femininity was back then? Women's roles stressed dependence on men. Back in college, I was a proponent of feminism and improving gender relations. Going back twenty years and having men control their spheres of influence, leaving me with the duties of the house wasn't exactly something I hoped for in my future love life," Maura said disdainfully. She looked down at her wardrobe with a smile. "But I am loving this dress, sweetheart. It's so light, made for dancing. The red brings out my inner tiger. Rawr."
Jane smirked. "How come every time I fantasize about you, you're always dressed with the intent to tease?"
Maura rolled her eyes with a slight blush coloring her cheeks. "Stop asking me all of these questions. This is your fantasy not mine."
"So you're saying this is my fault."
"Are you seriously bickering with me in a fantasy?" Maura asked exasperatedly. "You're absolutely ridiculous. And could you do something about our two kids and that dog? For someone who's so against having kids, your fantasy seems to be piling on the responsibility. Two kids are a lot of missed nights of sleep for us. And you know I can't stand big dogs. They give me the jeebies-heebies."
"You mean heebie-jeebies," Jane corrected. "Okay, you know what… We need a new rule. If you can't get the saying right, then just don't say it."
"How will I get it right if I don't practice, Jane? Practice makes perfect."
Jane growled in annoyance of the blonde's ability to turn a simple comment into a discussion that she had no chance of winning. She does look gorgeous with that outfit like that, Jane thought as her eyes fully absorbed her girlfriend's attire. There was no other way to say it. Maura was glowing with a humming energy normally associated with the high-octane brunette. It was unbelievably sexy.
Noticing Jane's mood shift, Maura lifted a finger, shaking it warningly in the detective's face. "No way are you going to turn this into a sexual fantasy. I like the way I look at the moment. You'll ruin it."
"Last time I checked, this is my fantasy."
Jane slowly backed them into the general direction of the kitchen, all the while the children continued to goof around upstairs, completely oblivious to the developing firestorm building downstairs between their mothers. Despite her complaints, Maura offered little resistance to her aggressive actions which, unbeknownst to the blonde (or maybe not), turned her on even more.
"I thought you didn't want me to mess up your little outfit," Jane whispered against Maura's neck after hitting the solid mass of the refrigerator. "You don't seem to mind all of a sudden."
"Why waste the energy arguing with you?" Maura said, bringing her hands up to play in a mess of loose curls. "This is your fantasy after all."
"I think I've been a bad influence on you," Jane said with faux misery.
Maura lifted an eyebrow in response.
"You're turning into a smart-ass."
"How can an ass be smart? I guess the person connected to the ass can increase or decrease their intelligence through diligent study and education-"
"Never mind," Jane sighed. "Same old Maura."
Unexpectedly, the sound of a heavy weight hitting the floor reverberated through the house with the force of a dozen battering rams. What the hell…
As soon as Jane managed to disentangle herself from Maura's warm embrace, a team of men dressed in all black fatigues marched into her kitchen. Two hands captured Maura before Jane could even think or act.
"Maura!" Jane screamed, trying desperately to get her girlfriend back. Several seconds of yelling and cursing later, she found herself in the same helpless position as Maura squirmed in the tight hold of the man holding her captive.
Damn it, Jane thought in frustration. Having her perfect, idyll home rampaged by SWAT was never part of her childhood fantasies.
Turning her rage to the man nearest to her, Jane grabbed her holstered gun and pointed in wildly in his direction. "What the hell is going on?"
"You have to make a choice, Rizzoli," a familiar voice echoed through the room.
"What? Who the hell are you? How dare you barge into my house and start making demands."
One of the men from the group took off his face mask to reveal his identity before stepping forward.
"Come on, Janey. Put the gun down. We don't want to have to do something you'll end up regretting," Frankie commanded softly.
Jane turned her head toward her younger brother in confusion. "Frankie? I don't understand…"
"You can't have it all, Rizzoli," the masked man who spoke first stated. "A beautiful woman that loves and adores you with all of her heart; two children that idolize you; the golden retriever; the colonial with the white picket fence and large backyard... Where does that leave your career? A detective has to be on call at all times. A mother has to be on call at all times. Those two identities are non-compatible with each other."
With anxious eyes, Jane turned to Maura for support but the blonde was looking away, waiting for the decision that must be made. "This is ridiculous. Get out of my house."
Jane made a move to push the men out but they were immovable blocks of flesh and bone, hardly moving an inch. Their dead eyes tracked her movements from the small eye slits out of their masks, subtly encouraging her to cease and desist.
"You know what, this is a fantasy. All I have to do is imagine you guys away and poof." Jane closed her eyes tight and began to mentally chant the men out of her kitchen and return back to the smooth heat of Maura's bare skin. They aren't real. They aren't real. They aren't real.
"You finished, Rizzoli?" the masked man asked after a brief silence.
With a concerted frown, Jane peeked out of one tightly closed eye. "Oh c'mon… Why are you still here? You're ruining everything."
"You can't run away from this. It's time you make a decision."
"About what?" Jane spat out, the gun still pointed at the masked man shaking slightly in frustration. "Joining the Fraternal Order of Police?"
The man frowned, before quickly snatching the gun from her weak hand. "This is not a joke, Rizzoli. You've waited long enough. Two options, one solution."
"That's not fair. You're giving me an impossible ultimatum."
"You've given yourself an impossible ultimatum. You knew that becoming a mother as a homicide detective would require you to make this decision at some point."
Jane frowned. "You let Maura go and then I'll talk. That's the only thing I ask."
The masked man shook his head. "That would defeat the purpose of making a decision. We give you Maura and we'll leave you two to your lesbian domestic fantasy, but your badge and gun are coming with us."
Okay, now she knew these guys weren't shitting around. Her gun and badge were part of her; they made her into who she knew herself to be. The last time she was forced to give them up during the time she was sued a couple of months ago nearly broke her mentally and physically. She had managed to save herself from the brink of despair with Maura and Clementine's all-encompassing love.
I saved myself that time; I can do it again… But part of her didn't want to go through that hell again. Being a homicide detective had always been her dream. When she was a small girl, Jane had seen a homicide detective giving a talk on Career Day about the joys of working as a cop in BPD. Solving puzzles, seeing dead bodies, talking to new people, and helping members of the community in immeasurable ways…everything that he said encouraged the tomboyish, slightly awkward brunette to step out from behind her wall of hair and think about her future. Jane knew from that day forward that all she wanted was to become a homicide detective and help people. To give all that up seemed like cruel and unusual punishment.
"Have you decided, Rizzoli? Which will it be? The endless rewards of parenting or the endless thrills of detective work."
In confusion, Jane looked between Maura and the masked man. "Well…"
"Jane," Maura pleaded from across the room, struggling against her captive's firm hold. "You promised you would never leave me. Stay with me. Stay with our children."
"Maura…"
"Jane, don't listen to her," Frankie begged. "Being a detective is all you know. How do you think it's going to make me feel if you leave? You're my big sister, my idol. All I've ever wanted is to be like you."
Jane turned toward her brother. "And you still can be like me."
"I can't even get into Homicide with you there. Imagine my luck with you gone," Frankie sighed. "I guess I should just get my name engraved on my locker in Patrol. God knows I'll be there for the rest of my life."
"C'mon Frankie…don't say that," Jane said. She moved toward her brother to reassure him that everything would be okay, hoping that would be enough. Frankie was like her twin, everything she did, he tried to do even better. He idolized her; saw her as the benchmark for excellence. She had never thought that her brother might think of her as an obstacle to overcome.
Suddenly, a yell came from across the room where Maura was being held. "Jane! Please…don't go."
Jane turned back to see that with each step she took toward her brother, Maura was slowly beginning to blur and fade away from her memory. The gorgeous dress and matching heels were already beginning to disappear, leaving nothing but the naked, pale body of the woman Jane knew so well. Despite the beautiful woman bared in front of everyone to see, Jane's eyes were immediately drawn toward the small flash of light coming from the red-orange, fire opal ring on Maura's left ring finger, a symbol of their endless love for each other.
I can't leave her. I just can't.
With wavering steps, Jane began to make her way back to Maura, bringing the details of earlier back along with the sound of the children and the dog upstairs playing happily. Her nose filled with the smell of parmigiana, her heart brimming with love.
"Jane," the masked man said. "You realize what you're doing?"
Feeling slightly off-balance, Jane stops mid-step to notice that her gun and badge are disappearing with each step she takes toward Maura. A tickling sensation came to her eyes followed by the warm trails of tears as her mind tried to process that she was giving up her identity. No more Detective Jane Rizzoli. Now it's just Mrs. Jane Rizzoli-Isles. Eugh…it doesn't even roll of the tongue the same way.
Detective Jane Rizzoli has gravitas. Mrs. Jane Rizzoli-Isles makes me think…mom jeans, the never-ending spit-up stains on my favorite shirts, and forced smiles at three hour long recitals/athletic events. That sounds like a punishment, not a reward.
"Jane…"
"Janey…"
In absolute bewilderment, Jane looked between her brother and her lover, completely stuck in the middle. Despite being used to making decisions like this at work, it was a whole other thing to make a decision like this when it directly involved your own livelihood.
"Jane!"
-/-End Fantasy-/-
"Jane! Are you okay?"
In confusion, Jane quickly opened her eyes and noticed that she was still in the leather seats of the Aston. She turned to look at Maura who seemed genuinely worried for her girlfriend's well being.
"What time is it?" Jane asked, looking around the car with wild eyes. "Where's your dress?"
Maura tilted her head. "It's only been ten minutes. The line was a little long. And what are you talking about? I wasn't wearing a dress."
"Oh…," Jane mumbled, before shaking her head in an effort to separate herself from the fantasy and reality. "Uh…did you get your eggplant?"
"Yeah, they had a sale. Two for the price of one." Maura moved to give her girlfriend a comforting caress on the shoulder upon seeing the fear still running rampant in her brown eyes. "Are you sure you're alright, honey? It's not like you to take a nap in the middle of the day. Your batteries are solar powered."
Jane cleared her throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a little…anxious."
Maura started up the Aston to drive back home. "Don't worry, Jane. Everything is going to be alright. Before you know it, the baby will be here. You'll feel less anxious when a bond develops."
Yeah right, Jane thought miserably, turning her attention to the swirling blur of orange and yellow sky reflected in the tinted passenger window. The closer they got to conception, the more these dreams would continue to haunt her.