AN: set after the killing game. This is my first Fanfic, so be kind 

Disclaimer: The world of star trek does not belong to me. The characters do not belong to me. And no amount of tantrum throwing seems to be able to change that.

"Janeway to the bridge"

"Harry here captain. Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok are supervising the roundup of the Hirogen."

"Understood Harry… I'm on my way to the bridge."

" ummm….captain…"

"Let's hear it Harry, I haven't got all day….."

Harry's voice came out more like a squeak than a voice befitting a Starfleet officer currently in command of the bridge

"Th- the doctor requested that you go to sickbay before you return to the bridge….."

"requested?"

"….captain…" Harry squeaked out "he was quite insistent…"

Kathryn Janeway took a deep breath and blew out. Hard. It wasn't Harry's fault that they had an overbearing interfering know all …deep breaths Kathryn. "Tell the doctor I'm on my way Harry. She strode purposefully towards sickbay scattering crewmen in her wake. Time to remind that overrated toaster who was in command.

On the bridge Harry let out a loud sigh of relief.

The moment she strode into sickbay however, her seldom used, but much feared death glare morphed into a look of concern as she saw her first officer laying on a biobed with the doctor hovering around him with a tricorder.

"Chakotay…are you alright…"

He grinned flashing his dimples at his captain but before he could answer, the doctor, unaware of the tongue lashing he had just barely avoided, answered for him. "He's perfectly fine captain, although like all the crew members he has no memory of his time as the guest of our illustrious friends.

"Nazi wars and you posing as Maquis…I cant wait to read the reports on this one Kathryn." He scoured over her with another one of his grins and then leapt of the examining table and patted it. "Your turn" he said with a smile, already anticipating the reaction of the woman who had to be escorted to sickbay for her physical by both Tuvok and himself.

" I'm as fit as a fiddle doctor…good god I'm starting to sound like Tom… and I don't see why I need to be examined before you permit me to return to my duties."

Hearing the sarcasm in her voice, the doctor blithely continued talking with a fair bit of sarcasm evident in his own voice; "Now now captain…I'm sure there is no need to worry…you and Seven being the only ones who have memories of the holodeck, I'm sure you have reports to file and all that …but I'm sure that an examination will be infinitely more painless than trying to work out how the ship got overrun with Hirogen without any resistance."

She glared at him. Maybe the decompiling idea she had had on the march over here wasn't a bad idea after all… Tom was a decent medic and it would be worth it just never have to see that smug grin on his face or hear opera buzzing around her as the doctor hummed his latest fascination while giving her a once over with the scanner.

Once again, luckily for the doctor, the Commander came to his unknowing rescue.

She was assaulted with his scent as he leaned close to her prostrate form on the bed. His nose brushed against her skin as he made his way to her ear and she struggled to control the flush she felt spreading though her. Finally his lips blew warm breath softly across her ear as he said "are you sure you're okay Captain…I don't want to give the doctor cause for alarm. Because heaven save me from you if I give him a reason to run more scans … but you've never submitted to an examination so easily before. Are you sure you're alright?"

The evident concern in his voice was nearly her undoing 'Lock it up Kathryn…don't give him reason to suspect…'

"I'm fine Commander. If you're done here why don't you head to the bridge and give Harry a hand. He's still alone on the bridge and I'm sure that he'll appreciate the company after so long."

Reacting to the stiff formality in the tone of her voice, Chakotay straightened up immediately. "Of course Captain" he clipped out before spinning on his heel and, nodding to the doctor, he walked out of sickbay.

She blew out a deep breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding and glared at the doctor. He held up his hands in the universal gesture of defeat. "All right …All right, I'm done for now. As far as I can see you are fit. Though, I don't know if comparing you to a fiddle would be prudent in your present state of mind."

With a final glare she strode out of sickbay for what would hopefully be a long time.

Instead of for the bridge however Kathryn headed for her quarters and sat down heavily on the chair, not before ordering a cup of rejuvenating hot coffee. If there was one time that she needed it most, it would be now. After 4 years of resistance she had given in to the inexorable pull that she had felt from the first moment she had stepped in front of her current first officer and placed her hand on his chest.

She allowed herself a bitter sweet chuckle - at least she was the only one who knew she was guilty of the infraction of fraternization. How had she allowed herself to be swept up in the heat of the moment she would never recall. One moment she and Captain Miller were hiding in a dark alley as the Hirogen stormed by and then she was pressed up against the wall as he kissed her with passion that was imitated only in the fierce way her tongue duelled with his. He had an excuse. He was the American war hero, the dashing captain who had just escaped death yet again, with a beautiful French woman by his side.

What excuse did she have for not stopping him, however, when his kisses grew bolder… for not backing away when she felt him press against her and knew that if she didn't say no now there would be no stopping it. For the wanton way in which she surged against him and the way she cradled him as he lay spent afterward. She had none.

She realized that some small part of her knew that it was the only way the Captain would let Kathryn have what she so dearly desired and so she took the advantage while she could. When she sobbed out Chakotay's name he had stilled above her and kissed her tears away so tenderly that for a moment she thought that her cry of passion had brought him back to her…that it was actually the man she loved above her and not some obscure character in a holodeck program, but he had smiled tenderly and told her that it was okay that she called out for someone else… and the tears ran faster down her cheeks.

Wiping her damp cheeks dry as she relived that painful moment she rose from her chair and set the coffee mug on the table before her. She tried to convince herself that she did not really want Chakotay to know about what had happened. That she had not felt her heart ache when she realized that it was still captain Miller and not her Maquis warrior …her Maquis warrior?...not now, not ever Kathryn a voice inside her taunted. She straightened up and lifted her chin. It was time to go back to work. She had a starship to run and it was no use hiding in her room like a frightened cadet. Sooner or later she would have to face Chakotay again. Her only comfort was that he would never know. He would never be tormented by the memories of a few moments in time when it seemed that she had finally found her way home. But she did not regret remembering. All she had were the memories of their one night of passion And that would have to be enough… it had to be enough.

It was all she would allow herself to ever have.

Chakotay was worried about her.

Even the crewmen cleaning the plasma manifolds had to know. Wherever she went, there he was. In the mess hall he would come up and ask of he could sit with her…like it was still high school for God's sake. He walked her to bridge duty every morning and hovered round her ready room door when she was inside. She knew this because whenever she came out unexpectedly, he'd bump into him, at which point he'd give her a sheepish grin and skulk to his seat. It was getting to be too much. She couldn't sleep without dreaming about the night in the holodeck, and him hanging around her at every opportunity did nothing to soothe her frazzled nerves. Looking in the mirror a week after the Hirogen incident she took in her sallow complexion, the pale expanse broken only by the dark bluish circles around her eyes and thin red lines that marked her lips. No wonder Chakotay was hovering. She looked like she was terminally ill.

Remembering B'elannas's insistence that they start looking for dilithium pretty soon and then Tuvok's idea to approach a colony that they had picked up on long range sensors as being of the Bremar, a friendly race who were know for being fair traders in this sector (Or so Neelix told her) she decided that it would be the perfect opportunity for some shore leave. Even as she imagined Tuvok's eyebrows climb high at her announcement that she wanted to go on leave voluntarily, she came back to the problem of Chakotay. As much as he had been hovering lately, he would want to spend the shore leave with her. And that would work against her plans to get as far away from him as possible... she would figure that out when it came to it. Right now she needed to lather on some serious makeup unless she wanted to be dragged sickbay again. Shuddering at the thought, she picked up a rarely used foundation pack and set to work

Later the same day she stood in exactly the same place, muttering to herself and scrubbing the offending concoction off her face. She had managed to fool everyone but the person she was trying to. As soon as she had settled in her chair, he had leaned over - and as she breathed in languidly, delighted in the scent of his cologne, he had whispered " Are you sure your all right Captain ?…I've never known you to wear so much make up before". DANG IT ALL ?…was there anything the infernal man didn't notice? She sighed looking at her wan reflection now that the 'face paint' was gone. She couldn't wait for that shore leave.

4 DAYS LATER

"Captain we are entering the Bremar colony system. They are hailing us"

"On screen Harry" she said. Standing up as the main viewer came online she repeated her standard greeting in this quadrant. " I'm captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We are travelers a long way from home. I have heard of the hospitality of your people and we would like to discuss trading with you'll."

"Welcome to Bremar 5 captain. I am first minister Raoul. " said the alien on the main viewer. The Bremar were almost human like in appearance with a few subtle changes the most obvious one being the shocking colors of their hair. The first minister's was a bright yellow and behind him she could see flaming reds, deep blues and even a few lime greens. Concentrating on the first minister again she was pleased to hear that they were being welcomed as guests, and that before they would agree to trade the Bremar were insisting on organizing a banquet in their honor. At least nothing had gone wrong yet.

The next day she and a delegation of officers prepared to beam down to the banquet site. Along with Chakotay and Tuvok, four other junior officers were going along. As they rematerialized outside a large, majestic looking building, the First Prefect glided over and grasped her hand. Looking upwards, for he was almost 7 feet tall, she smiled as he enthusiastically welcomed them and offered to escort her inside. The only other option being to allow her first officer to escort her instead, she readily accepted and with a smile upwards, she walked into the hall.

Behind her Chakotay watched as she walked arm in arm with the alien man and squelched down the jealousy that had reared at the sight of his captain by another mans side. Telling himself to relax, that it was all in the name of a good trade, he put his hands behind his back and trailed after them.

Back on the ship Kathryn sighed as she took off her 4 inch heeled boots, usually saved for First Contact meetings. She needn't have bothered with them today –she'd had to crane her neck the whole night in spite of the boots. Having spent all her time with the First Minister, including dancing with him to avoid being asked by her First Officer, she had developed an ache in her neck that she knew would only be worse the next day. She sighed. Chakotay. She had been aware of him staring at her the whole time she was dancing and while she was seated beside Raoul, as the first minister had insisted she call him. She knew that he was wondering why she was pointedly avoiding him, but it couldn't be helped. The last thing she needed was to be held in his arms, even under the pretext of a dance and she had to avoid it at all costs. The trade negotiations were due to start the next day and after that she would ask if the colonies council would be willing to allow the crew to stop for shore leave. For now she had to concentrate on the negotiations, not on how delectable her first officer had looked in his dress uniform. With a wry grin she headed for a much needed soak in the tub.

Across the bulkheads in the next room Chakotay was pacing his quarters. She had all but thrown herself at the First Minister tonight. It had gone way beyond just politeness. And he was jealous. 'Of what?' he asked himself. 'All she did was dance with him. And it was not as if I have any right at all to be possessive about her... all she had done tonight was have a little fun.' Remembering how withdrawn she had become after the Hirogen had left and how sick she had looked afterwards, he couldn't be angry anymore. If that's what it took to make her smile, then it was okay with him. Almost. Muttering under his breath, he headed for the holodeck to use his sparring program.

The negotiations were complete. Happy with the final outcome, the Bremar had readily agreed to allow the weary travelers a brief respite. After announcing to the bridge that she would be in the first shift that went planet-side for a little R and R, she held back a smirk as she watched Tuvok's eyebrows begin their ascent. Her old friend would be appalled to know that he was just as predictable to her as she was to him. Retiring to her ready room she looked up when she heard the door chime. Time to face the music - who else would it be after all? "Enter" she called standing up to fortify herself with a cup of hot coffee for the conversation ahead.

Chakotay stepped into the ready room with a grin on his face. He'd expected to argue with the Captain, to force her to take some shore leave considering the recent strain that she had been under. The fact that she had volunteered to go herself pleased him to no end. Perhaps soon, all would return to normal in his world. Handing the captain a padd, his hand brushed against hers and a frission of awareness ran though him. Her skin was milky soft beneath his rough skin and he struggled to control his body's response. Spirits! He was no longer an adolescent boy with raging hormones. A simple brush of her hand should not provoke such a response in him. But he acknowledged to himself, Kathryn Janeway had always had this effect on him, from the first moment she had touched him when he had beamed onto her bridge. He just had to wait for her to admit that she felt the same way he did. On New Earth they had come so close… only to be torn apart again and set back into the boundaries of rules and protocol.

Well he could take things slow. He had 30 years and they were both going nowhere. Watching her as she read the padd he took in the features that had haunted his dreams for so long now. Soon he promised himself. Soon he would win her over. "It's a list of tourist spots on the planet Captain. I thought that we could visit some of them before heading back to the capital since …."

"Chakotay" she interrupted "I'm sorry but I was thinking that I would go down alone this time. I've been feeling a little under the weather lately and I thought that I would just find a quiet little inn somewhere and bunk down there for the duration."

Startled he quickly back pedaled "Of course captain. Have you gone to see the doctor if you're not feeling well?" he asked watching her carefully. Something wasn't right. Her eyes darted around the room never settling on his.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about" she said. Seeing that he was going to protest she pacified him "If I'm not feeling better after this impromptu vacation then maybe I will see the doctor."

Temporarily satisfied he said "I can ask Harry to draw up a list of suitable places if you want. I'm sure we can find some place that…"

Again she cut him off. "Raoul…the first minister has promised to show me a quiet little out of the way place he knows Chakotay. I'm sure I can find something on my own."

Raoul. When had she started to call him by his first name? He felt the stirrings of jealousy again. Well she could listen to that yellow headed freak if she wanted. Who was he to make a simple suggestion. "Of course Captain," he replied, a tad coolly. "I'm assuming you will let Tuvok know where you will be for security purposes?" at her quick nod he straightened "Then if you will excuse me…I've got to check up on something in engineering" and he walked out of the room.

Kathryn sighed. That hadn't gone very well.

2 weeks later and they were on their way again. They last few teams had just finished beaming up with the much needed dilithium and the First Minister was just getting ready to beam down back to the surface after a tour of Voyager. Kathryn, Chakotay and Tuvok were there to see his delegation off.

"A fine ship you have here Kathryn… almost as fine as her Captain." Raoul teased with a smile.

"That's very gallant of you Raoul. Once again, I must thank you for your wonderful hospitality." Kathryn said, a faint blush coloring her fair skin at the compliment

"Not at all, not at all. It was my peoples' pleasure to help travelers such as your self. May your journey be a safe one" Bowing slightly the delegation shimmered and then vanished on the transporter padd.

Smiling she turned only to face a disgruntled looking commander. He had been edgy ever since she had gotten back from shore leave and it had become even worse the moment the Bremarian delegation had set foot on voyager. The shore leave seemed to have an opposite effect on them. While she was feeling well rested and calm, Chakotay seemed jumpy and agitated. She watched as he turned and stormed out of the transporter room. Turing to Tuvok for some insight into her first officers mood she saw his raised brow and decided that the chief of security was as puzzled as she was.

Chakotay stormed down the corridor. Four years he had waited for her. And she went off with the first alien to show a little interest. And then she flaunted it right in front of him. The nerve of that woman. He took a deep breath. Maybe he was wrong. I didn't seem like his Captain to have a quick affair. Even is she did like Raoul, it was unlikely that anything had happened. Was it? He put the doubt firmly aside. But he was getting tired of waiting around like some love sick puppy. Perhaps the time had come to move on.

3 weeks after leaving Bremar space, during the alpha shift, Kathryn began to feel a little ill. Holding her stomach, she grimaced in pain.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked, concerned. "It's probably nothing Commander" she reassured "Most likely Neelix's latest culinary creation doesn't agree with me. I'll retire to my ready room for now." Standing up, she nodded to him "Commander, you have the bridge."

She had barely made it behind the closed doors when another bout of nausea sent her rushing for the toilet of her ready room. Afterwards she sat on the floor resting her head, too drained to contemplate moving yet. Just when she decided she had better get up, there was a chime at the door. She opened her mouth to answer as she stood…standing up was not one of her better decisions. Bending over she vaguely heard the door open and then he was by her side, rubbing her back. Sitting back on the floor she had barely time to try and assuage his fears before he lifted her up and called for the beam out to sickbay.

Rematerializing in front of the doctor, she allowed herself to savour the feeling of being held tightly in his safe, strong arms before the doctor asked him to place her on one of the beds.

Straightening out as he put down his precious bundle Chakotay began to pace the room as the doctor scanned. He wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with her. He hoped not. Even though he had been trying to tamp down on his feelings after the incident with Raoul he still didn't even want to think what would happen if she was really ill. He had…. His thoughts were cut off on hearing the doctor close the tricorder with a snap and he spun around. "Well…?" he prompted when the doctor gave no sign of divulging the findings.

The doctor startled as if he had forgotten Chakotay was there. With a quick look at his captain he said "I'm afraid you will have to leave commander. I have some…things…to discuss with my patient."

Chakotay bristled and stayed where he was. With a sigh Kathryn walked into the doctor's office motioning the doctor to follow and leaving Chakotay in the main part of sickbay. Although he couldn't hear anything he watched as the doctor showed Kathryn the tricorder he had been examining her with. He grew even more worried when she blanched and held on to the end of a nearby table.

Inside the office, Kathryn was struggling to reach equilibrium even as her mind was spinning. "Captain, I'm detecting elevated heartbeat and blood pressure readings. Perhaps you should sit down.

Not really hearing him she turned. "How could this have happened? The booster shots should have prevented it?"

"And they would have captain…if you had taken the time to keep them up to date. You're supposed to have one every 6 months, and I generally give them out at the physicals, but since you have skipped 2 of your last appointments with me, you can see why they let you down in this instance." He frowned at the tricorder beeped again. "I really must insist you sit down Captain. All this stress isn't good for the baby."