What is it about breaking up that makes it so hard? That even after you two parted ways, things could never get better or things would never be the same again. You two have talked yourselves to exhaustion, tried every means and ways to make it somehow friendly. But the more you try, the uglier it gets. Some break ups are friendly, but most of the time, you end up hating each other for the rest of your life. That every mention of that certain name could send you to fits and tantrums.
My ex of one year, cheated on me. Right in front of me, and I never knew what hit me not when it was really over. I met her in another site. We got to talking, and I got so drawn to her, and there was a possibility that we have met in the past. I used to work as a journalist, and she was a new singer that time. And I might have interviewed her then for the paper I used to work for. What she sent me was an old picture, back then when she was younger. She was way different when I really met her at the present time. Looks are never an issue with me, it always take a back seat. If I'm drawn to a person, I don't care. I'm irrational and unreasonable, the only thing that is right for me is her, the only meaning to me is her. Nothing was impossible. I was already living in California, she works and live in Vegas. Distance wasn't the problem that time. She had someone, in fact, she had two someone's in her life. A boyfriend, and another gf somewhere else. And yes, stupid me, she was still flirting with me. We had endless discussions about commitment, because, crazy as it seems, I was falling for her. I couldn't get her out of my mind, every time I open my mouth, its always Jenny this or Jenny that. My world revolves around Jenny. In short, I force my way into her life, to prove to her, I don't care if I was a nobody to her, or just a friend, all I want is to be with her. I want to be with her, breathe the same air with her, glimpse at her, talk to her. Like I said, I was going crazy, and she is the only one in my mind, from the moment I lay down to the moment I wake up.
When I finally saw her. Yes, I dropped everything, packed up and flew to Vegas. Arrghh...I even bought a bunch of roses at the airport, my heart was thumping in my throat. I was so nervous like a kid on prom night. She was waving at me, I was coming down from the escalator. Naturally she recognized me, I'm the same as my picture I sent her. But, OMG, she is not even close to the picture she sent me. Her picture was when she was probably in her teens, the woman who was jumping around waving at me was 300 pounds bigger, and taller. At first, I thought she was the gay guy that I know, seriously, she looks like him, big as him. I was a little disappointed, almost fell off the moving stairs. If I had the control buttons on that thing, I would pressed it and had it going on the reverse direction. I hate it when people lie. Like I said, I really don't care what she looks like. But deceiving me to make me fall for her was a low blow. But that time, those thoughts flew away along with the plane that took me there. When she hug me, I said to myself, she is the one. You know in all those movies, like Princess Diaries, when Princess Mia was waiting for the "pop" so she will know he was the right one? Well, with Jenny, when she took me in her arms, she took my breathe away. I stopped breathing for a few seconds. (No, she didn't crashed me because she is bigger than me. ) But, yeah, I fell in love all over again.
I don't want to go in details on how we had lived and how she treated me. If anyone would read one of my stories I altered, that is how we are. All those stuff that happened between us, I just changed it a bit. I wouldn't brag and tell you guys that I was a saint for sacrificing everything for a woman who isn't worthy. Because I'm not. I was stupid and probably insane, or got my head knocked out that time and couldn't think straight. But one thing I'm gonna tell you, if it was possible to give half of myself to someone, that's what I did. And she knows that. Even until now. Still trying to get me back in other means. I told her one time, I would love you like no one could ever love you and you will never forget about me. And that's what I did. I gave her everything I could give. (Although I don't have a million dollars)
In those few moments, I was happy. Very happy. That for a moment, when we're alone she was mine. All mine. But I don't know if she ever did love me, no matter how many times she shouted it to my face or throw it out to me in anger. I know it wasn't as strong as I as I loved her. I never asked for that. But all I want is to be her number one, and not her number three. I had my chance. I was a number one for awhile. And I thought that time heaven does exist, those moments were the happiest days of my life. But, like how she met me. She started chatting again, this time with guys. Right in front of me. She kept on insisting that they were just friends. Chat buddies, she said. I said, I trusted her. And gave her privacy. After a few weeks, she started talking about the future. The future of her kids, and my kid. That I should think about what life its going to be like if we all live together, how it would affect our children having two moms instead of a normal family. She said it was bad enough that we are living together but to involve the kids is worse. That time I didn't know where all of these were coming from. I was clueless. But this was the time she broke off with the boyfriend and the girlfriend. So I was elated, because I was promoted from house mate and best friend to lover status. Hoorayy! But it was too good to last, right? Yes, it didn't last. She broke up with me. But that didn't end there. I left my life in California to be with her. So, now I have to move out of our house, and I got nowhere to go. I resigned from my other job, no job to get back to, no apartment to go home to. And here I was, like trash taken out. My hell didn't end when she dumped me. I have to pretend to be a girly girl to the guy, because she didn't want him to know that was into women. So, I have to pretend to be a normal girl like her. Hell, I'm a butch, how am I supposed to do that, even as a soft butch even. I was forced to look for an instant boyfriend, wear a dress and mini skirt, make up and yeah, have to walk normal too. Playing the part was okay. But she wanted the boyfriend part to be real. When I refused, she her and mom ganged up on me, that I owe them for helping me out when I started out in Vegas, all those things that they had done for me. And yeah, it was my idea to come to Vegas. Oh, yeah, right, stupid me, how could I forget that part, huh? I got a guy. He was nice. I didn't tell him anything. He was cute, he looks like Rick Springfield when Rick was younger. The mother and daughter was teasing me that how could someone like me hooked a cute guy like that? On my "date" night with the guy, she hid my make up kit, and my shoes. She did everything to make the guy lose interest with me. She dressed up nicely and even put on a nice dress when the guy came to pick me up. The mom, too, was all over the guy. She demanded that I should make sure that I sleep with him. She wants me to have a serious relationship when her boyfriend comes to meet her and her family. I did. Not because she demanded it. Well, probably part of it, I wanted to hurt her. That yeah, I'm a butch, you think I can't do it? Watch me. And I did it because that night, I needed it. I needed someone to hold me. To make me feel that someone still want me, and can love me. I wanted to release all those hurt, those pain that was eating me away. I wanted it. Crave for it. Because I was so alone. I got no one. She dumped me. I got nowhere else to go. She was my life and she took that life away from me. I didn't mind then when I was just a third wheel. I maybe just the third wheel that time, but despite of that, I was the one sleeping with her, I live with her. She is mine inside that house, she is mine. In those four corners of our room, no other partner exist but me. When I got home. She double locked the door. I couldn't ring the door bell and wake up the whole house at 1:00 am. I tried calling her mobile phone she wouldn't answer. Friends, in my mini skirt, I climbed the wall of the backyard to be able to reach our bedroom window and ask her to open the door. Its comical now how I look then. But that night, I wanted to die. I wanted to fade away. I'm already numb from the pain. When we got to talking that night, she told me she hid my stuff. She realized she didn't want me to go, and she didn't want me with the guy. She said she was jealous.
The boyfriend finally came. He wasn't as good-looking as my guy was. They were a little disappointed. But, oh, well, Jenny and the boyfriend had a deal that's why the guy is coming over and proposed. He would give her a million dollar house if she would marry him. The guy needed her, in a way. She wasn't specific with the reason. And I know she needs him, not just for the million dollar house. Jenny has a gambling problem. The guy was rich.
If I could die a thousand more deaths, I probably did that, that time. She not only slap me, beat me, kick me with all these things she was doing to me and wanting me to do. But I don't know why she wants me to die in the process as well. She's a nurse. And I just work part-time in a photo shop at the back of one of the casinos in Vegas. But I had done my share of being the "husband" in the relationship. Shouldering the rent, lending her money when she lost at the card table. And yes, bribe her money to play with so she will sleep with me. I took care of her, treated her like a princess. Spoiled her in every means possible. But, I don't have a million dollars.
I hated her when she was supposed to just have dinner with the boyfriend but she was packing up overnight stuff. And she spat out at me that I slept with the guy, so why am I complaining when she is going to sleep with her boyfriend. And she reminded me that we are over remember? She packed up all those underwear I bought her for our special night together.
When I finally left that place. Left her. I swore to myself that I will never see her again. I swear to myself that would be the last time I would see her. That I would forget her. Like a nightmare. I will make her memory go away. And for six months I did. The first few days she called. She said she realized that she loves me more. That this wasn't what she expected. Or that she was missing me. That she was missing my own brand of loving. I don't want to gloat and make her hate me. So I went along. Told her I loved her and miss her too. But then they got really married.
She moved to New York. And I thought that this is it. Finally I can move on. Start over. No. Out of the blue, she called. She needed my help. Her husband just had an operation and she needed to go back to Vegas. She wants me to fly over and drive back with her, with all her stuff. I reasoned with her that I can't. That I can't leave my job because I was taking care of an elderly that time. She made me feel guilty again, reminding me all the things she did for me, all her sacrifices for me, and all she asked is this one favor that I cannot indulge her. So, yes, stupid me, flew to New York.
What she did when we were all in Vegas, she did it to me again while I was at their apartment. She was flirting and all lovey-dovey with the husband which I think sometimes wasn't really necessary. I pretended it didn't affect me. I made my heart like stone. I had a friend whom I always talk to on the phone, and I told her everything. I called her that time, to help me keep my sanity. When I get nervous, anxious or depressed, my stomach hurts. When I was in college, I used to passed out from extreme pain. And that was one of those things she reminded me when she said she helped me, when I have my attacks she would bring me to the emergency. But all the while she thought I was faking it, to get her attention. Later on, I found out I have gallstones, and needed an operation. I got through the night sleeping in their bedroom while they slept in the pull out bed, because the husband had a knee operation and the bed in the living area was more convenient for him.
The trip. It was a long drive. I wouldn't talk to her. I wouldn't even try to pretend at small talks. She was babbling on and on about how different it was from what she expected. And yes, the magic words. She still love me. And probably we could still see each other sometimes. I did beg her that before, when we were still in Vegas. That I didn't care if she got married. That she was only doing it for her kids. Her kids future, she didn't really love him. That she loves me. I was begging for my life. Because I deserve it, it was mine and this stranger out of nowhere came and took it away from me. But during that drive. I had longed changed my mind about us. That I had finally accepted that there was no us. That was a long time ago. And it was over. We can't even be friends. We argued, we shout at each other, she flung stuff at my face, stuff to prove to me that she does still love me. That why would she keep them if I don't mean anything to her. Material things. Inanimate objects that bears no meaning that could be easily forgotten. A keychain. A souvenir pendant with her name.
Tears came. And I begged for my life back. My life before I met her. I told her that I really don't want to see her anymore. That I swore to myself I will never see her anymore. That yes, I did love her, but what did she do with that love? Yes, I love her with everything that is inside of me, that I left nothing for myself. I have forgotten everything else and everyone else for her. I made her the center of my universe. I only travel on her axis, never veering to a different course, remained to the same path until the very end. She was the epicenter of my life. I hadn't known any other life but her. And in one split second, she severed that life I had known. In parting, I told her. I used to be so in love with you, but that was a long time ago, that was probably a different me, or probably I was in love with a different you. When we got to Vegas. Nothing was solved. And I was so drained, all I want is to get out of there. I don't care anymore what she wants. That same night, I took the greyhound to travel back to California.
Now, in the present time. When I thought that this episode of my life was over. She emailed me again. And told me that I still have important stuff that I left at her house in Vegas. And that they are moving. My daughter's albums, diaries, documents, pictures, and some other personal stuff. I wanted it back. I said I would send her money, so she can mail it to me. She said she would. A month has passed. She never got to sending it or telling me how much I need to wire her. She said its best if I pick it up or it might get lost in the mail or courier. I somehow believed her, because the box I sent to my family never got there. I had a suspicion she pawned all the stuff in the box to pay for her gambling debts. I was already gone when she sent that box, I even gave her money for that. I got a friend in Vegas who is planning to come here for a visit with his family. They are practically neighbors. I asked him to pick it up for me so that he would be the one to give it to me when they come for a visit. It's already June. They were supposed to meet last May. My friend says that she always has an excuse not to meet him, either at the last minute she won't show up. I never dared talked to her on the phone again. But we exchanged emails. She never replied to me what is the reason now for her delay. Why can't she just hand it over to my friend to get it over with. I have a bad feeling she really wanted me to pick it up. But sometimes I wonder if there is really still a box and she didn't threw away all my stuff. But is it all worth it? All those mementos. It means a lot to me if I could have it back. But will I survive this time? I don't know. I really don't know. And I don't want to care. I want to step away from her shadow. I wanted to get away from her clutches. I wanted to be free from her ghosts. That was then, this is now. Everything is different now. And I won't let her steal what I have now. I already have a new book of my new life. And I don't want to put her in it. I don't want her to be a part of it. This time, its all about me. Whether she wants it or not. Whatever we had then, its over. She made a mistake with me once. I told her not to make the same mistake with this one. After all, it's a very expensive love. I don't have that kind of money. And I don't think she is worth it anyway. Not that much. Not even a single cent.
The End