A/N - I couldn't see Ms. Grant not having the heart or the curiosity to go, so I hope this ties in to the episode. And Kara had to have been devastated about Kelly. This is the first Supergirl story I've written, and there's more to come. I hope I can come just a little close to writing a story that does justice to such a great show.
catch you later
~Acer Pacer Lacer~
Choices
Kara didn't know what to do for a few agonizing minutes and she just stood in the dark, by the handrails outside the entrance of Catco, feeling a cold, dull ache try to turn her into a dead husk inside.
Her heartbeat thudded laboriously in her chest and pushed tears up behind her eyes, tears that threatened to fall but she pressed her lips together whilst her chin quivered and didn't let them, but every time she looked at the dead body on the ground, a roar of grief would surge through her and she'd fight to stop herself from vocalizing her sorrow but with no success.
She leant up against the side of the building and cried. Kelly. Kara laced her hands into her hair, disbelief soaring through her. How had she not been able to save her? Hot tears spilled down Kara's cheeks. Kelly. She had always been a happy personality. Her red curly hair, so pretty and her eyes so full of life. The stupidest sentimentalities were making Kara fall apart; thinking of Kelly's panda mug, alone, without a home now, on her desk. And the most heartbreaking thing of all sickened her with guilt. Oh, Rao, Kara groaned, Kelly's kid, Tommy, just six years old. His drawing to his mother still hung in Kelly's workstation. A moan scratched out of her throat. Couldn't she just take it back? Please! She wanted to do it all again. The tears wouldn't stop and guilt tore at her savagely. Please!
Eventually she was reduced to feeling numb and cold. Just utterly hollow. She stared up at the night sky, sniffling, and could hardly will herself to fly. But Ms. Grant and Max Lord were waiting for her up there.
"Supergirl?" someone called softly close by.
Kara jumped and gasped. It was Ms. Grant. At some point she had come out of the building and she was standing a distance away from Kelly, ghostly pale, and her voice, lacking the confidence Kara was used to hearing as she called for Supergirl. Kara didn't move, didn't dare to. Ms. Grant began walking in her direction, looking through the plaza. Kara moved to stand more in the shadow of one of the trees. Cat's eyes whipped to her location, seeing the movement. All of a sudden, Kara felt trapped. She could leap into the air and fly but her feet were glued to the floor and when Ms. Grant stepped into the light that spilled out of windows, Kara only stared, horrified, eyes hot and aching.
The moisture in Cat's eyes glistened in the light. Her face was soft and tinged with sadness.
She opened her mouth to say something, "K-" but cut off abruptly, looking down for a moment, ducking her head. Lifting it again she regarded Kara with worry. "Supergirl?" she said, the inflection nearer to questioning than affirming.
Kara battled with a resurgence of grief. She could barely look the other woman in the eye.
"I couldn't save her," she managed to choke out in a watery voice and stared at the pain and pity that danced across Ms. Grant's face. Kara couldn't hold her gaze and she found her mouth suddenly babbling. "I want to do it all again...what if, what if I had done something different?" her eyes implored Ms. Grant's, "I could have gone faster," Kara's voice rose in torment, "I should have gone faster! I could have - oh Rao!" she flung up her arms, turning away and pressing her hands over her stricken face.
"Supergirl!" said Cat sharply, suddenly advancing smoothly and grabbing Kara's shoulders. "No," she said and Kara stared dazedly at her, breath hitching with tears, " I assume that snatching someone out of air the 'wrong' way, or at the 'wrong' speed will..."
"But-" Kara but in.
"No." Cat sucked in a breath, placing her hands together in front of her mouth, and regarded Kara with damp but serious eyes, and she spoke.
"No one tried as hard as you did in that moment," she said fiercely. "And none of this is your fault. You hear me?"
"But I," Kara's voice was thick with pain, "I chose..." she choked at that point.
Cat closed her eyes briefly. "Yes, you chose," she said, for a moment studying the floor. "But sometimes we have to make decisions," she looked back up, "ones that can't be weighed or judged by anyone. These kinds of situations can't be predicted, can't be rationalized. You had a split second to decide. There are things in control of our bodies on the inside that even we don't know about."
"But I..." said Kara.
"No buts," said Cat firmly. "You chose and you saved those two people." It's just a shame for Kelly. The unsaid hung in the air.
Kara pressed her lips together, but couldn't stop her face from crumpling. "Okay, Ms. Grant," she managed to get out.
"Good." Ms. Grant awkwardly rubbed Kara's left arm, motherly. Kara appreciated that. "Come on. The best way to avenge Kelly is to beat that brute, Non," they began walking to the entrance of Catco, "and make him eat what he's dishing out from the certain-orifice we all know nothing clean comes out of," she finished lightly, though her whole threat was delicately steeped in fury.
"I could fly us up," said Kara, feeling numb and not completely taking in what Ms. Grant had meant by that comment.
"If you don't mind, I'll use the elevator."
Before she left, Ms. Grant offered Kara a soft smile. "It will be alright," she said, and that moment was soothing, but ended abruptly. Ms. Grant waved her hand. "Come on now, chop chop."
Max was alone. He looked indifferent, but Kara knew better. The more laid-back he looked, the more chagrined he actually felt, Kara thought. Winn and James were back at their desks. She couldn't bear to look at them.
"I-I couldn't save Kelly," she told Max, in a small voice.
Max raised his eyes to look at her, his face grim.
"That is indeed unfortunate," he said, gruffly, "Loss of life," he shook his head, "is a terrible thing." He leaned back on the couch, jaw working. Kara could see sharp regret in his eyes. She slumped onto the armrest of a plush chair opposite.
"She had a kid," Kara found herself saying numbly. They sat in silence. Ms. Grant, exiting the elevator, poured herself a drink in her office. Kara found her gaze fixed onto Kelly's desk without knowing it.
For a while numbness reigned inside her, until a voice piped up from the couch.
"Are you finally ready to do what needs to be done?"
She took one last look at Kelly's empty desk, and then turned to Max and his hard glittering eyes.
"What's your plan?" she said.
She would do this, even with hopelessness weighing her down. She just had to.