Send In the Clowns
By: Priscilla Violet Regina
Disclaimer: The wonderful people noted in this fic do not belong to me, and only experience the pain I come up with in writing, not in life! I promise, no Gundam Boys were harmed in the making of this fic! Maybe a bit angered over the whole small trailer deal, but what can you expect? I have no money! They'll just have to deal with small trailers!
Warning: It's sad, sappy, and all that stuff I normally don't write. But, I heard the song, and gee...guess who it reminded me of! This is my third Trowa/Quatre fic, oddly enough...I've only written two Duo/Hilde fics, one Duo/Heero (implied) fic, and yet I've written three 3x4. I am amazed! Anyway, I tried to make the lyrics match the story, as I wrote the story after listening to the song. Which, by the way, is "Send in the Clowns" but it's the Frank Sinatra version. Hope you like!
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This is a song about a couple of adult people who have spent...oh, quite a long time together, `til one day one of them gets restless and decides to...leave. (Frank Sinatra himself at the beginning of the song)
I thought we were perfect for each other, both of us so loving...I was sure we were meant to be, just by looking into your eyes. We were perfect. I knew it...at least...I thought I knew it.
Isn't it rich, aren't we a pair?
What was so different about our relationship? What made you decide that it wasn't for you? It seemed like we knew everything about each other, knew exactly what the other wanted. We were so in sync with each other that it seemed our breathing was even simultaneous. I would go to your shows, you would perform...and you always managed to give me a quick grin right before entering the lion cage, or standing in front of Catherine when she threw her knives at you. I'm sure the audience thought it was just a kind of daredevil smile that you cast, but I knew...I knew it was for me.
Me here at last on the ground - and you in mid-air...
After the shows, I'd greet you in the animal tent, and congratulate you on such a wonderful show, telling you of my favorite parts. It was always the same, my favorite part of the show. When you, Catherine, and the other assortment of clowns that worked with you two came out into the main arena, and did cartwheels, back flips, and somersaults, showing off for the crowd. You seemed so graceful, so perfect...
Send in the clowns.
We'd head to your trailer, and you would change into your `normal' clothes, and we'd sit outside, by the fire...under the stars. My favorite place to be. But...you stopped that, stopped our late nights talking under the heavens as the flames burnt out of the last piece of wood. Didn't you enjoy it as much as I did? Didn't you want for it, for us, to continue on forever?
I did, so much so...
Of course you knew that, you always got that same smile on your face when I told you, when I opened my heart and exclaimed that I wanted us to last forever, never changing...
Why couldn't you just answer me, tell me that you wanted that to? I always thought that you did, seeing that smile grace your handsome features as I told you this, waiting for a response. But you never did, always just got up, muttered something about sleep, and kissed me on the forehead before heading inside.
Trowa...
Why couldn't you have just told me?
Isn't it bliss, don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around - and one who can't move...
But where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.
So, knowing me, I was in denial. I couldn't believe that you didn't want us to go on, that you didn't love me. I was so blind...so blindly in love...
How could you have not told me? If not that you loved me, that you didn't? Were you afraid I would be hurt, angry? What? You should have expected me to be at least hurt...I was in love with you, wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to wake up every morning to your lovely jade eyes smiling back at me as I kissed you greeting from our dream-filled slumber.
Just when I stopped opening doors
Finally finding the one that I wanted - was yours
I had assured myself that there would be no one else after you, that I would never need to look again. I knew you loved me...at least, I told myself that I knew. I never questioned your inability to say it, just assumed that you were as afraid of commitment as I was.
Was, Trowa.
Was.
After I met you, it changed dramatically--my life, that is. I gave up everything to be with you, sure that you'd want the same...
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines - nobody there...
But I tricked myself, Trowa. I tricked myself. You didn't want the same, you never did. No matter how much you seemed to show it, you didn't. I see that now...and it hurts...how it hurts, Trowa.
Don't you love a farce; my fault I fear
I thought that you'd want what I want - sorry my dear
How could I be so stupid? How could I think that perhaps, just once, someone would love me just as I did them? Someone would want to settle down, have a family even...
I'm sure you do, Trowa; I'm sure you do.
Just not with me.
But where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.
Don't bother they're here
I wish you would have just told me...I wish you could have explained to me that you didn't want what I wanted, that you did love me, but not as intimately as I did you. But, life is full of wishes, isn't it? Life is full of unanswered wishes, hopes, dreams...
You should have told me that you wanted something else, needed something else in your life than me. I should have know that you didn't want me like I wanted you, that I wouldn't find love so late in my life. I'm already too old to find that special someone, I know it. Maybe not in physical years, but emotionally, I know I am. I thought you were my one last chance, but...
I was wrong.
Isn't it rich, isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career
I know you'll never come back, or even consider having half the relationship I had hoped to develop with me, but maybe we'll stay friends, right? I couldn't bear to just leave and never see you again. Maybe...maybe I'll find joy again, right?
But where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.
Maybe.
Well maybe next year...
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A/Ns: Ah, yet another Kum-Quat and Tro-sama fic. Interesting, isn't it? *smile* I don't have much to say, but I do hope that you listen to this song, as it's a very, very sad song. Review, please, as I've asked so many others on my many other fics! I hope you liked it, and if you didn't, please be sure to tell me...but in a mature way, as I don't particularly enjoy dealing with flamers. Arigato!