Pie + Girls = One Helluva Heartache
By Saphron
Hey all, I'm really, really, really sorry about the delay. I was on a road trip with my family for the past week ::gags:: pure hell. If it makes you feel better I was continuously tortured by parents who grew up in the sixties singing a mixture of Carol King, kum-ba-ya (sp?) and Mithros who knows what else. We just got home today (approximately thirty seconds ago) after driving for EIGHT bloody hours straight with only one stop at Arbby's for lunch…anyhoo, enough of the self-pity here, just providing an explanation for my tardiness. (Plus I retaliated by jumping up and down in my seat screaming Bon Jovi's It's My Life, so all was well.) Besides this chapter sucks anyway, but I feel obligated to write it and end this damn mess I created. Ug.
By the way-this is WAY weird!!!!! I'm talking seriously nuts. The chars are all TOTALLY ooc (K/N have this reversed role thing going on, but K/C is completely stalk characters (fancy theater word!) and stereotypical. I dunno why I did it this way, I guess to compare 'em, but ah, yeah…then Kel goes back to girl-power mode. I dunno, it's weird. And oh, Cleon is kinda crazy.) And the time frame is completely screwed up. Fair warning---it sucks, and its weird, I advise you to turn back now while you still have a chance…
I don't own Blues-Clues toothpaste, special big red K cereal, Oops I Did it Again by Brittany Spears, the game Hungry Hungry Hippos, or Barbie socks. They are owned by their respective owners, or whoever in the hell would even want to own 'em.
**Means thoughts by the chars**
Font is all screwed up, my computer had been left on for the past week cause I forgot to shut it down and it went into overload-mode. It's now all messed. So the font is either going to be incredibly too big, or incredibly too small, we shall all know once I post this.
Now, IMPORTANTLY, I want to clear the air with the Nzgirl issue. I dunno who read the last a/n (which I sincerely hope you didn't) but I want you all to know that she e-mailed me and we worked it out. It was all one huge misunderstanding, she didn't realize I would take it as a flame (which she hadn't intended it to be) and I was acting pretty bitchy (feeble excuse, but major PMS-it's true, ever gone on a road trip and had to sit in your own gore for 8 hours? ::sighs:: it really isn't very fun.) Anyhow, we BOTH apologized and we are both incredibly sorry that this whole thing came about. I for one am sorry about being so mean, and am very glad that she has so graciously forgiven me. As for the rest of you, I hope none of you are scared of me now ::grins evilly-most of you probably already were even before this, owing to the fact that I am so damn weird:: but um, yeah. Probably won't punch you if you flame me…but no promises. ::evil grin:: no seriously, I won't. Thank you to everybody that supported me, you're all wonderful people, but let's all just put this back behind us now yeah? We're cool now. All is well with the world.
Plus, she gave me the idea for using Oops I did it again…pure-GENIUS! It worked perfectly.
~
Neal woke with a start as he tumbled off his bed and onto the floor, hollering something about being attacked by man-eating pixies who had an appetite for Slim-Jim and/or beef-jerky. Believe it or not we survived off jerky during the whole road trip…it was the only way I could find the strength to make it across the Grand Canyon…I had packed my Hershey bars but unfortunately they were eaten by the mule, and jerky remained my desperate second choice. The Slim-Jim was a mass conspiracy…all along our hiking trails its many wrappers appeared…
After disentangling himself from his many layers of sheets he yawned and marched bleary-eyed into the bathroom. Brushing his teeth with his fun kiddy little Blues-Clues toothpaste he realized he was late and bolted out the door, straight to the mess hall. My little bro vouches that Blues-Clues toothpaste is good, I'm going to take his word on it cause I've actually never tried the stuff…
When he arrived his friends were all chatting lightly, except for Cleon who wouldn't stop glaring at him and Kel who was eating her special-K cereal (good for women! I think anyway) and pretending as if he didn't exist. He winced when he saw her stony expression.
Soon breakfast ended, right about when he came to the conclusion that breakfast wasn't just some random word but actually made sense of 'break' the 'fast.' Sighing he trudged out the door to the practice courts and the rest of his classes, finally, at the end of the day, math class arrived; **great, I still haven't even finished the circle problems…now Kel and Cleon AND my math teacher will be mad at me! Life is sure rough.**
Sitting in the back row he sang in his mind, "Oops I did it again, I screwed everything up, now Kel's mad at me!" to some annoying tune he had picked up somewhere (he forgot exactly where).
As predicted, his math teacher wasn't too happy about the unfinished circle problems, and gave him twenty extra measuring problems, which they had moved onto today. By the end of class Neal was ready to burn all rulers, tape measures, and protractors that ever had the nerve to walk the earth spreading pain and torture among the poor students unlucky enough to have a teacher obsessed with the metric-system. Anyone ever read Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events series, book five, the Austere Academy? Funniest series I swear! Easy books too, finished it in an hour while waiting for the shuttle that would carry us back up the Grand Canyon--no way I was hiking it. Oh nm. Just read on.
However…all this measuring had given him an idea of sorts…to get back in good favor with Kel, he could bake her a pie!!!
Eventually (after what seemed like sempiternity, but was really only forty minutes) math class ended, and Neal headed straight towards the kitchen.
~
::Whistling:: Approaching the kitchen Neal bounded through the door as happy as a hippo (why hippo? They don't seem like particularly happy animals…but ah, I needed something to fill in the blank that preferably started with an H, so yea…plus you never know! They could be incredibly ecstatic; it's possible. And isn't there a hippo of some sort? No wait-that's Hungry Hungry Hippos…well considering he's going to bake a pie that works too…)
"Neal, what er ye doin' in 'ere?" Asked a boisterous woman in servant's accent who was obviously the master-chef of this place.
"Hullo Stella! I'm here to cook!" he knew the confectioner well, as he was a frequent visitor to the kitchens.
The baker dropped her spoon and roared with laughter, wiping her eyes, "no seriously lad, why 'ar ye 'ere? Ah-I know; you're 'ere to try some of me newly baked, fresh out o' the oven chocolate-chip-cookies, hmm? I swear you could smell 'em all th' way from Carthack (sp?) th' way you come a runnin'!"
Pouting, "no seriously, I'm here to bake somethin'."
Snorting, "not in my kitchen boy. They'll be a huge mess."
"But Stel…" he pleaded, it was going to take some major persuasion to convince her that he, even though he was a guy, could bake.
~Meanwhile, jump to Kel's room for one sec
Kel was lying on her bed chewing her blackberry bubble-gum and reading her beauty magazine Ok, who can imagine Kel ever reading a beauty magazine?!?!? I told you this was weird!, when a sudden knock on the door caused her to glance up.
"Come in, it's open."
In walked Cleon.
~Back to kitchens
Grinning, Neal looked through the cabinets and eventually came upon a 'simple' pumpkin pie recipe. He gathered all the necessary ingredients and piled them on the table. Rubbing his hands he muttered, "ok, what first?"
~Skip back to Kel and Cleon
Cleon closed the door and turned to Kel, "Kel, I'm really sory about what happened with you know…Neal." He spat the word out as if it were poison.
Sighing over-dramatically she sat up, "it's ok, it wasn't your fault." **How much does he know?**
"I know…but still." He came over to her, "Well I want you to know that I'll always be there to protect you."
"Ah…thanks," she smiled at him, thinking that she really didn't need protection but she was not in the mood to berate him right now, she was still wallowing about Neal. (Who's a Gilmore Girls fan? Wallowing! Yeah! Erg-I missed Thursday's episode cause I was in Arizona, and although there was a TV, the only channels we got in the middle of the desert were home shopping network and Wheel of Fortune. Which we actually watched (the game show, not the buy our crap show). The host is a jerk, we know him personally and he's a total snob. That was random, sorry, I'm way off subject now! Back to story. BTW-anyone mind telling me briefly what happened? I'd really appreciate it.
Wrapping an arm around her, "you're safe with me."
Shrugging Kel fell into the role of helpless-maiden in distress; it was kinda nice having his arm around her like that…**OMG, am I over Neal already? Do I…like Cleon now?**
A knock on the door sounded, panicking, Kel was fully conscious of the closed door and Cloen and her in this, erm, slightly awkward position. Quickly she pushed him off the mattress, (accidentally knocking the magazine down too) and under the bed.
"Come in, it's open." Woa, de-ja-voo there.
In walked Neal.
~Meanwhile
Pacing the halls was a very restless squire. **Should I tell her? What if she laughs? But I just…have too!**
~Back to Kel's room
"Neal?" Kel asked, surprised. She wasn't really confirming whether or not it was actually the squire Neal standing at her door (holding a pie of all things) because she knew perfectly well that this tall dark-haired boy could only be him. Her "Neal?" was more of a "what in the hell are you doing here?"
Cleon, slightly miffed by her rough handling, had spotted the magazine and started thumbing through it. Main articles highlighted were, ~Court Ladies: Their Secrets and Success! ~Why won't that cute squire over there notice you? With these sure-fire tips he'll be certain to be slaying dragons for you in no time! ~What turns guys on? We asked a random volunteer, his answer, "girls smell nice." But stopped reading when he saw Neal enter. (Actually from his position all he could see were his feet, but he could recognize those smelly gym shoes anywhere.)
Grinning nervously, for seeing Kel had aroused that giddy feeling in the pit of his stomach again, **would it just go away already? What the hell was that?** He started babbling some sort of apology/explanation for the pie.
"Kel, I'm really sorry about what happened and I should have said something instead of just acting like a mindless zombie, and I hope you can forgive me, and, and, here, I baked you a pie," he finished lamely, thrusting it over.
"Um…thanks." She responded, not knowing exactly how to act. **So, Neal just baked me a pie, and Cleon is under my bed reading my magazine…Ok, why didn't anyone tell me that the universe had collapsed? It would have been useful if I had been informed of this information before hand.**
"Go on! Try it!" He encouraged, glad so far that she didn't appear to be that mad anymore.
"Er--" truthfully she really didn't want to taste this thing. I mean, he was a guy for cripes sake! **Bet he doesn't know anything about cooking; probably mixed up salt and sugar and added the eggs with the eggshells…plus he's covered in pumpkin pastry. But oh well, I don't want to hurt his feelings.**
"HEY!" She gasped in amazement after taking a cautious and wary bite, "This is actually pretty GOOD!"
Taking another bite happily she grinned at Neal, who'd of thought? This guy could actually cook. Fits in with my role-reversal theme here hmm)
Cleon glared at Neal's ankles, angry that he had impressed her with his cooking skills. **Stupid Neal. Stupid pie. Stupid happy little pink Barbie socks. Hey wait! Neal wears dolly socks?**
"And there's something else Kel…" taking a deep breath, "I like you. Actually, I think I love you. I mean, well, I just didn't say anything before cause, y'know, I was kinda surprised, but the truth is, well, I'm sorry if this is sexist of me but-" here he leaned in (careful not to smush the pie) and kissed her.
Several things happened at once. Fireworks exploded in Kel's head, which were immediately put out by the damper of Cleon, who had been lurking in her thoughts for the past half hour, and by the fact that upon seeing Neal lean in to kiss Kel he had tossed aside the magazine (and his musings of **hmm, do I look better in peach or plum? No wait, I think I'm disqualified from the 'win a year's free supply of lip gloss' contest owing to the fact that I'm not a girl…**) to leap out from under the bed with a roar and jump on Neal.
Basically, Kel ended up extremely confused (and for some strange reason had the song "oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game, oh baby, baby" playing in her head). Cleon ended up on the floor (he had bumped his head on the bed upon leaping out and missed his mark) and Neal ended up with pumpkin pie splattered all over him.
The follow-up of this fiasco was that Cleon, determined ever yet, leapt up and screamed at Neal, "she's mine!" while tackling him, hence spreading the pie muddle everywhere. Kel frowned at the possessive 'she's mine' comment, and Neal didn't bother ducking Cleon's tackle as his words sunk in.
"You two…together? I mean…it's just, I thought…" he trailed off, owing partly to the fact that Cleon had winded him and partly to the fact that he didn't know what to say. **I thought she liked me, oh great, I waited too long and now I've lost her!**
Kel pulled them apart, tugging each by the ear, deciding once and for all to straighten everything out. "First of all, no, me and Cleon are not going together. I don't where you got that idea Cleon, but it's wrong. Second of all, (as if reading his mind) Neal, I did like you, before. But after the way you acted…well. No more buddy. Sorry." Both of them whimpered (whether by Kel's harsh words or her pinching fingers and their poor aching earlobes is as yet unknown.)
Tired of this mixed up love triangle hence proving my theory that all geometrical shapes are evil… she shoed them out, "scat, now," and plopped down on her bed. Cleon had left muttering curses under his breath, and Neal had left broken-hearted. **Girls can really give you one helluva heartache** he thought dejectedly.
Kel was thinking too, **Mithros, why does my life have to be so confusing?**
As if the gods were watching up above and decided to make her life even more difficult, a knock sounded at the door.
"Come in, it's open." There was that de-ja-voo again.
In walked Roald.
~
::grins:: Finally! It's OVER! DONE! FINISHED! ::gack:: what a bloody mess! ::sighs:: there.
Hope no one minds me using the Roald idea? Originally it wasn't planned that way, but he suddenly decided to make a guest appearance. It just works as an ending. Repeat--ENDING, it will not be played out more. Sorry to k/r fans.
Oh, do you all think I should just combine the three sequels into one? Save room and do the chaptering system thingy? Or just leave it as it is? I think I'll convert it…but I dunno.
And oh-HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY! (I seem to always post on some sort of holiday huh?) Anyone know how it came about? I do! Long time ago (on the 1st of April obviously) two elephants were fighting over the last peanut in the Cracker-Jack box and one of the elephants tricked the other elephant into givin' it to him by the good ol' "AH! Behind you!" trick, hence starting the prank tradition. (As it turns out, Luke Skywalker had been blown off course by a whirling white hole and had crashed on a nearby planet, consequently the home planet of the elephants, and he did manage to run over them… So er, the 'look behind you!' was actually true…but we'll excuse the memories of those poor dead elephants, shall we? And oh-the Cracker Jack box is on display at the museum of elephants, to get there take a right past Mars and head through the first wormhole you see, it'll take ya to Planet-E, and there it's easy to pick up some directions from some local elephants, for the famed Cracker-Jack box is legendary.) No seriously, I'm just talking nutso-talk (ha ha a pun, ok, I need to get out more.) What really happened (actually it's kinda uncertain, but popular legend dictates) that during the reformatin of the calender the date for the new year was moved from April 1st to Jan 1st (our calender has a lota problems, for instance, the addition of June and July screw up our nice little latin numbers. Sep of september, means 7, Oct of october means 8, nov 9, dec 10, they used to be all happy and correct, with september being the 7th month of the year etc, but no we had to add summer months! Coulda added 'em at the end…::grumbles:: well anyhow, back to story of April Fool's Day) anyhoo, when making the switch, cause there were no TV's or radios or computers ::gasp:: the word spread slowly, plus people who merely chose to ignore the change, and peeps who forgot. These idiots were called "fools" (and rightly so!) and invitations to nonexsistant parties and other pranks were played on 'em. I got all this info from a site: http://www.web-holidays.com/fools/index.htm
Lastly-I profoundly apologize for anyone who bothered to read to this, you have wasted precious seconds of limited life-span, and it is all my fault. I appreciate your kind words but none-the-less think that you are all lying through your teeth. Even I see how bad this fic was written (I am so NOT being modest here, this seriously sucks) but um…yeah…thanks anyway. You're all nice people. Too nice.