At the sound of footsteps in the hall, Rachel looked up from her book and saw Tom returning to the living room. He sat down beside her with a sigh and put his head in his hands.
"Rough night?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah," Tom said, looking up at her. He looked tired. Rachel frowned in sympathy. "Ashley is… Having a crisis. Or something. I don't know." He shook his head.
"She's been through a lot," Rachel said sympathetically.
"I know," Tom sighed. "I just wish I knew what to say to her…"
Rachel understood. She remembered being Ashley's age, and how every little thing had seemed like a crisis to her. She remembered how hard it had been to try to talk to her father about things sometimes. And Ashley had lived through even more than Rachel had at that age.
"If you want," Rachel said, "I could try talking to her." Tom looked up at her, seeming surprised. Rachel, slightly embarrassed, looked away and said quickly, "You know, girl-to-girl. If that's not too intrusive."
"That would be great," Tom said, actually looking relieved. "Thank you, Rachel."
Rachel smiled and nodded once, then set her book on the coffee table and made her way up to Ashley's room.
Rachel approached Ashley's door and knocked quietly. She heard covers rustling and a few quiet sniffles before a little voice said, "Who is it?"
"It's Rachel," she said quietly, not wanting to wake Sam, who was sound asleep in the room across the hall. "I heard you were having a rough night, and I was hoping we could talk." She waited for a moment, but Ashley said nothing, so she asked, "May I come in?"
"Yeah," Ashley said from the other side of the door. "Sure."
Rachel opened the door and found Ashley sitting up in her bed, wiping her face with her covers and trying to look nonchalant. Rachel gave her a smile and closed the door behind her before making her way to sit in front of Ashley on the bed.
Rachel searched desperately for something to say, but Ashley spoke first. "Everything sucks," she said simply.
Rachel couldn't really disagree with her there, so she just nodded sadly. "Yes, it does," she said. "Things suck sometimes. I've found that the only way to survive in this world is not to focus on the things that suck, but rather on what we can do to make things suck less."
Ashley snorted in a very preteen way. "Easier said than done," she said.
Again, Rachel nodded, but with a slight grin this time. "That's true," she said, then paused. She looked at Ashley, who was staring off into the distance. It struck Rachel how much like Ashley she had been at that age. She felt she knew what Ashley was going through, and maybe what she needed. So she decided to tell Ashley what she wished someone had told her, back then.
"You know," Rachel began, "I lost my mother when I was just a kid as well."
Ashley returned her focus to Rachel, looking shocked. "You did?"
"Mhm," Rachel nodded.
"I didn't know that," Ashley said sadly.
"Not many people do," Rachel responded. "I don't tell people that very often."
To her surprise, Ashley smiled a little. "So, it's like a secret?" she asked.
Rachel laughed quietly at that. "I suppose it's sort of a secret," she said.
There was an awkward pause before Ashley asked, "how did you do it?"
"Do what?" Rachel asked.
"Everything," Ashley said. "Move on. Become a doctor. Do something with your life. How did you do it?"
"Well," Rachel sighed, "I started by remembering that my mother would not have wanted me to spend my whole life being sad. She would have wanted me to do something with myself, and make a difference. It took a long time for me to realize that, though." She paused, and looked at Ashley, who was watching her intently. Rachel continued. "I never knew your mother, but I'm sure she would want the same for you."
Ashley looked away, clearly trying her best to hold back tears. "I don't want to forget her," she whispered quietly.
Rachel reached over and took Ashley's hand in hers. "You don't have to forget her, Ashley," she said. "Truly, I don't think you ever really 'move on'. But that doesn't mean you have to be sad all the time, either." She paused, thinking back to how she had felt at that age. "The best way to remember your mother is to make her proud. Think that she's watching over you, and is still with you, in here," Rachel pointed to Ashley's heart. "It's okay to be sad sometimes, but it's also okay to focus on other things."
"Like… What?" Ashley whispered, sniffling.
"Well," Rachel said, "For me it was science. Helping people. That was how I was going to make the world a better place, and how I was going to make my mother proud." Looking into Ashley's eyes, Rachel had to fight back tears of her own. "What is it that you like to do?" she asked.
Ashley shrugged. "I like reading, and I like to draw," she offered.
"You can use that," Rachel said. "You could read stories to Sam when he is sad. You could draw pictures for your dad when he's having a bad day. And maybe someday you can write a story of your own, for other kids to read."
Rachel paused, and Ashley seemed to be considering this. "Doesn't sound like much," Ashley said. "I'm not gonna save the world like you and dad."
"You don't have to do what your dad or I did," Rachel said in a conciliatory tone. "Just do what makes you happy, and find a way to make other people happy, too."
Ashley didn't look convinced, so Rachel said, "Ashley, no matter what you do, I'm sure your mother will be very proud of you. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you can still change the world if you want. But you don't have to. If you can make just one person happier, you will have made a difference, and that's all that matters." At this point, Rachel wasn't sure if she was talking more to Ashley or to her former self, the little missionary kid who wanted to make a difference but didn't know how.
"Really?" Ashley asked, sounding slightly hopeful for the first time.
"Yeah," Rachel said. "Just start small. Great things sometimes start with something that seems unimportant. You never know what chance you will have to do something great. But, to get those chances, you have to be willing to go out there and find them. Sometimes, that's the hardest part."
Ashley nodded. "Sometimes I don't want to do anything," she said, tears starting to well in her eyes. With a whisper, she added, "I just miss her so much."
Rachel leaned over and gathered Ashley in a hug. "I know," she whispered back. "I know. Just remember, she'll always be with you, and you still deserve to be happy."
Both of them seemed to sense there was nothing more to say, so Rachel sat there with Ashley's head in her lap until the girl fell asleep. Looking down at the sleeping girl in her arms, Rachel was once more struck by how much Ashley reminded her of herself at that age. She wished someone had been there for her, and, if needed, she vowed she would be there for Ashley. Perhaps I have one more chance to make a difference, she thought.
Awhile later, having left Ashley asleep upstairs, Rachel returned downstairs and found Tom still sitting on the couch. "She's asleep," she said.
"Thank goodness," Tom sighed in relief. "I couldn't seem to say anything to make her feel better. How did you do it?"
Rachel shrugged. "I was a lot like her, once," she said, returning to her former place on the couch. Rachel knew Tom didn't understand, since she had never told him her "secret". But her explanation seemed enough for him, and he nodded to her appreciatively.
"Thanks," he said, and Rachel smiled.
"Any time," she replied.
"She needs someone like you," Tom said.
Rachel looked at him curiously. "Like me?"
Tom nodded. "A role model. And a girl to talk to. I'm afraid I don't always know how to deal with preteen girl emotions," he laughed.
Rachel grinned. "Well, I'll always be here for her," she said, and Tom looked pleased and relieved. Rachel just hoped she truly could make a difference.