A/N: I feel bad for Snape and all the hatred that people(who haven't read the end of the Deathly Hallows) have for him so I decided to write a fanfiction for him. I honestly thought he was evil until the end of the Deathly Hallows but now I just pity him and his unrequited love for Lily. This is not a particularly happy story as Snape never was a particularly happy person but I hope you enjoy it all the same. I've wrote it from Snape's point of view.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
The first time I almost killed myself was when I was twelve. It was the summer between my first and second years at Hogwarts. About four weeks into break without receiving a letter from anyone I'd met at Hogwarts had me feeling very depressed and unloved. My parents constantly fighting didn't help much either.
I was sitting in the park watching the happy families all around me, completely consumed in my feeling of being utterly alone in the world when it suddenly became too much to bear. I pulled out the small pocket knife I always kept with me and was about to use it to cut my wrists when I heard a very familiar and welcome voice behind me.
"Killing yourself won't accomplish anything. It'll just make you dead." Lily Evans said as she walked into the clearing I was sitting in. I hadn't seen her since term had ended because her family had gone to Australia on vacation.
"Nobody would miss me anyway, what's the point?" I mumbled back to her.
"I would miss you. Who else do I have to talk to about Hogwarts around here? Petunia?" she snorted. "She still hates me for being a witch while she can't be."
"She still hates you for that? I would've thought she'd have got over it by now?" I asked.
"No, she was horrid to me the whole time we were in Australia." Lily replied.
"Speaking of that, how was your vacation?" I questioned her, all thoughts of suicide completely gone. And just like that Lily Evans had saved me.
The second time I thought of suicide was in our seventh year and Lily was the start of it. For some reason she had finally decided to go out with that prat, Potter. It was true that we were not as close as we had been before. I was so stupid, I realize that now, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I called her a Mudblood and she'll never forgive me.
I had heard her name come up in a conversation between two girls just down the Slytherin table from me as I sat at dinner so naturally I eavesdropped on their conversation.
"Did you hear that Evans finally agreed to go on a date with Potter?" the one girl (I don't even know her name, they're both little invisible third years that I'd never would've paid any attention to if they weren't talking about Lily) said.
"I thought she thought he was an arrogant git. Remember that fight they had in our first year? They will probably break up in no time." the other girl replied.
"Speaking of that fight, wasn't it over Snape? I wonder how he's feeling about this. He's so obviously in love with Evans." I felt both their gazes on me and I got up to leave, I didn't want to hear any more of this.
I left the Great Hall and just started walking, I had no idea where I was going. My head was buzzing with angry thoughts.Why would she want to go out with Potter? What's so great about him? What does he have that I don't? Then another sad voice answered. You called her a Mudblood. James never did that. It's all your fault, you screwed up any chance you had with her. It's all your fault, Severus. You lost her when you said that one word.
By this time I was so lost in misery I hadn't even realized where I was at until one of the branches of the Whomping Willow almost caught me in the head. Seeing the Whomping Willow reminded me of what idiots Potter and his friends were. They thought they and their little late night adventures were so cool. Why the hell did Lily decide she wanted to go out with that moron? I was the one who loved her, dammit! He just wanted to get in her pants.
I pulled out my wand as I walked towards the Forbidden Forest and away from the Whomping Willow. It was starting to get dark, the sunset was reflected across the lake. It was quite beautiful, really. This was a beautiful place to die. It was the only place I ever felt at home. I had turned my wand toward my heart and I started to whisper the words that would end my life in a flash of green, the same color as her eyes.
"What are you doing, Snape?" Lily Potter spoke from behind me. I spun around. "I thought you were happy with your little Death Eater friends, doing whatever dark magic it is that you guys practice. I honestly thought you were above suicide now."
"Just go away, Evans. It's none of your business." I told her quietly.
"I think it is my business if someone is about to try to kill themselves right in front of me. You see, I was trying to have a nice peaceful walk around the grounds when I saw you walking here looking pathetic. Then you pulled out your wand so I decided to see what you were up to. When I saw you were going to attempt suicide again I figured I'd better try to stop you. So what's the problem this time?" she looked so amazing standing there yelling at me, if I killed myself I would never see that again. I just loved her too much to leave and never see her again, even if I had to watch her in the arms of James Potter.
"Nothing, never mind, I've changed my mind." I said.
"Are you sure, Severus? I don't want to have to explain to Dumbledore how I let you go kill yourself."
"Yes! Good night, Lily!" I told her and I walked away. I felt her staring at me, making sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. "Thank you for saving me again." I said quietly to her when I was far out of her earshot.
The third and final time I considered suicide was just after her death. I don't even remember who I heard the news from, the whole school was talking about it. Not only was she dead but the Dark Lord was gone too. I had ruined any chance I had with Lily to serve him and now he was gone. And so was she, the Dark Lord had not spared her as he had said he would. There was not much left for me to live for. I had no purpose in my life. I was just about to whisper the same words Lily had stopped me from saying so many years before when a phoenix Patronus came into my classroom.
"Severus, come to my office." it spoke in Dumbledore's voice.
I trudged up to the headmaster's office, barely registering where I was going. I sat in the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk. I slumped over, rested my head in my hands and started sobbing. Dumbledore got up from behind his desk and moved to stand over me. Once I had somewhat composed myself I looked up.
"I thought...you were going...to keep her...safe..." he had promised he would keep her (and her useless husband, Potter and their child safe) but somehow she had been killed. I needed to know how this had happened.
"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," Dumbledore said. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"
I had talked to the Dark Lord about sparing Lily. I had thought he would and then she and I could run off somewhere far away from all the chaos. Somewhere deep down inside me I knew that he would never spare her and even if he had he would never have let me leave.
"Her boy survives," Dumbledore told me. I shook my head, trying to clear it. "Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans' eyes, I am sure?"
Oh I did remember them, all too well. I could practically see them staring at me right now. Surrounded by her beauiful face and that gorgeous mass of red-
"DON'T!" I screamed. "Gone...dead..." My thoughts flew once again to suicide. If I killed myself I might be able to see her again.
"Is this remorse, Severus?"
"I wish...I wish I were dead..." I did, I was ready to kill myself. I wondered if Dumbledore would be able to stop me if I quickly pulled out my wand and killed myself.
"And what use would that be to anyone?" even in my dazed state I could hear the ice in Dumbledore's voice. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
What could I do for Lily now? She was dead. There was nothing I could do for her now. She was gone from this world, never to return.
"What- what do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son." Dumbledore explained.
Protect her son? Why would I do that? He was the reason why she was dead! Besides he had destroyed the Dark Lord, there was no danger to him anymore. People all around the country were celebrating the Dark Lord's downfall right now while I grieved, not for him, but for his murder of the woman I loved.
"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-"
"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."
I suppose I could do this one thing for Lily. She had died to make the world a better place and I would help finish that goal for her. No one must ever find out though. Me, protecting Potter's son? Everyone would laugh. Finally I said, "Very well. Very well. But never-never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear...especially Potter's son...I want your word!"
"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" I just stared at him, waiting for him to give me his word. "If you insist..."
That is how Lily saved me for the third time but there is no way she can save me this time now. I am quickly fading. My life force is draining out of me. I was killed by the very man that I had given up my life to follow and then betrayed. Now I, in turn, had been betrayed. That bastard had set Nagini on me just because he thought the bloody Elder Wand would work better for him after he killed me. I was going to die. Soon. I just hoped I had done enough in the past 16 years to bring about Voldemort's downfall.
Just before I lost consciousness Harry Potter appeared before me. I grabbed the front of his robes and pulled him close to me. I remembered what Dumbledore had told me to tell him. "Take...it...Take...it..." I leaked out my memories for him to take. I wanted him to know that I was not the evil man he hated. I wanted him to know how much I had truly loved his mother. And most of all I wanted him to know all I had done to make sure that when the time came Voldemort would fall. A flask was thrust into his hands by the Granger girl and he put my memories in the flask.
I let go of his robes. My body was too weak to hold on to him anymore.
"Look...at...me..." I whispered to him. I had to see those eyes that were so like Lily's just one last time. I had to see this boy, no man, I had risked everything to protect these past few years. The man that was actually more like his mother than I had ever given him credit for. I had only seen the parts I hated, the obvious parts that made him seem like James. But I had come to see the little bits of him that were like Lily. Ah, Lily...
And suddenly I could see her walking towards me. She was the only clear thing in this constantly changing void I had found myself standing in. She was smiling at me. When she reached me she grabbed my hand and started leading me back to where she had just come from.
"Thank you for protecting my son, Severus." Lily smiled radiantly up at me. "I always knew you would do the right thing."
She kissed me on the cheek and all I knew was that I could face whatever was next as long as she was with me. Lily always had been and always would be my savior.