This is the newest edition of my Hurry Up and Die series, and just like Extreme Home Makeover, it's about ten thousand times less selfish than the originals. So, without further ado, let's all learn what not to do in a yaoi!

1. DON'T use Dumbledore in a pairing.
Why? Because he's old, and that is NOT sexy.
Instead, DO use someone else. If you have to use dear Dumbles, change time period or just throw some flat-out time travel up in that biotch.

2. DON'T neglect to overuse terrible puns when Oliver Wood appears.
Why? Because if there's no comic relief, the story will sound terribly full of itself, and that's just dull.
Instead, DO remember to mention his "Biggerstaff".

3. DON'T even mention anything called "horny gas".
Why? Are you kidding me?
Instead, DO just stop writing. Seriously.

4. DON'T have anyone faint due to "prowess in bed".
Why? IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.
Instead, DO anything else.

5. DON'T involve the giant squid.
Why? Because Japan has the tentacle porn pretty well sewn up, thanks.
Instead, DO use maybe centaurs or merpeople.

6. DON'T just skip time by flat out saying "let's skip", or cut scenes just because they're difficult to write (a fight scene or a sex scene, for instance).
Why? It's a cop-out.
Instead, DO try your best. After all, practice makes perfect.

7. DON'T use guilt as a plot device.
Why? Guilt sex is kinda lame.
Instead, DO write make-up sex or just SOMETHING ELSE.

8. DON'T use emo as a plot device.
Why? Because it invariably ends with the emo being a disease that gets "cured" by sex. Also, it's SO teenager-y. Lame.
Instead, DO come up with something better, like a genuine reason for grief (THAT IS NOT CONDONING MANGST, GUYS).

9. DON'T use the internet as a plot device either.
Why? Though these can be pretty good stories, it's becoming overdone to the point of tropiness.
Instead, DO use books and the like for a new spin on the easy-to-write internet plot.

10. DON'T include rape.
Why? Guys, rape is never a good thing. It does not make anybody fall in love. It usually traumatizes them. If you don't believe me, try being raped yourself (I AM JOKING PLEASE DON'T GET RAPED).
Instead, DO develop a healthy relationship through other means.

...

AND a special bonus:
DON'T forget the logistics - as fun as surprise buttsex is, remember that proper lubrication is ALWAYS a must.

A/N: THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK ON ANYONE. If you are insecure enough to believe I have something against you, then please get some help. (The previous comment, however, WAS meant to be a personal attack, so there you go. Vindication.)