Hi, this is my first fanfiction (and its of course a yaoi given my closeted fujoshi mind) and I would like it if the reviews aren't too harsh.
Warning: the characters may be slightly OOC.
I took a deep breath before exiting my apartment. Ever since i became a ghoul, whenever I had to go out into public, I felt an overwhelming sense of nervousness. Being around large groups of people had never been my cup of tea, but with the pulsating cravings in my throat I've learned to start taking the ally ways as a security blanket.
But not today. Today I decided I would finally confront Hide. I don't know what brought about this sudden decision. A desperate craving to return to the human world? Or was it some old feelings I never confessed? Either way I wasn't talking myself out of this.
I had already called Hide and told him I'd be meeting him at his house at 7 for our traditional game night.
Despite it being only three days since I last ate, the fear of a craving hitting me in Hide's presence and hurting him had been haunting my thoughts all day. Another longing to return home struck me, but I was already halfway to Hide's house. No turning back.
Before long, I turned onto his street only to find him waiting outside his apartment. He turned to meet my eyes and a wide smile spread across his face.
"Kaneki~" chirped Hide as jolted down the street before he tackle hugged me.
He shook me around in his death grip hug before placing two hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye with an intense pout.
"Jeez. Kaneki, you're late" he said, pouting.
"Oh, uh, sorry about that. I had to do an errand," I said rubbing my chin. In actuality, I had been talking myself into coming here. All the worst case scenarios kept-and still were- playing in my head and the urge to cancel engulfed me.
Hide's pout lightened into a blank stare before he grabbed my hand and dragged me into his apartment. A dead silence hung over us and I could of sworn he was mad at me until he opened his cabinet and turned around to display two video games with a grin.
"Mario cart or Sonic?" he asked.
I gave a small smile.
"Old school, huh? Shouldn't we play something cooler," I retorted.
"Oh, hell no. You did not just dismiss retro games as nerdy," Hide said before putting the mario cart disc into his computer, obviously ignoring my opinion. After it was inserted he hopped onto the brown couch and beckoned me to join him.
"I'm going to whoop your ass," he said before picking up the spare controller and tossing it at me.
I caught with reflexes that I didn't have before my transformation and replied with, "we'll see about that."
Our game was packed full of rage shouts and cheers of success, but that wasn't what I was paying attention to. During the game, I noticed Hide gradually shifting closer to me. He did that a lot in elementary school, too. We'd always creep a little too close to each other until the day one boy mocked us for it and told us we were "gay for each other".
I dismissed it as immaturity, but Hide probably took it close to home since after that I noticed him start to drift away from me. When other boys were around, he'd keep his distance from me- technically it was the average distance most friends had with each other, but for Hide and me, it was worlds apart.
In front of our peers, his parents, or out in public in general he always kept the distance. But whenever we played video games he would slowly come closer to me. He'd break out of the invisible chains and every now and then he'd hold me. Nothing sexual, just a soft cuddle.
As I got older I started to realize that most guys don't do this, but when puberty kicked in it became too much for me. I asked him to stop and he laughed it off stating he was just using me as a pillow, but I could tell he was hurt by it.
I could feel his shoulder pressed up against mine and I wondered whether or not he would spoon me and I blushed to myself at the thought.
"Kaneki, are you even trying to win this game anymore?" Hide groaned looking over at me with a cute expression.
'What? Oh, sorry. I got distracted," I responded, trying to shoo my previous thoughts away. Why was I even thinking about that?
We played a little while longer joking and having a genuine good time until Hide looked over to me and said, "Kaneki, what do you want to eat?"
And that's when it broke. The illusion of me and Hide playing just like old times shattered and I realized that I am still a monster wearing human skin.
"Actually, t-the medication I'm taking only allows me to drink fluids," I lied.
Hide peered at me as if he were seeing right through me. Out of nervousness, I expected him to put two and two together right then and realize that I was a ghoul, but instead his hand reached out and grabbed my own gently.
"Hey, Kaneki... Can you tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on I-"
His hand tightened around my own and my already pounding heart speed up.
"You've been acting like this ever since Rize died... And I want you to tell me what's going on."
Crap, I was afraid he'd say something like this.
"Um, it's just that Rize's death has really effected me and... I'm sorry that I've been ignoring you- I don't want it to be like this I really care about you," I paused to assess what I was going to say next.
During the split second that many excuses were flashing through my mind one small idea sparked inside of me. I don't know what brought about this idea-was it the pounding in my chest or Hide's warm hand that overlapped my own. Either way the need to tell him how much I cared for him consumed me and I had no desire to resist it.
Meeting his eyes with a fierce determination, words that had been lingering inside of me for to long started to spill out.
"Hide listen. I want to tell you what's happening, but I just can't. I-I'm so scared that you'll leave me! We've been together for so long and now that we're growing further apart, I just can't stop thinking about you! I want you to be close to me, but I know we can't..."
"Can't what?"
"We can't be together..."
Just then Hide's fingers tightly interlocked with mine and and he leaned in close to me and pressed his lips against mine.
It was barely a kiss, but definitely memorable.
After the brisk lip on lip action he pulled away quickly and looked at me with a slight blush.
"Is that okay?"
Somewhere in my mind I was saying yes and leaning in for another kiss, but that was merely a fantasy. In reality I was still a monster and if I were to be his lover he'd learn that quickly, so instead I suppressed my desires and told him no.
Hide was taken aback a before faking a smile and saying he was just kidding. I could tell that beyond that curve of a smile he was wounded, but I couldn't do anything except mutter sorry. An awkward atmosphere hung over us before I told him I should probably leave.
"Bye bye, Kaneki," he said with a plastered cheerful tone.
When I walked out into the cold night's air, I hesitated closing the door to get one last look at Hide. He was facing the opposite direction, but I could tell by his arm motions and by the sound of hushed sobs that he was wiping away his tears.
I slowly closed the door while resisting the urge to go to Hide and kiss away his tears. I knew that it was too late to do that now that I was no longer human... Maybe if I chose to go on a date with Hide instead of Rize things would of worked out better.
As I slowly walked home a fantasy began playing in my head. In it, me and Hide had went on that bookstore date and he called me a nerd and I laughed it off. Then we started going on more dates and identified ourselves as boyfriends. We were genuinely happy together in the fantasy, but it was only that-a fantasy.
By the time I reached my house tears were stinging my eyes and a single question was replaying in my mind- why hadn't we started dating years ago. The simple answer was everyone told us not to.
The world told us it should be a man and a woman who fall in love so we both obliged. But now there are so many other factors separating us. Namely the fact that I am a monster and he's still a human.
No matter how much I wanted to be with Hide those boundaries can't be easily crossed. And now that I've abandoned him to cry all alone I can only assume the gap between us has deepened. Sometimes I really hate myself.