The water in the bathtub had already run out and she sat, watching a stream of blood as it ran from between her legs. It felt like she was bleeding from everywhere but it was just the water running off of her skin. She was only bleeding from between her legs, but it ached badly enough that it radiated through her body, the pain flowing through her skin in waves that didn't stop. She tried to force her mind away from the pain, away from this day but she jumped at every noise the house made and every footstep she heard in the hall. She prayed that he wouldn't come in here. She'd have to face him later. She'd sleep in his bed tonight, even though the thought seemed unfathomable at the moment. Still she prayed he'd give her a few more hours to remember how he was.
She leaned forward and turned the water on again, watching as it started to pour from the faucet. She felt the water hit her toes but couldn't feel the warmth so she turned the water up higher. Steam rose from the water and her feet turned red quickly. She hardly noticed, she was still so cold. She splashed the water between her legs and gently felt herself, checking her wounds. Her fingertips slid across the ragged tears he'd made from the inside out, a sob catching in her throat. She didn't know how to fix this. It had been bleeding for hours and showed no signs of stopping. She wasn't sure if he would take her to the doctor even if she could make herself ask him.
A knock at the door made her jump, her heart pounding in her chest. She stared at it for a moment, trying to remember how to speak. But he wouldn't have knocked, she knew that. She took a deep breath.
"It's just me." A soft, man's voice came through the door. It was just Eduard. She pulled the curtain closed. He'd seen her naked before, he'd had to take care of her before, but she didn't want him to see her this time. She shouldn't be here and this was the proof. She didn't know why she was even staying. It was hard enough to hear that question from herself, she didn't think she could handle it from him.
"Come in." She crouched behind the curtain. He came in and shut the door behind him, the click of the lock audible. She shrank back against the wall of the shower, closing her eyes. Her breath was constricted, she waited for him to open the shower curtain and touch her, force himself through her protests. But he didn't. She didn't even know where he was, he was being so quiet. She sat there in the protection of the shower, slowly letting herself unfold. She opened her eyes first and then slowly stretched out her legs. She drew ripples in the water with her finger, wondering if he was going to just sit there.
"Do you need some help?" his voice was quiet. His voice was always so calm, it made her feel more calm. Hearing him made her feel protected, she was glad he was in here with her. Even though she knew that in a fight he wouldn't stand a chance against Ivan. Ivan would destroy him.
She looks down at the blood between her legs and tries to think clearly enough to know if she needed help. It was just blood, not something she hadn't dealt with in this area before. But it didn't look right either. She could feel the tears in her skin, her labia mangled. She didn't want to be deformed. It was something else he would use against her, something else that would be inadequate for him. He already played with her breasts in a disapproving way, as if blaming her for not being enough to satisfy him. She knew he would run his fingers across her labia with that same look. He would pretend that it wasn't his fault that she was this way. She wasn't enough for him and she never would with him, she could never satisfy him the way he wanted, and it seemed like he was making sure that she would never be able to. He didn't want her to be enough.
"No. I don't think there's anything you can do." She was surprised to hear how calm her voice was.
He sighed. "Are you sure?" He stuck his hand through the gap in the shower curtain. She reached for it after a moment's hesitation and held onto it tightly. She closed her eyes and pressed his hand against her face, nearly crying now.
"You should go." She whispered, her voice choked. "I don't want him to see you in here."
He squeezed her hand and withdrew his hand. He was quiet as he left the room, the door nearly silent as it shut again. Even though he hadn't said much, she could feel his absence like a stronger silence than before he'd come.