"The one thing in the whole world that Kate does care about"
Kate Austen sits huddled in the corner of the hydra chamber. Silently. Not quite still, but serene. In her eyes Juliet sees something like peace. Something like insanity. Something telling her that the other woman is in a faraway place. Not stranded on an uncharted island in the middle of nowhere with no hope of escape, not imprisoned in the hydra station at the mercy of Benjamin Linus. But in a distant, surreal location. Something about Kate unexpectedly appears so innocent and ingenuous. So childlike and small. And Juliet struggles against the faintest glimmer of instinct to protect her.
Kate's fingers hold tightly to the toy air-plane, pushing it along as if it were soaring through the sky. She does her best with her hands cuffed together, slowly and methodically moving that toy backwards and forwards, over and over again. She had dropped it, once, and frantically scrambled to pick it up. Her entire demeanour changing once she held that toy safely in her hand. She resumed her ritual without skipping a beat, following that plane with her gaze intently. A sad tranquillity present in her eyes, accompanied by the rhythmic clinking of the metal handcuffs as she moved.
Juliet stands, mesmerised. It occurs to her that this is a bizarre performance to lull her into a false sense of security. But she dismisses the notion almost instantly. What she sees in that moment is something so raw and untainted, it isn't conceivable that this is an act. Kate seems to share such an intimate connection with the object, that Juliet feels like an intruder. Feels almost guilty for just being present in the room for this sacred ritual. So Juliet stands, mutely and unobtrusively, watching.
If Kate notices the other woman watching her, she makes no sign of it. So entranced is she in her play. Juliet tries to pity her, this sad pathetic grown woman, playing so fervently with a plastic child's toy. And yet Juliet finds herself fighting that stab on envy in her heart as she senses the perverse calmness radiating from the other woman. It isn't easy to believe this was the same woman who only hours ago had been kicking and screaming, fighting for her very life so passionately.
So this is Kate, Juliet thinks to herself. Cold blooded, quick tempered, 'fight to the death' Kate? Kate whose screams echoed across the entire village as Jack and Sawyer were beaten in front of her , Kate who caused more than a few injuries to Juliet's colleagues as she fought them off. This is Kate, who callously, remorselessly murdered her father, Kate who robbed a bank but left all the money behind, Kate who evaded capture and survived on the run for years on end, Kate who survived a plane crash in this god forsaken place. This is Kate who had Jack and Sawyer falling all over themselves to claim her. Passionate, destructive, intense, merciful, resourceful, foolish, reckless Kate. This is the one who had piqued Ben's interest. The one Ben had sent Juliet to break. And how easy it had been to break her. Juliet finds it almost disappointing to witness to this unbreakable Kate crumbling to pieces before her very eyes. Juliet finds it beyond disappointing.
Now that the fighting spirit has been extinguished from Kate's eyes, Juliet stops for a moment, to wonder just what it was that Kate had been fighting for? Had she really been fighting for her freedom? For survival? Or just out of stubborn refusal to surrender, refusal to be defeated? That was the impression Juliet had already formed in her mind of the other woman. A rebel without a cause. A woman who fought for the sake of fighting, Ran for the sake of running, hoped for the sake of hoping. What could this other woman possibly be hoping against hope for?
Why hadn't Kate left the beach with Jack and the other survivors to settle at the caves. Why was she so unable to turn her back on that minute hope of miraculous rescue. Unwilling to. Why had Kate been so desperate to take Sawyers place on that raft? What kind of life did she have to go home to?
Juliet shakes her head slightly, reminding herself that she isn't qualified to judge the value of Kate's life, Kate's hope. If Kate thought there was something to gain escaping back to real world, so be it.
Juliet wonders where the hell that hope comes from. That fighting spirit. Juliet wonders what that impossible hope feels like. Juliet wonders if it hurts.
Juliet knows she is letting her own bitterness creep into her thoughts. Juliet is the one stranded here, without hope. Juliet has resigned herself to living this way, forever. Secure in the knowledge that while there may very well be a way to escape this island, there was certainly no turning back the clock. Her old life was over. Dead. Kate's was too. It would serve Kate well to get used to that fact sooner rather than later. Juliet cant help but draw her own pessimistic conclusions. The woman was doomed, even if she survived this, even if she escaped. Kate was predestined to a life of misery, loneliness, and soul crushing guilt. It didn't seem worth it, not worth fighting so valiantly so passionately for survival. For escape. And yet Juliet somehow expected her to fight for it. Expected to fight her every step of the way.
What Juliet had not expected, was this. Strange silent stillness, almost like death. What Juliet had not expected was the way her own heart stopped beating for just a moment, Hadn't expected the way her breath caught in her throat as she gazed upon that hollow emptiness in Kate's eyes.
Juliet had prepared thoroughly for her mission, had read every word Ben provided her with about Kate Austen. She had been enthralled, enraptured by this enigma that was Kate. And finally here was the woman in the flesh, living and breathing before her very eyes. Yet it only brought more questions than answers.
Juliet had always distanced herself from people she captured, a necessity for her own survival. She never allowed herself to connect with them as human beings. But something about Kate intrigued Juliet. Something about Kate magnified itself a thousand times over and transplanted itself into Juliet's soul. Juliet had long since learned to push her own feelings aside, along with other peoples. But the sheer intensity radiating from the other woman stops Juliet in her tracks. As her eyes locked with Kate's, Juliet finds herself desperate to know everything there is to know about this woman before her.
Juliet knows Kate is courageous, undoubtedly. She also knows that Kate is deeply insecure, distrustful. But she had not expected the magnitude of terror she had seen flash across Kate's eyes. Had not expected it to pierce her own heart.
Juliet isn't sure yet if she thinks Kate is a strong woman. Sure, she survived on her own all those years, with nothing. Survived that plane crash and these weeks on the island. Yet it is the emotional weakness Juliet despises in her. Letting her anger, fear, love, get the better of her time and time over. Sure Kate was capable of clever deception at times, but she had been true to her heart. Always. That was the weakness that caused her downfall.
The idea that Kate is intelligent was debatable. Sitting playing with a child's toy while her own life at stake was less than clever. Add this bizarre behaviour to the endless list of downright stupid things Kate had done her life, repeating the same mistakes over and over. Kate had proven herself to be self destructive, thoughtless and reckless. And one look at her life, it was plain to see Kate had little, if anything, to show for her choices. Nothing that justified all that stupidity.
But Juliet hesitates to dismiss her entirely as an idiot. Kate had also proven herself resourceful and clever. By her efforts to survive on the island, to ensure the survival of her people. By the years she evaded capture by the marshals. Only to be caught in the end because she was unable to leave a man to die in a car wreck. So perhaps Kate was foolish, but not stupid and certainly but not heartless. In fact it was almost admirable.
Juliet doesn't ask herself the question , if she were the one running for her life, her freedom, for her chance to get off this island, would she have left that man to die in that car? A man who turned her in, a man who betrayed her? Juliet doesn't ask herself, because she isn't sure she wants to know the answer. Juliet doesn't ask herself just what makes her own life different from Kate's. Kate was hardly the only one who had made stupid choices, who had nothing to show for her life, Kate wasn't the only one imprisoned in this hellish place, the only one who had no hope.
Juliet quickly gives up contemplating the mystery of Kate's courage, intelligence and compassion. Instead Juliet decides that Kate's trump card is her charisma. She won people over easily. No one had suspected at first that she had been the fugitive on that plane. People liked Kate, loved her even. And Juliet wonders why. Is it just the fact that she is beautiful ? Seeing Kate in the flesh- even after weeks stranded on the island, days of imprisonment, starvation and beatings, It remained an undeniable fact- Kate was beautiful. A kind of raw beauty that couldn't be tarnished. But it was something deeper than physical beauty that drew people in, against their will, against their better judgement. Some kind of magic power weaving its way through Juliet's own heart right at that very moment.
What was it about Kate Austen that caused Jack to scream her name, and her name alone, as they tortured him? Surpassing his anger, his own judgements, his undeniable disappointment at her deception ? What was it about Kate that caused Juliet's heart to catch in her throat as her piercing screams for mercy fell over the hushed village?
Then there was that most perplexing thing of all- That damn stupid toy plane that now occupied Kate's entire attention. Juliet recalled the fear she had evoked in Kate's eyes only minutes ago, before Juliet had even laid eyes upon that plane, let alone touched it.
The minute Juliet's gaze had rested on that bulge in Kate's pocket, Kate's hand had flung instinctively to protect it. Kate's eyes had flashed with fear and resolve. And defiantly Kate had uttered "Don't you dare." Kate tried to make is sound like a command. But to Juliet's ears it sounded like pleading. A desperate pathetic request from a woman with no hope. Ordinarily Juliet would have laughed in the face of such desperation. But she couldn't quite bring herself to do it.
Juliet wanted to tell Kate she was going have to learn to play her cards closer to her chest if she was wanted to survive around here. She had given herself away so easily, with no effort from Juliet at all. Kate had told her with one look that the thing she treasured most, that thing she didn't want Juliet to get her hands on, was right inside that pocket.
Juliet pitied the foolish girl, and yet found herself somehow jealous of the freedom Kate felt to express herself, to feel things just because you feel them with no thought to the consequences. Juliet envied her the way Kate had sobbed hysterically as Jack was beaten in front of her. Showing everyone around her, her captors, her enemy, that they had wounded her deeply. It had been a pathetic display of human emotion, foolish and weak. And utterly beautiful.
It hadn't take much to wrestle the object from Kate's pocket, after all Kate hands were cuffed, she was weakened from days with no food, from merciless beatings. Juliet had every advantage. Still, Kate tried, as Juliet knew she would, to fight to defend her precious talisman. But Juliet caught her off guard with she sheer force and menace with which she pushed Kate up against the wall. Kate stumbled backwards in defeat, crying out as her head collided with the brick wall.
Their conversation up to that point had been polite, gentle, reassuring. Kate was unprepared for such an unprovoked attack from Juliet. Truthfully, Juliet surprised herself with the force she used. It wasn't necessary at all. But she had been driven beyond any logical sense, to reach into Kate's pocket and touch the thing that lay inside it.
Juliet recognised the object as soon as she pulled it from Kate's pocket . She had read the stories about that bank robbery. The shooting. Kate risking her freedom, leaving all that money behind. It was a hell of a lot of effort, a lot of risk, to get her hands on that toy plane. Sure it belonged to her childhood sweetheart. Sure she felt guilty as hell for his death. Tormented herself over it relentlessly. Sure Mars baited her and she fell for it. Even so, it seemed over the top to Juliet. And all that, to lose it again when she was finally captured in Australia, and then to have it pulled away even further from her grasp in a plane crash. To finally find it once again, and once again pay such a high price for holding onto it, lying to Jack, losing his respect.
All that for a little plastic toy plane. The plane that Kate was guarding with her soul as if it was the most important thing to her, as if it were the one thing in the whole world that Kate does care about. Juliet wondered what that felt like, having something to hold so close that meant so much.
Juliet closed her fingers over the object, encasing it in her hand, out of Kate's sight. Kate's eyes clouded over with rage. Yet Kate didn't make a move, not while Juliet held that precious toy plane in her hands. It was as if she was afraid that if she attacked Juliet, Juliet might drop it, Juliet might break it, Juliet might crush that little toy plane in her bare hands. And Kate held her breath expectantly.
Juliet clung tightly to that plane, half expecting some sort of magic power to reveal itself. Tried desperately to feel what it was about that lump of plastic that could possibly mean so much. Juliet closed her eyes. Waiting. But nothing happened. And Juliet reluctantly concluded that Kate was kidding herself. It was just a meaningless lump of plastic. The true thing Kate really craved slipped through her fingers long long ago. But Juliet couldn't bring herself to burst that bubble. She knew the things she should have said in that moment, the things Ben would want her to say. Accusations about Tom, Taunting Kate about his death, about that little toy plane. She knew it wouldn't take much to push Kate over the edge. To tell her that the stupid plane meant nothing. That Kate had nothing, just like the rest of them stranded on that damn island. Once again, when Juliet tried to open her mouth,she found only a hollow dry void of silence.
To break the awkward silence, and maintain her sense of control, Juliet finally instructed Kate to sit. Kate obediently slumped to the floor. Juliet marvelled that it had been so easy. Only hours ago nothing would force the woman to comply with even the simplest of commands. Not promises of food, threats of harm to her, to Jack, to Sawyer. Stubbornly she had refused to give an inch. Yet now Juliet had that plane in her hands, the woman's resolve crumbled right in front of her very eyes. Ah, Juliet thought to herself, so that little toy plane did have powers after all.
Reminding herself she was pleased by her new found authority over Kate, Juliet placed that little toy plane in her own pocket. And suddenly that meaningless useless lump of plastic felt as if it was alive, as if it was smouldering and burning against Juliet's flesh.
When Juliet looked into Kate eyes it was pure unadulterated terror staring back at her, from eyes that had all but lost their light. Juliet longed to understand what it was about that toy plane that frightened Kate so, that caused those passionate eyes to fade to a death like stare, caused this strong woman to huddle trembling in front of her.
It was that curiosity drove Juliet to take a deep breath and crouch down in front of Kate, a simple need to understand. So Juliet told herself. Told herself it was all part of the greater plan. Nothing to do with the fact that she suddenly and inexplicably found herself longing to be close to the other woman. Lost for words, Juliet offered the bottle of water to Kate. A peace offering of sorts. And because she couldn't stand to see those dry cracked lips. Kate looked at that bottle, then to Juliet. She made no move to take it, not even any sign of longing in her gaze, as if she wasn't thirsty in the least, which Juliet knew to be a physical impossibility.
Drink it." Juliet told her. But Kate hadn't moved an inch. Two days without water and the stubborn girl wouldn't take a drink. Where once Juliet would have shrugged, smiling, and said 'Suit yourself Kate.' Instead she found anger creeping into her consciousness. Not quite anger. Something almost like caring. Something that drove her to take a deep breath, and instead of laughing, instead of walking away and taking that water bottle with her, Juliet found herself lifting that bottle to Kate's lips, as if Kate were a child, half expecting Kate to angrily fling the bottle away, too proud to accept anything from the enemy. The enemy who not only kidnapped and tortured her and her friends, but the enemy who took her little toy plane away.
Once again, Kate surprised Juliet, as she drank gratefully from the bottle Juliet offered her. Her legs aching, Juliet moved to sit cross legged on the floor. Not feeling the least bit vulnerable, not even considering the possibility that Kate might find her fighting spirit again any minute, any minute that fear might turn into anger, , and that sitting there opposite Kate would only make her an easy target.
Juliet found herself drawn to touch Kate. Found herself taking Kate's trembling bleeding red raw wrists in her own hands. Both her arms covered in bruises from where she had been beaten and kicked. Juliet had heard her screaming. But Kate made it so hard on herself, trying to fight back, trying to escape. It only made them beat her harder. Kate had been asking for trouble, when it must have been obvious she was defeated. There was nothing to gain from fighting back at that point, she was out numbered by far. She could not possibly have believed she stood a chance. That was just one more thing about Kate that Juliet couldn't quite fathom.
It made Juliet nervous that Kate was now so quiet, so complacent. Throughout the exchange it sat uncomfortably with Juliet that she was the only one speaking. Juliet had envisioned it all so differently. Pictured Kate full of angry questions and accusations, while Juliet herself smiled sweetly, smugly, and gave little away.
Instead Juliet, after forcefully taking away Kate's treasured possession, now sat before her, her own hands trembling as if she were the prisoner and Kate the captor. As if Kate had the power to destroy her, and not the other way around.
Instinctively, Juliet reached into her pocket for the key to remove those handcuffs. That same pocket that contained that little plane. Kate's eyes followed intently. Juliet's heart stopped beating, just for a moment, as she pushed away the realisation, that this wasn't how things were supposed to work. The realisation that she was no longer playing some kind of manipulative game with Kate. Trying to win her trust, trying to confuse her, to break her. It was Simply that Juliet couldn't stand to see Kate's wrists torn to shreds in those handcuffs. Juliet felt her own wrists stinging, burning, as if her own hands were cuffed, not Kate's. To Juliet it seemed somehow that by removing those ghastly things, she would be freeing herself and not Kate.
"Let me take those off." Juliet offered. And just like that the conversation reverted to polite, almost caring. Except, unlike before, Juliet wasn't just playing her part. Her voice now laden with genuine compassion, with empathy. Perhaps Kate sensed it, from the way her head snapped up, looking into Juliet's eyes silently searching for meaning. Juliet could see Kate was surprised, confused. .As if she hadn't expected such a caring gesture from Juliet. Beyond that, as if she hadn't expected it from anyone. as if no one, ever, had spoken to Kate with that much compassion, as if no one had ever touched her so tenderly, in Kate's entire life.
Juliet knew it was pathetic. The way she looked to Kate in that moment, expecting something from her. Expecting Kate to understand. Juliet's 'people' had tortured the girl for days. And now here was Juliet sitting before her, wanting to take the hand cuffs off, as if that made up for everything Kate had endured. Here was Juliet sitting, gently caressing Kate's bloodied wrists, and looking to Kate as if Kate should somehow be grateful for the concern. As if she should somehow trust Juliet just because she is sitting there with that key in her hand offering to set her wrists free.
What Juliet wanted to say to Kate was this.
'You can trust me. I wont hurt you. I wont let them hurt you anymore.'
As the words crossed her mind, Juliet had to stop herself from laughing out loud. How ludicrous. They had already hurt Kate. And Juliet was powerless to stop the others doing with Kate whatever they wanted to. What's more, there was no reason why Juliet should even want to try.
Kate's eyes returned to that pocket. Still longing for that little plane. Distant fear fading in her almost lifeless eyes. Lifeless didn't suit her. Neither did fear. Juliet wondered how it was possible one look could drive her so crazy from eyes so dispassionate one minute, yet flickering with intensity the next.
How deeply Juliet wanted say to her ...
'Don't be afraid. You've lost everything already Kate. Anything you still had belongs to Ben now. There is nothing left to fear, and it's not so bad. So please stop looking at me like that. Like I'm the one who broke your heart. Like I'm the one that can fix it. Stop it Kate, because it's killing me.'
Shaking her head, Juliet focused her concentration on slipping that key into the lock to remove those handcuffs, But Kate pulled her hands away abruptly.
Once again its anger that Juliet found creeping up. She pushed it away. Refusing to let Kate get the better of her. If the stupid girl didn't want Juliet to take those handcuffs off then let her suffer. What difference should it make to Juliet? But it did make a difference, it made Juliet want to scream.
Instead Juliet swallowed her frustration and asked calmly, "You don't want me to un cuff you Kate?" Juliet waited for Kate to shout back that she wanted to be free, that she wanted to know where Jack was, that she wanted to go home. All the things Juliet heard her scream over and over to anyone who would listen for days on end after she had been captured.
But Kate didn't answer. And it was that exact moment that the fear seized Juliet's heart. That moment Juliet realised Kate Austen had some strange power over her. This was completely insane, sitting here, pleading with this prisoner to drink, to allow Juliet to un cuff her. It was that moment that Juliet realised she had done it, done what Ben asked, broken Kate completely. Juliet had done it. And somehow lost herself in the process.
All Juliet wanted in that moment was to put Kate back together. To hear her scream, for her to kick and scream and fight. Juliet wanted to see some sign of life. Wanted to see strength and passion and fire. and not fear.
And Juliet was afraid, because it was crazy to want that. And even more afraid that it was probably too late.
Juliet knew in her heart this was wrong. Juliet had always known the things the 'others' did were wrong. She forced herself to overlook it, her own survival taking priority. It was adapt or die, and so she had adapted. But this was different. Hurting Kate was wrong on an altogether new level. Hurting Kate- was unbearable. Juliet felt fear escalating to realise Kate had such power over her, to realise anyone had that power over her when she had long ago convinced herself she was unreachable.
"Give it back." Kate spoke finally, in a shaky voice, pulling Juliet from her thoughts.
Taking the plane from her had been instinct. A seemingly good tactic. To gain control, power. leverage. To get Kate's attention. And here Kate was. Broken, virtually begging fro that stupid toy plane. Ben would have been pleased. Finally Juliet had the power to control Kate Austen.
But Juliet knew she had to give it back. Taking that plane away simply felt too cruel. Like snatching candy from a baby. It had been too easy. Too needless. It cut Juliet right through to her gut with insidious guilt. All the things Juliet had been part of, all the things she had washed herself clean from, and this, taking that stupid toy plane from Kate, this was the thing that tormented her.
It was that moment Juliet knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kate wasn't the one who was completely insane. It was that moment Juliet stopped caring if she had lost her mind. It was that moment Juliet reached into her pocket, gently cradling that plane in her hand as if it would shatter, and placed it into Kate's outstretched trembling fingers.
Juliet then climbed to her feet, taking hesitant steps away from Kate.
Juliet watches Kate drift further away, to a far away place. Playing with that little toy plane as if Juliet did not even exist, as if Jack and Sawyer and Ben and this whole crazy god forsaken island did not exist.
It's envy Juliet feels as she looks upon that peaceful expression on Kate's face. Juliet does not want to turn her eyes away. As if some of that madness might be contagious. As if just a flicker of that crazy unreal peace might transcend into her own soul. Juliet shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other, as feelings of shame she long since banished come flooding back over her. Feelings of confusion and powerlessness and dread.
Finally, a perverse sadness overtakes Juliet as she stands watching. A sadness that outweighs all her other conflicting thoughts and feelings. Juliet feels suddenly like she lost something precious. She realises that giving Kate back that plane only pushed her further away into some sort of unreal faraway fantasy. A place Juliet can not follow.
So, while there may be peace in place of that ghastly death-like terror -illed expression in Kate eyes, Kate is still gone. And Juliet is, undeniably, alone.
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