Kakashi could hardly hold himself back.
He'd spent years as an elite, his patience and foresight gaining him an edge over his opponents, his genius seeing through ploys galore.
But now, facing his former student and current Hokage, he felt pure malice thrum through his body.
"Could you repeat that please, Hokage-sama," he ground out tightly.
"It's time you settled down, Sensei," wheezed the young man through his former mentor's tight grip around his throat. "You need to relax. Pass on your jutsu. Leave behind your own legacy."
The older man's evident eye bore holes through Naruto's.
"… especially since I may not make it…." The blond squeaked worriedly, now noting the look of murderous intent on Sakura's face, just over Kakashi's shoulder.
The woman Naruto had hoped would support him in his decision was right behind their old sensei, and it looked like she couldn't wait for her turn, either.
"Naruto, you have no right to involve yourself in your shinobi's personal lives," growled Sakura. "Hokage doesn't mean 'god'."
After a moment, she gave an exasperated huff, however, and shrugged.
"Kakashi-sensei, please let him go for now. He's going blue."
"Blue isn't purple."
Sakura fought the urge to roll her eyes.
"Kill him and you may never find Jiraiya's long-lost 'journals'."
Their esteemed leader was then dropped unceremoniously to the floor, landing with a choking gasp at their feet.
Meanwhile, their teacher straightened thoughtfully before turning to give her a happy eye-crease. "You always were my favourite."
"Yeah, and you always were," gasp gasp gasp, pant, wheeeeeeeze, air-sucking-in-too-fast, "the smart one, Sakura-chan."
The smart one then picked up the hoarse, abused one by the back of his collar and glared at him dead in the eye, his nose just inches from hers. The warning in them was implicit, and he swallowed.
"You aren't off the hook yet, Naruto," she said, dropping him this time into his chair, completely ignoring how ruffled his official robes were. "Now, explain. Why are you messing around with Kakashi-sensei's personal life? We had a talk about match-making, remember?"
"And I'm still so, so sorry about that, Sakura-chan, I had no idea he was really a she, and that—."
"Narutooo…"
"Tsunade-baa-chan made me do it!"
At this point, Sakura was able to read what little she could see of Kakashi's face, and it clearly said the underground bowels of the Torture and Interrogation department didn't see nearly enough action these days, and he could think of a number of creative ways to remedy posthaste.
Personally.
Apparently the incumbent Hokage could read pissed-off-sensei clearly, too, and put up one hand (whether to ward them off or order a moment of silence, they weren't sure) while he rifled through and grabbed a scroll from his drawers hastily. "I mean it! Look for yourselves."
Sakura snatched it and tore it open, her green eyes flashing in fury, then disbelief.
"Wow, her handwriting's barely legible, she must have been into the really vintage barrels when she wrote this," the pinkette muttered to herself. "Oh gods…" she added aloud, clearly surprised. "Kakashi, Naruto's telling the truth."
"If it stays within these walls—."
"Sensei!"
If he'd been Sai, she would have already punched him in the head; but, being the illustrious Copy-Nin, she thought he deserved more respect than that. Marginally.
"Shut up and read this, you idiot sensei!" she commanded, shoving the relevant portion of the scroll into his face. "It's true," she repeated huffily.
"Nothing a katon-jutsu can't fix—."
"NO! There's more in that scroll I still need to do!" cried Naruto, reaching for it. "It's Tsunade's Last Orders To Be Carried Out, her Hokage-wish-list."
"There are limits to a Hokage's power and influence, though, Naruto," Sakura rubbed her now-pounding temples, understanding that her long-time friend was simply trying to do right by their former Hokage. Softening the edges in her tone, she looked at him, his messy hair and earnest expression. "You can send us to die on a battlefield, and we'll do it without question, but you can't order your shinobi to—."
"—be happy?"
"—To sleep around impregnating random women just to continue a bloodline or clan."
"Not without an S-ranking mission and revealing clothing, anyway," Naruto said, thinking back on some of what he'd learned from Konoha's history of kunoichi-led seduction missions.
That time, Sakura did punch him. Just a little bit.
"W-w-wait-t…," Naruto shakily pulled himself up off the floor and tried to reach for the two ninja currently walking towards his office's exit. "Baa-chan did give this an S-ranking, and she said Sakura should be the one to help Kakashi-sensei!"
A pair of expertly thrown kunai thudded sharply, pinning the Hokage back down to the ground, their thrower glowering menacingly down at him, long hair flowing around her vengefully.
"Last words?"
"To help him find someone!"
"Short, works for me."
"Sakura-chaaaaaan!"
The new mission scroll drawn up, taped back together and re-sealed, a seriously injured Hokage slowly, achingly, handed it to his two former team mates.
"This mission is officially given."
Sakura took the missive. "And received."
Kakashi nodded, for the most part back to his usual laid-back self.
"And as for the compensation."
"Should a child, family, result—which it hopefully will!—all expenses will be paid by the village in order to raise it and all its potential siblings until their age of majority."
Kakashi narrowed his visible eye.
"And of course, any and all of Ero-sensei's unpublished works will be turned over to Kakashi-sensei."
Happy smiles and eye creases all around.
"Finally," breathed Naruto in relief. He waved them away, dismissing them. "Now Sakura can go give you your physical to make sure you can have kids, and then you're on your own. Update me in a month with good news, Sensei."
… "Physical?" choked Sakura.
She stared everywhere but at him.
He did the same.
In his standard, hospital-issue gown, while his long, scarred, naked legs dangled off the edge of the examination table.
"I can get someone else," she offered, trying to maintain her professionalism.
He shrugged.
"Will you still be here if I leave to go get someone?"
Happy eye-crease.
She sighed and felt her shoulders droop.
"Ok, we'll start with Q & A."
He nodded, not offering anything further.
"Have you fathered any previous children?"
"No."
"Is there a family history of any genetically linked diseases or conditions?"
He looked at her balefully.
"Right… I'll see if there's a copy of your father's medical files around…."
Soldiering on, she looked at the next question on her list. "Is there anything that you feel would put you at risk for fathering children, or hinder your ability to father a child?"
He snorted.
"Kakashi-sensei?"
"My vasectomy?"
"Fixable."
His gray eye widened slightly.
She ignored the look; if she could re-attach a shinobi's severed limb, she could sure as Hell fix his plumbing. She may just do it blindfolded, in this case.
"I can see a list of your clinic visits, immunizations and medications, and I don't see any permanent damage listed from disease. Is there anything else you'd like to add before we proceed to the physical exam?"
"Can we not and say we did?"
It was her turn to snort.
AN: "Naruto" and its characters are copyright its original owners and creators. I make no profit from these stories (though I do hope you get a good laugh as I manipulate everything with my parody-no-jutsu). Another old story I wrote back in 2010, but never got around to finishing. Enjoy!