A/N: This story is kind of a retelling of Eclipse in Edward's point of view but not really. It's just mainly about what he's feeling and what he doesn't realize he's feeling during the book.
Please tell me what you think!
You don't mind. Not really.
It's only natural, you think. She was with him so long…it's only natural for something to happen. For her to need him like she needs you; to need him like she doesn't need you.
You don't mind…not really.
He's picturing her. Picturing her in a way that makes your lip curl and the snarl tear your throat and make your chest burn. And you think that, that is only natural too. You can't remember but you're certain that you must have been like that when you were his age.
But then again…maybe not.
She's smiling at him.
It's a beautiful smile. A beautiful…beautiful smile and for a moment you hate her.
You're surprised by the emotion and force it away so that you can say it was never there but Jasper is looking at you. His eyes slightly wider than is normal but they have that understanding. That horrible, horrible understanding that you would imagine would make you sick if you were human.
You're not human.
Is that why you're so sad?
Is that why it's okay that he loves her? Is that why it's okay that he whispers it to you when she doesn't listen? Where she can't listen?
Is that why it's okay that she loves him too?
Your throat hurts and there's something hurting—hurting—in your chest but that's okay. That's probably natural as well.
Jealously, your mind whispers and you agree.
She's whispering his name and there's something breaking. But you deserve this. You deserve his smug smile and condemning eyes and her shaking fingers and tight lips.
You deserve this.
Don't you?
The image he sent you makes you ache.
She's desperate looking and holding him so tightly you can almost feel her nails dig into your flesh and her lips are on his and they're not yours…and he isn't you…
And soon it isn't an image at all, but there; there right in front of you. You'll pretend that you haven't seen and will slowly show her that you understand and that it's okay.
She's only human after all. What more can you expect from her?
She told you she loved you.
Maybe that's what you expected.
But no, you have no right to be bitter. It's okay. This is your fault. You caused this. You drew her away. You allowed his arms to be the ones she went to.
You allowed this…
She wants you to hate her. You can see it in her eyes. "It will be easy," they say. Just show her that you resent her just a bit—just a little bit—and she'll be gone and reassure herself in years to come that it was because she hurt you so badly that she couldn't be with you.
You want to hate her too.
She'll be happier, you think. But haven't you told her you're selfish? Haven't you told her that you would never let her go again? That it was a horrible—horrible—mistake? Haven't you already done this?
So you smile.
After all, your soul burned long ago.
She chooses you and you wonder why you don't feel anything. You wonder why there no longer is pain when you try to hold her and feel her move away. And you wonder if not feeling makes it all the worse.
Her eyes are too dark and the skin beneath them too shallow. Her smile is too taunt and her body too thin.
She says his name at night.
You haven't told her that you sit on her front porch and not in her room during those long—disgusting—black nights.
You haven't told her that you can't look at her.
It's wrong, you think. She's only suffered and only wanted to be with you. But you don't understand. You're frozen in this never ending night.
So frozen.
You'll change her because you want her to be with you; just like she wants to be with you. You wonder when that stopped meaning the same thing.
There's something shredded and crying in your chest but hasn't it always been there? Has that just happened? Were you not always so hurt?
You don't remember.
Is that natural too?
You hear her whisper his name through the slightly opened window and think that maybe tomorrow Emmett will need your help with something and when Bella wakes up from a nightmare you'll tell her in the morning that it was far too important to not help immediately.
Emmett will nod with troubled eyes when she asks if this is true and give you a look that says, 'Edward, what are you doing?' But he understands. Emmett understands because they all understand.
You have to go now.
Your body is moving.
But you're frozen remember? You can't move.
"Jacob?" She says to the phone, her voice hushed and pleading and loving. "Please talk to me."
You'll smile at her and say, "Keep trying, Bella. I don't want you to lose him."
And you hate him.
Does that mean you hate her too?
Maybe…
But that's okay…
You don't mind…not really.