DIO'S DAD: rich people
DIO: cool
[DIO kills DIO'S DAD, goes to THE JOESTAR ESTATE]
DIO: hey, im dio
im like
gonna kill everyone
and steal all your money
i hope thats okay
JONATHAN: what were those last parts
[DIO kisses ERINA]
DIO: im sorry what was that
i couldnt hear you over
all that
me being an asshole
JONATHAN: fuck
A FEW DAYS LATER, OR SOMETHING
DIO: hello dadstar
time to fucking die
JONATHAN: dio
please
DIO: april fools
JONATHAN: its november
[DIO leaves the room]
JONATHAN'S DAD: im dying
JONATHAN: oh shit
uh
brb
[JONATHAN goes to OGRE STREET]
SPEEDWAGON: what are you doing in my swamp
JONATHAN: im going to beat the shit out of you for making a shrek reference
SPEEDWAGON: calm down
check out that guy over there
THE GUY DIO BOUGHT POISON FROM: oh boy do i love selling poison to DIO so he can kill DIO'S DAD and JONATHAN'S DAD
JONATHAN: exqueeze me
DIO POSION GUY: frick
[JONATHAN gets the cure], goes back to JOESTAR ESTATE]
JONATHAN: im hom-
DIO: hey check this out
[DIO puts on THE STONE MASK, kills JONATHAN'S DAD and COUNTLESS MINOR CHARACTERS you saw for 2 CHAPTERS]
DIO: cool huh
SPEEDWAGON: and im here too
JONATHAN: okay
you know what
[JONATHAN lights JOESTAR ESTATE on fire]
DIO: really dude
ughhhhh
the story cant be this short you know
whatever
ill be back
A FEW DAYS LATER
ZEPPELLI: hey you joestar fuck
im here to train you
JONATHAN: whatever
ZEPPELLI: check this out
[ZEPPELLI punches A FROG]
JONATHAN: why
ZEPPELLI: because jonathan
JONATHAN: whatever
LATER
DIO: tarkus and BRUFORD
whatever i dont care just go
TARKUS and BRUFORD: Mary, Queen of Scots (8 December 1542 – 8 February 1587), also known as Mary Stuart[3] or Mary I of Scotland, was Queenof Scotland from 14 December 1542 to 24 July 1567 and Queen consort of France from 10 July 1559 to 5 December 1560.
Mary, the only surviving legitimate child of King James V of Scotland, was six days old when her father died and she acceded to the throne. She spent most of her childhood in France while Scotland was ruled by regents, and in 1558, she married the Dauphin of France, Francis. He ascended the French throne as King Francis II in 1559, and Mary briefly became queen consort of France, until his death in December 1560. Widowed, Mary returned to Scotland, arriving in Leith on 19 August 1561. Four ye
ZEPPELLI: dear god
let me just
[ZEPPELLI, TARKUS and BRUFORD die]
ZEPPELLI: sweet release
JONATHAN: okay now there are other characters here
i dont care about them
time to go to dio town
DIO: ah
jonathan
did you like thouse undead warriors
JONATHAN: i feel like
the minor antagonists in stardust crusaders have more depth to them
eh idk
DIO: whatever
prepare to die
[DIO is defeated by JONATHAN]
DIO: well fuck
[DIO dies with LIKE AN ENTIRE VOLUME left of STORY]
JONATHAN: well erina
we just had a kid
it looks like
[DIO'S HEAD kills NEARLY EVERYONE on the BOAT]
DIO'S HEAD: im sorry
what was that?
too busy stealing your hot bod
JONATHAN: um
[JONATHAN puts ERINA and BABY LISA LISA into a coffin]
JONATHAN: be free little birdie
[JONATHAN blows up the BOAT, JONATHAN DIES]
DIO'S HEAD: im going to take this body anyways
but im still going to wait for part 3
fuck you
[PART 1 ENDS]