Jude had not been having a good night.
The only reason he'd even agreed to participating in this stupid, stupid idea was the off chance he'd be alone with Connor. Even once. But here he was, awkwardly sitting with Taylor in the corner of her living room, watching Connor and Daria make out over on the sofa. The Jack Daniel's bottle had long since been emptied.
Jude had only pretended to drink it.
"This whole night was a bust, huh?" Taylor muttered, leaning against a dark leather armest, absentmindedly toying with the forgotten alcohol bottle. She most defnitely was not drunk, and he couldn't quite tell if she, too, had pretended to drink or if she was just hard to get drunk. Judging by the straight face she made when she took the shot, probably the latter.
Jude just nodded.
"Are you still hanging out with Connor after this?" There was a sympathetic look on her face. She pitied him, for wanting what he couldn't have- or, little did she know- wanting what he did have, and having to share it.
Jude shrugged. He leaned back, his head resting against the wall as he watched Connor with his so called girlfriend. "Maybe," he finally said, letting out a sigh. "hey probably doesn't want to anymore.
"Hey," Taylor said softly, leaning closer to him. She put a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly. "Don't say that." When he didn't respond, she let his hand fall from his shoulder. "I'm sorry Connor is straight."
Jude knew better than that, but he said nothing to correct her. That wasn't the situation, but secretly, he wished that it was.
Things would be much simpler.
"Are you sure you don't want to hang out with me?" Connor asked softly, a drunk smile on his face, his arms snaking around Jude's waist. They stood by their bikes, outside Taylor's house. The girls had left for Daria's place a few minutes prior. They were finally alone, and Jude was having trouble saying no to the question Connor kept asking. He's just leading you on, he tried to convince himself (to no avail).
"Fine," he said, finally, hesitantly. Connor's touch had, admittedly, weakened his judgement. Connor grinned at him and let go of his waist, backing up towards his bike.
"Great. There's a park about a block down, maybe we could go there? Talk?" He was quiet for a moment. "Or, you know, something else."
As Jude got on his bike, he found it hard to stop smiling like an idiot.
The ride was short and mostly done in silence. It was dark, and quiet, and Jude was pretty sure if they said anything at all everyone in the neighborhood would hear it. You could've heard a pin drop- it was peaceful.
"Turn here." Connor said, loud and rather abruptly, making a sharp turn. Jude followed, laughing at his best friend's (is that the word he should use?) recklessness.
"Are you sure you're sober enough to ride your bike right now?" Jude asked, smiling at Connor's back. The taller boy turned, just for a moment, locking eyes with him. Connor smiled at him, and it made Jude feel intoxicated.
They pulled over onto the curb near the park's entrance. "This is probably the smallest park I've ever seen," Jude joked. It was tiny, with brown grass and about one tree. Very romantic. Jude got off his bike and turned towards Connor, who was practically running towards him. "So what do you want to d-"
He was cut off by Connor's lips on his, pushing him back into the chain-link fence that surrounded the park. He closed his eyes as Connor held him by the face, pulling him further into the kiss. He pulled away for just a second, breathless. "At least let me take my bike helmet off first." Connor laughed, reaching up just under Jude's chin and unclipping the helmet.
"Okay, nerd," he whispered, chuckling as he threw the helmet over by his bike. "Better?"
Jude nodded, grinning as he wrapped his arms around Connor's waist, pulling him in for another kiss. "Very," he said as their lips met. They stayed like that for a second, just kissing, this one much softer than the last one. Jude broke the kiss to speak and Connor immediately moved to his neck, placing soft kisses where his hands had just been gripping tightly. "I think you're drunk." He let out a soft giggle as Connor pulled his lips away, just slightly, so they were barely touching him. He could feel his hot breath on his skin and it was making him dizzy.
"Just a little," Connor whispered, pressing down another soft kiss. "I was planning on doing this anyway."
And even though there were good intentions behind that line, it made him feel a little guilty. Is that what he had been thinking about while he was kissing Daria? It was good that Connor liked him and not her. It was good that she made it so they could hang out without his dad being weird about it... but she didn't know that. She thought Connor really liked him.
Connor moved back up to Jude's lips, kissing him again. Jude pushed him away. He couldn't. Connor looked confused, furrowing his eyebrows, staring at Jude. "What's wrong?"
"I- we can't."
There was a pained smile on Connor's face. "Yes, we can. We are." A beat passed, and the silence felt a bit threatening. "Don't you like me?"
Jude frowned, looking down at their feet. "Yes," he whispered, swallowing hard. "But you have a girlfriend."
Connor leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on Jude's. "You know I'm only with her so my dad won't suspect anything. I don't like her. I like you." Jude noddded.
"I know. I know that, but she doesn't. She thinks you like her. I just- I know it would really suck if I was in her position. I don't think... I don't think I can do this. Not if you're still dating her."
Connor bit his lip, blinking a few times before he hesitantly responded. "She's the only way we can be together, Jude." The silence was back. "I just- don't you want that? Don't you want to be with me?" Jude stared into his eyes- they were a little glassy from the alcohol, but he could still see the pleading. He could see the hurt.
"Of course I do. I just... if you're pretending to date her everyday, and kissing her everyday, and making her think you really like her when you actually like me... am I really with you?" Neither of them had anything else to say.
"So, what? Do you not want to do this anymore?"
"It's not that I don't want to. It's just that we can't."
"Jude..." Connor stroked his cheek with his thumb, and Jude just shook his head.
"If something changes, just... let me know, okay? But right now we can't. It's just too hard. I'm sorry, okay?"
Jude let go of Connor and pulled his hands away from around his neck.
As he left, leaving Connor standing there, drunk and in shock, he felt a little sad that he hadn't kissed him one last time.