***AUTHOR'S NOTE*** Whew. So, how do you follow a story like Naruto Ultimate Harem Marmalade Party? You don't. SO! This will be a crack fic, but mercifully done in a different way, with correct spelling and grammar. Now, Most of every Naruto fic I've seen with Aoba has him being pretty much in character, acting his nice old self, even befriending Ino in a believable and non-sexual way. This has to change, and dagnabbit I'm gonna be the one to do it! This will be the secret story of Aoba, explaining all those powers we know Kishimoto is afraid to reveal he has, with the most ludicrous crack pairings I can squeeze in. The vibe I'm going for here is of an old Chinese martial arts flick, so imagine all the action and dialogue pacing like you'd see in one of those. Hrmm... I think that's it. Here we go!
God of Destruction: The Legend of Aoba Yamashiro
It was a sunny, clear day in the Land of Clouds, with songbirds twittering above the rooftops. Women and children walked the streets, sights being pointed out as errands were run and groceries bought. Currently, Naruto Uzumaki was in a noodle shop with Kakashi, who was briefly with the squad after Might Guy accidentally sent out an SOS. At the moment Naruto was in one of his rare thinking, questioning moods, and had something on his mind.
"So, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto asked between bites of his ramen, "Have you ever been on an S-ranked mission where you didn't really know what was going on?"
"Only once." But that was all the masked jonin said, as he imbibed his noodles.
"Well who else was on the mission?"
"...Itachi and Aoba." Naruto paused mid-bite with a surprised look on look on his face. "All I can say is that it was around the time of the Hyuga incident."
"All you can say? But that was like years ago!"
"Ninety-nine percent of all ANBU missions are never declassified, so literally that's all I can say. Sorry." With a harrumph! Naruto downed the rest of his noodles and looked at the empty bowl for a moment.
"So, what was Aoba like back then?"
"Ah, a lot like he is now, but a little more carefree," Kakashi answered, gesturing with his chopsticks. "But then the Uchiha massacre happened and his vision problems started, and he's been a tad quieter since."
"What do you mean, vision problems? He can see just fine, that's ridiculous."
"Yeah; the corrective jutsu left his eyes sensitive to light, which is why he wears those shades all the time." Kakashi took a bite of ramen. "Or at least, that's what everyone says. I know how to do my homework, I've checked the hospital records from back then..."
"So Aoba is hiding something, huh..."
"Not necessarily," Kakashi said. "That's just my opinion. You'd have to talk to him about it. You know, it could be possible he was on a mission and had it taken care of by a local medic nin; but who knows." Kakashi finished up his ramen, and wiped off his mask. The pair fished out some money to pay for the meal, and walked away back to the ship.
~oOo~
"I guess this is where we part ways, my eternal rival!"
"Til next time!" Kakashi waved to Guy and gave one of his eye smiles, pulling out an Icha Icha novel as he turned and walked away. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief and folded his arms behind his head.
"From here it's just a short trip to where my mission is, right?"
"Correct," Affirmed Yamato. "But I've been told we'll need a guide, so a Hidden Cloud shinobi is supposed to meet us at the inn to guide us."
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get a move on!" And so the trio left with Naruto to head to the inn, to settle down and relax before continuing with their mission in the morning. Naruto hummed a happy tune, his conversation with Kakashi almost forgotten until they reached their lodgings. While Guy and Yamato went upstairs with their bags, Naruto tapped Aoba on the shoulder. "Say, Aoba ol' buddy, how about we get a drink?"
Aoba chortled at Naruto's manner. "Sure, I was getting thirsty anyways." Striding over to the inn's bar, they sat down.
"Aaah, what will two such illustrious guests as yourselves have, if I may ask?" Questioned the bartender, a balding man with gray hair.
"I'll just have some water," Said Naruto.
"Cup of sake, if you would." The bar tender bowed and backed away to retrieve their drinks, and Aoba turned to Naruto. "So, what's up?" He asked with a smirk.
"Ah, you know, just hanging out on this S-ranked mission," Naruto said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Just had this kinda random question: why do you always wear sunglasses? It weird, you even have them on at night."
"Oh, well the medical jutsu after the surgery wasn't applied by an expert, and it left my eyes a little sensitive to light."
"It's not so bright in here, why don't you take 'em off and let me see?"
"You're an expert medic-nin now? ...and besides, they look a little weird, too. Haven't been quite as popular with the ladies since." Naruto kept staring at him, until Aoba sighed. "Alright, fine." Putting Naruto under a genjutsu illusion of him removing his sunglasses, Aoba turned back to the bar.
"Aaaah, here are your drinks, illustrious sirs..." The bartender bowed again, and backed away to do his duties elsewhere in the bar. Aoba grabbed his cup and took a large gulp- but as he did so he recognized a bitter taste, and spat out what he could while he was still conscious.
~oOo~
His eyes flickering open, Aoba groaned. He tried to stretch, but found he was tied to a chair, and the knots seemed to be tied by an expert hand. There was a single light bulb overhead in the windowless room, just barely moving back and forth. Hmm? Who's that behind me? Turning around, Aoba saw it was Naruto, who was still out. "Naruto. Naruto!" After calling with hushed urgency a few more times, the jinchuriki finally woke.
"Aoba? B'whuh?" Looking around for a moment, Naruto began to piece things together. "Was there something in our drinks?"
"There was something in mine; you were under a genjutsu."
"Genjutsu? All I can remember was you taking off your glasses and then I just woke up here."
"...that was the genjutsu. It- it's complicated, but essentially think of it like Kakashi covering his Sharingan."
"So you have a dojutsu? I haven't really heard of any besides the Byakugan and Sharingan."
"Oh there definitely aren't too many- outside the Great Three, there are only five that I know of, but there could be more." Ah, we'll have plenty of time, it seems. Might as well do some explaining. "Let's see, first I can bring to mind is the Mystogan- can sense life force, and chakra, and has some similarities with the Byakugan and Sharingan. It's last known wielder was named... Ranmaru, I think."
"Oh yeah, I remember him. Nice kid, but his eyes kinda scared me back then."
"Then there's the Hebigan, which can see heat as colors and also reportedly grants night-vision. Last known wielder is Tomu Ridoru, from Kusa. Aha, of course, there is the Shinshitsugan, which is rumored to bestow heightened hypnotic and seductive powers. Then... there's the Taidanagan, which is supposed to be able to capture action and replay it as a genjutsu."
"Those actually sound kinda useful; night vision is something I'd like to have. No more stubbing my toes on something when I go to the restroom at night..." Aoba chuckled, but the silence grew pointed after a few seconds.
"And the one I... inherited is known as the Daiyagan. It can see chakra, and also can see emotions slash intentions as colors, which is infinitely more useful than it sounds. It also has a couple other useful abilities, which I'm sure you'll see in a minute."
"Huh? What do you mean, in a minute?"
"Our captors have gathered in a room down the hall to our left, and I'm seeing a mix of killing intent and glee." Aoba heard Naruto gulp, but then just a few seconds later he heard Naruto's ropes fall to the ground. "How'd you...?"
"Wind natured chakra, remember?" Naruto was smiling as he pulled out a kunai from his pants and cut Aoba loose. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Copies of Naruto and Aoba appeared in the chairs, smiling. The real Aoba shok his head, and pulled off his sunglasses. His left eye was closed, but the pupil of his right eye had taken on a diamond-like sparkle. "Naruto? You must swear that you never saw any of this."
"Deal." The two shook on it, and took up positions on either side of the door, camouflaging themselves. The silence stretched on, until foot steps could be heard approaching several moments later and the door was flung open.
"We finally got our hands on you at last, Yamashiro." The speaker was a ninja with a greasy mustache and limp black hair, wearing a bandana. "It was pure, dumb luck we heard that brat behind you say your name earlier today, but we took the opportunity."
"Hey, who are you calling a brat?" Naruto's clone asked.
"You aren't in any position to talk back, so I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you." Said the bandanna wearing man. Three more thugs walked into the room, armed with clubs and tantos. Pulling out a meat tenderizer, the bandana thug stepped up to Aoba. "We still remember the double cross in Jomae Village. Do you? Do you remember that woman?"
"Remember? I can't remember how many women I've slept with no more than you can remember how many men you've tortured."
"Don't play games with me, Aoba! SHE WAS MY WIFE! After the night with you she became a liability, which believe it or not was the last thing I wanted-"
"She has a better life now. I may not be with her, but at least she isn't with you." Aoba's clone stated. The banadana thug snarled, and swiftly brought the meat tenderizer down on the hand of Aoba's clone, leaving an ugly wound.
"Now, we've been searching diligently," The thug whispered into Aoba's ear, "And have discovered that the payment from Tanzaki was in fact not an element of your cover, but we're missing just one thing: the location. ...we could have been kings, Yamashiro." The thug growled. "You don't understand in the slightest what that money could have done for my organization."
"...So you're making this about Tanzaki again? I was only being honest with you; Tanzaki would have dropped out of the partnership if he'd known. Nothing would have been different."
"LIE!" The meat tenderizer came down on the clone's other hand. "Everything would have been different! EVERYTHING!" The bandana thug turned to one of his henchmen, who handed him their tanto. Pressing it up against the clone's throat, the man continued, "Now I will give you one last chance to tell me where the payment is, or I will have to start encouraging you with this little toy here. One lie, one finger gone. You understand me, Yamashiro?" The clone nodded silently. "And don't think you'll be pulling off a miracle escape this time: I have three highly trained ninja with me, so you will only be leaving this room as a corpse if your answers are not satisfactory."
But then Aoba's cloaking fell away, and he shot a red laser beam from his right eye that set the Bandana thug's head on fire on its way to the opposite wall. The three hired ninja turned to him, but Naruto took out one with his kunai, and the other two were quickly struck with the eye beams. The clones dispersed, and after taking a few deep breaths a blue beam shot from Aoba's right eye, splashing into water upon contact with the thugs and the wall, extinguishing the flames. Naruto's jaw was hanging open slightly as he looked to Aoba.
"Nice work with the clone," Aoba praised as he put his sunglasses back on. "Now make a couple more and let's use the Transformation Jutsu before we leave."
"Huh? Yeah, I'm on it." Two more Shadow Clones popped! up next to Naruto, and he shifted into the henchmen while Aoba took the form of the bandana thug. "Aoba... what happened in Jomae Village?"
The special jonin adjusted his shades. "I fell in love with the wrong woman." Then Aoba turned away, and walked out the door.