Disclaimer: Bella wouldn't be breathing if it was so. A series of one-shots (ironic) of Bella after her change.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

Bella:

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see."- Jacob Black

IN THE EYE

I hid here for hours, masking my presence with an ability I had no full control over so that for a moment, I could have peace. So that I could soothe the agony I felt. Right now, the yearning in my chest was so strong that I could wait for an eternity to catch a glimpse of Life.

So I waited, my impatience marked me barely out of my newborn years. The gaping hole in my chest, it had been small, but widened and widened since I returned to La Push, surged in a chilling affect.

From a glass plane I caught my reflection and even in my pain it shouldn't have surprised me.

I was beautiful.

I had never before been able to say and mean it. Even though I was not a vain person it gave me comfort to know that I was no longer the odd one out. I could stand by my family and belong. I would never be as beautiful as Edward, as my angel, and even as a vampire I knew Rosalie's effortless beauty could not be matched.

But I wondered, would he think me beautiful?

Even though I knew I could never deserve Edward, becoming beautiful as well as gaining speed, grace and strength let me believe if only fleetingly, that maybe I was deserving of him.

As a human I had never thought of myself as beautiful.

But Jacob Black had thought I was beautiful.

My stomach could no longer react, but it clenched painfully anyway. I wondered if he saw me would he still think me beautiful. Would he look at the slenderness of my body and admire it or would he only notice that it was as hard as stone? Would he notice that my skin was smooth, or merely that it was paler than death? Would he see the indescribable shade of topaz in my eyes and feel the same awe I felt, or would he merely see that I had not fed on a human?

Would he see the vampire, before he saw Bella?

It was ridiculous, that it should matter. It was also ridiculous to be living happily with your soul mate for three years and then succumb to the pain of not having him.

I had chosen Edward. I loved Edward.

But I would always love Jacob. He was Life to me. Everything that made me feel sorrow for my lost human life. He was light, he was warm, he was comfort, he was my sun. He made me miss my awkward blush, my scars, my brown eyes. He made me miss all the parts of me he loved.

I would love Edward Anthony Masen Cullen forever, but in these moments, I loved Jacob Black more.

These moments of pain and yearning were rare and fleeting. But they were fiercely strong. I had left home, left my family while they were hunting, to cross a land full of resentful werewolves to catch a glimpse of a man I had turned down.

I would wait, and hope that the glimpse I so desperately sought would soothe the unbearable ache in my chest. The long ago part of my heart that had broken free ebbed, wanting so badly to be warmed by the soft rays of an endless sun.

I hated myself for that. As a vampire, I had no place in the sun.

xOx

Critques are welcome, flames are not. There's a difference.