Pierrot The Clown - A Loveless Songfic
"Leave me dreaming on the bed,
See you right back here tomorrow,
For the next round."
"Soubi, I don't want to hear it. Just get out."
"Ritsuka... I love you."
"GET OUT!"
No matter what you do to me, no matter how many times you hurt me, I will always love you. It's not a matter of duty anymore. The fact that Seimei told me to love you has no meaning to me. I wish you could see that as clearly as I can. I love you Ritsuka. And you can hurt me until the end of my life. But I will not stop loving you. I wish I knew if you felt the same way.
"Keep this scene inside your head,
As the bruises turn to yellow,
The swelling goes down."
He told me he loved me. But he only says that because Seimei told him to. I mean nothing to him. We're not even bound together like we should be. He's a cast-off. He never really belonged to me. We're just two loveless people thrust together by the ones who dominate our lives. I can see that I've hurt him. I've never seen him cry, but there was a glimmer of pain in his eyes. I can't have hurt him anymore than he's hurt me. Can I?
"And if you're ever round,
In the city or the suburbs,
Of this town,
Be sure to come around."
Waiting. Just waiting outside his school for him to come out. For him to aknowledge my presence. Teachers, parents stare openly at the young man loitering by the wall with the cigarette in his hand. Kyo tells me I go too far for this kid. I used to put it down to jealousy, but now I wonder if he might be right. More importantly, does Ritsuka appreciate me doing this for him? Or is it just a nuisance? Am I just a nuisance?
"I'll be wallowing in sorrow,
Wearing a frown,
Like Pierrot the Clown."
A clown. That's just what I am, aren't I? I'm a fool for him. He'll string me along, and tell me he loves me, but is any of that even true? That's probably what he told Seimei, too, but he didn't die with him like he was supposed to. That's how love is meant to work. I don't even know what that word means anymore.
"Saw you crashing round the bay,
Never seen you act so shallow,
Or look so brown."
When he finally emerges from the school, he ignores me. He walks right past me, a small boy, battered and bruised, dwarfed by the crowd. He just ignored me. How could he do that? He's talking to that girl. The one who always follows him around. Does she mean more to him than I do? He abuses her and yells at her, but at least he allows her to remain at his side. I wish I was her. I wish I could stay by his side if he tells me to leave. I wish I could keep him to myself even if he tells me to go.
"Remember all the things you'd say,
How your promises reigned hollow,
As you threw me to the ground."
He told me he loved me. That he'd never leave me. And yet he walked out that door without a second glance. I know it was an order. That he had no choice. But then, everything's an order to him, isn't it? He can't even love under his own will. He waited for me outside the school today, but I just passed right by. I can't be around him right now. I know I'll just end up doubting him, doubting his love, doubting myself.
"And if you're ever round,
In the backstreets or the alleys,
Of this town,
Be sure to come around."
Normally he would be with me now. Wandering around the city at night, fairly aimlessly. Just trying not to go home. Anything but go home. He would rather hang around with me, the one he hated so much, than go home. But I'll still wait for him, underneath the lamp-post. Just hoping he'll change his mind.
"I'll be wallowing in pity,
Wearing a frown,
Like Pierrot the Clown."
Or is he the fool for me? He always waits for me. Always visits me. Obeys my wishes, my every command. But I just don't know if he means it anymore. And after I've treated him like this, will he ever mean it again? I'm lying now, curled up on my bed, just waiting for him to call, phone clenched in my fist. The ironic thing is, I'll wait like this all night, but I don't even know if I would answer it if he did call. But I hope he will. Just so I know he'd thinking of me. Almost as much as I think of him.
"When I dream,
I dream of your lips."
That first kiss had been so perfect. I had felt his shock, his confusion gradually dying away into complete bliss. I had loved knowing how happy it made him. How happy it made me. Something so innocent, so pure, that nothing I had done before could compare to it. Does that mean Seimei could not compare to him? Maybe. Ritsuka was all I wanted now.
"When I dream,
I dream of your kiss."
It had shocked me at first. The feeling of his lips on mine. So strange, so alien, like nothing I had ever felt before. But it was amazing. The kind of feeling that knocked every breath out of me in a torrid flood of air. The comforting warmth of his body against mine, the way he held me so close, cradled in his arms. He had always held me so gently, as if I were some porcelain figure that could smash into a million pieces if handled too roughly. Nobody had ever been so caring of me before. I wanted to feel loved again. I wanted him to hold me like he had before. I wanted him to tell me he loved me, even if I didn't know whether or not it was true.
"When I dream,
I dream of your fists."
But he had pushed me away. He must have hated me to have treated me like this. I would always wait for him, I knew that. I would always forgive him. But if he didn't want me there, I would have to go.
I'm still standing here, waiting for him, under the lamp-post. It seems useless. But it's the least I can do. The least I can do to wait for him here, every night, just hoping just praying he will come for me.
"Leave me bleeding on the bed,
See you right back here tomorrow,
For the next round."
The blood trickles down my face in rivulets, like the tears that I never shed. I could never be what my mother needed. I could never be the Ritsuka she knew. I was a failure. To my family, to myself, and, most of all, to Soubi. I meant so much to him, I knew that now, but I pushed him away. I hurt the one person who loved me most. Now I truly was Loveless.
I needed him here with me. If I could just see him now, I would welcome him back with an open heart, and shed the tears I had always wanted him to see. Needed him to see.
I had to find him.
"Keep this scene inside your head,
As the bruises turn to yellow,
The swelling goes down."
Was he thinking of me now? If he could only love me half as much as I loved him, I would be satisfied. No, more than that, I would be happy. Overjoyed even. I look at my watch. It's eleven o'clock now. The streets are shrouded in shadows, the houses looming over me, obscure and almost frightening in this darkness. He had to come. Tonight he would find me.
"And if you're ever round,
In the city or the suburbs,
Of this town,
Be sure to come around."
He must be here. He had to be. He always waited for me here. He had always waited for me, always been there. Always been there to guide me and hold me, to love me, no matter what I did. My guilt was always worsened by the way he just took my abuse, never resisting, just lying back and waiting for the blow. But I would make it right. I wanted to heal every scar, every wound I had ever inflicted upon him. To bandage it up, to kiss it better. To love him like he had always loved me.
The lamp-post stands there in front of me, lighting up the streets like a candle. Inflaming my heart and brightening my mind. He stands there, alone, that cigarette in his mouth. He does not see me approaching, blue eyes dully watching the smoke spiralling up into the night sky.
"I'll be wallowing in pity,
Wearing a frown,
Like Pierrot the Clown."
He will come, he will. I just know it. The smoke from my cigarette blinds me for a moment, the writhing shapes twisting and turning, surpentine in the darkness. I watch it, the hypnotic waves and shimmers sending me into a trance. It calms me. It helps me forget everything that's been said. But I know he will come. He'll find me.
"Like Pierrot the Clown."
He's a fool for me. And I'm a fool for him. I bury my face in his chest, his warmth, the rhythmical sighs of his breath. Sobs rack my body, irregular, imperfect, just like us.
He stares down at me in shock. I can feel his breath ruffling my hair, the comforting beat of his heart. I need him. And he needs me.
His hands cup my face. And he kisses me. It's so sweet, so tender, I had forgotten what it was like. His touch, his lips, his breath, his scars. I want all of him.
We are both so scarred, so broken we're perfect for each other. And it can't be any other way.