Note:
Follow up to (1) "Do You Ever Just Want to Give Up?" (2) "Through My Eyes" (3) "Strongest Together" (4) "Time Wasted" (5) "Silences" (6) "Alone" (7) "Her Heart Cried Out" and (8) "To Weep With Happiness" and (9) "Don't Hide Yourself Away From Me". They're better together at this point - a bit of flow has developed between them.
Emma sees the blood dripping down Regina's temple but doesn't reach out to her even though every cell in her body is demanding she do something. The droplets are catching on her grungy white shirt collar and the amount soaked into the fabric already is alarming. The sight causes the bile to rise in Emma's throat but she ignores it and continues to trail after Regina.
When she catches the hitch in Regina's gait that's too painful for her to hide, Emma somehow manages to keep her hands to herself as they walk across Main Street to check on someone or something that doesn't need their attention. It's a struggle, and she has to shove her hands in her pockets to succeed.
She's been at this long enough, longer than they've been a couple for sure, to understand her only option is to hover and try to stay as inconspicuous about it as possible. Because it's simply too soon for her to try to take care of Regina. Though their foe has been vanquished spectacularly and makeshift weapons have been raised in her honor, Regina has yet to let down her guard. Her instinct for self reliance is too deeply ingrained, as the current rigid set to her spine attests, and she's still holding strong against enemies and friends alike. Emma knows if she tries to help now she'll be brushed away with a dismissive "I'm fine" and be treated to Regina doubling her efforts to disguise her pain and injuries. If that happens, there will truly be no winners.
Instead Emma waits. She waits and she watches for that moment when Regina is finally ready to stop fighting - for the moment when she decides she's finally given enough and can stop sacrificing herself and let Emma take care of her. But the observing and hovering is nerve racking and Emma's heart lodges firmly in her throat whenever she's called upon to just wait, because sometimes the moment never comes. Sometimes Regina can't allow herself to accept the care she still feels she doesn't deserve and exhaustion forces her to the ground. Those times are the worst, when Emma fears that it could finally be the time Regina has sacrificed herself completely for a town no longer demanding it.
The first time Regina had emerged from battle bloody and beaten Emma had known she'd needed someone (any fool could see it) and, though she desperately wanted to step up to the title of Savior that she'd been given, her earnest desire couldn't come close to compensating for the fact that she hadn't understood the complicated woman at all. She'd pushed her assistance on Regina and it had ended in disastrous failure.
But despite her tendency to run, Emma had stayed and kept trying, and somehow Regina hadn't tried to push her away forcefully enough to actually accomplish it. Emma had stayed and observed and cared and through enemy after enemy and battle after battle and failure after failure she continued to try until one day she got it right, only stumbling upon the answer as she was finally giving up. She learned not to force, but to wait. And if you wait, and you've earned it, Regina will drop her guard enough to let you in.
Sometimes.
The word rattles around in Emma's brain as a doubt fills her she hasn't felt in a while because this battle ended ages ago and Regina still hasn't yet let go. Even with their deepening relationship and the practice afforded her by the sheer number of enemies they face, being with Regina, being there for Regina, will never be an exact science with a Right Way and a Wrong Way. There's only Emma's best guess and the grace of a God she gave up on years ago.
Emma spends long moments trying to worry in the least obvious way possible.
But finally, after a dozen more useless details have been attended, slowly, Regina stops. In the middle of Main Street, with nothing left to check on or handle or manage and for the first time since she picked herself up off the ground the final time, dazed and gasping, she meets Emma's gaze. Her eyes are exhausted and pained and Emma frets, seeing in them that she can't last much longer. Her energy is gone, her reserves are depleted, and the pain of her injuries are taking their toll. Regina's strength is vast, but it is not unlimited.
The moment, however it's to come, is almost here.
"Where's Henry?" Regina's question is hesitant, not panicky, and in her heart she already knows Henry is safe. Emma reaches out and strokes her arm, understanding that this is Regina trying to finish - searching for the end to this so she can finally rest.
"With my parents. I sent them home." Under her gentle stroking Regina begins to waver.
"Are they alright as well?" Emma picks up a tremor in Regina's voice that wasn't there before.
"They are."
Regina looks about the street, mostly empty now that the danger is confirmed gone and darkness is rolling in on storm clouds. As people head back to their homes and their lives, it's just Emma and Regina.
"Injuries?" Regina questions. But her eyes slide shut even as she speaks and an arm wraps protectively around her damaged middle. The head wound is bleeding profusely but it's the injury to Regina's abdomen, Emma's attention drawn to it again, that is the most concerning.
"Just yours."
"I'm-" Instead of finishing, she sways forward and with one quick step Emma is taking most of her weight upon herself like she's wanted to since the dust first cleared.
"Everyone is safe," Emma whispers and Regina's forehead drops to a leather clad shoulder, smearing blood against the material. "You can stop now. Just let go and let me take care of you now."
Regina doesn't pull away and, for now, that's enough.
The head wound is even deeper than she realized on the street. Here, under the bright lights of Regina's spacious bathroom, medical kit spilled out in front of her on the vanity, Emma can see the ragged edges of torn skin and imagine the viciousness behind it. Her fingers shake as she applies the bandage and she calms herself with the knowledge that her ministrations are merely a temporary solution until Regina is rested enough to heal herself.
No pressure.
Regina flinches against her inexpert touch and the fact that Regina was centimeters away from being decapitated by unexpected retractable claws flits quickly through Emma's mind before she banishes the thought mercilessly. But the anger that accompanied the thought remains and lends Emma a boldness she doesn't usually have when confronting Regina about her incongruous (and completely not so) propensity for self-sacrifice.
"Are we ever going to talk about this," Emma questions almost angrily as she applies one final butterfly bandage to the cleaned wound.
"About what?"
Regina's response is tired and broken and Emma pauses, suddenly unsure of herself because to acknowledge it gives it power. But to leave it unsaid must be worse and she's already left it way too long, letting it fester and come closer and closer to stealing Regina away from her.
"Your death wish," Emma responds bluntly, unsure anything less will propel the conversation forward.
Regina eyes had fluttered shut long ago as Emma started her ministrations but her tone somehow manages to convey that she would roll her eyes at Emma's suggestion if she had the energy to spare to open them. "Don't be ridiculous dear. I have no such-"
"Don't you dare call me dear!" Emma growls, quickly losing her cool at how stoically Regina can maintain hers. "You call everyone dear and I am noteveryone!"
A brief flash of something flits across Regina's features, obscuring the pain and exhaustion briefly, and takes most of Emma's anger with it when it leaves. Regina's eyes finally open and she sees the same something there. Emma blows out a breath and continues more calmly, brushing her knuckles against the one small spot on Regina's cheek that doesn't seem to be bruised or lacerated - a tactile apology for her hardened tone.
"I'm 'your love'. That's what you call me. 'Your love'."
"Emma, my love," Regina smiles sadly, eyes fluttering closed once again. "I do not have a death wish. I've never fought so hard as I do to stay with you and Henry for one more day."
Regina leans into the caress against her cheek as she continues. "But I do have a realistic understanding of my worth and will give up my life if it means those more worthy of living may continue to do so."
Regina's chaste kiss against Emma's palm, already so close to her lips, does nothing to ease the chill settling in Emma heart.
"And that, my love, is you and Henry. In that way I will redeem myself. Everything between now and then is just some beautiful gift that I've been given but do not deserve." Regina is quiet for a second, thoughtful, before she continues. "I think perhaps it's you that deserves it and I'm merely reaping the benefits."
Regina tries to take a replenishing breath and flinches badly, but continues anyway. "And for that I will always and forever be grateful."
The words themselves are an inspiring declaration of Regina's love and devotion to her family but the meaning behind them all but confirms Emma's worst fear. And, though she wants nothing more than to start this fight right here in the downstairs bathroom, Regina's breathing is becoming more and more labored and that worry trumps her others.
So she sighs, shaking her head, and pushes the assortment of medical supplies out of the way with a shove as she stands. A gentle hand beneath Regina's elbow gets the other woman standing successfully but the clammy sweat on her brow and shallow breathing are a clear indication that the rest of the conversation has to wait.
It takes Emma confusing moments to realize it's the magic that woke her. Despite her intentions to spend the night watching and worrying over her companion Emma had drifted off shortly after Regina had, the days events having taken a toll on her as well. Now, hours later, a tingling warmth under the palm she has resting protectively on Regina's battered abdomen has her eyes fluttering open sleepily. She takes in the mostly silver glow spreading from Regina's hands across her middle but it fades much too fast for Emma's liking. From the shudder she feels rippling through her bedmate, she knows Regina was only able to address the most threatening of her injuries.
"Are you going to be ok?" Emma's voice cracks on the last word, completely ruining her best intentions to keep the true extent of her anxiety hidden.
The hand that had been glowing with healing magic just seconds before covers Emma's own, still resting on Regina's abdomen, and begins to trace a soothing pattern against it. The warmth of magic still lingers on Regina's skin and Emma focuses on it, trying to center herself and gather the emotions suddenly threatening to overwhelm her.
"Yes my love, I'm going to fine. I just need more time to rest."
"Promise?" With little warning there are tears tracking down Emma's cheeks and the harder she tries to stop them the faster they fall. "Because I can't lose you. I only just found you and I already don't know how I could live without you."
Regina sighs from somewhere deep in her soul and gently drags Emma's hand from it's resting place against her stomach to a new spot tucked tightly over her heart. "Emma, I can't promise what it is you're really asking of me. I will never choose my own safety over yours or Henry's."
Emma hiccups a sob and buries her face against Regina's shoulder, feeling utterly foolish in her response and equally helpless to stop herself. She mumbles into Regina's shirt the only thing she can think of that could possibly make this bearable. "You have to let me help you."
"Please Emma, you have to understand. I can't-"
"I mean after," Emma interrupts softly, her head tilted and no longer muffled. "If you're going to keep throwing yourself into danger I can't just follow you around anymore waiting to catch you when you fall. You have to let me take care of you. After."
Pressed against her as she is, Emma can feel Regina swallow hard and she worries the answer she receives will not be the one she needs. But then there are lips ghosting across her brow and she feels herself relax even before Regina responds.
"I can do better, my love. I will do better. I swear it to you."
Note:
The third installment of "Struggle" series is kicking my ass so of course I came over here to play! I had to force this one a bit more than the others because I'm in a bit of a slump. Hopefully this will help get me back in the groove.
Also, this initially had WAY too many hugs for someone with broken ribs, so I took most of them out. Next one may have DOUBLE hugging, as a result. Apparently my legendary awkward does not extend to hugging. You've been warned.